Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Quintin_Stone wrote:

Seattle is too expensive.

Cost of living here is the same as where you are, when you factor in the I-live-in-NC tax. That kind of cancels out our mountains-and-water fee.

You hush, you're supposed to remain Neutral.

And then a lot of nothing until King City...

LOL. The funny thing is people complain about the drive to LA on the 5 being empty and boring. I am pretty sure that stretch is longer than anything I have come across on the 5.

Eh.

/shrug

Incremental progress. After several days without seeing her at all, she finally came to talk some logistics over. She gave over her key to my car, we hashed out some banking details, and I confirmed that my immigration status will be renewed, allowing me to stay in Canada through August 2015. My lease on my amazing house goes through April 2015, so I won't have to rush into a big decision right away. She already got herself removed from the lease effective July — it'll be nice to have her out of my hair, but I'm going to have to eat a huge rent increase unless I get a replacement housemate soon.

Seems like dividing up property won't be too bad either; we have a lot of stuff whose ownership is pretty clear (either by virtue of owning it before the marriage or by virtue of exclusive usage). There will be some contention over the wedding gifts, since it was mostly nice kitchen stuff, but I think it'll get sorted out reasonably. It'll cost me a little bit, but I'm keeping the nice king bed too.

Parents have been very supportive, boss has been supportive, friends in town and people who used to be close friends before I moved have been supportive. I wrote a 2000-word email to my four close guy friends and told them all the crap that had gone down in the last three years which I had been keeping from them because they were all getting engaged/married and I didn't want to rain on their parade (and probably out of a subconscious sense of pride too). All in all, I'm feeling pretty confident and relieved. Given my past struggles with depression and low self-esteem, that's a huge win for me.

Cyranix wrote:

Incremental progress. After several days without seeing her at all, she finally came to talk some logistics over. She gave over her key to my car, we hashed out some banking details, and I confirmed that my immigration status will be renewed, allowing me to stay in Canada through August 2015. My lease on my amazing house goes through April 2015, so I won't have to rush into a big decision right away. She already got herself removed from the lease effective July — it'll be nice to have her out of my hair, but I'm going to have to eat a huge rent increase unless I get a replacement housemate soon.

Seems like dividing up property won't be too bad either; we have a lot of stuff whose ownership is pretty clear (either by virtue of owning it before the marriage or by virtue of exclusive usage). There will be some contention over the wedding gifts, since it was mostly nice kitchen stuff, but I think it'll get sorted out reasonably. It'll cost me a little bit, but I'm keeping the nice king bed too.

Parents have been very supportive, boss has been supportive, friends in town and people who used to be close friends before I moved have been supportive. I wrote a 2000-word email to my four close guy friends and told them all the crap that had gone down in the last three years which I had been keeping from them because they were all getting engaged/married and I didn't want to rain on their parade (and probably out of a subconscious sense of pride too). All in all, I'm feeling pretty confident and relieved. Given my past struggles with depression and low self-esteem, that's a huge win for me.

{hugs}

Good luck with everything. If you need to vent we are hear to listen.
I think keeping us updated should be a healthy thing that forces you to keep moving forward when you may want to retreat. Obviously allow yourself to have those days.

I can only imagine how difficult it will be when you encounter things that the two of you shared, liked or hated together. The key must be to find a middle ground between letting them hold you back and ignoring them or denying them.

boogle wrote:

{hugs}

+1

I can only imagine how difficult it will be when you encounter things that the two of you shared, liked or hated together. The key must be to find a middle ground between letting them hold you back and ignoring them or denying them.

Haven't listened to the Beatles since the divorce.

Demosthenes wrote:
I can only imagine how difficult it will be when you encounter things that the two of you shared, liked or hated together. The key must be to find a middle ground between letting them hold you back and ignoring them or denying them.

Haven't listened to the Beatles since the divorce. :(

The wife lost her favorite Radiohead song for a while after a breakup. Good news is, she got it back eventually.

Mid-month update: almost done with the tough stuff.

Dr. T (wife) came by yesterday to pack up some of her crap, and it was a very shouty and stompy time on her part because she can't handle stress well at all. Not fun. This evening, after several more moderate emails — which included a somewhat forced apology from her, not that I value her apologies whatsoever — she came by with a friend to figure out how to divide the last of the shared possessions. I was expecting another blow-up since we have a fair amount of nice kitchen stuff, but she just wanted to name a few key items and get cash value for the remainder. Overall, a fairly satisfactory deal.

