Tell us your best dad jokes!

I was going through some of my father's old vinyl albums, and nothing like finding a good dad joke among good dad rock

IMAGE(https://img.discogs.com/4Adkx4ye_Uh-bV443eRE147xMqA=/fit-in/600x600/filters:strip_icc():format(jpeg):mode_rgb():quality(90)/discogs-images/R-6520452-1421176344-1134.jpeg.jpg)

Skraut wrote:

I was going through some of my father's old vinyl albums, and nothing like finding a good dad joke among good dad rock

IMAGE(https://img.discogs.com/4Adkx4ye_Uh-bV443eRE147xMqA=/fit-in/600x600/filters:strip_icc():format(jpeg):mode_rgb():quality(90)/discogs-images/R-6520452-1421176344-1134.jpeg.jpg)

REO Speedwagon? Looks like the joke is on you!

Q: Why did the pie go to the dentist?
A: TO GET A FILLING

Q: How do you stop a bear from charging?
A: TAKE AWAY ITS CREDIT CARDS

Q: What is the best pan for making sushi?
A: JAPAN

Author Joe Hill spent ten years successfully writing independent fiction before announcing who his famous father is. Not even his agent knew he was Stephen King's son. Said the agent, "You gotta be Joe King."

A mp4 that belongs here. Spoilered in hope it doesn’t play havoc with the thread formatting.

Spoiler:

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/9tsi2LR.mp4)

Skraut wrote:

I was going through some of my father's old vinyl albums, and nothing like finding a good dad joke among good dad rock

I think anything on vinyl, these days, is grandpa rock.

This happened a few minutes ago:

Daughter (speaking out loud to herself): My eye hurts.
Merphle: Did you dot it?
D: What?
M: Did you dot your i?
D: I don't like you.

Why don't ant colonies get sick?

Spoiler:

Because they have so many little ant-ibodies!

How do you know if an ant is male or female?

Put it in water. If it floats, it’s boy ant.

What is a pig's favorite Shakespeare play?

Spoiler:

HAMlet

Spoiler: Which Shakespeare play do all the assholes like?

CoriolANUS.

Oh yeah, I got my daughter with this one the other night.

Daughter: Dad, can I take a shower?
Me: No. You will have to leave it where it is and just be happy.

It wasn't my best but I still got the desired effect.

You must be a real hoot when she has to take a pee...

BushPilot wrote:

You must be a real hoot when she has to take a pee...

Don’t take one of mine! I’ve only got three left, and the weekends coming up.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:
BushPilot wrote:

You must be a real hoot when she has to take a pee...

Don’t take one of mine! I’ve only got three left, and the weekends coming up.

Paging George Carlin, Paging Mr. George Carlin...

Hrdina wrote:
doubtingthomas396 wrote:
BushPilot wrote:

You must be a real hoot when she has to take a pee...

Don’t take one of mine! I’ve only got three left, and the weekends coming up.

Paging George Carlin, Paging Mr. George Carlin...

Sorry sir, that line is dead

hahaha... aww i made myself sad.

I'm at work, so I don't have a joke to share at the moment, but I did want drop in to share my excitement. My 18-year old daughter surprised me with this a few days ago:

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Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

BushPilot wrote:

You must be a real hoot when she has to take a pee...

"No, you can't. But you might want to leave one."

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

Spoiler:

I know he means well.

farley3k wrote:

My dad said the other day when I was feeling down, “Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in an underground hole full of water.”

Spoiler:

I know he means well.

What is Heavy Rain alex.

Told my dad that I found a new English phrase for saying thank you. I then said Danke schön, Pater. He glared at me, and I knew I found a new way to mess with him.

I used to purposefully butcher Latin or German when talking with him, because he speaks German and understands enough Latin to know how it's pronounced and meanings of most words that I know, but I'm kinda sad it took me this long to know that I could combine the two to mess with him, only like 7 years at this point. Now that I know how to speak "English" I have a whole new avenue to mess with him.

As we say here in the US, wunderbar.

I hate you all.

Robear wrote:

I hate you all.

Mach dir keine sorgen, non ego operor illud saepe.

What is the medical term for owning too many dogs? A Roverdose. I'll see myself out.

Dr.Incurable wrote:

I'll see myself out.

Why? You're clearly in the right place.

Hrdina wrote:
Dr.Incurable wrote:

I'll see myself out.

Why? You're clearly in the right place.

Well he can scarcely see himself in. Eyes just don’t work that way.

doubtingthomas396 wrote:
Hrdina wrote:
Dr.Incurable wrote:

I'll see myself out.

Why? You're clearly in the right place.

Well he can scarcely see himself in. Eyes just don’t work that way.

And inside of a dog, it's too dark to read!

We'll be fine as long as you keep your karma away from my dogma.