Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Dakuna, do you know if the Child Support Table is based on before or after taxes?

It is based on before taxes. Things like this are almost always based on your gross income in Canada.

Dakuna wrote:

It is based on before taxes. Things like this are almost always based on your gross income in Canada.

Thanks, good to know that it is the rule of thumb.

Sparhawk wrote:
Dakuna wrote:

It is based on before taxes. Things like this are almost always based on your gross income in Canada.

Thanks, good to know that it is the rule of thumb.

What is your take on custody? I am out and about lots being in the navy (helicopter sensor operator). Seems my future ex requires full custody. Thinking of medical emergencies, or is that too far fetched? I kinda like joined custody better. But not at the cost of my daughters of course.

Is it ok to ask these questions here?

Sparhawk wrote:
Sparhawk wrote:
Dakuna wrote:

It is based on before taxes. Things like this are almost always based on your gross income in Canada.

Thanks, good to know that it is the rule of thumb.

What is your take on custody? I am out and about lots being in the navy (helicopter sensor operator). Seems my future ex requires full custody. Thinking of medical emergencies, or is that too far fetched? I kinda like joined custody better. But not at the cost of my daughters of course.

Is it ok to ask these questions here?

It is but I would warn you I am by no means an expert.

Joint custody would be something I would try to hold onto. Giving up all claim to any custody is generally a bad idea, because then she can move your children anywhere she wants without informing you or getting your consent etc. Some kind of visitation would be a good thing to have as well, no? Even if it's only a couple weeks a year or something. I'm making assumptions that you want to make the effort, and are able, to be in your childrens' lives, I guess, but I'm basing my advice on how I would feel.

If you trust your ex 100% then it might be something you could give up for some other concession, but retaining some kind of say is crucial in my opinion. From what you've said before, I don't think you trust your ex 100%.

Dakuna wrote:
Sparhawk wrote:
Sparhawk wrote:
Dakuna wrote:

It is based on before taxes. Things like this are almost always based on your gross income in Canada.

Thanks, good to know that it is the rule of thumb.

What is your take on custody? I am out and about lots being in the navy (helicopter sensor operator). Seems my future ex requires full custody. Thinking of medical emergencies, or is that too far fetched? I kinda like joined custody better. But not at the cost of my daughters of course.

Is it ok to ask these questions here?

It is but I would warn you I am by no means an expert.

Joint custody would be something I would try to hold onto. Giving up all claim to any custody is generally a bad idea, because then she can move your children anywhere she wants without informing you or getting your consent etc. Some kind of visitation would be a good thing to have as well, no? Even if it's only a couple weeks a year or something. I'm making assumptions that you want to make the effort, and are able, to be in your childrens' lives, I guess, but I'm basing my advice on how I would feel.

If you trust your ex 100% then it might be something you could give up for some other concession, but retaining some kind of say is crucial in my opinion. From what you've said before, I don't think you trust your ex 100%.

I do want to retain as much as possible. A while ago she mentioned that in emergencies she must be able to decide by herself, when I am not reachable (which is hardly ever these days with internet, even when sailing).
So I think I'll go for shared custody then. Thanks Dakuna

Sure thing! Glad I can be of some use in here.. others have so much more insightful advice most of the time.

Well, the court date is set and everything seems to be in place. It will be in a couple weeks. My ex received the summons on Monday, and... that was it. She did not explode or send an angry rant or anything at all really. All she wrote to me was that the time needed to be changed. Yesterday I went back to the courthouse and put in a form to change the time, and the emails we sent back and forth to deal with that were totally normal and easy.

It's very unnerving and it's making me anxious. I haven't slept well at all the last couple nights, though I'm also constantly going through all possibilities for the court appearance in my head. I was expecting huge fallout from her, and there has been absolutely nothing. I don't know what to think or expect at this point. Is she just really confident in her side, like does she think the judge will accept her excuses for suddenly taking every weekend and the next week and a half? I mean, I'm glad I haven't received any of the usual vitriol from her, but at the same time, what on Earth is going on? It's unprecedented. I'm still expecting something, and I really can't let my guard down, but maybe I won't get anything from her? I don't know what to think. If I don't hear anything by this evening, I know I won't for the next week and a half, since she'll be mostly cutting herself (and my son) off for this holiday time. It's crazy town.

