Tell us your best dad jokes!

If any musicians want a tip on how to make your instruments sound better, stay tuned...

I wrote a show about puns, really though, it’s just a play on words.

I went to a bar to order food.

Me: I'm hungry but not too picky. Can you give me something cheap and easy?

Server: Hmmm... the chicken strips for $6.

Me: Well, that sounds nice, but how does that help me with my hunger?

He was a boy,
She was a girl,
I am a sentient octopus.
He was a punk,
She did ballet,
I have eight prehensile legs.
He wanted her,
She'd never tell,
I crept up from the bowels of Hell.
All of her friends
And those two as well,
Will fall when the seas start to swell.

He was a sk8ter boi,
She said, "See you later boy!"
Not significant to me.
I am a cephalopod,
An ascending Elder God,
And soon all my brethren will be...
Free!

What do you call J K Rowling on a Hawaiian longboard?

Surfin' TERF.

What does Trump have with ketchup?

Traitor tots.

Paleocon wrote:

What does Trump have with ketchup?

Traitor tots.

And steak.

Optimist: the glass is 1/2 full.
Pessimist: the glass is 1/2 empty.
MS Excel: the glass is January 2nd.

If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.

I have a fish that can breakdance. Only for ten seconds though, and only once.

My friend said that if he went off a cliff, it would be on his own accord. It’s a good thing he drives a Civic.

In my free time, I like to help blind people. Verb, not adjective.

I like to spend my weekends playing chess with elderly men in the park. But it’s becoming more difficult. You try finding exactly 32 old guys.

A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. “You can't cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!” The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.”

When my uncle Frank died, he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

A man walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What do you want?" The man says, "Oh, just some fruit punch." The bartender sighs and shakes his head, "If you want punch, you're gonna have to wait in line." The man looks around, but there is no punchline.

I just got my doctor's test results and I’m really upset. Turns out, I’m not gonna be a doctor.

I heard Sony’s coming out with a new console during the pandemic...It’s called the Plaguestation 5.

UpToIsomorphism wrote:

If you donate a kidney, everybody loves you and you’re a total hero. But try donating five kidneys and suddenly everyone is yelling and the police get called.

Wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. I didn't even know he could!

I had a large joke book as a kid that had a whole bunch of those:
Have you ever...
seen a fish bowl?
seen a fire escape?
seen a square dance?

We were trying to come up with as many more of these as we could during a family dinner with friends with the father of the other family tried to offer up "Have you ever seen a train choo?" which ended the conversation in chaos and laughter.

Why are their QR codes on the Norwegian fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

Paleocon wrote:

Why are their QR codes on the Norwegian fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

They also count them so they know when they Finnish

There's Norway that's accurate.

tanstaafl wrote:
Paleocon wrote:

Why are their QR codes on the Norwegian fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

They also count them so they know when they Finnish

Mortal Kombat was based on a Scandinavian religious song.

A Finnish hymn.

Paleocon wrote:
tanstaafl wrote:
Paleocon wrote:

Why are their QR codes on the Norwegian fleet?

So they can Scandinavian.

They also count them so they know when they Finnish

Mortal Kombat was based on a Scandinavian religious song.

A Finnish hymn.

When one kombatant falls, the judges Denmark the match as over and call the fat lady. Sweden sings the Finnish hymn.

If you take the first two letters from the titles of the seven Harry Potter books it spells out a secret message…

Spoiler:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

What do you call four grandmothers sitting next to Bruce Wayne?

Spoiler:

Nana Nana Nana Nana Batman!