NFL 2015: Week 12

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Hero image: Ash Williams and *Legion*'s vision of paradise? Jacksonville, Florida.

Guess who's back? Back again? Rattie's back; tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back...

Tennessee 13 - Jacksonville 19: Otherwise known as *Legion* getting to gloat about Bortlesmania to Gumbie until the next time around. Also, Marlins Man is living the life, folks. He may be the only happy person wearing Marlins apparel these days.

Oakland 13 - Detroit 18: Matt Stafford lost his toenail on the go-ahead touchdown run. Maybe this is why he shouldn't be running? Oh well, I'm sure Jim Caldwell took it in stride like he usually does. If he didn't...you know, I'm not sure I want to see other facial expressions from him. Could be like Arnold trying to smile in the last Terminator movie.

Indianapolis 24 - Atlanta 21: Atlanta, two of the players who beat you have the combined age of 82. Eighty. Two. Hard to believe they were in the same conversation with New England and Carolina several weeks ago. I'm sure long time embittered Falcons fans would tell you that this skid was inevitable.

New York Jets 17 - Houston 24: T.J. Yates has another win. This is not a drill! Maybe, just maybe the Texans has a shot at taking the AFC South? If their defense can get up to what they were a season ago, they just might.

Tampa Bay 45 - Philadelphia 17: Speaking of divisions within easy reach of .500 and below teams, the Eagles are only a game behind the Giants. Speaking of the aforementioned Jets and the current QB in Philly, there's a huge article on Wikipedia covering the Butt Fumble. The Battle of Waterloo, Apollo 11 landing on the moon, a complete guide to every character in the Metal Gear Solid franchise, and the Butt Fumble. Truly, Wikipedia is your complete guide to everything important in the universe.

Denver 17 - Chicago 15: I've heard Brock Osweiler's name butchered five different ways on TV lately. I'm also picturing Peyton Manning humming, "Holy crap/I've lost my job" to the same tune of him liking a chicken parmesan sandwich. And with the Bears 1-4 at home this season, I wonder if the John Hancock building in Chicago set itself on fire last Saturday out of embarrassment. Which is interesting considering the snow storm of the weekend was the strongest ever this early in the...snowing time of the year.

St. Louis 13 - Baltimore 16: Joe Flacco and Justin Forsett are out for the Ravens, the former definitely for the entire season. The Bengals are fortunate that not only are they good presently, but their division foes are in really terrible shape. And the handling of the Case Keenum head injury was atrocious; about the only people who didn't notice something was wrong with him were the only people who had the power to intervene. The NFL had a mandatory conference call of team trainers, but were their people who were supposed to be at each game monitoring the players independent of the teams involved taken to task as well? Probably not. Also, doesn't Jeff Fischer look like he's into liver and fava beans?

IMAGE(https://nbcprofootballtalk.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/498316254-e1448392691475.jpg?w=236)

Yeah, good luck sleeping tonight.

Dallas 24 - Miami 14: Tony Romo's back and the Cowboys still have a shot at taking the NFC Least. There was your missing ingredient right there. Meanwhile, Greg Hardy is still gainfully employed by the Dallas Cowboys in spite of being the living embodiment of Kilgrave from Marvel's Jessica Jones. Actually, Greg Hardy having insidious mind control powers might explain something...

"Go out there and tell the press that I'm a leader on this team, Jerry."

"Sure thing, Greg!"

Washington 16 - Carolina 44: If only Cam Newton would have run up to a camera and yelled "YOU LIKE THAT" like his opponent Kirk Cousins did weeks ago. Oh, I would break a rib laughing so hard at the hypocrisy. And the veiled racism. But mostly the hypocrisy.

Kansas City 33 - San Diego 3: And now for your annual implosion of the San Diego Chargers. In a few years, we'll be talking about the actual implosion of Qualcomm Stadium.

Green Bay 30 - Minnesota 13: They should just put up a billboard in Green Bay that reads "R-E-L-A-X." Maybe even name a street that. Or go with "We're Sorry We Blamed You, Olivia Munn" Avenue.

San Francisco 13 - Seattle 29: Speaking of the world of entertainment mixing with the world of entertainment of the sporting variety, it appears that the go-to for finger pointing during slumps is the celebrity significant other. Now they're doing the same with Russell Wilson and Ciara. Notice how no one makes the reverse observation? "Ciara's last concert was off. Trouble with Russell Wilson?" "Gee, Olivia Munn's portrayal of Psylocke in X-Men Apocalypse seemed below her standards. Must have something to do with her relationship with Aaron Rodgers." Of course you don't hear that observation.

