Tell us your best dad jokes!

Why was the marble statue so grumpy?

People kept taking it for granite.

With enough people taking the marble statue for granite, the museum replaced the material bit by bit with actual granite. In the end, the statue tragically became insane. It lost its marble.

LarryC wrote:

With enough people taking the marble statue for granite, the museum replaced the material bit by bit with actual granite. In the end, the statue tragically became insane. It lost its marble.

Poor thing just wasn't cut out for Museum life.

Few statues are. You really need to stay in shape to make it there.

The statue did make an impression on one admirer, though. He really bowled her over.

These jokes rock.

Pumice.

merphle wrote:

Punice.

FTFY

What's the difference between a clown on a unicycle and a businessman on a bicycle?

Spoiler:

Attire. (Or "a tire". This is one that works much better spoken than written.)

What do you call a party in a topiary garden?

Hedge funs.

Why did the activist have all the evergreen trees on his land cut down?

He was anti-fir.

Why did the baker's assistant skim cash from the till?

He kneaded the dough.

Where does Agent 007 bring all of his totaled Aston Martins?

Junk Bonds.

Which high ranking Naval officer can program in Basic?

Commodore 64

Why is the toilet running?

It feels a little flush.

What did the hippy say after trying exotic Australian cuisine?

Spoiler:

Kangaroovy, man.

How did the Australian Chess National Championships end?

Check, mate!

LarryC wrote:

How did the Australian Chess National Championships end?

Check, mate!

I endorse this bad joke.

There's a new literary sensation sweeping Austrailia. The new novel "Dew" is a runaway smash. Booksellers can't keep it on shelves. Everyone's talking about it.

Everywhere you go, someone is asking "Didja read Dew?"

I hope child support never stumbles upon this thread. Some people here might get into serious trouble.

Why did the mushroom buy a round of drinks for the bar?

He's a fun guy to be with!

I love that one!

"Daaaad...where does the wind come from ?"
"It's the trees sneezing." - Calvin and Hobbs

This comic made me think of all of you:

http://explosm.net/comics/3853/

OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

I've got to try this out. Not sure how it will go but I don't think laughter will be involved.

ems777 wrote:
OldMud wrote:

Me: Did you hear about that actress that got attacked and stabbed by her crazed stalker?!
Wife: What?! No! Which actress?
Me: Oh what's her name... Reese... um...Reese...
Wife: Witherspoon?
Me: No - with a knife.
Wife: ...

I've got to try this out. Not sure how it will go but I don't think laughter will be involved.

The look on my wife's face was "unamused".

Should have ended it on 'relieved'.

Also, I thought Dad jokes were to be with less violence?

RolandofGilead wrote:

Also, I thought Dad jokes were to be with less violence?

Indeed. Nobody likes an overbearing Strings section.

I dunno. I've always thought that Dad anything came with violins attached.