Losing My Religion

I am a gamer. I say it loud. I say it proud. I've been a gamer since the early 80s, and have owned every console since the Atari 2600 and have had a gaming computer since my Apple IIes.

Recently, I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, and my life started to implode. I had to go on disability from work, the wife started eyeing the door, and the money started to dry up. I had long swathes of time at home. Time to take care of the backlog, right? Well, I did that. It was alright. But then I had more time. I did what I always wanted to do. I started playing EVE Online. I started MOBAs, now that I had the time to git gud.

I got gud, but it was empty. People are toxic. Especially in these games.

The last bastion of my joy: Paradox games, which I have clocked 1000s of hours are more and more multiplayer balanced.

I am (was) a professional, middle-aged, working in a field where you don't really talk about gaming in conference calls or meeting rooms. I don't have the time or inclination anymore to devote; and there really aren't games that are doing it for me anymore.

Imagine seasons changing outside, and I'm still plugging away, except that I'm now back at work. My illness is in remission enough to let me work, and I'm rebuilding what little is left of my life, begging creditors for time and trying my best not to lose all hope.

I've talked to some people in our community, most notably about survivors depression, and how, no matter how much of a second chance I've been given, I can't seem to pull out of this. I don't know how much of this is the depression, how much of it is that I've become too much of a fossil that hasn't grown with gaming, and how much of this is that I'm just done.

I have a hard time meeting people, and its taken a lot out of me to write this. I'm setting myself up for the trolling and the lambasting, but its my last ditch effort to stay in the hobby that I love so much and one of the last things I have to hold on to.

I've found my tastes have changed quite a bit over time. I've got less tolerance for run 'n gun in my shooters. I like cover and health regen now. I could never get into grand strategy games, but I've tried, and I sometimes fall for the cult of the new and buy something I know I'm never going to give more than a token glance.

All I can say is, play the games you like and don't worry about keeping up with the new games. If video games have lost their appeal, take a break. It doesn't mean it's forever, but if it is, that's ok too. It's supposed to be a fun pastime, not a stress inducing perfectionist hobby.

If you think this is a result of clinical depression, please talk to a counselor or some sort of professional. We can give you all the support in the world, but we're not pros at this (well, there might be one or two in the community) but my B.S. in psychology is a poor substitute for a trained professional.

I'm in the San Antonio area and a couple of other community members are as well. I'm going out of town for a couple of weeks, but when I get back we can put together a Slap and Tickle (GWJ meet-up) at some convenient location and grab some food. PewPewRobo has a standing board game night as well. We also tend to congregate at PAX South the last couple of years.

If a backlog of games is more your thing, I also do the Pile of Shame every month. Pick a game from your library and try to finish it (or bury it, if it's not fun). The whole point of that is not the new hotness, but thinning the pile.

There's a lot to address in your post and I don't feel like I'm qualified to respond to most of it. But, computer gaming has been a core, bedrock interest of mine since I was a small child. As I suspect is the case with a number of us here, for me gaming sometimes seems to serve as a kind of therapy - a safe, ordered world where we can indulge our desires to explore and experience and achieve.

There have been a few times in recent years where I have found myself feeling less interested and less excited about this hobby than is usually the case. And, that feeling is oddly frightening and disturbing. It's like finding out that a principle coping mechanism that I use to deal with the world, that I use to keep my mind running properly, is no longer working.

In my case, I've found that my interest has returned after a few months, often with a new news cycle and a new round of product announcements.
I don't know what will work for you, but I do empathize with your distress.

After reading this, I wanted to respond, but I don't know if I can add much as I'd pretty much just be re-stating Hemidal..

Hemidal wrote:

If video games have lost their appeal, take a break. It doesn't mean it's forever...

If you think this is a result of clinical depression, please talk to a counselor or some sort of professional. We can give you all the support in the world, but we're not pros at this (well, there might be one or two in the community) but my B.S. in psychology is a poor substitute for a trained professional.

I think everybody here has occasionally been like "yeah, you know, I can take a break from games."

I'm dealing with way less sh*t than you, and I see a therapist off and on. EVERYBODY should see a therapist sometimes; it's just a question of how often. Maybe a couple of times every five or ten years, maybe every week; probably back and forth between extremes, depending on life. It is not uncommon to see a couple until you find one you click with.

polq37 wrote:

There have been a few times in recent years where I have found myself feeling less interested and less excited about this hobby than is usually the case. And, that feeling is oddly frightening and disturbing. It's like finding out that a principle coping mechanism that I use to deal with the world, that I use to keep my mind running properly, is no longer working.

Oh wow, I also need to touch on this great bit.

I used to DJ. It was fun as hell. I started doing it semi-professionally, and became committed to a regular club night. Over time I grew to feel obligated and dislike it. But I didn't want to quit because "I'm a DJ" had become a core part of my self-identity. So I dragged it out until I was outright miserable, and probably ruined what could have remained a fun hobby.

