Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Right now, the hardest thing about moving out besides how hard the kids have it at times and lingering residual guilt (yeah, I know…) turns out to be the loss of having a default person in life. I mean, the person I would be able to tell about a long, hard, disastrous day at work, or my time-waster guilt after an evening of nonsense (and so dumb) Tremor sequels (Is this what my life has come to?). Of course it’s not like I was talking to my wife much at all before I moved out—symptom of the larger issue—but I find I’m really just missing having someone. And now I have to remind myself of all the reasons I left, because it would be so easy to just go back. But it’s also impossible to go back because it would destroy my self respect to accept and return to how I’m treated in this relationship, and that’s a price I’m no longer willing to pay. So I guess it’s loneliness and aloneness and a few evenings sacrificed to the C-tier movie gods instead.

Antichulius wrote:

Right now, the hardest thing about moving out besides how hard the kids have it at times and lingering residual guilt (yeah, I know…) turns out to be the loss of having a default person in life. I mean, the person I would be able to tell about a long, hard, disastrous day at work, or my time-waster guilt after an evening of nonsense (and so dumb) Tremor sequels (Is this what my life has come to?). Of course it’s not like I was talking to my wife much at all before I moved out—symptom of the larger issue—but I find I’m really just missing having someone. And now I have to remind myself of all the reasons I left, because it would be so easy to just go back. But it’s also impossible to go back because it would destroy my self respect to accept and return to how I’m treated in this relationship, and that’s a price I’m no longer willing to pay. So I guess it’s loneliness and aloneness and a few evenings sacrificed to the C-tier movie gods instead.

Feel free to constantly talk in GWJ slack or GWJ discord when you need companionship. That's what a lot of us are doing!

And Bottle Rockets!

Losing a default person is tough. I lost that before me and the wife split, but I have experienced that recently with some other situations in my social circle. Aloneness isn't bad, but it can be daunting if you're not used to it!

So circling back to this thread cause I’ve been rocked by job loss and am taking stock of my life. On one hand, my wife is a lovely woman and I still love her. On the other, we have some serious differences ranging from politics to sexual interests. For example, I’ve realized that while I’m still fiscally center right I’m a social liberal while she’s still conservative across the board. We are having drag out fights about abortion.

Otherwise, we have a good enough marriage. Not perfect but good. But now that I’ve been let go of a “good enough” job, I realize this might be the best time to change everything in my life. Or is what I’m thinking a recipe for disaster since I don’t have a new job? If I’m not miserable just feeling stuck is it even worth leaving? I mean a lot of life is grind and making trade-offs, and I’m afraid I’m chasing a “perfect” life that doesn’t exist.

And I’m not going to kid myself that I’m in my late 40s, overweight and not one of the “top 20” percent of men who supposedly dominate the modern dating scene. (Aka the theory that the bottom 80 percent of guys don’t have a chance.) Half a loaf is better than no loaf.

Any rate, sorry if this comes across as ranting/emotional vomit. I’m hit hard by the layoff and am rethinking all my priorities.

This is the book that helped me finally figure out what was best in my situation. Maybe it can offer a bit of a guide to you as well.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Antichulius wrote:

This is the book that helped me finally figure out what was best in my situation. Maybe it can offer a bit of a guide to you as well.

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay

Thank you I will check it out!

I sympathize with your situation, jd. It's understandable to want to re-evaluate everything when a major setback occurs.

I'd recommend counseling before making any rash decisions. It will allow you to bring up your differences in a supportive environment and see if it's something you can work through.

jdzappa wrote:

Otherwise, we have a good enough marriage. Not perfect but good. But now that I’ve been let go of a “good enough” job, I realize this might be the best time to change everything in my life.

Counterpoint - is it possible that having had the kick in the nuts from the job, you're in a place of "ahf*ckit" with everything and that's coloring your view of your marriage? Like, I can see either being perfectly valid - that the job loss is the catalyst for re-evaluating everything, but equally, being a catalyst for a "burn it all to the f*cking ground" approach.

Either way, it's probably wise to let those thoughts percolate long enough to process the emotional shock and fallout of the job loss THEN you can re-address them without them being entirely colored by that experience.

jdzappa wrote:

And I’m not going to kid myself that I’m in my late 40s, overweight and not one of the “top 20” percent of men who supposedly dominate the modern dating scene. (Aka the theory that the bottom 80 percent of guys don’t have a chance.) Half a loaf is better than no loaf.

That, sir, is some incel-talking-point bullsh*t, and you would do well to kick that thought to the curb. It's so wrong on so many levels. There is no "top 20 percent" of men. At all, in any way. Even if there was (which again, there isn't), they wouldn't "dominate the modern dating scene", because, surprise of surprises - women aren't a monolithic group with a single unified concept of what they look for in a partner. Plenty of women would run in the other direction from whatever is this concept of an alpha male that you have.

I'd also be cautious of making life changing decisions during a pandemic. A lot of what you feel COULD be the result of or partially motivated by depression and hopelessness brought on by the pandemic.

There might also be a pinch of mid life crisis. I'm 51 and though I never really put much weight to looking back, I quite often find myself thinking about "what ifs?" and "where'd all the time go?" and "Jesus, that was ten years ago and it seems like yesterday!"

