Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Hey, man, don't hesitate to start another thread. If it covers common ground with an existing one, they'll merge naturally, and if not, it'll be helpful for a separate set of folk.

This. The ultimate tragedy of grief is that it is meant to be shared but nobody wants to because the intensity of grief makes it seem a burden not worth sharing. We also get protective of grief, that no one shares our feelings when the exact opposite is the truth. Oddly grief is like a switch or a club. Once you experience it, you can hear it and feel it in others who've gone through it.

10 years ago I said, "I do." Tonight I sit alone at home.
10 years ago I was accompanied by who I thought was the love of my life. Tonight I'm accompanied by sadness.
10 years ago I watched my wife to be walk down the the path towards me. Today I watched my kids walk away from me as I dropped them off to her house for her turn with the kids.

Oh life, you funny thing you.

I guess it's just the milestone thing and the fact that it was 10 years ago today, but f*ck it feels sh*tty today. So tonight I play Diablo and listen to the saddest music I can find.

Good luck on this sh*tty day, BlackSabre. Give those demons hell, in-game or out

Sounds like a rough day, BlackSabre, I hope your solution works a million times better than it should!

BlackSabre, my heart goes out to you - anniversaries are always so hard. Enjoy the Diablo and the music, and I really hope it helps. Funny, Diablo 2 was the game that got me through a very, very hard time back when I was in college. It was totally unrelated to divorce, but hey, maybe Diablo just helps people get through some rough patches.

I wanted to mention to the thread that I have finally decided to start going to a therapist. First appointment is next week, and I'm looking forward to it. I waited for too long. I've been having sleep troubles (among other bodily issues) for months now and I finally went to see my regular doctor today to see if it's actually a physical problem I have to deal with or if it's psychological. Turns out he said it's pretty much surely psychological, all my symptoms can definitely be pinned on stress, so the therapy sessions are coming at a good time. Also a good time as well because as of yesterday I'm in another bad place with my ex. Maybe it's time I pulled out Diablo myself.

Thanks all. Never thought of killing demons in the metaphorical sense before, but yeah, I guess it does have a certain cathartic level about it.

D4m0, good to hear. They can be quite helpful to just vent to and also provide some alternative ways of thinking. As for Diablo, if the timezones match up, happy to jump through some rifts with you.

Unrelated.. but I've been hiding from the death of my nephew inside Fallout 4. It's been working fairly well.

Games sure are great, aren't they? Well, as long as we do deal with this stuff for reals after the game gets turned off. When I played that Diablo 2 back in the day it was due to a death in the family as well. It definitely helped.

I've come to realise that dealing with stuff is great and all, but distraction helps so damn much sometimes too. I figure it's my brains way of saying "I can't deal with this properly right now, so save it for later when I've got the energy to devote to it that it needs."

As long as you eventually process it, I think it's fine.

Fighting with payroll over the time I was off searching for my nephew when he went missing. I can't even. I screwed up on how I submitted the time off forms so I'm missing a day's pay.

That is some bullsh*t Dakuna! Like, just as a human with feelings, you would think someone in that payroll department would at least think to themselves, "hey this is a special circumstance and we should cut this guy some slack." I'm sorry, dude.

BlackSabre, you got that right. Sometimes you just have to do something that makes you feel good and puts you in a better mindset. Without that, everything would be so much harder.

Somehow the paperwork I send didn't make it three times....right.
A year and more later, not a step further. Don't even have my own place right now.
But future ex demands all my money, you know, put the kids first! Just leaves nothing for me.
Have done that for years now. Told her less money starting next year, getting my own place.
No divorce, nothing arranged anyway. And still sending plenty of money. Just being missmanaged like crazy.
Building up debts I haven't made, but will have to pay at least half off it....pretty f*cked up.

So hey! Am back from four and a half months deployment. That's why it has been pretty quiet from my side.

Sorry to hear Blacksabre! Give it time. When the brain starts going haywire, find distraction
Friends, booze, other ladies and games...they all do the trick

Wow Sparhawk, sounds like no fun at all. I've had to hit my ex up for some cash (she makes double what I make) and yes, it's because of mismanagement, but I also only took 50% of everything or less, and I waived any alimony, so I don't really feel bad about it.

