Fellow Child-free folk - Let's Chat: Do you feel it is risky being "out" these days?

Garion333 - while I really appreciate your willingness to be saw raw and honest, let me add to those encouraging you to please work through your issues about her current child before you even think about getting married. Despite having kids of my own, the very last thing I'd encourage is someone to become a parent without really, really wanting the child. There's way too much at stake for everybody involved.

Since your original question was about books and given what you said about the need to financially wait on a therapist perhaps you could find a kind ear from a social worker who works for an adoption agency or read up on attachment and adoption.

concentric wrote:

I think the thing to be careful of is the resentment you feel, because that can be really harmful to a relationship. If I were you, I'd look at the reasons you might have for that feeling before doing anything else. Is it a matter of how much time and energy raising the child is taking? There are good suggestions above about making sure you and she have time alone together. The child will grow more independent, so that will get easier, but still.

Good luck, this is a tough decision.

Yup, locking down that feeling is definitely high on the priority list. There are SO many factors in a relationship it's tough to know what is causing certain the feeling. I'm well aware that I could very well be displacing my anger towards her onto him.

Rahmen wrote:

Garion333 - while I really appreciate your willingness to be saw raw and honest, let me add to those encouraging you to please work through your issues about her current child before you even think about getting married. Despite having kids of my own, the very last thing I'd encourage is someone to become a parent without really, really wanting the child. There's way too much at stake for everybody involved.

Since your original question was about books and given what you said about the need to financially wait on a therapist perhaps you could find a kind ear from a social worker who works for an adoption agency or read up on attachment and adoption.

Oh, I'm not close to proposing and would only ever do that after I'm sure we're both on the same page with everything. Especially since she does have a son. Having come from a divorced household I'm keenly aware of the effects of such divorce and as such wouldn't want to put her son through more crap than he's been through.

In other news, I discussed some things with the gf last night and while they weren't specifically about marriage and having kids, it was all germaine to this discussion and things are looking more up than they were before. Not sure where I lay on the having or not having kids divide, but the talk we had yesterday was encouraging in other ways.

For the record, that sense of immediate parental love and desire to care for the kid forever starting at the moment of birth is kind of a myth. Delivery is stressful and gross, the baby tends to be funny looking more than beautiful, and what comes after is mostly doing what needs to be done for a child that is really pretty boring to be around. That bond develops over time, and is only as strong as the effort you've put into forging it. Plenty of parents half-ass parenthood too, for any number of reasons. In short, that the kid isn't yours by birth is totally irrelevant, and what you're feeling is totally natural. Birth parents just get over that hump while the kid is still too young to be aware of what's going on.

I'd decide right now if you really want to be this kid's parent. Like all the way. If you don't, do your girlfriend a favor and tell her. No kid deserves a parent, biological or otherwise, who isn't really invested. But if you do, be prepared to work at it and for the love part to take a bit of time. Four year olds are really a lot of fun if you give them a chance. And they're learning like crazy at that age. I'd hit up the parenthood for ideas if you need help with activities. Or, you know, ask your girlfriend.

This very much covers a lot of the thoughts that I've had with regards to parenthood.

http://www.npr.org/2014/02/04/271416...

Well worth the time to listen.

Listicle? When the hell did that become an actual word?

Because it's an opportunity to talk about themselves? Parents like to talk about their kid first and their experience parenting second. Good and bad. If they're not tut-tutting you for not having kids and experiencing the joy they are they're telling other people how terrible being a parent is.

JC wrote:

Listicle? When the hell did that become an actual word?

I don't think it is. Also, welcome to the Internet, where we invent new words constantly.

It's a perfectly cromulent word, guys.

So you want more joyful accounts of parenting?

I didn't name the article!

Quintin_Stone wrote:

It's a perfectly cromulent word, guys.

Cromulent? This is all I can think of

IMAGE(http://www.conanmovieblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Conan_The-King.jpg)

I could tell you about how a lot of things before I became a parent and after were pretty much the same or sort of better, but it's really not the sort of thing one writes about or hears about.