GWJ gets me good sometimes because it dawns on me that I have been posting since 2004ish. Every now and then when I do a search for something else, I come across something I wrote even 5 years ago and not recognize my own voice. I have to sit and think of the context before some spark of recognition happens.

jdzappa wrote:

So circling back to this thread cause I’ve been rocked by job loss and am taking stock of my life. On one hand, my wife is a lovely woman and I still love her. On the other, we have some serious differences ranging from politics to sexual interests. For example, I’ve realized that while I’m still fiscally center right I’m a social liberal while she’s still conservative across the board. We are having drag out fights about abortion.

Otherwise, we have a good enough marriage. Not perfect but good. But now that I’ve been let go of a “good enough” job, I realize this might be the best time to change everything in my life. Or is what I’m thinking a recipe for disaster since I don’t have a new job? If I’m not miserable just feeling stuck is it even worth leaving? I mean a lot of life is grind and making trade-offs, and I’m afraid I’m chasing a “perfect” life that doesn’t exist.

And I’m not going to kid myself that I’m in my late 40s, overweight and not one of the “top 20” percent of men who supposedly dominate the modern dating scene. (Aka the theory that the bottom 80 percent of guys don’t have a chance.) Half a loaf is better than no loaf.

Any rate, sorry if this comes across as ranting/emotional vomit. I’m hit hard by the layoff and am rethinking all my priorities.

Please do counseling of some sort before jettisoning your marriage.

Definitely get some time and breathing room following the job loss.

Thank you all for the great advice! I started the “Too Good to Leave” book and am finding it very helpful even if I haven’t made a decision yet.

I also realize I was probably getting more down on my chances than I should have, though in my defense I was reading some scientific studies of online dating vs trolling of incel forums. The Pareto principle is very much in effect on dating apps, though of course that’s not the only way to meet people.

jdzappa wrote:

We are having drag out fights about abortion.

Man, why would you to this to yourselves, unless she is in a position where the question is personal, it's something you two could both agree to disagree on and never mention again.

AcidCat wrote:
jdzappa wrote:

We are having drag out fights about abortion.

Man, why would you to this to yourselves, unless she is in a position where the question is personal, it's something you two could both agree to disagree on and never mention again.

Well she’s gotten far more involved with the local Catholic pro life organizations. So this is now beyond just opinion.

Sounds like she needs other hobbies. If only because of being exposed to hive mind or cultish environments.

And if it is really an interest in pro-life, then tell her that FL has 48K COVID infections and 2800 COVID deaths in the last week. There are much bigger fish to fry.

fangblackbone wrote:

Sounds like she needs other hobbies. If only because of being exposed to hive mind or cultish environments.

And if it is really an interest in pro-life, then tell her that FL has 48K COVID infections and 2800 COVID deaths in the last week. There are much bigger fish to fry.

I don't want to pick a fight here, but that seems overly simplistic. My in-laws are super catholic and pro life, so I know the challenges that creates when viewpoints are different. Must be very challenging when it is with your significant other. A good discussion about how to navigate that topic probably is in order.

I don't disagree with you. It just seemed to me like this was a recent development, not something life long.

Life isn't perfect. We're seeing so many shades of perfection on social media and culturally. I mean confirmation bias is a thing, right? And telling the world about your domestic troubles is hardly a normalised thing thus we're conditioned by seeing everyone in an apparent state of perpetual happiness.

I can't speak to the whole political identity thing that US folks tend to emphasise; generally speaking it's not a phenomenon to live and breathe your political ideation as a creed here (I'm not suggesting we don't have conservative or progressive ideologies). What I can say though is that I think calm communication is important as is mutual respect. If it goes to the core of your identity then instead of internalizing the anxiety perhaps it's best to set aside time to work through it directly with your partner without recourse to friends family or community. I know personally how unhealthy it is to bottle up discontent and to look outward from a relationship for solutions when the starting point should be yourself and your partner. Take the time of work through it.

Happiness is a weird concept. JD, you're ex-serviceman right? You're obviously concerned about your physical state. What about working on it one small step at a time? It could be by cooking and eating simpler food a few times a week and/or getting some physical activity into your daily routine; in any event it's good for health and mental wellness.

Something that helped my marriage a lot recently was my wife agreeing to take evening walks with me. We hadn't done it in our 11 years of marriage; it was something I wanted and once I expressed my thoughts it was something easily accommodated and enjoyed by her too. We also watched some kdrama together in spite of my preference for gaming as my recreation and her preconceived notions of the genre. To our mutual suprise we both enjoyed it.

This may sound corny but I feel that marriage is like a 4X. Lots of cool and fun things at the start but then you hit a rough patch and/or grind then you think about how fun starting a new playthrough would be instead of seeing it through to the end. But this ignores the reality that even in earlier and "better" times you still had to work hard for your happiness.

See how you go, JD. We're always here to listen.

Bfgp wrote:

marriage is like a 4X

That. Is amazing.

*removed*

It's probably been literally years since I've updated, but since I finally hit a milestone, thought I'd post. It's probably somewhat cathartic too, because I can't say I'm too pleased with how this is turning out. I just got the court decision, and I'm officially divorced now (unless someone appeals). While the judge did not approve my ex's request for me to pay him several tens of thousands of euros in "fine", I still have to pay him alimony, and the joint custody is being maintained despite my request to obtain full custody. And we have to see a mediator to "normalize relations between the parents". So that we can get along. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do that with a man who tried to kill me and has made every attempt to make my life miserable in the past ten years.

I don't ever want to read that the courts lean in favor of the mother ever again.

So sorry Eleima.

That stinks. Sorry, Eleima.