In the sports world, Russell Wilson and Aaron Rodgers are the stars and Ciara and Olivia Munn, respectively, are just "the girlfriends." Is anyone blaming Swaggy P for Iggy Azalea's career collapse? No, because when you're a woman in the entertainment business, your successes and failures are all yours, regardless of your relationship status. When you're a man in the (sports) entertainment business and you're involved with someone in a similar field, that someone in the similar field provides for a convenient scapegoat to the tabloid state of sports journalism.

Last week on both his show Highly Questionable and while guesting on Pardon the Interruption on ESPN, Dan Le Batard lamented the "TMZing" of sports journalism and identified the point where he believed this started: Tiger Woods' separation from his now ex-wife Elin. I actually think it goes back further, to Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson's relationship years ago which when pressed about it after a loss moved Terrell Owens to tears and the declaration of "That's my quarterback!" Did anyone ever write off Jessica Simpson's career lull because she was dating Tony Romo? There's a very blatant and sexist double standard in place and Olivia Munn was right to call out ESPN's Rob Demovsky and I hope Ciara fires back at those making similar comments about her relationship with Russell Wilson.

WKRP in Cincinnati 31 - Arizona 34: "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." Admit it, if you could pull off the Dr. Johnny Fever or Venus Flytrap look in 2015, you totally would.

Buffalo 13 - New England 20: Lost in the berating of the officials like they were NBA refs who ignore Carmelo Anthony taking eight steps before making a shot is more casualties for the Patriots. Bill Belichik's ability to put anyone out there not named Brady or Gronkowski is going to get tested down the stretch. And if they really wanted to throw shade at Rex Ryan, wouldn't the audible call have been "Podiatrist?"

With that said, here's our current Pick 'Em results as provided by *Legion*:

Week 11 Results:

oldmanscene24: 5-0
jonfentyler: 4-1
garion333: 4-1
Elliottx: 4-1
Top_Shelf: 4-1
onewild: 4-1
*Legion*: 3-2
Vector: 3-2
PorkSmoothie89: 3-2
Minase: 3-2
LeapingGnome: 3-2
Peedmyself: 3-2
Zaque: 3-2
TheGameGuru: 3-2
Oddsmakers: 3-2
GioClark: 2-3
Mr E.B. Slugworth: 2-3
Abu5217: 2-3
UpToIsomorphism: 2-3
Rat Boy: 2-3
Certis: 2-3

Torq: 2-3
Jayhawker: 2-3
sr_malo: 2-3
Infyrnos: 2-3
Bighoppa: 2-3
tboon: 2-3
thejustinbot: 2-3
Stele: 2-3
MilkmanDanimal: 1-4
karmajay: 1-4
Bubs14: 1-4
iaintgotnopants: 1-4
EvilDead: 1-4
Kush15: 0-0
Atras: 0-0
Jowner: 0-0
cube: 0-0
Gumbie: 0-0
Flintheart Glomgold: 0-0
Tempest Blayze: 0-0
Paleocon: 0-0
troubleshot: 0-0
kaostheory: 0-0
Nomad: 0-0
Psych: 0-0
AnimeJ: 0-0
Grumpicus: 0-0
Neozilla: 0-0
whispa: 0-0
BEPNewt: 0-0
Cobble: 0-0

Oldmanscene24 is this week's occupant of Perfection Island. Onto the season to date results:

PorkSmoothie89: 36-19
garion333: 36-19
Stele: 35-20
oldmanscene24: 34-21
karmajay: 33-22
LeapingGnome: 32-18
MilkmanDanimal: 32-23
Infyrnos: 32-23
Oddsmakers: 32-23
tboon: 31-24
Certis: 31-24
thejustinbot: 31-24
jonfentyler: 31-24
Rat Boy: 30-25
Peedmyself: 30-25
Vector: 30-25
*Legion*: 29-26
TheGameGuru: 28-27
iaintgotnopants: 28-27
Mr E.B. Slugworth: 28-22
Elliottx: 28-27
Torq: 28-22
Zaque: 27-23
UpToIsomorphism: 27-28
Bighoppa: 26-29
Top_Shelf: 25-25
GioClark: 25-25
Jowner: 25-15
EvilDead: 25-30
onewild: 25-25
Abu5217: 25-30
Bubs14: 23-32
Jayhawker: 22-28
sr_malo: 20-20
Atras: 18-12
cube: 18-17
Cobble: 17-18
Gumbie: 17-23
Minase: 14-16
Tempest Blayze: 10-5
BEPNewt: 10-15
Psych: 8-7
kaostheory: 8-7
Flintheart Glomgold: 6-4
Nomad: 6-9
AnimeJ: 6-9
Kush15: 5-5
Paleocon: 4-6
Neozilla: 4-1
whispa: 3-2
Grumpicus: 3-7
troubleshot: 0-0

