The Bucs signed their former kicker Patrick Murray to be their new kicker. Murray was on the Bucs in the past, but was cut to make room for Roberto Aguayo. I can see no way for this to go wrong. Also, football is a stupid sport and nobody should watch it. No, I’m not bitter. At all.
The Bucs have had four kickers in the last three years. Ignoring Connor Barth in 2015 (who didn’t suck), those kickers are Kyle Brindza, Roberto Aguayo, and Nick Folk. Combined, those three are 62.9 % on FG attempts, and 82.3% on XP attempts. The NFL average in 2016 was 84.2% of FG attempts, and 93.6% on XP attempts. I can’t wait for Patrick Murray to shank an XP attempt hard enough that it shoots over to the sideline, caroms off Jameis Winston, Mike Evans, Lavonte David, and Gerald McCoy, giving each of them career-ending eye injuries.
Jacksonville has a winning record. Jacksonville has a winning record. Jacksonville has . . . like, if I write that enough times, it begins to make sense, right? Blake Bortles is still Blake Bortles, but the proverbially old-school combination of good defense and good RB is paying off in inexplicable ways. I mean, at some point Blake Bortles will Bortle the hell out of things and screw everything up, but, as for now, they’re really doing a good job of pretending there are only 10 men on offense.
The Jets have a winning record. The Jets have a winning record. The Jets have . . .
Injuries suck. J.J. Watt and ODB out for the year, along with most of the rest of the Giants’ WR corps.
Speaking of the Giants . . . Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie apparently hates Ben McAdoo enough to walk out of the building and get suspended. Another reason it really sucks to have ODB and Brandon Marshall out for the year is it would be fun to watch them try to deal with the utter insanity this season is going to be for the Giants.
San Francisco has lost four consecutive games by three points or less. Addition of a real QB would make them a viable team. Or Kirk Cousins, even.
Adrian Peterson was traded to the Cardinals four games into his to be very generous “Saints career” with 87 yards on 27 carries, so at least his utterly forgettable season is mathematically easy to compute. Right after trading for him, the Cardinals cut Chris Johnson, meaning they replaced a washed-up 2,000 yard rusher with another washed-up 2,000 yard rusher, and, well, when Peterson invariably falters, O.J. Simpson did just get out of jail, so . . .
Weekly game picks
Standard reminder; your two lowest weeks are dropped at the end of the year. MAKE YOUR GAME PICKS HERE.
Detroit Lions at New Orleans Saints: The Lions have juuuust about beaten the Falcons and juuuust about beaten the Panthers. So, this time, they can win easily. Right?
New England Patriots at New York Jets: This being an actual game of interest is maybe the least-likely thing of the entire season. I mean, I can on some level accept the Jaguars found a way to win by minimizing Bortles or a new offensive-minded coach plus some weapons and offensive line turned Jared Goff into a viable QB, but the Patriots being lousy on both offense and defense and the Jets actually looking vaguely competent . . . what the hell? Granted, they haven’t played the hardest schedule, but Josh McCown appears to be having a “not sucking in Chicago” type of half-season, the nobodies on their offense are playing well, and their rookie safeties are not playing like rookies. I mean, I still can’t pick the Jets, but you at least have to think about it.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Arizona Cardinals: Football is a stupid sport. While Tampa has to travel, it does have the advantage of being not a night game, so maybe Winston doesn’t freak out and suck? Carson Palmer has fallen off a cliff intensely enough that even Ben Roethlisberger is giving him the stinkeye, and their solution for fixing their offensive woes was trading for a running back who hasn’t been able to really hit anything effectively bigger than a four-year-old for years now.
Los Angeles Rams at Jacksonville Jaguars: Good GOD I’m picking the Jaguars. It’s a really good matchup; the Jaguars have excelled at running the ball and playing defense, the Rams have a great defensive line and have been shockingly explosive. I probably would have bet body parts these teams would have maybe a combined two wins at this point, and they’re both 3-2.
Los Angeles Chargers at Oakland Raiders: It’s the official “Screw Our California Fanbases” bowl.
Week 5 Results
Rat Boy: 2-3
Season to Date
Rat Boy: 14-11