Sorry to hear about your illness, but I'm glad it's in remission. I can't even begin to imagine the stress of being sick and having money crap piled on top. That's gotta be The Worst.

What other hobbies do you have? Because it sounds to me like gaming just isn't cutting it.

I don't have the time or inclination anymore to devote; and there really aren't games that are doing it for me anymore.

have you gone through your back catalog? I've went through a couple rough periods recently, mostly due to stress, and I've found that I don't care so much about my Pile of Shame. If stuff is worth playing, I'll get to it eventually, I hope. If not, oh well, there's so much else out there to play when I'm more interested in that genre of game.

For instance, RPGs are a tough sell to me right now as my game playing is random that I struggle to remember what so and so said in such and such town a week ago. But twin stick shooters, they're my jam right now. I can jump in, get sh*t done, feel satisfied and carry on with my next task, whatever that may be.

Nintendo is the only developer who regularly gives me that same sort of satisfying feeling. Blizzard does a decent job, but their games tend to be more of a serotonin/dopamine fix than the way Nintendo satisfies. Both are super colorful in their artwork, which is good when de-stressing or battling depression.

Anyway, maybe a break is needed, as others suggested. Try out your other hobbies and quit stressing about gaming. If it isn't your thing right now, you may have lost your religion but you haven't lost your identity.

We do have some folks here dealing with long-term illnesses, so you're not alone. And no one is going to troll you or yell at you. I think most of us tend to ask what we can do to help.

We have a number of groups of gamers where people play live, together, with voice chat or without, in all sorts of games (Stellaris and Overwatch are hot now). If you want to chat with people without having to meet them ftf or worry about appearances and such, then check out the various groups for MP games (and the GWJ Communications sticky that I think is in the Games forum). That can be an easy way to introduce yourself and maybe jazz up your gaming with real people.

There's also a really good reading community, oddly enough. A lot of us balance reading and gaming. Gaming too much becomes boring, a chore, but reading will get you away from it for a while while offering the same kind of escape.

And we do have a support thread for depression in Everything Else, as well as a thread or two on cancer if that applies. Take a look around, get used to the site, and maybe we can help you adapt to your new reality. After all, many of us have had rough times in life, and a few are facing just what you are and will understand completely.

And welcome!

There could be plenty of reason you aren't into gaming right now. It could be depression, I suffer from anxiety and depression and when I get depressed most things that used to give me joy feel empty, including gaming. Its pretty common for me to play games almost everyday for a few weeks and then not play anything for a few weeks. So, don't force it.

It sounds like you have been through a lot and still have a lot of stress going on. I would suggest talking to a mental health professional, if that's available to you. The hardest part for me was always reaching out for help, even to people and professionals I've worked with in the past. I think part of it was the act of asking for help meant I had to face the reality that something wasn't working and I needed the help. I've never regretted it. I usually regret waiting too long to reach out.

There are some good threads on these kinds of things in the "Everything Else" section of the forums. Like this one

Just a note to say that loss of pleasure in things that you normally enjoy (anhedonia) is one of the hallmarks of depression.

I have chronic clinical depression and get pretty bad episodes fairly regularly, during which time I tend to feel pretty meh about games. I find something a little more active or creative generally helps more than passive consumption.

Sorry that you're struggling right now.

It's been about a year since I took a break from gaming. I still lurk and try to get enabled on the new titles. Once in a while I log into Steam and just can't seem to find anything that lights my fire (either in my library or on sale).

It may never come back for me. Who knows?

Don't force it. Just take it as it comes. Something will come along and scratch that itch. I spent a hot minute getting pulled into Terraria on my iPad. You just never know.

Hi A&A,

First welcome and don't feel bad talking about this. I know Ive gone through my own period of depression after being laid off for 8 months, and honestly going back to work was just as hard. I felt so guilty having not had a job and was waiting for the next shoe to drop. So what you are experiencing is completely normal.

Lately I find that limiting my gaming until I've done everything else for the week both increases my interest and makes me feel less guilty. I broke my own rules this week playing Warhammer and have definitely found less enjoyment in binge gaming. Some other ideas could be to catch up on your sci Fi reading (guessing you're a sci fi fan due to the Eve reference) or start in person board gaming.

I hear you. You're not alone: I haven't had to deal with a terminal illness, but I've certainly been in seasons where I didn't feel much like gaming. And in times where I felt like gaming, but it also didn't feel productive so I dithered about what to play and ended up doing nothing.

Everyone has some good suggestions already, so I'm not going to repeat them. Whatever happens, we'll be here for you. Despite the name of the site, I've always found this place to be a community first and obsessed about gaming second.

Yeah, any advice I have to give is pretty redundant after what you've received already so I'll just say welcome to the site. For many of us our home on the interweb, whether we're gaming or not.

Congrats on your remission, may it continue indefinitely.