NFL 2017 Week 3 Thread

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Yes, yes, it’s late Thursday. We’re still having coordination issues with the Pick ‘Ems, and I’m going to make it a point to have them to Legion by Tuesday at the latest. So, not totally his fault here, find other things to insult him for.

Random Thoughts:

Blake Bortles remains the utter king of garbage time; at one point he was 7/18 for 57 yards and two INTs, as the Jaguars were down 13. Tennessee then scored, to put Blake in his beloved "down by at least two TDs" territory. After that point, Bortles went 13/16 for 167 yards and a TD. Nobody—I mean NOBODY—accumulates pointless stats like Blake Bortles. Football Outsiders’ weekly Scramble for the Ball column has even created a weekly “Blake Bortles Memorial Garbage Time” award, which I may or may not have suggested and I may or may not take great pride in this. #GARBAGEMAN-IA

I don’t think there’s a doubt the Chargers are at best the third-favorite NFL team in Los Angeles at this point, after the Raiders and Rams (and possibly others). The Chargers can’t sell out a soccer stadium. To be fair, the L.A. Coliseum is largely empty. I mean, I’m a Bucs fan, and I think the Rams have attendance problems. Based on the official attendance numbers (which were clearly SIGNIFICANTLY overestimating attendance for the Rams at minimum), the USC game at the Coliseum outdrew the Rams and Chargers combined. So, hey, pro football in L.A. is going great.

Tampa is an unstoppable offensive juggernaut or at least would be if Winston could learn to throw a deep sideline route to save his @#$!! life. Seriously. He sucks at that ball. So far Tampa has proved itself great against a bad team with a QB they’d played against in practice for a few years. So, Super Bowl confirmed. This coming week, Case Keenum! The easy schedule continues! Then Tom Brady and OH @$!!!

Yes, it’s childish, but Rob Gronkowsi pulling a groin while scoring TD #69 will always be funny. ALWAYS.

Carson Palmer looks awful. As does Andy Dalton, Tyrod Taylor, Brian Hoyer, and a bunch of other guys. Please let the NFL never expand again, there aren’t vaguely enough good QBs to go around now.

Ereck Flowers was so bad against Detroit even Greg Robinson feels bad for him. Also, fun fact; autocorrect will change “Ereck Flowers” to “Wreck Flowers”, which is more than a little appropriate.

Adrian Peterson Watch! Peterson is not only old and awful, he’s angry about being old and awful. This week: 8 carries, 26 yards. For the season: 14 carries, 44 yards, 3.1 ypc.

And now, for TEH GAMEZ:

Cleveland Browns at Indianapolis Colts: Cleveland. Is favored. On the road. I mean, I still think they’re going to lose, as Kizer currently just looks like someone who can’t process the game quite fast enough to be successful, and I figure somebody on Indianapolis’ offense can do something. This should be an awful, awful game, and I’m going to miss it. For . . .

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Minnesota Vikings: The Vikings should clearly be more of a challenge than the Bears were, but that’s not saying much. I expect a similar defensive gameplan for Tampa; do everything to stop the running game, give up short passes, wait for the QB to make a mistake. Even though Case Keenum has beaten Tampa twice with the Rams, this still like a real opportunity for Tampa’s offense to really step up. Presuming Xavier Rhodes follows Mike Evans around, I’d expect whoever is being covered by 400-year-old Terence Newman or Epic Bust Trey Waynes to get lots of targets. Also, I’ll be there, about 20 rows up in one of the end zones, in a bright orange #82 jersey with "HARPER" on the back.

Atlanta Falcons at Detroit Lions: Atlanta’s down a couple pass rushers, but, first two weeks of not being completely awful aside, the Lions are still using Greg Robinson as something more than a substitute concession stand worker (and he’s probably not qualified to do that). Atlanta’s got a secondary to slow down Stafford, and their offense is annoyingly good. Atlanta goes on the road and wins this. Also, 28-3.

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers: Cam still looks hurt and gimpy and I don’t vaguely understand what they’re trying to do with Christian McCaffery, while the Saints are terrible on defense AGAIN. I mean, at some point Sean Payton gets to stop cashing his reputation checks for that Super Bowl win, right? Football Outsiders has had the Saints having had one of the worst three defenses in the entire league for four of the last five years (during which time the team went 7-9 each of those times), and, right now, they’re listed as the #31 defense on FO, right behind New England (who seems unlikely to stay in that spot). The Saints have already had a number of injuries this year to make their defense even worse than it already was. Seriously, how does Sean Payton keep a job after basically a near-decade of utter mediocrity? He’s basically Jeff Fisher without the pornstache and with a fetish for bad defenses instead of bad offenses.