I have to go out of town next week, which is when she'll move her things out. It gives me the heebie jeebies to have her in the house while I'm away, but she is on the lease for this month so there's nothing I can do about it. Just gotta keep an eye out for any damage, maybe find someone to be my eyes as she removes any property (for peace of mind), and hope that she's vaguely respectful towards the other people in the house.

Still doing a decent job of being social, though some of the alone time at night is a bit rough. A few people have suggested that I could rent a furnished apartment in Vegas for a few weeks or months, spend more time with coworkers in and out of the office... but I'd probably miss my cat and there's only so much Vegas that I can take. It's looking more likely that I'll take a trip down the west coast at the close of summer and save up for a trip to Japan as a way to transition out of Victoria and back into the States next summer.

Take pictures of every room. Film it if you can as well. When you get back, film as you enter the apartment if you can.

Overkill?? Maybe.

Better safe than sorry.

I can say, thinking back on my own divorce... my ex-wife was... REALLY trusting me. Literally she told me Thursday... spent all night Friday after work out with her friends and stayed at her friend's place. Came back Saturday morning while I was packing and helped a little (helping me sort out the movies and books)... then went out for the afternoon/evening with her friends and stayed gone all night again. She helped me start loading stuff into my car Sunday and helped move some of the bigger stuff into the uHaul... but I was seriously alone in that house other than her grandmother (who couldn't come upstairs anyway). This was not my house, it was her grandmother's. She was really taking a lot on faith there, I guess. I didn't do anything, I never would have (there's a reason why even though the house is in my ex-wife's name and was just before we got married, I left it alone, even though it would have been a pretty big help on making student loans disappear)... but there was plenty of her stuff I COULD have packed up with my own without her being any the wiser. Plenty of jewelry I could have snagged (I actually gave her my wedding ring back, as it was actually her grandfather's and didn't feel right keeping that), but left it all alone. Just wanted my stuff and my share of the shared stuff and then got out as soon as I could with packing it myself (as I really didn't trust her pack it up).

It comes to mind, I wonder if she expected me to go home immediately and come back for my stuff later. I didn't. I wasn't leaving till I had my stuff, and you better believe, the most expensive stuff was the first in the car (TV, PS3, computer, games, gear, etc...), followed immediately by my most sentimental non-her stuff. The only expensive thing that was left behind during the first trip while I went to get the uHaul was the bed, and that's because that wouldn't fit in my hatchback (and I didn't want to potentially achieve flight tying it to the roof of the wagon.

Either way, Cyr, I hope things get better. I can say I kind of wish she hadn't been there when I had moved out, so it may be something of a blessing (provided she doesn't do anything particularly wrong) that you're not there for that. Walking out for the last time was a very confusing, disconcerting and uncomfortable affair where she was crying like crazy in spite of being the one that initiated the whole thing. And, my mom being a lot like me, she wanted to know what the hell was going on and why I was dry eyed and my ex was bawling so frequently. Took some explaining to her that I just wasn't able to open up in front of her after she implied our marriage wasn't worth working on in spite of the problems being identified a few nights prior was the first I'd heard of them. Heh, I actually cried more with her grandmother while she was gone those nights than I probably had around my ex-wife in the year of our marriage. Though certainly nowhere near as much as that night when I found out and finally got a hold of my mom (who was about ready, by the time I finished my first or second sentence, to jump in the car and pick me up).

Hang in there, Cyr. It certainly sucks, and while I'm not in your shoes and don't really know your situation. I feel for you and hope things get better for you. *heterosexual man hugs of manliness*

Cyranix wrote:

Mid-month update: almost done with the tough stuff.

As someone who has experienced something similar, I just wanted to say that there is more tough stuff ahead. Don't be discouraged by this though, as for me, it was a renaissance. I learned so much about myself; who I was, what I needed, and what I wanted to become. It took a good while and several beers to explore, but I came out the other end a much better person. I have found a partner that is my perfect compliment and we have tundra version 2.0a with a 2.0b on the way.

I don't know what your current state of trust is with her at the moment (I assume it would be quite low if you are experiencing anything like I did) but the suggestion of documenting your valuables is a good idea. You can't control others actions and in times of stress, people do weird things. A quick list of your valuables is important and video of said items is a good thing. I hope you don't have to use the documentation.

