Tell us your best dad jokes!

It Boggles my mind how easily these puns come.

Sorry, not sorry.

IMAGE(https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/412461953219428364/931978831181529178/image0.jpg)

We're about to get boned.
Hope we only get the tip.

Have fun, guys!

Mixolyde wrote:

IMAGE(https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/412461953219428364/931978831181529178/image0.jpg)

We're about to get boned.
Hope we only get the tip.

Have fun, guys!

There’s some hot weather coming in

Way to break the Sequence, there.

You two are in big Trouble.

Well, perhaps it's for the best; the puns are getting a bit par-cheesy.

I was going to try to transition us to card games, but I thought it might be a bridge too far.

hbi2k wrote:

I was going to try to transition us to card games, but I thought it might be a bridge too far.

Why did you discard that idea?

Personally, I think it's pretty hard to come up with any more puns on this topic, but others seem to find it a trivial pursuit.

No matter what, hbi2k, you have our hearts, in spades.

Robear wrote:

No matter what, hbi2k, you have our hearts, in spades.

Really shot the moon with that one.

It slaps, right?

No matter how kind you are, German children are always ......

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/MIHzCuk.jpeg)

Mixolyde wrote:
Hrdina wrote:

A few weeks ago my daughter sent an email to my wife and me that contained the unfortunate phrase "and I will be frank".

My response, of course, started with "Hi frank". Neither of them chose to acknowledge that. I felt unseen.

We see you. We love you. We are you.

My five year old rolls her eyes at me, when she tells me, "I'm tired." or "I'm thirsty." or "I'm hungry." and I reply, "Nice to meet you, Hungry. I'm daddy." She used to debate me, that that is not her name. Now...just the eye rolls.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81. He said he didn't.

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/e08p23f.jpeg)

Paleocon wrote:

No matter how kind you are, German children are always ......

Ditto for Dutch kiddos.

farley3k wrote:

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/MIHzCuk.jpeg)

Wrong thread for mum jokes!

Roo wrote:
Mixolyde wrote:
Hrdina wrote:

A few weeks ago my daughter sent an email to my wife and me that contained the unfortunate phrase "and I will be frank".

My response, of course, started with "Hi frank". Neither of them chose to acknowledge that. I felt unseen.

We see you. We love you. We are you.

My five year old rolls her eyes at me, when she tells me, "I'm tired." or "I'm thirsty." or "I'm hungry." and I reply, "Nice to meet you, Hungry. I'm daddy." She used to debate me, that that is not her name. Now...just the eye rolls.

My favorite is when somewhat asks "Do you know what". I say " No but I hear he is a great guy."

kazar wrote:
Roo wrote:
Mixolyde wrote:
Hrdina wrote:

A few weeks ago my daughter sent an email to my wife and me that contained the unfortunate phrase "and I will be frank".

My response, of course, started with "Hi frank". Neither of them chose to acknowledge that. I felt unseen.

We see you. We love you. We are you.

My five year old rolls her eyes at me, when she tells me, "I'm tired." or "I'm thirsty." or "I'm hungry." and I reply, "Nice to meet you, Hungry. I'm daddy." She used to debate me, that that is not her name. Now...just the eye rolls.

My favorite is when somewhat asks "Do you know what". I say " No but I hear he is a great guy."

Whenever anyone asks "do you know x", the proper response is always "No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it".

kazar wrote:
Roo wrote:
Mixolyde wrote:
Hrdina wrote:

A few weeks ago my daughter sent an email to my wife and me that contained the unfortunate phrase "and I will be frank".

My response, of course, started with "Hi frank". Neither of them chose to acknowledge that. I felt unseen.

We see you. We love you. We are you.

My five year old rolls her eyes at me, when she tells me, "I'm tired." or "I'm thirsty." or "I'm hungry." and I reply, "Nice to meet you, Hungry. I'm daddy." She used to debate me, that that is not her name. Now...just the eye rolls.

My favorite is when somewhat asks "Do you know what". I say " No but I hear he is a great guy."

I grew up with, "No, but I know his brother." from a friend of mine, not a dad, but still...of course I use this now.