I suddenly want, because of the pick 'em league's co-leader, to stick a couple of pork chops and fruit into a blender just to see how that would taste and to see if that'll help my standing. And now, onto this week's picks:

Philadelphia vs. Detroit: WARNING, WILL ROBINSON! This the early game on Thanksgiving, the one you don't wake up in time for if you're on the West Coast because you just came back to your family and might have spent a few hours the night before reconnecting with your old local friends at the local drinking establishment. Or just drinking to forget the fact that you're observing your American obligation while youu spend 364-ish days as far out of town as you can possibly get. Aside from the holiday significance, I pick this game because the Eagles are flailing right now with Mark Sanchez as quarterback and Chip Kelly's still their coach until he decides to book it back to the college ranks. Or if you're looking at it from the Lions angle, maybe there is still a glimmer of hope with Matt Stafford of the missing toenail and with Jim Caldwell of the missing facial expressions. That said, on the day where most folks consume one third of a turducken (I'll still be keeping up that tradition even though I'll be eating the -en this year), I'm going with the non-bird mascot this week. Lions.

Tampa Bay vs. Indianpolis: Now here's an interesting case, too. Have the Buccaneers found their footing for the future? Are the Colts adrift like the starship Constellation after taking on the famous Doomsday Machine? Andrew Luck, whose beard is up there with Commodore Decker's stubble in the annals of famous facial hair, still appears to be out, so as of this writing they'll be going with Matt Hasselbeck, who if he wasn't playing football right now would be herding his kids at Thanksgiving dinner like so many of my cousins. On the other hand, Jameis Winston's still growing into his role as a starting quarterback. In this case, though, I'm leaning towards youth having its day over experience. Buccaneers.

Minnesota vs. Atlanta: One team's a breath away from contending for their division, the other's a loooong ways back but still could potentially compete for a wild card spot. Question is, who stop's their skid first? Despite an embarrassing loss to the 49ers in Week 1's "Put on a pot of coffee, it's going to be a long night" match-up and their recent loss to the Packers, the Vikings are still contenders. And the Falcons despite dropping four out of the last five still have a good core of offensive talent, from Matt Ryan to Julio Jones to Dontae Freeman if he clears concussion protocol. Still, Minnesota's got the edge in my view. Vikings.

San Diego vs. Jacksonville: In terms of quarterbacks, Bolo-tie versus Bortlesmania. In terms of head coaches, San Marin High School in Novato, California versus Zumbrota High School in Zumbrota, Minnesota. It's easy to call last week's performance a hiccup for the Chargers against the Chiefs (okay, I might have called it the yearly meltdown further up this column) but gotta go with Mustang pride over friendship with *Legion*. Chargers.

Spoiler:

Yes, I went to San Marin High School and yes, I think someone's screwing around with saying Ant-Man was a former alum. I was there in the '90s when Paul Rudd was getting his big break in Hollywood. You'd think someone would have mentioned him back then.

Baltimore vs. Cleveland: The Ravens are down their starting running back definitely this week and their starting quarterback definitely for the rest of the season. The Browns may be down Johnny Manziel for the rest of their existence. Upon the appearance of a video of Manziel consuming alcohol on social media allegedly during the team's bye week in Texas, Head Coach Mike Pettine has benched him in favor of Josh McCown. According to Pettine, Manziel "violated the trust" of the team and this on top of an earlier incident that may have involved Manziel committing domestic assault against his girlfriend. Johnny Manziel could end up costing himself his career and the unfortunate part about it is that people will say that the possible end of his career will be more unfortunate than others who's careers ended (or should have ended) because of similar reasons. Browns.

Make your selections here. Enjoy the holiday week, folks.

