Sponsored By: Taharka
Time at Sea: 73 Minutes
Philomel Books Review
Oh! To be a sailor!
How wonderful t'would be
To traipse and trek and galavant
Across the briny sea.
Oh! To be a sailor!
Upon the ocean, wide and free,
And if you see my goldfish, Fred,
Say "Hi" to him from me.
Scholastic Books Review
Oil's Swell That Ends Well!
Herman Schwartz stepped out of his little White House with the gray shutters and took a deep breath of the coastal sea air. Today was his first day as a ship's captain, and he was looking forward to it.
Herman looked took his watch out of his pocket. It was really a phone, but he had bought a special wallpaper that made the phone look like a gold pocket watch like his grandfather used to own. Herman missed that pocket watch, as it reminded him of his dear grandfather, but the money he'd gotten for it let him buy this phone, which did the same thing as the watch and also played games where you throw birds at brick walls!
The time was 8:47am, and he was very nearly late for his first day on the job. With a whoop and a holler, he bounded down the road toward the docks at the bay. Red faced and panting, Herman arrived at his very own boat at five seconds to nine. The apology was already on his lips before he realized that it was his boat, and he didn't actually have a boss anymore, except for himself. He smiled.
He bounced happily along the gang plank into the cockpit of his little blue tugboat. His schedule for the day was already waiting for him on a clipboard next to the steering wheel, or as he knew it was called, the "forecastle." The first order of business, it seemed, was to tow an oil tanker into port.
Easy Peasy!
Herman turned all the various knobs and pulled the various levers and pushed the various buttons until, at last, one of them started the tugboat's powerful engine. Then he put-put-putted his way out into the bay in search of the drifting oil tanker. He found it floating lazily under a gigantic green arrow.
"That's odd." Herman thought, "The arrows are usually orange this time of year."
Herman pulled up in front of the tanker and maneuvered himself about until the rear of his boat (the raft?) was lined up with the nose (the mizzen!) of the oil tanker. A few simple clicks and the oil tanker was securely tethered to the little tugboat, and Herman was putt-putting his way back to port (The left!)
"This is easy!" Herman happily murmured to himself as he adjusted the throttle (thrust!) and the direction (yaw!) of the little tugboat. With great care he sidled the tugboat snugly along the dock. He turned off the engine, dusted his hands and stepped out of the cockpit of his little blue tugboat.
He stepped up onto the dock as a stream of yelling people ran past him. They seemed upset about something, Herman looked at where the people were running, and saw nothing very interesting. Then he looked at where they were running from.
"Whoopsie!" He said, whistling under his breath.
The little blue tugboat was neatly parked by the dock, bobbing happily, exactly like a boat should. The oil tanker, however, was completely out of the water, teetering on the docks like a see-saw, exactly like a boat shouldn't.
"Well, this simply won't do." Herman said, and he dashed back for his little blue tugboat.
He vaulted the side and leapt into the cockpit. The tugboat engine roared back to life as he turned the throttle all the way up to maximum and he turned the wheel away from the docks.
Unfortunately, Herman had forgotten that the little blue tugboat was moored to the dock with big, strong ropes. As he pulled away from the dock, the mooring line snapped taught and redirected the little blue tugboat... right back at the dock.
With a lurch and a crunch, the little blue tugboat crashed into the hard concrete pier and, with alarming speed, began to sink.
"Well this won't do, either!" Herman sputtered as he spat salt water out of his mouth.
It took all his strength to force open the cabin door and paddle his way to the ladder next to the moor. He reached the top of the ladder just in time to see the little blue tugboat disappear beneath the cold, black water.
"Well, it's certainly a fine thing that I never anthropomorphized that little blue tugboat." Herman said, sitting wetly on a pylon. "I should be much sadder if the little blue tugboat had a proper name and personality."
As it sank, the tether connecting the little blue tugboat to the oil tanker, which was still attached, pulled taut. The oil tanker's hull groaned and creaked as it rocked to one side, then fell into the water. The wave that crashed over the docks as the big tanker dropped into the bay must have been ten feet high, and if Herman hadn't already been soaked to the bone he most certainly was now. The oil tanker settled deeply into the water, then slowly rose back up, bobbing like a giant, toxic cork in the dark water of the bay. A few moments later everything had settled down, and the oil tanker was resting right alongside the docks where Herman had been trying to put it all along.
"Well, all's well that ends well." Herman said, smacking his left ear as he tried to clear water from his right ear.
Would you like to read more?
I know I intend to. Herman's many charming misadventures as the helm of any kind of boat you can think of are available in bookstores everywhere and at your local library.
Is it between Blood and Borne in the dictionary?
Part of what makes Herman's adventures so memorable ... is how avoidable they are, yet how easily replicated they could be. The Euro Ship Sim series is... not a bit like the more adult Bloodborne stories, and yet the spirit of surmountable challenge is still in it. Sarah Finklestein, New Bork Rhymes review of Books
Comments
So how does it compare to American Ship Simulator?
I kid, I kid. Thanks for the review, DoubtingT, quite a few chuckles to be had in there.
Needs more shanties.
Nice piece, DT. I quietly chuckled multiple times.
Words... are a big deal.
Jill Lapore wrote:Editing is one of the great inventions of civilization.
While I don't have enough patience for these games, you always make them sound interesting so that I wish I did. Thanks! That was fun to read.
Great read!
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