What’s a pupper’s favorite occult book?
The necronomnomicon!
What’s a pupper’s favorite occult book?
Spoiler:The necronomnomicon!
Written by the Bull Arab Labradul, no doubt
The Beach Boys walk into a pub.
"Round?"
"Round."
"Get a round."
"I'll get a round."
Forgive me if this has been added before, but a friend just shared this with me...
You: What's a pirate's favorite letter?
Audience: R-rrrrrr!
You: You'd think so, but their first love was always the C.
What's a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?
Dear H4x0R69,
Your account has been banned for illegally downloading the following movies and albums off of our server:
From this month's AARP Bulletin:
How does a talking calculator work?
The results speak for themselves.
What do you call a knight who likes to scare people?
Sir Prize!
The inventor of autocorrect died. His funnel is tomato.
What do owls say at the start of their day?
Carpe Noctem!
I saw 3 police cars going in reverse up my street this morning.
Someone must have called for backup.
Actual conversation that I just had
Rabbi friend: Okay beyond and impossible, where are your lamb substitute meats?
me: I am pretty sure My Big Fat Greek Wedding established that lamb is NOT meat.
other friend: Y'all need Jesus.
me: Lamb of God is still lamb!
Went to the doctor today. She asked for a stool sample. I pulled out a small chair from my bag. The doc yelled at me for wasting her time. I went home, and I still don’t know why I’m pooping furniture. The nightmare continues.
Went to the doctor today. She asked for a stool sample. I pulled out a small chair from my bag. The doc yelled at me for wasting her time. I went home, and I still don’t know why I’m pooping furniture. The nightmare continues.
Not the Splinter Cell you want to play.
A man came to the hospital today with 25 plastic horses inserted in his rectum.
Doctors described his condition as stable
I went to McDonalds and ordered two large fries.
They gave me like 80 small ones instead.
I saw this sign in the NC mountains this weekend:
"Our mountains aren't funny. They're hill areas."
A few weeks ago my daughter sent an email to my wife and me that contained the unfortunate phrase "and I will be frank".
My response, of course, started with "Hi frank". Neither of them chose to acknowledge that. I felt unseen.
A few weeks ago my daughter sent an email to my wife and me that contained the unfortunate phrase "and I will be frank".
My response, of course, started with "Hi frank". Neither of them chose to acknowledge that. I felt unseen.
We see you. We love you. We are you.
What is the difference between a poorly dressed bicyclist and a well dressed unicyclist?
Attire.
71% of the Earth is covered in water.
None of it is carbonated.
Proof the world is flat.
My kid came up with this one....
Sensei: Can you do this assassination?
Ninja: Shuriken!
Kunai ever!
I stupidly thought I had a copy of every board game.
I didn't have a Clue.
I stupidly thought I had a copy of every board game.
I didn't have a Clue.
But you have a Monopoloy on board game puns, and you're not Sorry.
I almost stole a board game once, but I didn't want to take the Risk.
I invited my friends for a board game night but I screwed up the invitation and put the time but not which day.
It was a Mystery Date.
You guys need to Acquire some new material.
Or get a Life.
Maybe try a different Ploy.
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