Too Long; Didn't Play: Dead Core

Sponsored By: Ccesarano

Time Tested: 90 minutes

Test Summary

The following is the scrapped first draft of Aperture Science's Kickstsarter campaign for the all-new virtual testing initiative.

Lab Report

Cave Johnson here. I know, you all thought I was dying from all the powdered Moon rocks. Well, all I can say is: Science wins again! Take that, you dysplastic bastards!

Guess who's also still here. Aperture Science, that's who. We're still banging our scientists' heads together to make more Science, and it will take more than a couple of rogue robots and uncooperative test subjects to shut this place down, even if they do blow the place up.

That's right, I said blow it up. I'm not p*ssyfooting around here. If you're going to invest in our new program, you have a right to know what happened to our last one. And let me tell you, we learn our lessons loud and clear here at Aperture Science. Rebuilding a massive underground facility every time some slip of a girl wakes up from cryosleep is expensive, even if it is only in Kansas where the land is cheaper.

No, we're going a whole new direction. The boys in the tech department tell me it's all about this virtual stuff now, anyway. I know, it sounds like something for pasty little man-children with weak chests and mentholated inhalers, but it has a couple of benefits. Test subjects are easier to get, for one. No more luring hobos underground with bindles full of sandwiches and liquor. Nope, now we just take an ad out in the local computer-hobbyist magazine, asking for QA testers, and we get lines 'round the block.

Sure, they're not much better than the hobos in terms of facial hair and smell, but they're cheaper and, by gosh, there are a lot of them.

It's cheaper in other ways, too. We can do the testing it used to take a team of thirty scientists and a robot to do now with nothing but two computers and a couple of Californian baristas. Let me tell you, those guys will put in hours like nobody's business if it keeps them out of the coffee shops, and they practically work for Red Bull.

Finally, the new virtual testing initiative is free from meddlesome government busybodies who wouldn't know science if it built a robot shark to swim up and bite them on the ass. They may try and get us with this "Net Neutrality" folderol, but if that happens I'll just yank the damn yellow cord out of the laptop and Uncle Sam won't be able to say "boo."

Now, you might be asking yourself, "Cave, what kind of testing can you possibly do inside a computer?" Well the answer is: lots. We may not be able to test the limits to the endurance of the human musculoskeletal-structure, but we can pull together a mighty good report on how many times a human will jump to their own fake death rather than pause for a minute to see where they should be jumping.

That kind of knowledge, gentlemen, is money in the bank.

The nice thing is, we can develop all sorts of new tech and try it out before we even build it. Take the Electric Key Gun, for example. Unlike the Portable Quantum Tunnelling Device, the Electric Key Gun – or, as the boffins like to call it, the "EKG" – comes equipped with a timer and a proper set of sights to aim down. Ammunition is limited; we're simulating limited battery-life here; but the EKG can activate switches, disable turrets and even turn off some traps if the user can aim it properly while flying through the air like a rocket-propelled gazelle. (Oh, uh, the lawyers tell me I shouldn't mention our rocket-propelled gazelles until the patent office gets back to us with approval. Don't want to give those bastards at Black Mesa any more "new" ideas.)

I mentioned turrets. Well, we've got all new sorts of robot drones for our weak-chested test subjects to test their dexterity against. We've got turrets that launch you backwards. We've got floating platforms that turn into robots that will punch you in your virtual nose if you don't take care.

We've even managed to bring back some old favorites. Moving platforms may be basic, but they're core to any test initiative. We've also reinstituted bounce-pads, and this time you can use the EKG to activate them. The nice thing about our new jump pads is that if you mount them sideways, BAM! Instant obstacle. Just shoot it with the EKG and jump over it before it turns back on and bounces your untanned butt right back to the last checkpoint.

Heh. Nerds.

Now don't think that we're unfair here at Aperture Science. We know full well that you can't just make the tests harder without giving the test subject a little shot in the arm, so we've introduced the Mobility Upgrade Program. Think of it like the Long Fall Boot, only more so. Test subjects can double-jump now. In the old days, we'd have to send scientists out into the world to figure out how to make a foot push up and off a loose collection of air molecules. No more. Thanks to the Virtual Testing Initiative, we can just move the ones and zeroes around in such a way that anybody can jump off of nothing with just the press of a button.

I still say our old team could have figured it out, but the money dried up, so we have to make do with this videogame malarkey.

So, summing up, Aperture Science is still here, we've got a new test initiative, and we're still doing Science. Sort of, anyway. I know some of you have given us money back when we were doing Science big, and I hope we can count on your support now that we're doing Virtual Science. With your backing we may be able to build a real, working prototype of the EKG based on our computer models. Maybe even get the Long Fall Boot to do that whole double-jump thing. Who knows? We need that money to find out where the Science can take us.

Now the bean counters tell me that for this kickstart campaign to get kickstarted good and proper, I have to do a Q and A session with some twits on the internet, so we'll open the floor up to some questions.

Will you keep testing?

You're damn right we'll keep testing. What the hell kind of question is that? Computers are cheaper than platforms, turrets and smashers, but they're still not cheap. We're making full use of every gigahert and megaflop we can lay our hands on to do the best Science we can grind out here.

"Will we keep testing?" Good grief. It's like you don't even know who I am.

Is it the Bloodborne of Portal-type FPS Games?

Now, I'm not totally sure that question isn't a load of gibberish, but I'm here to tell you that we're not just banging wireless rocks together with this initiative. These tests will bend a subject's brain around them like a hot horseshoe on an anvil, and give their manual dexterity a run they won't soon forget.

First-Person Puzzle tests may not have come very far since our last testing initiative, but this one makes good use of the tools we gave it.

Comments

I should buy you more games more often.

Ten stars out of five. I mentally read that opening in Cave Johnson Voice and it got me so pumped I had to restrain myself from yelling "f*ck LEMONS" in the middle of my cube farm.

Ten stars for the review. Fewer for the game: I found it a little too "exciting". My twitch skills couldn't keep up with it, and there was very little 'portal' feel for me: no atmosphere, frenetic pace.

AnyLameName wrote:

Ten stars out of five. I mentally read that opening in Cave Johnson Voice and it got me so pumped I had to restrain myself from yelling "f*ck LEMONS" in the middle of my cube farm.

I actually do a mean Cave Johnson impersonation. I use it to page people at my work.

If I ever win the raffle to be on the conference call, I promise to do it for posterity.

Greatest Valve's application letter ever written.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:
AnyLameName wrote:

Ten stars out of five. I mentally read that opening in Cave Johnson Voice and it got me so pumped I had to restrain myself from yelling "f*ck LEMONS" in the middle of my cube farm.

I actually do a mean Cave Johnson impersonation. I use it to page people at my work.

If I ever win the raffle to be on the conference call, I promise to do it for posterity.

Just make an MP3 recording of it and send it in / post it somewhere.