Seattle Seahawks at Tennessee Titans: Genuinely interested in seeing if the Seahawks defense can do enough against a solid Titans line to slow down Mariota, and whether Seattle can do a damn thing offensively. Seattle has been patently terrible on offense. The main reason to watch this game is to see if this is the week Richard Sherman and Earl Thomas finally snap and beat the hell out of Seahawks OC Darrell Bevell on the sidelines, or if we have to wait one more week for that.

NEW PICK ‘EM RULES.

Seems like everybody misses a week or two in pick ‘em, plus, well, I read the home/away charts wrong last week and screwed up games. So, in order to encourage participation and keep people from feeling they should give up after forgetting picks for a week, we’re instituting a new only vaguely condescending policy of dropping the two worst weeks at the end of the season. So, for in-season stats, we’ll show each week, but, at the end of the year, there could be a surprise winner based on how those last two weeks turn out. If the surprise winner turns out to be me, it’s coincidence; if it’s Legion, he’s a cheating bastard.

MAKE YOUR WEEKLY PICKS HERE

Week 2 Results
MilkmanDanimal: 5-0
TheGameGuru: 4-1
Rat Boy: 4-1
Jowner: 4-1
Nomad: 4-1
ballnchained: 4-1
PorkSmoothie89: 3-2
oldmanscene24: 3-2
LeapingGnome: 3-2
UpToIsomorphism: 3-2
karmajay: 3-2
Vector: 3-2
*Legion*: 3-2
Abu5217: 2-3
Torq: 2-3
sr_malo: 2-3
Kush15: 2-3
garion333: 2-3
Jayhawker: 2-3
EvilDead: 2-3
Oddsmakers: 2-3
Infyrnos: 1-4
kaostheory: 1-4
cube: 1-4
tboon: 1-4
iaintgotnopants: 1-4
Zaque: 1-4

Season to Date
MilkmanDanimal: 8-2
PorkSmoothie89: 7-3
TheGameGuru: 7-3
garion333: 7-3
UpToIsomorphism: 7-3
ballnchained: 7-3
oldmanscene24: 7-3
tboon: 6-4
karmajay: 6-4
sr_malo: 6-4
Torq: 6-4
LeapingGnome: 6-4
Infyrnos: 6-4
Rat Boy: 6-4
*Legion*: 6-4
Oddsmakers: 6-4
Vector: 5-5
kaostheory: 5-5
Jayhawker: 5-5
cube: 4-6
Minase: 4-1
Jowner: 4-1
Kush15: 4-6
Zaque: 4-6
EvilDead: 4-6
Nomad: 4-1
Abu5217: 4-6
iaintgotnopants: 3-7

Wait, I just noticed, 5-0! MY FAITH IN JAY CUTLER HAS NEVER WAVERED.

If I hadn't heard that Bradford was out and switched my pick, I would have gone 5-0 week 1 and 0-5 week 2.....

Both our threads are using Sad Zeke on the Bench for the banner image.

*Legion* wrote:

Both our threads are using Sad Zeke on the Bench for the banner image.

Not shocking; I'm guessing we're seeking the most actively hilarious images from the prior week, and Pouty Zeke is easily the big winner.

Wait, sarcastic quotes needed, "winner".

I don't like the picks for this week. Not at all. I hate weeks that seem to be road favorites.

Did I forget to pick again? *sigh*

MilkmanDanimal wrote:

New Orleans Saints at Carolina Panthers: Cam still looks hurt and gimpy and I don’t vaguely understand what they’re trying to do with Christian McCaffery, while the Saints are terrible on defense AGAIN. I mean, at some point Sean Payton gets to stop cashing his reputation checks for that Super Bowl win, right? Football Outsiders has had the Saints having had one of the worst three defenses in the entire league for four of the last five years (during which time the team went 7-9 each of those times), and, right now, they’re listed as the #31 defense on FO, right behind New England (who seems unlikely to stay in that spot). The Saints have already had a number of injuries this year to make their defense even worse than it already was. Seriously, how does Sean Payton keep a job after basically a near-decade of utter mediocrity? He’s basically Jeff Fisher without the pornstache and with a fetish for bad defenses instead of bad offenses.

I agree 1000 percent with everything you wrote about the Saints except for the hint that maybe New Orleans should think about getting rid of Sean Payton. I hope they keep him and his great defensive mind FOR YEARS.

I have no idea what Carolina is trying to do with CMC either, btw. Last Sunday, they kept trying to run him between the tackles, who weigh 800 pounds each to McCaffrey's 125. You do the math. Also, that's why Jonathan Stewart is for.