Good luck cyranix. I wish you well in your situation. The cliche of "it gets better with time" sounds like a bunch of bs, but it is true.

You don't know me from adam... but if you ever need to bounce something off me for perspective, I am just a few computer clicks away.

Phase 1. Split up.
Phase 2. Hate sex.
Phase 3. Move to the beach.

We seem to be stuck in Phase 1 still...

*Legion* wrote:

Phase 1. Split up.
Phase 2. Hate sex.
Phase 3. Move to the beach.

We seem to be stuck in Phase 1 still...

Heh, I'm not much of one for sex outside of an emotionally committed relationship (which means I'm basically not having any at all... which sucks. I hate my celibacy, but recognize it's just part of life right now to deal with.). As for Phase 3, the ocean stole my glasses, thus I hate the beach now. I now fight against global warming because I don't want the ocean to get bigger and more powerful.

So, went on a few dates with an incredibly smart, funny, and enjoyable lady.

I had to cut it off, and I'm now looking for psychiatrists in the area. Last night, I had a full blown panic attack after we spent most of the day together. All those feelings of fear of loneliness, of being betrayed again, etc... all came rushing back to me. For a while, I was having trouble breathing, and while I've never had a migraine, my headache had to have been pretty close as it was making the room spin around me when I was trying to lay down and had me feeling like I was going to puke.

Guessing I pulled an Icarus and flew a little too close to the sun and now I'm crashing back down. -_- Divorce sucks.

I'm sorry to hear that, Demo. I guess it was too much too soon? I really hope things work out. Seeking out professional help is not a bad idea, even if it's just for a few sessions.

Everything seems to have gone smoothly enough when Dr. T moved her belongings out... largely because she didn't attempt to move the big pieces from the third floor that could have caused some damage. More for me to Craigslist, I guess. It was only slightly nerve-wracking to be out of town for the event; overall, I'm still seeing a lot of positives and opportunities. Hosting a party last night and realizing that I no longer had enough cutlery or bowls was a bit awkward, but incidents like those are few in number and remedied easily enough.

Definitely need to focus on getting through the next two weeks — lots of traveling, work, social events (including the wedding of one of my best friends), goodbyes, and of course wrapping up some logistical aspects of the separation.

Demos, good call on seeking help. I have struggled with major depression twice, so one of the first things I did after the divorce decision was to set up monthly sessions with my therapist as a preventative measure.

Just ducking in as someone who got a divorce way back when - therapy is a good idea, short or long term as you feel you need it. My own experience with psychiatrists vs. psychologists is that many of the former aren't as well trained or as interested in talk therapy as psychologists, so that may be something to factor into your decision. This is a hard transition.

I'm really kind of sick of my brain at this point. Last night was supposed to be a good night of rest. Laid down with the intention of getting 8 hours. 3 times I woke up from the same dream where I was talking with my ex-wife and she was telling me that I didn't show her that I loved her and just bought her things to "prove" my love. Woke up with those words from her still ringing in my head.

My ex-wife never said anything of the sort, I've never thought that in my life, and I know that's not the cause. Beyond that, I know that my dreams are simply random firings in my brain that are entirely meaningless, which is why the night before I was living the same life in Thayd in Wildstar while being an expert Outfitter making armor for Medics and Stalkers (and I was a badass looking Mordesh, though not MY Mordesh from the game).

But it still is kind of under my skin this morning and really all I want is to find someone who will give me a big hug and just squeeze the hell out of me for a minute or two. Bleh.

I'm not sure these go away, Demo, but your reaction to them should fade. I have many weird dreams I don't think of as nightmares that others might, but one recurring theme I get now and then, is me back in the U.S. with my ex-wife looking for a place. These are nightmares. Or my ex-wife getting custody of one of my children (we had no children together). Or that we *did* have children and I can't see them.

I don't know why our brains like to do this, but I imagine it has something to do with the whole "hate is being angry at other people, depression is anger at yourself." It's a fun form of self-punishment for some part of our sadistic brains.

Waking up and trying to rationalize it and compare it to your life...sounds like a form of helping enable the sadism. Much healthier to tell the dream, and that part of your brain, to f*ck the hell off. Seriously.

(and yeah, I really wish my head would stop giving me these dreams every couple months. It's been 9 years.)

I still have dreams about my ex as well - dreams in which he says all the right things (thing he never said when we were together), but I know that the things he says are lies. Or dreams where I walk away from everything good I have now to be with him again, and he tells me he was only kidding - he doesn't want me and never did.