Sparhawk, that sucks! I know exactly what you're going through - the money issue never goes away, or at least it sure hasn't for me. My only advice really is to get to a courthouse and get something official going. Then you'll have a number that is set in stone you can always point to, with the court behind you. I'm not sure where you live, but your state or government should have some kind of calculator worksheet to figure out the amount you should be paying (hopefully it's not actually more than you're currently putting out). It's at least a good starting point if nothing else.

I have to echo d4m0, Sparhawk. I ended up having to pay off over mid-six-figures in debt my ex got into while we were living apart but not officially separated. He got into a bunch of debt, and I ended up on the hook for it. It messed me up for most of the last 15 years.

Thanks guys. And yes, certainly going for the legal route to get something written in stone etc. To at least minimize the damage bottom line. The future ex says she is willing to get all the paperwork done etc...but will believe it when I see it. Thanks though for the warm feelings and sharing your stories as well

sounds rough Sparhawk. Hope it works out ok. And yes, distraction worked out well. Feeling better now and had a great couple of days with the kids which was nice.

I'm back!

I blew up at my ex, nothing major, just a few meanish text messages. Now she's blocked me from social media. I guess it was ultimately inevitable.

It really hurts though, and I'm having a really awful time right now. There's other things going on, and I'm in a pretty rough position on many fronts.

I know I still have many things to be grateful for, and I'm basically healthy, but it really feels like the hits keep coming, and I'm barely afloat . I don't feel like I have many options at the moment, so the desperation is really eating me up.

My ex has been a financial support when needed, so above and beyond the emotional hit, I don't know how I'm going to survive if she cuts me off that way too.

I may as well mention, although it's not directly related, my nephew (24) drowned in a hunting accident a few weeks back and I'm emotionally devastated over that too.

Glad you're back! But damn man, it sounds like you are going through quite a tough time. So sorry. Those must have been quite the text messages if she totally blocked you from all social media after that, but like you said, it was probably inevitable anyway. I don't totally remember your situation - was it that you've been separated for a long time but she didn't want to go through with all the work to do the divorce? Maybe things will finally start moving on that front and you can get some closure and maybe even some court-mandated support. (if I'm wrong about that I'm sorry!)

If you need any help at all I'm glad to assist in any way I can. Going through the stuff you're dealing with (or anyone dealing with a separation and divorce!) is always hard, and doing it alone makes that much more difficult.

Dakuna, is there anyone you can talk to from a therapy perspective? Seeing a psyche can help work through some stuff and give you other coping mechanisms to manage.

I really hope things turn around for you as it sounds like an incredibly tough spot to be in. I can vouch for distraction therapy when times get really rough, but ideally if you can talk to someone about this then it will help manage your way through.

No, the text messages weren't that bad. Yes, d4m0 you have hit it on the head. All in all, her blocking me isn't that big a deal, now that I have a little distance from it. I was having a rougher day than usual (even considering all the other stuff going on) but I think she really just used it as an excuse to please her new man.

I'll deal. For some reason, I feel remarkably better about things right now. There has been some good news on one or two other things that were weighing on me heavily, so there is some light at the end of the tunnel now Yes, I'm being super-vague, sorry!

I've been checking in on this thread from time to time, hesitant to post much here because my ex wife is aware that I frequent this site. As we were engaged in a bitter custody dispute, anything I might slip up and say here could have been twisted and used against me in court. I sympathize with everybody here going through the same ordeal, and while I was angry and frustrated about being falsely accused of various things leading up to the hearing, it looks like many folks here are experiencing far worse. So, while I was afraid to commiserate here, I was silently nodding or shaking my head along with you.

I've spent upwards of $30,000 defending myself since last September and fighting for my kids to stay here instead of moving out of state to live with the ex's boyfriend that she'd been cheating on me with for about a year. Colorado is a no-fault state, meaning when a couple decides to divorce it's assumed both parties are at fault, not just the adulterer.

The uncertainty has caused me many sleepless nights, more gray hair, and some dark circles under my eyes that I'm pretty sure are permanent, as many of you well know. She invented some abuse allegations by me against her and the kids, so I hired an investigator that interviewed me and the ex, as well as our kids at our respective homes. Also, after I filed for divorce, she suddenly started going to a therapist to deal with all the abuse I supposedly inflicted over the years, and the therapist opened a case with social services.

