Tell us your best dad jokes!

hbi2k wrote:

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?


It doesn't work like that. The light bulb has to want to change.

I've heard the punch line as


only one, but the light bulb has to want to change

CaptainCrowbar wrote:

Look, all I'm saying is, if the USA is so great, why did we need to invent USB?

I USB-C what you did there.

MotleyWizard wrote:
CaptainCrowbar wrote:

Look, all I'm saying is, if the USA is so great, why did we need to invent USB?

I USB-C what you did there.

I do USB 2.


Did you hear that bowling alleys aren't allowed to rent shoes any more after someone caught a disease?

It was a bowler virus.

The doctor comes in with a baby to talk to the new dad.

Doctor: I have good news and bad news.

Dad: What's the good news?

Doctor: You have a healthy baby boy.

Dad: That's great, so what's the bad news?

Doctor: Your wife didn't make it.



Dad: (Hands baby back to the doctor): Then get me the baby my wife did make.

If someone is said to set a high bar for limbo, are they good or bad at it?

Have you heard of the Karma Cafe? They serve just desserts.

Of all the inventions in human history, the whiteboard is perhaps the most remarkable.

I have a joke about UDP but I'm not sure you'll get it.

How did the cyber-extortionist escape capture?


He ransomeware!

Did you know the "S" in "IoT" stands for security?

Robear wrote:

Did you know the "S" in "IoT" stands for security?

Not really a dad joke, but very good.

Dad joke in my family, and several of my friends. I know interesting people.

In 2017 I didn't do a marathon. I didn't do one in 2018, 2019, 2020, or 2021, either. And I probably won't run one this year.


This is a running joke.

BushPilot wrote:


Put that away! Do you want to summon King Ghidorah? Because this is how you get King Ghidorah.


Why are their poptarts, but no momtarts?

The pastryarchy.

Hi everyone! Um... my favorite movie is Titanic.

Oh! Sorry! That was a really bad icebreaker.

A lorry load of wire brushes was stolen outside my house last night.

It's been reported and police are scouring the area.

The moderator role on the "Rocket League Old Farts" Discord server is called "DADmins."

In what Olympic event do Russians always lose to Ukrainians?



Wait for the end.

Someone snuck CRT into my TV repair textbook!

Adapted from the latest AARP Bulletin:

I paid $300 to rent a limo, but it didn't come with a driver. All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

Aliens don't visit the Solar System because they've seen the reviews: only one star.

What advice did Simba's dad give him to catch prey better?


Steven Wright One-Liners


1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

“I didn’t say any of those things.” - Steven Wright


A lumberjack was comforting a talking tree before he cut it down,

"Don't worry, you'll still dialogue."

"The thing about Key Lime pie, for me, is that the key is just a bit... metallic." (Matt Lucas)

You can never tell if a sloth is clapping ironically .