Sponsored By: Eleima
Time Worked: 30 Minutes
Roadwork Ahead Review
I already hated roadwork. Now I’m doing it from the other direction.
Fines Doubled Review
Doot doot doodoo. Everything is awesome doo doo doo doo doo.
Oh, Hey guys! Hi Guy with beard. Good morning Identical guy with beard. What’s up? You going for chicken wings after work? Hah! Yeah. You know I do!
All right, I’m going to go get to work. What? New Safety glasses? New hardhats too? Ok. Cool. I'll pop over to the foreman.
Man, these safety glasses are terrible. I can’t read anything. Can you guys read anything?
What do you mean ‘am I trying to be funny?’ I can’t read anything with these safety glasses.
The wrong size? 1920 by 1080 is the size I always use!
Okay, I’ll try a smaller size. Got any 1200 by 900 glasses?
Yes, that works. I don’t know why it works. Seems like smaller safety glasses wouldn’t be better safety glasses, but whatever. Are these the new helmets?
Whoa. This new helmet makes my head move really fast. Whoa! Whoa! Woooaargghh.
Urgh. Chicken wings? More like Sicken wings, am I right?
Okay. Next stop, jackhammer.
Why can’t I move.
Arrow keys? Seriously? I have to walk with my right hand? Yeesh. Do I have to wear this new helmet?
Ok. Well, if the union says so. I’ll just plod on over there, then.
All right, jackhammer. Let’s hammer the jack out of some oddly textured road patches.
(Hammer hammer, jack, hammer.)
What is this stuff made of?
(Hammer hammer, jack, jack, hammer)
Hey guys! Did the people who redesigned our helmets get to the jackhammer?
Wiggle it? Seriously?
If you say so.
(Hammer, wiggle, hammer, wiggle, jack, wiggle, hammer)
Hey that worked! And I can walk with my left hand again!
Oh, but only while I’m holding the jackhammer. Fine.
What’s that, foreman? You need me to clear some debris? From the road? With the front loader? I’m repeating everything you say with a question mark? I should shut up now?
I’m on it, boss. Do I have to use the new hardhat and glasses? I do? Ok.
Now, to start up the front loader. At least I can drive it with my left hand.
Arrow keys. Pfft. What were they thinking?
Whoa whoa whoa! I’m only going two miles per hour! Why are the wheels spinning so fast? Is this highway made of Crisco?
Whatever. Time to scoop some rocks.
(Scoop, scoop, scoop)
Is this a prank? These rocks are bouncing around like gray balloons!
What do you mean, what am I talking about? Look at the things! One of them just floated past the cab.
Yeah, yeah. We don’t get paid to know what the rocks are made of. You’re right. Let me just turn around to dump the rocks in that arbitrary patch of road you guys painted green.
What do you mean I’m stuck? Stuck on what? I backed into a bare patch of grass! Well, maybe the crisco wheels can’t get purchase on rough terrain. Let me try again with that other frontloader that’s over in the same place I started from.
Well, the rocks are still made of solid helium, apparently. I guess I’ve built up a tolerance to the cold. Hey, look! Another three rocks just floating by.
And I just drove through them. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they’re not made of helium. Maybe they’re made of ketamine.
Now, I’ve got a full scoop. Time to turn around … aaaand I’m stuck again. What. The?
You know what? I’m done. You can take this job and shovel it, provided you can get a shovel that actually works. I'm going to go be a farmer. At least they have swimming mole deer.
Is this where the sidewalk ends?
I should have realized a game by United Independent Entertainment GmbH would have been a turd of a game. They're the Uwe Boll of mundane vehicle sim publishers. Well, it's my fault for putting the game on my wishlist and accidentally tricking an unsuspecting-but-generous Goodjer into giving them money.
Unless fixing roads is actually like this, in which case I now understand how the Big Dig went so badly over budget.
After all, if you had to scrap a front loader and buy a new one every time you accidentally drove over a patch of damp grass, you'd go over budget too.
What was the question? Oh, right. No, I won't keep playing. This one ranks with Agricultural Simulator: Historical Farming on the list of games I won't be playing more of.
Is it the Devil Daggers of mundane shovelware?
It is no Devil Daggers. With controls as poorly explained as these, with objectives as impossible to meet as these, with game design so obviously contemptuous of the player, it can only mean one thing:
Roadworks Simulator is the Dark Souls of Mundane Vehicle Shovelware. It might even be the Demon Souls.
And with that, we’ll return to the venerable Dark Souls scale. So even if this game is terrible and broken, it at least returned us to a comfortable old meme. Which is nice.