Tell us your best dad jokes!

UpToIsomorphism wrote:

Dad puzzle: Also true story!

Last year, a math professor announced that he and his wife were pregnant at our department meeting. He announced that right now, he has a 3/4 probability of having a boy, and also a 3/4 probability of having a girl.

How is this possible?

Twins!

Trilogy 1:

What's pink and slippery?
Slippers

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG!!!

Trilogy 2:

Why couldn't the pirate go to the movies?
It was rated ARRRRRRR!!!

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they ARRRRRRR!!!

Why are pirates good singers?
They hit the high C's.

Trilogy 3:

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No-Eye Deer

What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes?
Still No-Eye Deer

What do you get if you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elephino!

Spoiler:

No i-deer! Still no i-deer! 'Ell if I know, Coral!!!!!

BunbyHeri wrote:

I'm not sure whether this one's been posted yet, but:

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Spoiler:

Nacho cheese

Along those lines...

I heard this one on the drive to work this morning:

I recently met an 80-year-old woman who told me that she had recently married her fourth husband. "He's a funeral director," she said. I asked her about the occupations of her three former husbands. She replied, "The first was a banker, the second was a circus performer, and the third was a preacher."

I said, "A banker, a circus performer, a preacher, and a funeral director? That is a rather diverse set of occupations!"

She replied, "Well, it was

Spoiler:

One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!"

What's brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dre

The ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 suddenly starts sending black smoke up from it's funnels. The captain calls down to the engine room, "We're sending out black smoke." A voice from the engine room replies, "What f'ing colour would you like the smoke to be?" "Do you know who this is? I'm the ships captain!" the voice in the engine room says, "Do you know who this is?" The captain says, "No." the voice says, "Thank God for that," and hangs up.

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.

That's terrible.

That is terrible, I can't figure out why I'm sitting here giggling.

I love it

Tanglebones wrote:

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.


Day has been officially "made."

Which is to say, the day has murdered someone.

Tanglebones wrote:

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.

IMAGE(http://replygif.net/i/1253.gif)

Tanglebones wrote:

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom. He waits in the ticket line for a really long time but gets them. He goes to rent a limo. The rental line is really long but he eventually does it. He goes to buy her flowers. The line at the florist is really long but eventually he gets the flowers. At prom, she asks him to go get punch. He goes to the refreshment table and there’s no punchline.

I've pulled this joke off before, but the key is to elaborate on every single detail to draw it out as long as possible. I got a solid 10 minutes of story in before getting to the punchline, and a solid 10 minutes of being banished to the couch by my wife.

The fact that it's so terrible is what makes it so awesome. Classic Dad Joke, and gave me a huge grin.

Oh hi dad joke thread. Yeah, I've missed you. More than you'll ever know...

I think my neighbor is a wizard. After he commutes home, his car turns into a driveway.

Cyranix wrote:

I think my neighbor is a wizard. After he commutes home, his car turns into a driveway.

IMAGE(http://i.giphy.com/14xBs3z25CiiPK.gif)

IMAGE(http://www.magicalmaths.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/best-math-jokes.jpg)

dejanzie wrote:

Oh hi dad joke thread. Yeah, I've missed you. More than you'll ever know...

I'm just discovering this thread, now i know what I'm doing tonight.

Son: Dad, how can you know if someone is drunk?

Dad: Well, see those two policemen over there? If I told you there were four policemen there, I'd be drunk.

Son: But, Dad, there's only one policeman over there.

Dad, my bike keeps falling over, it won't stand up by itself.

Of course it won't, it's two tyred...

I actually got to use this one today!

My wife wanted me to pick up an oil mister on the way home from work...

IMAGE(http://f.cl.ly/items/3q1O0O420A26271d3b0A/Screen%20Shot%202015-01-29%20at%203.24.35%20PM.png)

I hardly know her!

I HARDLY KNOW HER, CORAL!

"Keep on chopping veggies!" - Julienne Moore

So good, T-Prime. So good.

I was hanging pictures the other day, so I got my stud finder out. I pointed it at myself, and turned it on. "Yup, it works."

I'm sure my daughters will find that hilarious when they are older.

Nicholaas wrote:

I was hanging pictures the other day, so I got my stud finder out. I pointed it at myself, and turned it on. "Yup, it works."

I'm sure my daughters will find that hilarious when they are older.

Or they'll say it's proof that it's actually broken.

danopian wrote:

So good, T-Prime. So good.

I didn't get it.

julienne - adjective (of food, especially vegetables) cut into thin strips or small, matchlike pieces.

verb (used with object), julienned, julienning.
to cut (something, especially a vegetable) into thin strips or small, matchlike pieces:

Julianne Moore