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Detroit Lions
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: Indianapolis Colts
Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: Minnesota Vikings
San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: San Diego Chargers
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Baltimore Ravens

Rat Boy wrote:

I suddenly want, because of the pick 'em league's co-leader, to stick a couple of pork chops and fruit into a blender just to see how that would taste and to see if that'll help my standing. And now, onto this week's picks:

Traditional pork chops and apple sauce makes for a most delectable texture.

Early on Wednesday? RAT BOY FOR PRESIDENT.

Also, the Bucs drop 45 on Philly and nothing but buttfumble jokes?

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Mark Sanchez played one of the singly worst games I have ever watched a QB play, and I have endured Josh McCown, Trent Dilfer, Brian Griese twice, rookie Bruce Gradkowski, the implosion of Fat Josh, and the corpse of Jeff Garcia. He missed badly on three separate swing passes in the second half alone. Also, the defense apparently all died in the second quarter and nobody noticed; are they still rotting on the field at the link?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: The Bucs in the pick 'ems? RAT BOY FOR PRESIDENT. Seriously, I think Captain Jackfransisco 4uars has only had them once all year. Probably due to penis inadequacy. I'm just theorizing. Anyways, last week was one of the singly hugest blowouts I've ever seen Tampa participating in, and there has to come to a point where Matt Hasselbeck's little Lark scooter runs out of its battery charge while putting around the pocket, and that should lead to a few easy sacks for the Bucs.

Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: More about the stunning implosion of the Falcons than anything else. It really feels like Matt Ryan has been watching the Lions offense for the last few years and has realized that basing your entire offense around flinging the ball deep to your really good WR is totally enough, and screw anything else. They really suck right now.

San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: The Chargers are so bad, part of me wants to send Philip Rivers a fruit basket. Knowing he's a bit of a douchebag, I'm going to let the fruit sit around for a week or two it rots. I figure everybody wins that way.

Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: I'm picking Josh McCown. F*CK YOU BALTIMORE RAVENS FOR MAKING ME DO THIS. I'm going to shower. I'm going to take my PC into the shower. I'm going to break into the data center up the road thinking maybe, just maybe, my communications went through it, and I'm going to set something on fire so the sprinklers go off so that maybe, just maybe it washes away. I literally just sat for several minutes and tried to think about who the skill position players are in Baltimore right now. Remembered the Human Pick-Six Machine is the QB. Can't off the top of my head name a WR. Is Bernard Pierce still there at RB? Wait, that "Crockett Gilmore" guy is the TE, right? I seriously can't remember anybody else. I'm beginning to suspect the casualty rate for a French infantryman at Verdun was lower than that of a starting Baltimore offensive player.

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Detroit Lions
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta Falcons
San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: Jacksonville Jaguars
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Cleveland Browns

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Detroit Lions - Taking my Lions. Philly is stagnant, Bradford is beat up, Sanchez is bleh, Demarco isn't Demarco without the Dallas line in front of him...Lions are 100% healthy (if that term really can apply this late in the season) and have some momentum on their side. Looking for lots of of yards after the catch from Tate and a few nice chunk plays from Calvin.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: Indianapolis Colts - Tampa is looking better than anyone expected, but they re still not winning games they shouldn't win and, as bad as the Colts are this year, Tampa still shouldn't win this one.

Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: Minnesota Vikings Purple Jesus is going to rain down tasty dry purple communion wafers down on these mother f*ckers. Julio and Matt is a hell of a tandem and Devonta Freeman is impressive but I expect Minnesota's 3rd top scoring defense to open this one up in the Vikings favour. Expect AP to keep it open.

San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: Jacksonville Jaguars - Chargers just can't get it to click and might not even try until theyre in LA. Bortlesmania is only just beginning. Whatcha gonna do brother? ....Explain to your 14 children why your team sucks so regularly. Given the sheer size of his army of children, we're bound to see a few baby Rivers around the league in 20 years time. top 5 stats with no success to speak of.

Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Cleveland Browns - Baltimore is as dreary as the pathetic fallacy of Poe. Dreary, weary and weak. Not that the Browns are any better, but I did take them when they were in Baltimore, and they did provide me with a point a day. I feel comfortable going back to the well, though if I get burned, it'll likely be here.

I'm really really really hoping for the Browns to collapse in on themselves. I don't expect it. My vote for the Ravens is merely me trying to push karma in that direction.

