Tell us your best dad jokes!

I asked my gf when her birthday was. She told me March 1st.

So I walked around the house and asked again.

I don’t know about anyone else but for me today is really a 10/10.

Not exactly a dad joke but I laughed and thought I would share:

A man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I took the Lord's name in vain while golfing."

"I understand, my son," the priest says. "I play the game as well, and it can be frustrating. What happened?"

"Well," the man says, "I hit my drive on the fifteenth green and it sliced to the right, into the trees."

"Was that when you did it?" The priest asked.

"No, the ball bounced off a tree and onto the green," the man continued. "But it bounced into a sandtrap."

"And then you cursed?"

"No, I pulled out a wedge and chipped the ball right out of there. It rolled down the green and stopped two feet from the cup."

"Ah, that was when you blasphemed," the priest nods.

"No, Father," the man replies.

"Jesus Christ," the priest yells, "You missed a two-foot putt?!"

An absolute classic.

A priest hires a painter to paint his church. Sets him up with a bucket of white paint and some paint thinner and tells him to go to town.

The painter gets about a third of the way through when he realizes he's going to run out of paint, so he mixes in some paint thinner and keeps going. Another third of the way through and he realizes he still doesn't have enough, so he thins the paint out even more.

The priest comes back, and the church looks terrible: a third brilliant white, a third normal white, and a third this dingy off-white. The priest says, "Oh no, my son, I'm afraid this just won't do."

"Well," the painter says, "what should I do, Father?"

Spoiler:

"Repaint!" says the priest. "And thin no more!"

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/GmH0ZcC.png)

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/HN23WM8.jpeg)

Covid, H.I.V. and the Flu, walk into a bar....

Bartender says, "What is this, some kind of sick joke?"

The guy who posted that to reddit today misspelled "flu" as "flue" and thus followed an avalanche of chimney jokes.

Quintin_Stone wrote:

The guy who posted that to reddit today misspelled "flu" as "flue" and thus followed an avalanche of chimney jokes.

It did damper the punchline a bit.

Amoebic wrote:
Quintin_Stone wrote:

The guy who posted that to reddit today misspelled "flu" as "flue" and thus followed an avalanche of chimney jokes.

It did damper the punchline a bit.

Well that just put my enthusiasm for this thread up in smoke.

IMAGE(https://rhinegeist.wpenginepowered.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/Dad_Can_Render_new-768x1179.png)

Dad
Hoppy Holiday Ale

Hi Thirsty, I’m Dad.
This Hoppy Red Ale sports a robust malt bill as ample and snug as a well worn flannel. Throwing on a pair of oversized sneakers that break all known fashion laws, Dad mows acres of dank, piney hops, uphill both ways in the snow. Keep it up—I’ll turn this can around.

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/ifuW2ii.jpeg)

There has been a thief or gang of thieves stealing the wheels off of cop cars...

IMAGE(https://s.hdnux.com/photos/01/07/77/60/18873386/7/ratio3x2_1800.jpg)

Spoiler:

Police are working tirelessly to find them.

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

Harry Styles really committed a crime against the dad joke when he chose not to become a hairdresser.