In Greece, it's normal and very polite to start a conversation with, "Can I ask you something?", so my kids have translated this, and use this in English in conversations with me. My two go to responses are either

1) A pseudorandom number

Kid, "Daddy, can I ask you something?"
Me, "38.6"

2) Refusal or evasion

Kid, "Daddy, can I ask you something?"
Me, "No, but thanks for asking."

or

Me, "Not right now. Maybe after you clean the kitchen."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like many of my dad jokes, this invariably leads to a (near) quote from Good Morning Vietnam,
"Deep in my heart, I know that I am funny."

In ancient Rome, there were four types of poisons commonly used.

Poisons I, II, and III would kill you with various degrees of pain.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

Roo wrote:

In Greece, it's normal and very polite to start a conversation with, "Can I ask you something?", so my kids have translated this, and use this in English in conversations with me. My two go to responses are either

1) A pseudorandom number

Kid, "Daddy, can I ask you something?"
Me, "38.6"

2) Refusal or evasion

Kid, "Daddy, can I ask you something?"
Me, "No, but thanks for asking."

or

Me, "Not right now. Maybe after you clean the kitchen."

I wouldn't do well in Greece then, I hate when someone asks a question just to ask a question. Just ask me the question already. The one that gets me the most at work is someone will ping me on DM and say "Hi". It then becomes a game to see how long they wait before the next message.

That being said, my answer is usually "Sure" and when they ask their question I respond "I said you can ask me a question, not two".

kazar wrote:
Roo wrote:

In Greece, it's normal and very polite to start a conversation with, "Can I ask you something?", so my kids have translated this, and use this in English in conversations with me. My two go to responses are either

1) A pseudorandom number

Kid, "Daddy, can I ask you something?"
Me, "38.6"

2) Refusal or evasion

Kid, "Daddy, can I ask you something?"
Me, "No, but thanks for asking."

or

Me, "Not right now. Maybe after you clean the kitchen."

I wouldn't do well in Greece then, I hate when someone asks a question just to ask a question. Just ask me the question already. The one that gets me the most at work is someone will ping me on DM and say "Hi". It then becomes a game to see how long they wait before the next message.

That being said, my answer is usually "Sure" and when they ask their question I respond "I said you can ask me a question, not two".

Me, either. My nephew has been starting conversations like this. I've been saying "No" every time to break him of the habit.

Roo wrote:

In Greece, it's normal and very polite to start a conversation with, "Can I ask you something?", so my kids have translated this, and use this in English in conversations with me. My two go to responses are either

1) A pseudorandom number

Kid, "Daddy, can I ask you something?"
Me, "38.6"

2) Refusal or evasion

Kid, "Daddy, can I ask you something?"
Me, "No, but thanks for asking."

or

Me, "Not right now. Maybe after you clean the kitchen."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like many of my dad jokes, this invariably leads to a (near) quote from Good Morning Vietnam,
"Deep in my heart, I know that I am funny."

I'll make use of your #1 response and your alternate response.

For #1, I usually choose 7. Beats me why.

For the other one, especially at work, I will frequently respond with "you just did" and continue doing whatever I was doing. Sometimes the querant will follow with "Can I ask you another?" which elicits the same response.

Another alternate, when they use "Can I" instead of "May I" would be "I'm sure you can if you really concentrate".

When confronted with "I have a question for you" or similar, my response is "I have an answer, want to see if they match". I usually go with the answer to the joke "what did the lookout on Columbus's ship say when he spotted land?" ("I see Ohio, Columbus!"). It rarely matches.

Rarely implies it has at least once, which is a curiosity on its own.

Damn, Firefox's image recognition technology has gotten fantastic!

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/bdxvAbr.png)

Did you hear that the CEO of IKEA was just elected Prime Minister of Sweeden?

Spoiler:

Right now he is busy assembling his cabinet.

Hamburger Helper only works if hamburger is ready to accept the help it needs.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?

Spoiler:

It doesn't work like that. The light bulb has to want to change.

Look, all I'm saying is, if the USA is so great, why did we need to invent USB?