Because she kept inventing new types of abuse at each interview, my attorney performed a deposition with her to nail down her story of events for the record. During the deposition she kept conflicting her prior statements and generally did herself no favors. Long story short, the investigator found no basis for her allegations and strongly recommended the kids stay here with me if she decided to relocate. As a result of the report, she announced she wasn't going to leave the state either...and the abuse allegations magically disappeared. That made it pretty clear those accusations were mere posturing to give leverage for taking the kids with her out of state.

With the custody headaches resolved, we began fighting over finances which, frankly, was a lot less stressful than custody. Several weeks before the hearing, my attorney sent her 2 separate settlement offers in the attempt to head off an expensive trial. Both offers were rejected by her side as being too low, so we went to court this week. Fortunately, the judge saw through her deceptions and I am now paying $450/month less than our LOWEST settlement offer, an offer she had rejected.

I'm sorry for those here who are still going through the pain of the divorce process, and I sincerely hope your issues get resolved smoothly. As of this week I'm now a single man again, and it feels like a great weight has been lifted. It's a weird feeling, liberation.

Glad you made it through that, Running Man. Enjoy the new beginning!

Quite an ordeal, Running Man. Glad you made it through, and were able to keep the kids nearby.

It's hard to imagine dealing with false claims, especially felony abuse accusations, from one's former spouse. Yet we seem to hear about situations like these frequently. Are divorcees being led to believe (by attorneys, supportive friends or family) that this is the only way to achieve a "fair" settlement, or custody of the children? I just don't get it.

Thanks, I appreciate it. I'm not sure where she got those ideas, but it caused me quite a bit of anxiety over the last year.

I didn't do much research at the outset when hiring an attorney, and my first one worked as a solo practitioner. It seemed to me that I'd save some money at first, but I later learned using a firm specializing in family disputes that employs paralegals can be more cost effective in the long run, because much of the paperwork can be handled by them at a far cheaper hourly rate than an attorney. In addition, the opposing counsel became more cooperative and less demanding when I changed over to a moderate-sized law firm, so I suppose reputation counts in legal circles.

I guess if anybody has questions about other considerations when seeking an attorney I'd be glad to help, it was a real learning process for me.

Gosh, did I kill the thread?
Well, I went and joined an online matchmaking service and as a result went on an actual date tonight with a nice lady. I must have seemed nervous -out of practice, more likely- so she did most of the talking. It really felt good to have a grown up conversation with a pleasant person; the defense mechanisms I've built up over the years of a dysfunctional relationship are beginning to thaw a bit.

Good to hear you went on a date!

RunningMan, saw your post and yours sounds like that nightmare scenario that everyone going through this process dreads. I'm glad you've started to come out the other side, but really I hope you had people to lean on while you were going through it, as I'm sorry that you weren't in a position to talk about it here while you were actually going through it.

That's great that you had a date this weekend! For me, that feeling of realizing you can start to drop all the old defense mechanisms you didn't necessarily even realize you'd built up is a powerful thing. I remember feeling a huge sense of rediscovery in myself, like getting to reclaim a person I'd used to be but had forgotten existed. Expect setbacks and everything that comes from being out there again (good and bad), but find things to enjoy in all of it, because you're living again and that's a wonderful thing.

Wishing you the absolute best, and I'm so glad you got a fair custody arrangement after everything you went through getting to that point. Hoping this next brings you great things!

Running Man,
It's good to hear you shut down her meritless attempt to abscond with the children. A significant cash outlay under such circumstances, as you've opined, frequently comes with a deep toll on the psyche.

While not divorce related, as mine is already tidied up, I recently dealt with a situation in similar amount to yours (theft from a known party; pursuing charges would have eased the sense of betrayal but have been disastrous to her children). Anyways, I forfeited reimbursement from the bank to my savings and am pursuing direct collections from the individual over the course of the next year... but frankly, in my situation, that's akin to squeezing blood from the turnip now that the cash is up her nose.

Differing situation, however the timeliness of your communal story resonates; I suspect many of us, whether openly or internalized, grapple with post-divorce trust impact. The storms that come after, or in-hand with the divorce itself, can be tough to weather at times.

I hope the legal victory secures a measure of rest for your mind. As was authored once about the situation of the [unduly implicated] defendant, "The Process is the Punishment".