Tell us your best dad jokes!

Citizen86 wrote:
BadKen wrote:

Tried being a programmer, but I couldn't hack it...

[EDIT: Ugh. Current events make the pro gamer joke just depressing.]

What's that now?

Google madden shooting. I don't even want to think about it, and joking about pro gamers right now is just not funny, so I edited mine out.

SillyRabbit wrote:

How do you know how much a chili pepper weighs?

Spoiler:

Give it a weigh
Give it a weigh
Give it a weigh now

I coach high school volleyball in the evenings and put a new dad joke on the practice board every day. I saw that one on another site and put it up and none of the girls got it. It made me feel very old. lol.

We were over at a friend's house, and we had brought over mini-cinnamon rolls for dessert. At one point we were just mispronouncing cinnamon, and I said synonym rolls.

Friend: "Synonym rolls. I'd eat those."

Me: "Or something like it."

Just like Grammar used to make.

Or bake.

Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the Bay they'd be bagels

I posted a time travel joke, but none of you liked it.

Last night my wife made a pork loin with Mongolian marinade.

It smelled so good while it was cooking that I told her I couldn’t wait Attila’t was done.

It was a bad joke, but I was so HUNgry.

I lost my wife's favorite Stephen King audiobook. Now I'm never going to hear the end of It.

Then there was the guy on trial for stealing a Stephen King book. He never took The Stand.

tanstaafl wrote:

I posted a time travel joke, but none of you liked it.

I just clicked "like."

*brace for paradox*

...In what universe, Stupidhaiku?

dibs wrote:

This isn't a dad jokes, but a comment about dad jokes. My dad told me 2 jokes today in the van. the first was about 2 seagulls and he gave them texan accents for some reason. Then he told me a joke about 3 irish people, and he also gave one of them a texan accent. I have no idea what is going on.

My daughter watches a lot of subpar animated features on Netflix. In one of the Balto sequels there were two polar bears with Australian accents. I couldn’t shake the feeling that they were trolling me. Not just trolling their audience in general. I felt like it was aimed specifically at me. It really gave me the willies.

I went to the library and asked if they had any books on paranoia. The librarian leaned forward and whispered, “They’re right behind you.”

Hrdina wrote:
Nomad wrote:
Hrdina wrote:
WizKid wrote:

Where do jokes come from?

A Dad Joke meets a Yo Momma joke and then they knock knock.

Who's there?

European - FTFY

No. You’re a’peein’ - FTFY

You’re welcome.

When you think about it, cassette tapes had a side A and a side B, so of course the natural progression would be to a CD.

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

Because they're shellfish.

I just realized that I tell dad jokes even though I don't have kids. I'm a faux pas.

tanstaafl wrote:

I lost my wife's favorite Stephen King audiobook. Now I'm never going to hear the end of It.

Then there was the guy on trial for stealing a Stephen King book. He never took The Stand.

The police confiscated my hidden Stephen King book; they said I concealed Carrie without the proper permit.

sometimesdee wrote:
tanstaafl wrote:

I lost my wife's favorite Stephen King audiobook. Now I'm never going to hear the end of It.

Then there was the guy on trial for stealing a Stephen King book. He never took The Stand.

The police confiscated my hidden Stephen King book; they said I concealed Carrie without the proper permit.

Hey, here’s a good Stephen King joke:

Spoiler:

Hearts in Atlantis

Heyooo!

My ex broke up with me for being too old fashioned. It is a shame. I thought we had great alchemy.

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, but couldn't find a manual.

Did you know that Rick Astley is a huge Pixar fan? Toy Story. Cars. Monster's Inc.

He buys dozens and dozens of copies of all their movies, and gives them out to friends, family, and even just random strangers on the street. But there's one that he refuses to even think about gifting.

He's never gonna give you Up.

tansaafl wrote:

My ex broke up with me for being too old fashioned. It is a shame. I thought we had great alchemy.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift, but couldn't find a manual.

These remind me of Steven Wright.

My flat-earther friend was gonna walk to the end of the earth to prove it's flat. But in the end he came around.
Flat-earthers have nothing to fear except sphere itself.

Now that it’s that time of year, what do you call a naughty turkey? Dinner. This joke brought to you by the wonders of Percocet.

Dr.Incurable wrote:

Now that it’s that time of year, what do you call a naughty turkey? Dinner. This joke brought to you by the wonders of Percocet.

Roadkill. There are so many flipping turkeys roaming the streets. I even saw one in Boston yesterday.

Via Alexa this morning:

Where did Napoleon keep his armies.

Spoiler:

In his sleevies.

I've never been quick with the dad-jokes, but I think this thread is rubbing off on me. I was visiting my family over the holidays, and my brother was talking about injuring his knee on vacation:

Brother: "So I came back from Hawaii on crutches."
Me: "Wouldn't it have been easier to come back on a boat or plane?"

deftly wrote:

I've never been quick with the dad-jokes, but I think this thread is rubbing off on me. I was visiting my family over the holidays, and my brother was talking about injuring his knee on vacation:

Brother: "So I came back from Hawaii on crutches."
Me: "Wouldn't it have been easier to come back on a boat or plane?"

That's hilarious. Please tell me you paused half-way through to put on your sunglasses.

Spoiler:

IMAGE(https://i.imgur.com/XsiNJ8C.gif)

Likelikelikelikelike

Simoncholland on Twitter wrote:

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

I went to see my doctor the other day. "Not seen you for a while," she said.

"I know, I've been ill."