I'd be reacting the exact same way in that position--cycling through every possibility and how to deal with it. Is it possible she consulted with her own lawyer (she has one, right?) and perhaps was advised to not say anything further that might reflect poorly? That, to me, seems the most likely probability and, if it is, that's probably a good thing. It may mean, on some level, she knows (or has been advised) she's in the wrong on some of these issues and is worried about the consequences.

iirc in d4m0's situation, she was self-represented which could mean any number of things. Either way, you can't run your case and decision making on speculation; all you can do is present your arguments and evidence (and hope your version of events is more credible than the other version).

Sometimes people that change their life like that just...hmmm...don't think of the kids. My son and his wife split up a couple years ago (I posted about it in here). She initially had my grand daughter who was 5 at the time. After a couple of months with her where she could not get her stuff together, my grand daughter came to live with my son and he got primary court custody while they were seperated.

It has been two years. My grand daughter is an awesome kid, smart and fun to be around. My son's ex has only attempted to see her daughter a few times although she does talk to her on the phone. She even moved back up here to NC (about 90 minutes away) to be closer to her and in the 4 months she has been back in NC she has only seen her once and never had her stay for a weekend.

Some people just build a new life and move on and maybe your ex is doing the same.

Anything is possible but I think that is unlikely for the reason that the mother is making her strongest efforts to commit the child deeper into Jewish faith (a while back it was an attempt to transfer the child to a Jewish school, then the recent event in the temple and most recently attempting to take the child out of school to observe a religious holiday). Given d3m0 is not Jewish I suspect the mother will contest any move to have the child live with his father. All d3m0 can do is turn up and see what happens from there on. I am guessing she is going to argue she is now in a relationship with the new fellow (presumably a devoutly Jewish man) and he is going to turn up and assist her in the upcoming court appearance.

Thanks for the comments all. It is possible she has consulted with a lawyer (or someone, maybe the new fellow) who told her not to write anything more to me that I may be able to use in court. That seems to be the consensus among people around here that I talk to.

What we're all kind of hoping will happen is what karmajay said, but what I'm almost totally sure is going to happen is what Bfgp said. You're right that my ex has done everything she can, and continues to do everything, to force our son to be as religiously Jewish as possible. Also yes, new guy is devoutly Jewish. One thing I hadn't considered is him coming here to be in court with her. I'd be surprised, but I should certainly plan for it anyway.

My wife thinks she's going to show up with a lawyer. The only thing my ex asked after getting the summons, besides the stuff about changing the time, was whether I was going to show up with a lawyer. I told her I wasn't going to bring my lawyer with me, but now I'm not so sure. My lawyer, as luck would have it, will be in the courthouse that day anyway for other cases, so if I do need the help, I can get it. I am meeting with my lawyer before the court date so I can at least go over my notes and what things to say too.

My son is with my ex right now, in that guy's place, missing school, and will be until at least next Saturday, over a week from now. And I know he's hating every second of it.

d4m0... this sucks. I would definitely recommend having your lawyer there, dealing with her new man will be unsettling to you in ways it won't be for your lawyer. You're already emotional about the BS that's been going on. I realize that might put some more money in the equation, only you can decide if it's worth it that way.

d4m0- will your son be at the meeting? His views will hold weight in the conversation as he is old enough to think for himself.

He will not be there, but I'm planning on having him write what he thinks so I can bring that in and present it to the judge. His own words of course. He's now 13, so he's most likely old enough where his opinion will matter to the judge.

However, this court appointment is mostly just to get my days and times back to what they always were before, and to stop my ex from taking that extra time and keeping him out of school. It's not really to change the custody altogether, though if things keep going as they are, that one will happen before the end of the year.

The cost of having my lawyer in the courtroom with me is another thing unfortunately making me think twice about having her there. I'm already going to be paying a few hundred just for a meeting ahead of time. More hundreds depending on how long we are sitting in the courtroom is a tough one.

Very good idea. Hoping all goes well for you. You've presented things in a very realistic and mature way in your threads, so I have no doubt you will be able to articulate your rights and desires in a rational manner. I assume that will help in your proceedings.

Oh wow, d4m0, I am just so, so sorry. The amount of crap you're having to deal with, your son missing school... That's just... ugh, I'm at a loss for words. I know exactly what you mean about expecting a big reaction, and being an utter and complete nervous wreck when your ex doesn't explode as you would expect them to. It's like the calm before the storm, you know something's coming, but you don't know what. You're waiting for the other shoe to drop. Be sure to tell us when the court date comes around in a couple of weeks, so we can send good vibes your way. I'm glad your lawyer will be nearby, but in all likelihood, as Tundra has put it so well, you've shown yourself time and again to be a reasonable, decent person. I'm certain that the judge will see that. I was amazed at how perceptive, astute mine was. Fingers crossed, hang in there.

