NFL 2017 Week 1 Thread

Ladies and . . . uh . . . well, I guess, while there are certainly a wide variety of ladies who are both enough of video game fans to wind up on this website, and, more specifically, enough of NFL fans to actually hang out in this thread, participation seems pretty by and large male-oriented. So, let’s try that again . . .

Legions and Gentlemen . . .

Welcome to your new, MMD-led NFL thread, now for the 2017 season. I pledge to annoy everyone with even more Bucs talk than usual, post the thread earlier than Thursday afternoon, and basically spend each week talking about whatever utterly hilarious thing the NFL’s utterly brilliant postmodernist Josh McCown-themed performance artist known to the masses as “Blake Bortles” has done within that last week, probably while ripping off the hilarious BlakeBortlesFacts Twitter feed.

Random thoughts for the 2017 season:

There are far more important things going on right now than just football, with Houston recovering from one hurricane and another terrifyingly large one about to barrel into the Caribbean islands and southern Florida, but, that being said, Miami and Tampa are both getting pretty screwed by the decision to shift their bye to week 1 and have them play in week 11. That mid-season rest week is pretty critical to a team’s ability to weather the season-long abuse 16 games entails, and it’s going to require some pretty significant injury luck to overcome that.

Roger Goodell is a douche. I mean, we all know that, but it needs to be said.

I think there’s an interesting AFC East debate this year as to whether it’s more likely the Patriots go 16-0 or the Jets go 0-16. Neither of those is likely at all, but, even without Edelman, the Patriots are looking pretty terrifying, and, to reiterate an earlier point, I can’t name a single player on the Jets offense who would be a starter on half the teams in the league. The only WRs with any experience are Jermaine Kearse and Jeremy Kerley, both of whom would be mis-cast as #2 WRs and are more #3s. Matt Forte is old, Bilal Powell has never really carried a full load in any way, they don’t throw to TEs, and the only offensive linemen I recognize are Brian Winters (wait, he doesn’t completely suck, right?) and Kelvin Beachum, who I only know because he is so bad at his job his awfulness stood out in Jacksonville. Which, honestly, is an accomplishment.

Speaking of Jacksonville (and that will happen a lot), Chad Henne will become the starter in week five after Allen Robinson literally murders Blake Bortles on the field after his 47th overthrow/13th pick-six of the game. Everyone will understand. Bortles will probably be too drunk to notice anyways.

I keep forgetting the Chargers moved. To a soccer stadium.

28-3.

Also, 28-3.

Furthermore, 28-3.

Listen, lurker Falcons fan, I was pretty nice to Enix last year after the Panthers Remmers-ed themselves out of a Super Bowl, because I’d gotten to know him and felt bad, even with all the baked-in divisional spite. Being that I was forced to spend summers in Stone Mountain, GA, while an undergrad in Iowa due to a post-high school parental move, I got to know the Atlanta area, and, well, hate it. Throw in a divisional rivalry and I literally ran laps around my basement screaming with joy when the Falcons suffered the literally singly worst loss of any sort in the history of professional sports.. Start posting here and I promise to be more polite and respectful. Also, we can sit around and talk about how much we all hate the Saints and Drew Brees’ mom jeans.

To steal a joke from Bucs Nation; they should have named Irma “Hurricane Roberto”, because then it would have missed Florida.

EDIT: Picks included in link below. Still posted before Thursday afternoon, at least in my time zone. SO THERE.

YOUR WEEKLY PICKS, CLICK ME, I AM A LINK TO YOUR WEEKLY PICKS, HAVE YOU NOTICED THE POINT OF EMPHASIS HERE JUST WONDERING

A reminder—posting your picks in this thread is entirely unnecessary, as only entering the picks on the website will result in your picks being registered. You have to use the website for it to count. Feel free to post them here if you have some analysis or humorous insight, but just posting the games does nothing other than waste precious web-bits and clog up the inter-tubes.

New York Giants at Dallas Cowboys

Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliot had to have been one of the 1-2 best rookie combos ever last year, and I’m actually somewhat doubtful they can recapture than in year two. More importantly, Dallas’ secondary makes me vaguely nervous, and it seems like there’s a chance Dallas will have more defensive end games lost to suspension than sacks this year. Being the Giants have a really good set of WRs, a solid defense, and their big weakness is probably offensive line and Dallas might have to heavily rely on somebody named “Taco”, well, I’m thinking Giants.

New Orleans Saints at Minnesota Vikings

I literally cannot be more excited to see ancient, creaky Adrian Peterson on the Saints, because he’s been a combination of injured, suspended, or awful for several years. This is the kind of game that’s perfect for the Vikings, because the Saints are so awful on defense the Vikings offensive line issues won’t matter, and, if the Vikings play great in the early season, it will just continue the usual process of Vikings fans having hope and then being utterly crushed and destroyed. So, Vikings.

Seattle Seahawks at Green Bay Packers

The Packers are the anti-Vikings; they start slow, finish strong. Also, there’s a reasonable chance every player on the Seahawks defense is better than every player on the Packers defense. Seattle on the road.

Arizona Cardinals at Detroit Lions

My biggest worry for this game is somebody sacking Carson Palmer and his colostomy bag bursting.

It’s moments like these I think I’m being funny, and then realize ancient Carson Palmer is like a decade younger than I am. GODDAMN IT. Anyways, Detroit.

Indianapolis Colts at Los Angeles Rams

Who doesn’t love a good dumpster fire game? Scott Tolzien against an Aaron Donald-less Rams team playing in the concrete tomb of the L.A. Coliseum! Jared Goff to the twelve plays’ worth of Sammy Watkins before he gets injured! The Colts starting new players at literally every single position on defense, and I might have heard of a few of them! Frank Gore . . . wait, Frank Gore? Man, I should have saved the colostomy bag joke for Frank Gore. MORE GODDAMN IT. Uh, Rams, I guess.