Tell us your best dad jokes!

Squeegee_Joe wrote:
ems777 wrote:
OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

I've got to try this out. Not sure how it will go but I don't think laughter will be involved.

The look on my wife's face was "unamused".

My wife was cracking up at this! Her reaction has enabled me on this joke big time. I might even try stand up now. I'll be sure to give credit where it's due.

ems777 wrote:
Squeegee_Joe wrote:
ems777 wrote:
OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

I've got to try this out. Not sure how it will go but I don't think laughter will be involved.

The look on my wife's face was "unamused".

My wife was cracking up at this! Her reaction has enabled me on this joke big time. I might even try stand up now. I'll be sure to give credit where it's due.

If I had a slow-motion video camera, it would have been like that Simpsons episode where Lisa broke Ralph's heart, except watching confusion change to disgust.

Here's another oldie to get people with:

Did you hear Willie Nelson died?

[Wait for shocked surprise, questions of "How?"]

He was playing "On the Road Again".

Dad: Hey, what's the chemical formula for water?

Son: H2O

Dad: So it's H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O ?

Son: ...
Son: Seriously, Dad?

My kids have been begging me for jokes lately, but most of the ones I can think of to over their heads.

That's why I prefer low humor.

Katy wrote:

Dad: Hey, what's the chemical formula for water?

Son: H2O

Dad: So it's H - I - J - K - L - M - N - O ?

Son: ...
Son: Seriously, Dad?

Brilliant.

Diamond jokes are brilliant. Water jokes are easy - they just flow.

Q: Why does the pope put a smoke alarm on the back of his gondala?
A: He's all about the punt effects.

Why does Meg Trainor put bunkers in her main?
Because she's all about that base.

I was playing Shovel Knight and game across "Croaker," and immediately thought of this thread.

(Skip to around 0:35 for jokes.)

Gone

Sorry, dude. Wasn't my intent.

A man goes to the zoo. ther eis only one animal there. It is a Dog.

It is a sh*tzu.

These come courtesy of my son:

Q: What kind of fish yells "OW OW OW?"

A: An octopus wearing tight shoes.

Q: What's tattoo plus tattoo?

A: Tat-four!

I saw an episode of Scrubs with a string of bad puns and thought of you:

That patients tumor is so big it's starting to look like a three-mor.

I was going to be a cardiologist, but I didn't have the heart.

I was going to be a psychiatrist, but I was a-freud.

I was going to be a doctor... But I didn't have the patience.

I was gonna be a baker, but I couldn't raise the dough.

You know, I was gonna have her bring you some chicken, but it was foul.

It was 'Red nose day' in the UK yesterday (Comic relief charity) and people on radio 4 were telling their favourite jokes. One presenter said he went to a Pantomime and Buttons came on stage carrying a rifle. Another character looked at the gun and noticed that it had three barrels. He asked, "Does that gun have three barrels?"
Buttons smiled, held up the rifle and said, "Yes, it's my trifle."

I'm not Christian, but I did once give up picking my belly button for Lint.

last two are great!

Cyranix wrote:

I'm not Catholic, but I did once give up picking my belly button for Lint.

Youre certainly are not FTFY.

Did you hear about he kid who glued his plastic bricks together?

He couldn't lego (let go)

I wasn't sure about my beard at first... but then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cobbler who fell in his own shop and broke his leg? When he tried to pull himself to a phone to call a doctor a crate of Dr. Scholl's pads fell on him.

It was just adding insoles to injury.

I always remember a cracker joke I read that asked: What happened to the man who mistook window putty for tooth paste? Answer: All his windows fell out.

ToeKnee79 wrote:

I wasn't sure about my beard at first... but then it grew on me.

I use that one allllll the time. =P

I was up all night wondering where the sun went, then it dawned on me.

Our surgical patient was extremely anxious about her imminent OR. I helped her to sleep on the problem.

Conjuntivitus .com... there's a site for sore eyes.

Did you hear the one about the high wall?

It was hilarious! I'm still trying to get over it.

I'd tell you the one about the ceiling, but it's over your head.

I prefer floor jokes, even though everyone says they're beneath me.