Hey all, well, the court date is today. I would be more nervous right now, but severe lack of sleep from a racing mind and being super busy doing actually fun stuff over the weekend has me so tired that I'm not sure my body is capable of much other than zombification. By the time I'm at the courthouse I'll be way more anxious no doubt. I have all my notes and documents printed, and I guess I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

Some things have changed in the last couple weeks, the largest being that my ex and the guy that lives two hours away have broken up. So that whole thing is no longer an issue. I don't know if it had to do with me doing all this or not. She also relented about at least a couple days last week, so my son did not miss six days of school - he still missed four though. I just hope the judge doesn't basically say, alright it seems like all this has been figured out, why are you here?

Best of luck to you d4m0. Stay the course and present things like you have to us here. You've been amazingly rational in a very irrational situation. I've got to believe that has some benefit to the situation.

Doesn't it seem convenient for them to break up right before the court date? Maybe even *too* convenient...

(Or maybe I've just read too many legal thrillers.)

Oh wow, what a rollercoaster, d4m0. I definitely don’t think the judge will react that way, but I know how our brains can just start imagining anything and everything. There’s a lot more going on, and you’ve got grounds to be there, so just breathe. We’re rooting for you!

There may be temptation for a judge to do nothing if the situation has come to a head; judges also need to use their finite time to address the most serious cases first. That said, in d4m0's situation, it would be remiss of the judge not to at least sternly caution the mother against any further breaches of the court's previous orders. The problem however is such warnings are frequently paid little heed over the passage of time and history will tend to repeat itself. I hope d4m0 was granted some relief by the court.

For my part, I am dreading my one problematic parenting case where nothing has significantly changed in the span of 3 months. We are back in court in two weeks and I have the misfortune of informing the judge that the mother refuses agree to fundamentally basic issues like permitting the child's father speak to the child on birthdays holidays and other special occasions. This case is about 50% done and it remains impossible to deal with the mother or her lawyer; this is a parent that refuses to attend counselling ordered by the judge, which gives you an idea of how little can be done in such cases where one party acts in defiance of the law.

Well, it sure didn't go as I had pictured it, though I did leave after it was over with the exact feeling I was expecting to have. In the end we didn't even go into the courtroom to be in front of a judge at all. Before we went in, we were called to this person's office, where we sat down and she said, since neither of you have lawyers, I'm bringing you in to go over everything and make sure things are all set. And to see if we still need to actually go in front of the judge.

I went over again, with my ex sitting there as well, to this court administrator person why I had filed for contempt in the first place, and then of course had to say that most of it no longer applied since everything had changed in the last week due to the break-up (bekkilyn, I've been wondering!). The court person said alright, it seems like you guys have figured this out on your own, what do you think?

My ex launched into a list of things that she thinks should be changed about the agreement, from time adjustments to adding holidays to child support increases. How she's constantly struggling and has no help, how everything I've done has been detrimental to our lives, how I'm not working with her any more or compromising in any way. I stayed quiet, which was difficult. My ex was just wasting this person's time.

The court person at one point just said we can't do anything about any of that now, regardless of whether we go into the courtroom or not. This appearance is only about the contempt charge, and nothing else can be discussed. She said that it was extremely unlikely that the judge would put down a contempt charge on my ex, especially since most of the things on it are all set at this point. Even if the judge agreed to the contempt, they wouldn't have been able to do much other than give her a $50 charge or something along those lines. Nothing in the agreement would have changed.

Then the court person said what you guys should do is just figure out the changes between yourselves, like via email, and then file a joint motion to adjust the agreement (it does need adjusting, as a whole bunch of things are now different than they were 8 years ago when the thing was originally written). My ex wanted the whole thing done right then and there since we were already sitting in the courthouse, but I refused.

