Tell us your best dad jokes!

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What’s a pupper’s favorite occult book?

Spoiler:

The necronomnomicon!

Dr.Incurable wrote:

What’s a pupper’s favorite occult book?

Spoiler:

The necronomnomicon!

Spoiler:

Written by the Bull Arab Labradul, no doubt

The Beach Boys walk into a pub.

"Round?"

"Round."

"Get a round."

"I'll get a round."

Forgive me if this has been added before, but a friend just shared this with me...

You: What's a pirate's favorite letter?

Spoiler:

Audience: R-rrrrrr!
You: You'd think so, but their first love was always the C.

What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Spoiler:

Dear H4x0R69,

Your account has been banned for illegally downloading the following movies and albums off of our server:

From this month's AARP Bulletin:

How does a talking calculator work?

Spoiler:

The results speak for themselves.

What do you call a knight who likes to scare people?

Spoiler:

Sir Prize!

The inventor of autocorrect died. His funnel is tomato.

What do owls say at the start of their day?

Spoiler:

Carpe Noctem!

I saw 3 police cars going in reverse up my street this morning.

Someone must have called for backup.

Actual conversation that I just had

Rabbi friend: Okay beyond and impossible, where are your lamb substitute meats?

me: I am pretty sure My Big Fat Greek Wedding established that lamb is NOT meat.

other friend: Y'all need Jesus.

me: Lamb of God is still lamb!

Went to the doctor today. She asked for a stool sample. I pulled out a small chair from my bag. The doc yelled at me for wasting her time. I went home, and I still don’t know why I’m pooping furniture. The nightmare continues.

UpToIsomorphism wrote:

Went to the doctor today. She asked for a stool sample. I pulled out a small chair from my bag. The doc yelled at me for wasting her time. I went home, and I still don’t know why I’m pooping furniture. The nightmare continues.

Not the Splinter Cell you want to play.

A man came to the hospital today with 25 plastic horses inserted in his rectum.

Spoiler:

Doctors described his condition as stable

I went to McDonalds and ordered two large fries.
They gave me like 80 small ones instead.

I saw this sign in the NC mountains this weekend:

"Our mountains aren't funny. They're hill areas."

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A few weeks ago my daughter sent an email to my wife and me that contained the unfortunate phrase "and I will be frank".

My response, of course, started with "Hi frank". Neither of them chose to acknowledge that. I felt unseen.

Hrdina wrote:

A few weeks ago my daughter sent an email to my wife and me that contained the unfortunate phrase "and I will be frank".

My response, of course, started with "Hi frank". Neither of them chose to acknowledge that. I felt unseen.

We see you. We love you. We are you.

What is the difference between a poorly dressed bicyclist and a well dressed unicyclist?

Spoiler:

Attire.

71% of the Earth is covered in water.

None of it is carbonated.

Proof the world is flat.

My kid came up with this one....

Sensei: Can you do this assassination?
Ninja: Shuriken!

Kunai ever!

I stupidly thought I had a copy of every board game.

I didn't have a Clue.

tanstaafl wrote:

I stupidly thought I had a copy of every board game.

I didn't have a Clue.

But you have a Monopoloy on board game puns, and you're not Sorry.

I almost stole a board game once, but I didn't want to take the Risk.

I invited my friends for a board game night but I screwed up the invitation and put the time but not which day.

Spoiler:

It was a Mystery Date.

You guys need to Acquire some new material.

Or get a Life.

Maybe try a different Ploy.