Well, week one is in the books, and the title of that book is “Awful Football Games I Have Watched”. Seriously. What the hell was that? The only reasonably exciting game of the bunch was a late Monday game that most people didn’t even watch.
Highlights (and I use that term very loosely):
-Jacksonville beating the snot out of Houston. Jacksonville really hasn’t had a QB for years, and Houston gave them the opportunity to not need one.
-DeShone Kizer, not looking . . . completely terrible. Just pretty bad. Seems like one of those guys who could succeed in a place like Dallas with a great line, excellent running game, good skill position players, all that. Instead, he’s in Cleveland, and he’s going to get sacked 10 times a game because he won’t get rid of the ball.
-Tampa didn’t give up a yard in week one. DOMINANT DEFENSE.
-Adrian Peterson being awful and pissy for the Saints is something we can all enjoy for three more weeks until he’s cut by the Saints. If he wants to go after Sean Payton with a switch, I would say that would be a bad thing to do if I were under oath. It does look like the Saints are going to continue their tradition of having the worst defense in the league, which is always entertaining.
-The Bengals lost 20-0 to the Ravens. The Texans lost 29-7 to the Jaguars. Guess what Thursday Night Football is this week?
-At one point Josh McCown was 16/22. For 112 yards. Completion percentage is the singly-most misleading stat in the NFL, except for, of course, QB WINZ.
Tennessee at Jacksonville: The Titans are probably the best team in the AFC South, which is pretty much like being the least syphilis-riddled prostitute on an unpopular corner in a bad part of Detroit.
Pittsburgh at Minnesota: I think the Vikings are genuinely and impressively average, and this game is an opportunity to prove it’s much harder to play football when you aren’t playing the Saints.
Miami at Chargers: Miami gets a home win after escaping major damage from Irma, and teammates celebrate while Jay Cutler takes a nap at the 50.
Washington at Rams: The best player on the Rams’ offense last weekend was Scott Tolzien. I know Jared Goff was actually good, but, you know, the Colts are bad, and Jared Goff was so bad last year even the Jaguars wouldn’t have started him for more than like a season and a half, maybe two seasons. SO BAD.
Dallas at Denver: Hey, look, a genuinely interesting game. Think Denver basically has enough defense to slow down Dallas’ offense, and make it interesting. Kind of a toss-up for me.
Week 1 Results
Rat Boy: 2-3