Tell us your best dad jokes!

This is a conversation which actually happened two days ago...

Me, while getting ready for bed: "I just realised that it's bin day tomorrow and I forgot to leave them out."

My wife: "Well that's rubbish."

She got me good with that one!

When I browse GWJ I only post apocalyptically.

And there's been no fallout from that? You lead a sheltered life, I think.

If I'm roetgen my favorite posts, that's up there.

I can never decide between dystopian or datopian. How about U?

How does a Romulan frog hide?

It uses its croaking device.

mrwynd wrote:

How does a Romulan frog hide?

It uses its croaking device.

What kind of forest animal can't see?

I have no eye-deer.

(You have to say this one out loud in a country accent.)

I may have posted this many pages back but I usually tell that as the first of three jokes.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a dear with no legs and no eyes?

Still no eye deer

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Eleph-ino

Spoiler:

hell if I know

Tscott wrote:

I may have posted this many pages back but I usually tell that as the first of three jokes.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a dear with no legs and no eyes?

Still no eye deer

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Eleph-ino

Spoiler:

hell if I know

Isn't this in Jurrasic park? (obviously it's way older than that, but this is where I remember it from)

thrawn82 wrote:
Tscott wrote:

I may have posted this many pages back but I usually tell that as the first of three jokes.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a dear with no legs and no eyes?

Still no eye deer

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Eleph-ino

Spoiler:

hell if I know

Isn't this in Jurrasic park? (obviously it's way older than that, but this is where I remember it from)

Nope, those were "Veggie-saurus" and "Do-you-think-he-saurus"

Mixolyde wrote:
thrawn82 wrote:
Tscott wrote:

I may have posted this many pages back but I usually tell that as the first of three jokes.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No eye deer

What do you call a dear with no legs and no eyes?

Still no eye deer

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Eleph-ino

Spoiler:

hell if I know

Isn't this in Jurrasic park? (obviously it's way older than that, but this is where I remember it from)

Nope, those were "Veggie-saurus" and "Do-you-think-he-saurus"

What was the most fearsome dinosaur of the Metonym Era?

The Thesaurus.

I hope you're all ready!

...

How do Penguins get around?
On a b-icicle!

Who is a Penguin's favourite family member?
Aunt Arctica!

Why are Penguins good racing car drivers?
Because they are always in pole position!

Why are Penguins hard to get along with?
Because they are always fishing for compliments!

Why can't Penguins fly?
Because they are chocolate biscuits! (Who needs context?)

Stevintendo wrote:

Because they are chocolate biscuits! (Who needs context?)

Probably anyone who doesn't use 'biscuit' with the British (and apparently Irish) meaning.

Hrdina wrote:
Stevintendo wrote:

Because they are chocolate biscuits! (Who needs context?)

Probably anyone who doesn't use 'biscuit' with the British (and apparently Irish) meaning.

So biscuit (English) = cookie (American).
So... apparently there is a biscuit/cookie called a Penguin?

Tscott wrote:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Eleph-ino

Spoiler:

hell if I know

This is the absolute best telling of this joke I have ever come across.

It's the fact that they have to explain it and the audience still doesn't get it that totally cracks me up.

tanstaafl wrote:
Hrdina wrote:
Stevintendo wrote:

Because they are chocolate biscuits! (Who needs context?)

Probably anyone who doesn't use 'biscuit' with the British (and apparently Irish) meaning.

So biscuit (English) = cookie (American).
So... apparently there is a biscuit/cookie called a Penguin?

You should have seen the joke I chose not to include!

Here's that context I mentioned before.

Spoiler:

So, for me, these are biscuits:
IMAGE(http://stolensleep.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/plate-of-biscuits-288x300.jpg)

These are a type of biscuit called a cookie, or chocolate chip cookie:
IMAGE(https://image.shutterstock.com/image-photo/plate-cookies-260nw-1817081.jpg)

And these are Penguins, which - ironically - I would probably refer to more as a bar than a biscuit, even though technically they are a type of biscuit:
IMAGE(https://wisechoiceuk.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/PenguinSingle-350.jpg)

Fun fact; Penguins come with (edit) high-quality penguin-themed-jokes on the back...but that has nothing to do with the jokes I posted yesterday so I don't know why I'm mentioning it.

Stevintendo wrote:

Who is a Penguin's favourite family member?
Aunt Arctica!

This only works if you're one of the heathens who mispronounces aunt.

Stengah wrote:

you're one of the heathens

I hate to think what you'd call me if you knew how close I came to misspelling Arctica...

I used to have a fear of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it

I have a fear of elevators. I take steps to avoid them.

What do you call a racing snail who lost his shell?

A little sluggish.

Stevintendo wrote:

And these are Penguins, which - ironically - I would probably refer to more as a bar than a biscuit, even though technically they are a type of biscuit:
IMAGE(https://wisechoiceuk.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/PenguinSingle-350.jpg)

Penguins look a lot like Tim Tams.

Ted wrote:
Stevintendo wrote:

And these are Penguins, which - ironically - I would probably refer to more as a bar than a biscuit, even though technically they are a type of biscuit:
IMAGE(https://wisechoiceuk.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/PenguinSingle-350.jpg)

Penguins look a lot like Tim Tams.

Please note: Although similar in appearance to Tim Tams, Penguins are objectively inferior to Tim Tams.

I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it off I'm going to get repossessed.

Strewth wrote:
Tscott wrote:

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Eleph-ino

Spoiler:

hell if I know

This is the absolute best telling of this joke I have ever come across.

It's the fact that they have to explain it and the audience still doesn't get it that totally cracks me up.

Cracked me up the first time it was aired and every time since. Thanks for reminding me of it =D

I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Then I became an IRS auditor, but it was too taxing.
So I became a baker, but didn't make enough dough.
After that I tried being a butcher, but I couldn't cut it. It was the wurst.
Finally I became a locksmith, and that has opened so many doors!

Tried being a programmer, but I couldn't hack it...

[EDIT: Ugh. Current events make the pro gamer joke just depressing.]

How do you know how much a chili pepper weighs?

Spoiler:

Give it a weigh
Give it a weigh
Give it a weigh now

BadKen wrote:

Tried being a programmer, but I couldn't hack it...

[EDIT: Ugh. Current events make the pro gamer joke just depressing.]

What's that now?