"I am a father now. I feel kind of ambivalent but expectant, and I need to do this for the future of my family line and the survival of my clan. Also, need some insurance against no safety-net poverty in old age."

It's a little too prosaic to be all that interesting to read or write.

"Davy's crying his head off.

Alright. Put him in the curtained room until he calms down and carry on with fixing dinner and laundry. Pretty much just like we did on laundry day before."

It's neither a sublime moment of triumph nor a depressing shock of surreal humanity. It's largely just business as usual, with the addition of a new trainee every now and then. Who wants to read about that?

JC wrote:
Quintin_Stone wrote:

It's a perfectly cromulent word, guys.

Cromulent? This is all I can think of

IMAGE(http://www.conanmovieblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Conan_The-King.jpg)

IMAGE(http://showbizgeek.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Screen-Shot-2013-05-17-at-11.57.23.png)

DSGamer wrote:

Because it's an opportunity to talk about themselves? Parents like to talk about their kid first and their experience parenting second. Good and bad. If they're not tut-tutting you for not having kids and experiencing the joy they are they're telling other people how terrible being a parent is.

Did you read the article?

SixteenBlue wrote:
DSGamer wrote:

Because it's an opportunity to talk about themselves? Parents like to talk about their kid first and their experience parenting second. Good and bad. If they're not tut-tutting you for not having kids and experiencing the joy they are they're telling other people how terrible being a parent is.

Did you read the article?

Yes. I wasn't responding to the article, though. I responding to the question posted in the title of the article.

Come on Stengah Conan is ALWAYS applicable!

JC wrote:

Come on Stengah Conan is ALWAYS applicable! :)

The spirit of Conan does embiggen the smallest man, but Miss Hoover is the one who first said "cromulent."

Crom laughs at your four winds. He laughs from his mountain.

Quintin_Stone wrote:

Crom laughs at your four winds. He laughs from his mountain.

I'd visit Crom's mountain if it weren't for this lousy Smarch weather.

DSGamer wrote:
SixteenBlue wrote:
DSGamer wrote:

Because it's an opportunity to talk about themselves? Parents like to talk about their kid first and their experience parenting second. Good and bad. If they're not tut-tutting you for not having kids and experiencing the joy they are they're telling other people how terrible being a parent is.

Did you read the article?

Yes. I wasn't responding to the article, though. I responding to the question posted in the title of the article.

I see it as just another thing that kind of puts a difference between myself and child-rearing people. I don't dissuade them from posting or whatever, but I really don't pay much attention to the complaints sent out into the electronic ether either, and just try to make small talk when they bring it up unless it becomes of a question of, so when are YOU going to sign up for all this misery? and they give me flak when I say, never if I can help it.

Stengah wrote:
JC wrote:

Come on Stengah Conan is ALWAYS applicable! :)

The spirit of Conan does embiggen the smallest man, but Miss Hoover is the one who first said "cromulent."

ahh I see. I stopped watching the Simpson's quite some time ago.

IMAGE(http://i.imgur.com/z9NqqR9.jpg)

That's something I found on the Internet, right? Not yours, a friend's, etc? I would love to send that to my wife.

NSMike wrote:

It's from reddit.

Sweet. Thanks.

...oh my god, I never considered that going in for my vasectomy was a good time for jokes! I will have to post my own picture later!

It's from reddit.

It should be fairly obvious that it's not mine.

Demosthenes wrote:

...oh my god, I never considered that going in for my vasectomy was a good time for jokes! I will have to post my own picture later! :D

IMAGE(http://1.media.todaysbigthing.cvcdn.com/60/34/ee9073fc50c7b0f472ded37f92b23807.gif)

IMAGE(http://a.asset.soup.io/asset/4912/3770_64a6.jpeg)

You know what's sweeter than the sound of a child's laughter? One's own smug self-assurance that other people's life choices are stupid and wrong.