Tell us your best dad jokes!

Why does the CDC always recommend 2 servings of fruits by 3 to 5 servings of vegetables?

Because, while veggies have appeal, fruit comes in pairs.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. Sadly, one of them was assaulted.

The weaver was only three feet tall, but at work he looms.

This is a true story:

My father once saw a lost shoe lying in the road.

"That's sad." He said, indicating the shoe.

"What?" I asked.

"Another lost soul."

At which point my mother hit him.

Did you hear the one about the guy who got clapped in irons so tightly he couldn't move?

He was paralyzed with ferrite.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:

He was paralyzed with ferrite.

Oooh, now that is sublime.

Did you hear about the backwards poet? He writes inverse.

There were two friars who got thrown out of the monastery because they kept breeding horrific plants in the garden. They moved into a town where they set themselves up as florists, growing flowers like they did at the monastery and selling them to the townsfolk. But they continued their botanical experiments.

Everyone in town had heard of these experiments but because there was a giant wall around their garden no one knew what they were. Some kids in town finally got curious and climbed the fence where they found a giant Venus flytrap. The flytrap grabbed and ate two of the kids but the others got away and told everyone what they had seen.

The parents of the kids who were killed demanded that the florists leave town but they refused, saying the flytrap was just defending their garden. The parents then petitioned the mayor who repeated the request but the friars still refused.

Finally the townspeople went to the strongest man in town, a blacksmith by the name of Hugh. Hugh went to the florists garden, uprooted the flytrap and chased them away because Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

BAHAHA

They should have gone into philosophy instead of botany.

Then they could have been deep friars.

Love it.

Wish I could remember the trio of puns I've unleashed on un-expecting ears in the past couple weeks. Two were directed at the wife, who was unappreciative.

mrtomaytohead wrote:

Wish I could remember the trio of puns I've unleashed on un-expecting ears in the past couple weeks. Two were directed at the wife, who was unappreciative.

I always tell my wife she's contractually obligated to laugh at my lame jokes, as part of our marriage contract. That'll teach her to skip the fine print

My wife enjoys trying to out-pun me. Sometimes it's like a really groan-inducing ping-pong match.

I threw one at my gf a few weeks ago:

She was discussing presidential succession with a friend of hers and they were debating whether a naturalized citizen who happens to be in the chain could actually serve as interim president. When she concluded that such a citizen could not, I quipped: "So you're saying you'd have to be a natural born filler?"

She wasn't as amused as I was.

What does a blasé cow say?

Meh.

This coffee tastes like dirt!

Well, it was just ground.

A horrible comedian decided to hand up his baggy pants and become a chef.

He invented a line of perforated omelettes. Unfortunately, he was about as good a chef as he was a comedian, and they were tearable yolks.

The astronaut was feeling peckish what with all the space travel, so he took a launch break.

That comedian-turned-chef I mentioned earlier?

His jokes were so bad he could make a melon bawl.

You should always knock before entering a kitchen. You might see a salad dressing, and your face will get radish with embarrassment.

A fellow named Omar Cayenne once made himself a boat entirely of red jewels.

It was the ruby yacht of Omar Cayenne.

How do astronomers keep warm?

They Hubble together.

They put a restaurant in the international space station. I hear the servers are so fast that it's practically wait-less.

Thomas, you *can* post more than one joke in a single post... It's not like you're grinding levels.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:

My wife enjoys trying to out-pun me. Sometimes it's like a really groan-inducing ping-pong match.

I'm now imagining two pun athletes in a big arena trying to outpun each other, with an enticed crowd groaning and twitching enthusiastically with every new joke.

Robear wrote:

Thomas, you *can* post more than one joke in a single post... It's not like you're grinding levels. :-)

No, but each post make its own link. So he can refer to them!

It's just possible we need time to recover between groans, too

I'm reminded of a scene in Disney's Hunchback of Notre Dame where Claude Frollo advises a torturer not to lash the whip too often, lest the pain from one bleed into the next.

Best to savor each one independent and unique from the others.

Cribbing this one from reddit:

How many fingers does the Dovakiin have?

Spoiler:

Four fingers and a thu'um.

Simon Belmont rejected having his arm splinted because he saw the plaster had been contaminated with arsenic.

"That cast'll bane ya!" He said.