Also, also: Carolina was one bad Tyrod Taylor throw away from losing it. Thank goodness Sean McDermott is a proud graduate of the Andy Reid Clock Management Academy.

Through a friend, I managed to finagle myself a copy of Sean Payton's business card:

Spoiler:

IMAGE(http://u.cubeupload.com/MilkmanDanimal/supergenius.jpg)

If the Saints fire Sean Payton, it's not like they'll be able to hire Bill Belichick to replace him. They'll end up hiring Jim Mora Jr.

MilkmanDanimal wrote:

So, not totally his fault here

Probably the most gracious thing MMD has ever said about me!

find other things to insult him for.

There it is.

There's actually some offense happening in the Niners/Rams game so far, and I don't mean the offensiveness of those jerseys.

Someone showed Zeke the photo of his abs from college.

When they say "Cooper Kupp", all I can hear is, "Coop or Cup?"

Two Coopers, One Cupp.

Something we've talked a little bit about before, seemingly now confirmed in reality: Aaron Hernandez Found to Have "Severe C.T.E."

Researchers who examined the brain determined it was “the most severe case they had ever seen in someone of Aaron’s age,” said a lawyer for Hernandez in announcing the result at a news conference on Thursday. Hernandez was 27.

This is being put out there by Hernandez's lawyer, obviously with a certain lack of impartiality, but the researcher in question is Dr. Ann McKee, the person behind a great deal of the CTE research on NFL players.

If the 49ers could get a stop they might win this

In other news, RIP Bernie Casey, formerly of the Niners and Rams turned actor, whom you might recall from Brian's Song, the first black Felix Lighter in Never Say Never Again, and as Cal Hudson, founding member of the Maquis on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.

Stele wrote:

If the 49ers could get a stop they might win this

Well that never happened.

Goff is sure less of a joke than a year ago.

EDIT: Spoke too soon! Kickoff turnover!

Refs can't read the dark red numbers on the black jerseys

I'm sorry, where was the PI on that? That is some bullsh*t.

That phantom PI sealed the game for LA.

Guys I . . . I think there's maybe a chance Jared Goff isn't completely terrible.

MilkmanDanimal wrote:

Guys I . . . I think there's maybe a chance Jared Goff isn't completely terrible.

It's got to be a Foles-ian trick.

*Legion* wrote:
MilkmanDanimal wrote:

Guys I . . . I think there's maybe a chance Jared Goff isn't completely terrible.

It's got to be a Foles-ian trick.

To go with the Cousins trick.

I guess it was bound to happen... I had long ago given up on Thursday night NFL as the games were horribad, and they go and have a great (well, exciting, at least) game. Oh well.

Did I hear that right this morning, 9 home losses in a row for SF?

Glad they built that new stadium to suck in.

Brandon Williams didn't travel to London, so maybe expect even more running from the Jags this week.

Stele wrote:

Did I hear that right this morning, 9 home losses in a row for SF?

Glad they built that new stadium to suck in.

Feels like just yesterday they were world beaters making the SB.

The NFL def has parity. Only problem is the fall to suckitude is far faster and easier.

jowner wrote:
Stele wrote:

Did I hear that right this morning, 9 home losses in a row for SF?

Glad they built that new stadium to suck in.

Feels like just yesterday they were world beaters making the SB.

The NFL def has parity. Only problem is the fall to suckitude is far faster and easier.

SF also did a pretty spectacular job of screwing themselves. Baalke wound up getting Harbaugh dumped, which then led to a hilariously awful stretch of coaching hires. None of those guys seemed vaguely interested in figuring out how to effectively use their talented but still-developing QB (Kaepernick), they had a load of player retirements to drain the roster even more, and they built a terrible stadium in a stupid location nobody wants to go to.

The NFL's version of parity pretty much comes down to "do you have a good QB or not."

MilkmanDanimal wrote:

The NFL's version of parity pretty much comes down to "do you have a good QB or not."

This is why I won't be too broken up when the Niners draft in the top 5 in a draft class seemingly flush with QB prospects.

I'm also glad that I wasn't crazy a couple years ago when I watched Goff college tape and thought he was a guy with potential. After his rookie season, I was wondering what I had missed. Maybe it was just the Rams' fault all along, like Greg Robinson!

Spoiler:

Although Olivier Vernon abused Greg Robinson last week, so that meme may already be dead.

*Legion* wrote:
MilkmanDanimal wrote:

The NFL's version of parity pretty much comes down to "do you have a good QB or not."

This is why I won't be too broken up when the Niners draft in the top 5 in a draft class seemingly flush with QB prospects.

This is the real reason Kaepernick is unemployed: Tanking.

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