I deal with them better than I used to, but they still hurt a little, and they still suck.

I have no real idea why our minds do this. Sometimes I think my brain needs a kick in the butt.

(((hugs))) Demos, so very many hugs.

Demosthenes wrote:

So, went on a few dates with an incredibly smart, funny, and enjoyable lady.

I had to cut it off, and I'm now looking for psychiatrists in the area. Last night, I had a full blown panic attack after we spent most of the day together. All those feelings of fear of loneliness, of being betrayed again, etc... all came rushing back to me. For a while, I was having trouble breathing, and while I've never had a migraine, my headache had to have been pretty close as it was making the room spin around me when I was trying to lay down and had me feeling like I was going to puke.

Guessing I pulled an Icarus and flew a little too close to the sun and now I'm crashing back down. -_- Divorce sucks.

If it makes you feel any better (or at least any less alone about it), I went through the same problem (panic attacks related to dating/relationships) for a couple years after my "divorce". I even had one early on with my current partner, but she was immensely patient with me and was willing to let me have a little space and talk through it. I expressed my doubts about whether I was ready for a relationship, and she encouraged me to just take it slow with her and try not to put so much pressure on myself.

One year later, we're living together, she and her daughter are definitely my family, and I can't imagine it elsewise.

It may be only a year or two for you, or it may be longer, but you'll overcome this, Demos.

Mimble wrote:

I still have dreams about my ex as well

Yeah, this too, I still occasionally have nightmares involving my ex, or dreams where things worked out right instead of wrong. I think it's only human nature to deal with regrets on unfortunate experiences in our lives.

I wrote a super long post but there's just too much for me to break down concisely here. I am dumping a bunch of stuff just to dump it. This could probably just as easily go in the depression thread.

Short of it is, we're breaking up on good terms, living together for the forseeable future until she figures out a way to buy the house, neither of us can afford a lawyer but we're friendly right now so I don't know what else to do, all I care about is the best for my son and I believe she does as well so I am hopeful. I don't know what else to do given money cannot stretch to what I need for a lawyer. She is a stay at home mom and thinks she's got a plan to start working and get the house so I am hopeful.

The biggest issue for me, is I am a truck driver working 60-70 hours a week Mon-Fri, during the week I'm coming home and putting my almost-two son to bed before crashing myself, weekends are spent with my son. I have a lot of time to think. Too much time to think. I have no support network locally besides a sister just out of HS working full time and going to school. I talk to some friends over the course of the day but a lot of the time I can't find the motivation for that even. There's some other things going on with me that make me think I really need to see a counselor and start talking, fighting this depression... but then it comes back to being the sole income in the house, divorcing any time, holidays coming up and need to make sure the bills all get paid with all the time off... just making sure I keep my ducks lined up.

I know I'm doing what's right. I am cleaning up the mess I made. I am doing what I need to do in order to be happy with myself and my life in the long term, to be who I want to be, to be the father I want to be to my son. I came to recognize there would be no right time to do this.

But it is very hard to be alone during the day. Alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I can keep myself up and going on momentum, making plans for what I'll do at home, what I need to do with my next paycheck, music, podcasts, etc, there's different things, but other times... it is unpleasant. There are times I'm just focusing on making it minute to minute, hour to hour, until I'm home and with my son.

I didn't cover everything, I doubt I covered what I did cover enough, but I just wanted to post. Get this much off of me at least.

Divorce is about the hardest thing I've been through, even though it was the right decision. I'm glad you posted. Keep in touch with what is going on with you.

General Crespin wrote:

There's some other things going on with me that make me think I really need to see a counselor and start talking, fighting this depression...

Great self-awareness, and I wholeheartedly endorse taking the time to make sure you're in the best headspace possible, especially during a time that's going to have plenty of upheaval and additional challenges.

In terms of local(ish) support, I know there are some Goodjers in Michigan, many of whom are great people. Are any of them close enough that you could get together? If you ever need to a friendly ear or shoulder, ping me in IRC or send a PM - I struggled with some major depression around age 13, and know it can feel overwhelming and lonely when you're in the thick of it.

(((hugs)))

Also hugs. If you're ever nearby, I'd be happy to buy you a beverage of your choice and give you an IRL hug.

Aw crispy I'm sending big hugs to you and your little guy. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.