How to Be an American

I don't like basketball or surfin'
but Lord I do love bourbon
and I was in Montana early one July
If Edmonton is quiet, then Utah is a riot
America, I hope I qualify

— Jerry Jerry & the Sons of Rhythm Orchestra, "Livin' on Top of the USA"

Potential member of the Commonwealth SPI program:

Thank you for considering emigration to America! Life in the United States can be very rewarding under the right circumstances.

People born outside the U.S. have developed certain notions about the country, both positive and negative; the SPI manual exists to sort the truth from the myths.

There is no bigger myth-maker about America than America itself: Hollywood and Washington, D.C. continually present visions of the nation that may or may not conform to reality. Effective SPI work depends largely on understanding and accounting for these discrepancies.

As the cornerstone of the Secret Politeness Initiative is, of course, politeness in casual social encounters. The first task of the SPI operative is to recalibrate oneself to the different level of politeness in America. This can vary by region, and even notions of "politeness" can, especially in the South, be fraught with social freight.

A quick example to prevent one from being taken aback: In a retail setting especially, "Uh-huh!" is often a substitute for "You're welcome." (The phrase "My pleasure" usually translates as "Company policy forbids me from saying, "Uh-huh".")

It is our hope that the following advice about living, working, and assimilating in the United States, from SPI agents and sympathetic individuals, will be of use to others in the field.

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Wine? WINE? What are you, French?

Oh wait, that's eagles' blood. Never mind, carry on.

Jonman wrote:

Wine? WINE? What are you, French?

Oh wait, that's eagles' blood. Never mind, carry on.

I'm pretending it's whiskey with the hue askew.

Jonman wrote:

Wine? WINE? What are you, French?

Oh wait, that's eagles' blood. Never mind, carry on.

IMAGE(https://coedmagazine.files.wordpress.com/2014/05/most-american-photos-ever-1.jpg?w=640&h=640)

Fine. Let's try this again.

IMAGE(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11229764_471839636317769_5721462813476935994_n.jpg?oh=7062c59901aa8a0e50ba867e98d6d6b5&oe=5618964D)
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And here I thought everyone knew that the small, concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.

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Left side. Grip out.

This thread lacks awesome explosions.

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Everyone outside of New England are wicked dicks. That's really the only thing you need to know.

This is how I imagine americans are taught in history class:

Tengrii wrote:

This is how I imagine americans are taught in history class:

I'll take Ganesh by TKO in the third.

http://www.pbfcomics.com/271/

He's got too many arms, I don't think Jesus has a chance.

Tengrii wrote:

He's got too many arms, I don't think Jesus has a chance.

Dying to help mankind is his schtick after all.

In that last panel shouldn't the firework be on his head?

Bookmarking for good ideas!

LouZiffer wrote:

Bookmarking for good ideas! :ninja:

Yeah. Now I'm hungry.

It blows my mind that anyone would look at those monstrosities and then be hungry. I can taste the nauseating sweetness/saltiness just looking at the pics.

LarryC wrote:

It blows my mind that anyone would look at those monstrosities and then be hungry. I can taste the nauseating sweetness/saltiness just looking at the pics.

lotsa people hate how cocaine looks, too.

LarryC wrote:

It blows my mind that anyone would look at those monstrosities and then be hungry. I can taste the nauseating sweetness/saltiness just looking at the pics.

Ugh, I'm with you on that one. Just makes me sick to my stomach. :/

I was just mentioning to my European friend that it is a very American thing to do really stupid things just because folks tell you you shouldn't. Whether it is eating stuff off that list, "rolling coal", or launching fireworks off your head, Americans will do it because they think "freedom" is about doing stuff you are told you shouldn't.

He told me "That is not freedom. I hope that is not why you freed us from the Nazis"

Please tell me I should not shoot people who roll coal. Please.

How y’all?

Just sayin how do.

My name is Quercus Alba. Y’all can call me Al. I’m about 350 years old and live on a small farm in N.E. Mississippi, USA. I’m about 80 feet tall, with a trunk girth of about 16 feet. I don't travel much (actually haven't moved since I was an acorn). I just stand around and provide a perch for local birds and squirrels.

Have good day,

Al

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