I know you've been feeling it. That sensation of tinsel on your tummy, snowflakes on your septum, of holly on your haunches. The ASMR that you get listening to quiet recordings of carolers being blasted by snowblowers. The preemptive ache in your molars as they prepare themselves for the saccharine storming and the blitzkrieg of baked goods.Those tingles can only mean one thing: It's time to launch the GWJ annual Secret Stan!
I present the GWJ Secret Stan FAQ:
Q: Are you kidding me, you psychopath!?! It's only October 1st! Can't Halloween have a moment to breathe?! You're a monster. Why? Why are you like this?!
A: Well, I drank a lot of tequila, and I play quite a few violent video games. But beyond that, experience has taught me that kicking things off this early gives Goodjers plenty of time to plan, budget, plot, stalk, fashion tiny simulacrum of their victim, and address any possible shipping issues.
Q: Who's eligible to participate? I mean, obviously QStone won't be allowed. Right? Right?! Oh, god...
A: If you're a registered member of the GWJ forums, you're encouraged to join in the merriment. Rumors that coffee grinders will be subjected to paddling with a specially made "yule log" paddle are overstated, somewhat.
Q: Okay, fine. I'm in. How do I get down on this hot, sweaty, holiday merriment pile?
A: If you hop onto this Google survey form, I'll get your information, and I'll add you to my pile of victims. Make sure you fill out all the spaces, and if there's any special requirements, shoot me a PM and I'll do my best to accommodate you.
Q: When is the deadline?
A: November 13, 2017. At that point, I will close submissions, and begin the process of pairing Santas with their victims. This process involves naked cavorting around a bonfire fueled with last year's wrapping paper remnants, and might last for a few days. This should give people plenty of time to stalk, and still take advantage of Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and Ba'al Thursday deals.
Q: How can I trust you? I don't even know how to pronounce your screen name? Is it a hard "ch"? Is the "i" silent? I can't go back to prison, man!!!
A: Trichy Claus plays fast and loose with a lot of things, including what's "appropriate" to wear to an Applebees, but your privacy is of utmost importance. I will review the submitted form information three times a day, upload the new entries to an encrypted file I keep on a separate hard drive, and delete the information from online immediately. In addition, the form data is secured on a Google account separate from my personal email and whatnot, and this password was randomly generated and is known only to me.
EDIT: In regards to money limits, there are none. No maximum, no minimum. Get what you think is best, don't wreck your budget doing so, and it'll be wonderful. In the five years I've been managing this chaos, I have not once ever seen anyone disappointed at what they received.
EDIT #2: Good suggestion on adding a notes block to the form. I'll be doing that.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions, comments, concerns, or spice cake recipes. My body is ready for your queries.