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Philadelphia Eagles
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: Indianapolis Colts
Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: Minnesota Vikings
San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: Jacksonville Jaguars
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Cleveland Browns

Rat Boy wrote:

WARNING, WILL ROBINSON! This the early game on Thanksgiving

Ya know... while you were gone/MIA/feared dead... we made a rule not to have Thurs games in picks threads, to give people time until Sunday.

Probably going to have a lot of people only picking 4 games this week. Or missing entirely if the picks site closes once the first game starts? I hope it only locks out the one game and lets you pick the other 4.

Stele wrote:
Rat Boy wrote:

WARNING, WILL ROBINSON! This the early game on Thanksgiving

Ya know... while you were gone/MIA/feared dead... we made a rule not to have Thurs games in picks threads, to give people time until Sunday.

Probably going to have a lot of people only picking 4 games this week. Or missing entirely if the picks site closes once the first game starts? I hope it only locks out the one game and lets you pick the other 4.

I thought so too, but for a different reason. I was thinking it would be more problematic because the pick em' site still lists Sunday at 10AM as the cutoff, meaning people will be able to switch their Lions v Eagles pick to whoever won.

Actually if it stays open until Sun that would be better. Anyone with a timestamp on their picks after 1pm tomorrow just wouldn't get that first game counted.

Surely there's a timestamp on submissions...

Don't look at me. *Legion* didn't object.

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Detroit Lions
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: Minnesota Vikings
San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: San Diego Chargers
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Cleveland Browns

Rat Boy wrote:

Don't look at me. *Legion* didn't object.

Sounds like he checked out early for vacation. Oh well.

Blaine Gabbert had a press conference. No one showed up.

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Detroit Lions
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: Indianapolis Colts
Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: Atlanta Falcons
San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: Jacksonville Jaguars
*Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Baltimore Ravens

*This is an unwatchable football game and everyone should be sad that it is a primetime game. And I hope and pray the Browns find a way to lose this game and not screw up the high draft pick.

Man, a week where most people picked both the Jags and Bucs to win?

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Detroit Lions
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: Minnesota Vikings
San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: San Diego Chargers
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Cleveland Browns

karmajay wrote:

Man, a week where most people picked both the Jags and Bucs to win?

I know, right?

IMAGE(https://nbcprofootballtalk.files.wordpress.com/2015/11/498316254-e1448392691475.jpg?w=236)

Good to have you back, RB.

Philadelphia Eagles at Detroit Lions: Detroit Lions
Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Indianapolis Colts: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Minnesota Vikings at Atlanta Falcons: Minnesota Vikings
San Diego Chargers at Jacksonville Jaguars: Jacksonville Jaguars
Baltimore Ravens at Cleveland Browns: Baltimore Ravens

Dumb question: You're the Browns, what do you do with Johnny Manziel?

I would have cut him, rather than play this silly game with him as the 3QB. The Browns need to find out if he can be an NFL QB or not, and his decisions off the field have lead me to believe the answer is not. But if you keep him, don't you need to see if he can play? Why have him on the bench?

My fear is we are going to be 3-13 or 4-12 again and still not know if Manziel can be an NFL QB. Or rather, our idiot owner still thinks JFF is an NFL QB.

I'm having my kid (2.5yrs) make my picks.

"Do you want the pirates (Bucs) or the horsies (Colts)?"

"Horse!"

"Do you want the Northern pirates (Vikes) or the birdies (Falcons)?"

"Horse!"

"Do you want Purple or Red?"

"Horse!"

This went on for about 5 minutes. Time for a second Bloody Mary.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

I want to pick lions for today if I still can
I'll pick the rest later

I don't know what's worse for Rodger Goodell: that they just aired a commercial for Concussion or that he has to see Luke Wilson play him.

I thought I'd seen horror watching the Bucs the last few years. Instead I really learned horror when my wife looked over at me this afternoon and said "I need butter and Harris Teeter closes in 20 minutes"

Top_Shelf wrote:

I'm having my kid (2.5yrs) make my picks.

I let my wife pick. 2 weeks of losing picks in a row, had to break the streak.

Detroit Lions
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Minnesota Vikings
Jacksonville Jaguars
Cleveland Browns

Those uniforms are...blue.

They had to have had a bet going during that Lions game for who could say Jim Bob Cooter's name the most.

iaintgotnopants wrote:

They had to have had a bet going during that Lions game for who could say Jim Bob Cooter's name the most.

I feel sorry if Jim Bob Cooter was anyone's drinking game word.

That's too bad, Romo reinjuring his shoulder/collarbone down 24.

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