So in the end I agreed to just drop the contempt charges since it wouldn't have accomplished anything anyway. And what I wanted to happen, getting the schedule back to what it was and to not have to do a 2-hour drive all the time, happened anyway. The problem now is that there is no way my ex will compromise on other things she is doing, and trying to send emails back and forth with her to make changes to the divorce agreement are going to be useless. The contempt charge wouldn't have changed any of that anyway. I just feel like it was a huge waste of time. So much lost sleep and anxiety. I just wanted my ex to be held responsible for once in her life, and that didn't happen, and probably never will. It's so unfair and unsatisfying, which is exactly how I thought I would feel at the end of all this. It's possible that all this contributed to her and her boyfriend breaking up, so in that sense it was worth it. I have no idea either way though. Sorry about the super long post.

d4m0, no worries about long posts, these issues are hard to capture in a few lines. And even now I am sure it didn't cover everything yet.
It sucks it went that way. I see why it feels like wasted time. Time will tell if it really was. For now it seems to be damage control and to make sure you get what you need. Make sure you have some good and positive distractions in your life. It isn't all this, there is more to it, and later on nothing of that anymore.

d4m0 wrote:

I just wanted my ex to be held responsible for once in her life, and that didn't happen, and probably never will. It's so unfair and unsatisfying, which is exactly how I thought I would feel at the end of all this. It's possible that all this contributed to her and her boyfriend breaking up, so in that sense it was worth it. I have no idea either way though.

I think that was her entire reason for the last minute changes of heart she had. She knew that it would go poorly for her in court so she did whatever immediate things she could to make it seem like she was behaving. At this point all you can do is keep a record of it to establish a pattern of her causing a problem, then relenting just before the court date.

Stengah wrote:
d4m0 wrote:

I just wanted my ex to be held responsible for once in her life, and that didn't happen, and probably never will. It's so unfair and unsatisfying, which is exactly how I thought I would feel at the end of all this. It's possible that all this contributed to her and her boyfriend breaking up, so in that sense it was worth it. I have no idea either way though.

I think that was her entire reason for the last minute changes of heart she had. She knew that it would go poorly for her in court so she did whatever immediate things she could to make it seem like she was behaving. At this point all you can do is keep a record of it to establish a pattern of her causing a problem, then relenting just before the court date.

Agreed. Part of me was wondering if she actually broke up with the guy, or just lied about it to avoid the judge. If you find she is back together with him I'd immediately file for contempt again and provide proof she lied. If the break-up is sincere I'd say the court filing definitely was a factor.

Sorry you have to go through this, d4m0. I try to put myself in someone's shoes and see it from their point of view. Everyone is the hero of their own story. But when emotion and, in this case, ideology, trump reason, it's hard to sympathize.

There's a good chance her now-ex-boyfriend saw how crazy she was as a result of the contempt charge and her reactions and actions taken. Probably that's a good thing on all sides!

Thanks you guys! I'm feeling way better today, and every day that goes past this. I would definitely bring her right back if she ended up still actually being with this guy. It seems like it's really over at this point, but who knows.

Dakuna wrote:

There's a good chance her now-ex-boyfriend saw how crazy she was as a result of the contempt charge and her reactions and actions taken. Probably that's a good thing on all sides!

This is something my son actually said. It could be that this guy saw all the stuff that was happening and was like I gotta get out of this right now. My kid is just glad that all of that is over, regardless of what caused it, and if this court stuff contributed to it, than that's great.

Sparhawk wrote:

Make sure you have some good and positive distractions in your life. It isn't all this, there is more to it, and later on nothing of that anymore.

The weekend before I filed the contempt charge I picked up Divinity Original Sin 2 and it's been such an amazing distraction. It's like they knew when I would need it and released the game just in time!

Wow, d4m0, just wow. I'm glad things went the way they did, even if you didn't see the judge. What you describe kinda gives me the vibe I had when I was with the ex at the police department back in September, with TFEH just rattling on and on. You definitely have the higher ground here, and you're doing what's right for you and for your son, as best you can, never forget that, and keep doing what you're doing. Glad you're enjoying. D:OS2 You deserve some RnR.

On my end, well, guess what? TFEH sent me a letter asking for money and threatening to seize the court if I don't pay up. I did mention that he'd seized my savings in the joint account, right? Right? So yeah. I've prepped a response to have my lawyer go over, but this is just more aggravation than I needed. Plus the entire week has been incredibly difficult with everything that's been going on, celebrities coming forward, and every Joan, Diane and Sally I know on social networks coming forward with #MeToo (and yes, me too). And the kids have been really difficult, meltdown after meltdown. I can handle one kid having a meltdown, but both on Wednesday morning had us running incredibly late at school and me in a puddle of tears in the living room.
But I'll get through it. One day at a time.