I know it seems like just yesterday that you all tore maniacally into colorfully wrapped swag from every corner of this blue dot, but Father Time is relentlessly stalking us all, and it's that time once again to declare yourself a soldier in this jingle bell clad horde. The GWJ Secret Stan is upon us, and if past years are any indication, my next few months will be occupied by homicidal scorpion rectums, holiday blades, and PMs inquiring as to whether people whom I've never met in person are allergic to squirrel bones. It truly is the most beautiful time of the year.
Every year, a few new elves wander into our holiday pitcher plant and are trapped in the sticky goo within, so please read the following questions and rules carefully as you prepare your bodies for the yuletide onslaught. Hell, read them even if you've done this before. It's a good refresher, and I'm a good writer, you reindeer loving know-it-all.
October 1st?! This is that Christmas Creep that Fox News warned me about? Oh, gods, Christmas devoured Thanksgiving and Halloween! Run, Labor Day! FOR THE LOVE OF TINSEL, RUUUUUNNNN!!!!
Calm down. Your beloved and only slightly inappropriate Trichy Claus has managed this rodeo before, and knows three things with absolute certainty. Goodjers need a bit of time to realize it's time to register, giving plenty of lead time means people have a chance to ask questions and decide if they want to participate, and chopping up mistletoe and snorting it will get you F*&%ED UP, son.
Okay, I'm in. When is the deadline? How do I join? What's this strange rash on my belly? Where do babies come from?
The deadline this year will be on November 9th. This gives plenty of time to stalk, ample opportunity to take advantage of holiday deals, and isn't at all the result of me drinking half a bottle of rum and winging darts at a calendar.
In order to join, submit your particulars to this form here. Even if you've participated before, I do need you to complete this form. As I'll discuss later, I take your privacy seriously, and delete all personal information after each year's revelries are complete.
That rash on your belly is jam, and ask Tanglebones where babies come from. He knows the dark magicks that yield the fattest and most erudite broods.
What's the spending limit? How much of my 401K should I cash in to join this echelon of 1% merrymakers?
There's no limit, either upper or lower. I have not once received a complaint or grumble about the gifts that were given. Homemade gifts have often been the ones that generated the most joyful response, and handwritten notes of good wishes / ominous promises never fail to generate a smile / restraining order. If you stalk your victim, and put a modicum of thought into what treasures you fling their way, they will be delighted, and we will forestall the coming of Ba'al for one more year.
Help! I need somebody... Help! Not just anybody... Help! You know I need someone... (Just cause it's low hanging fruit don't mean it ain't sweet!)
Trichy Claus is here for any assistance you need. Don't have a clue what to get your victim? I'll pry a wishlist from their clenched fists. Need a proxy for shipping items in the US or for relaying digital codes anonymously? I'm the middle man everyone's always talking about getting rid of (which hurts, by the way). Need some reassurance late at night when the shadows grow long and the thoughts of your wasted life loom large in your mind? I'll be there to rock you to sleep in my burly, upsettingly clammy arms. I can be reached via PM if it's not urgent, or email (spoilered below) if it is.
Final serious note: In recent years, several members of this community have had their private information exposed publicly. As such, I always take several steps to protect your information. The form links to a Google account separate from my personal accounts, with a randomly generated password protecting it. Once per day, I copy the form entries to a spreadsheet and wipe the data. That spreadsheet is on an encrypted USB drive I keep with me at all times. If at any time I suspect your information was accessed improperly, I will notify you immediately.
And with that, you are free to begin making my inbox swell with inappropriate PMs! I've been a part of this community for a long time, and it has given so much to me and my family, and continues to do so on a daily basis. This event is my way of giving back, and it genuinely one of the best things I get to be a part of all year. If you have questions, let me know. Otherwise, let's spew merriment all over this place!