Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Took me about a year to get out of my divorce funk.. but then I had a really good time meeting people again..going out on dates.. just takes some time...before long it will be a distant memory.. especially since you are still young.

You don't have kids right? Thank your sweet deity of choice and turn that frown upside down. Coming from a 15 year veteran - trust me - it's going to get way, way, way better. You just won't be able to see that right now. For real.

The best thing you can do is start to make yourself feel better - do a bunch of things you've always wanted to but never had the chance, work on yourself a bit, whether that's going back to school, working out, and just enjoy time with your friends and family.

Good luck man, it happens to at least 50% of us!

TheGameguru wrote:

I met a ton of great new people including my better wife (I never call her my second wife..seems like that isnt worthy enough) as well as got a great educational and work experience.

I really like that, the "better wife". My wife now is what I wish my first was, so I could have skipped all that lame drama. And believe me when I say, in a few years that person will be more like "someone you used to know", because time heals, and all that jazz.

The starter marriage. The practice marriage. Later on, you'll think of it mostly in those terms.

clover wrote:

The starter marriage. The practice marriage. Later on, you'll think of it mostly in those terms.

I really hate those terms, but am starting to believe they may have applied here.

You can avoid thinking in those terms if you look at each situation as a chance to learn something, whatever the outcome. If you are indeed taking lessons from said situations, it's only normal to cope better in future, analogous situation.

That's the benefit of repetition and iteration, I think. As long as there's something learnt.

oMonarca wrote:

You can avoid thinking in those terms if you look at each situation as a chance to learn something, whatever the outcome. If you are indeed taking lessons from said situations, it's only normal to cope better in future, analogous situation.

That's the benefit of repetition and iteration, I think. As long as there's something learnt.

+1000

Demosthenes wrote:
clover wrote:

The starter marriage. The practice marriage. Later on, you'll think of it mostly in those terms.

I really hate those terms, but am starting to believe they may have applied here.

I scoffed at the term too until I realized that the relationship immediately prior to my first (and current) marriage was totally a starter marriage, just without the paperwork of getting married.

Jonman wrote:
Demosthenes wrote:
clover wrote:

The starter marriage. The practice marriage. Later on, you'll think of it mostly in those terms.

I really hate those terms, but am starting to believe they may have applied here.

I scoffed at the term too until I realized that the relationship immediately prior to my first (and current) marriage was totally a starter marriage, just without the paperwork of getting married.

I think I dislike the idea that someone would go into a marriage with the idea of it being a starter marriage. Having a starter marriage isn't so much a bad thing if that's how things turned out. It's how it turned out for me, but when I was getting married, I had every intention of being with that woman until the day I died. Having a starter marriage with the idea that you don't plan on staying married to someone is what repels me about the term.

Demosthenes wrote:
Jonman wrote:
Demosthenes wrote:
clover wrote:

The starter marriage. The practice marriage. Later on, you'll think of it mostly in those terms.

I really hate those terms, but am starting to believe they may have applied here.

I scoffed at the term too until I realized that the relationship immediately prior to my first (and current) marriage was totally a starter marriage, just without the paperwork of getting married.

I think I dislike the idea that someone would go into a marriage with the idea of it being a starter marriage. Having a starter marriage isn't so much a bad thing if that's how things turned out. It's how it turned out for me, but when I was getting married, I had every intention of being with that woman until the day I died. Having a starter marriage with the idea that you don't plan on staying married to someone is what repels me about the term.

I don't think most people go into it with the idea that it's a starter marriage... it's the conclusion one comes to after the fact.

The phrase grew on me mostly because some people talk about what a mistake their first marriage was. I don't think mine was a mistake at all, but it wasn't a mistake to split up, either.

clover wrote:
Demosthenes wrote:

I think I dislike the idea that someone would go into a marriage with the idea of it being a starter marriage. Having a starter marriage isn't so much a bad thing if that's how things turned out. It's how it turned out for me, but when I was getting married, I had every intention of being with that woman until the day I died. Having a starter marriage with the idea that you don't plan on staying married to someone is what repels me about the term.

I don't think most people go into it with the idea that it's a starter marriage... it's the conclusion one comes to after the fact.

The phrase grew on me mostly because some people talk about what a mistake their first marriage was. I don't think mine was a mistake at all, but it wasn't a mistake to split up, either.

clover nails it.

Some relationships stand the test of time, some don't. And largely, there's no way to predict ahead of time which are which, right? Hence the "2/3 of marriages end in divorce" statistic that is bandied about. The corollary that clover alludes to is that 0/3 marriages start out in divorce.

In my case, when I apply the cold, hard light of hindsight to my "starter relationship", it was absolutely the experience that informed the early success of my current relationship. The mistakes I and my partner made were serious learning experiences that really informed what kind of a person I was looking for for my next relationship, as well as the way I conducted myself in that relationship.

Demosthenes wrote:
Jonman wrote:
Demosthenes wrote:
clover wrote:

The starter marriage. The practice marriage. Later on, you'll think of it mostly in those terms.

I really hate those terms, but am starting to believe they may have applied here.

I scoffed at the term too until I realized that the relationship immediately prior to my first (and current) marriage was totally a starter marriage, just without the paperwork of getting married.

I think I dislike the idea that someone would go into a marriage with the idea of it being a starter marriage. Having a starter marriage isn't so much a bad thing if that's how things turned out. It's how it turned out for me, but when I was getting married, I had every intention of being with that woman until the day I died. Having a starter marriage with the idea that you don't plan on staying married to someone is what repels me about the term.

I thought the very same thing as you. Every intent to "as long as you both shall live". Didn't work out that way for me, but the whole process made me look at who I was and what I wanted. I am a much more complete person and know what I want, which led me to the "better wife" and now an 11 month old daughter. My suggestion is take your time and learn about you... finding the better wife will happen when it happens. Not an easy thing to go through and it is quite new for you right now. Give yourself some time to heal and learn. It really does get better.

So, updates!

*Went on my first date, post-divorce. I enjoyed it, she apparently not so much, so "just friends", but frankly, at a 90 minute drive, a full on relationship was going to be trouble... and I don't see getting into a friendship where I have romantic feelings going on being a good thing, talked that out, wished her well... but I felt good going on the date, and felt really normal and myself, which I was worried about.

*Amusingly, for all my ex-wife's talk about how it would be great if my office recognized my worth and offered me more pay and some flexibility in my schedule... that happened. I got promoted this past week, now we're just waiting for the job profiles to get through HR (as it's actually a new team in the office I'm joining in that we haven't had before... how you have a call center with data integrity and quality auditing, I don't know... but we do NOW, and they picked me for it, sans interview/job posting because of my awesomeness at work up until this point). But, that extra pay and job flexibility just means I have a job that will be useful for dating ladies who don't work the normal M-F, which is handy.

*I unfriended my ex-wife on Facebook. Why? New boyfriend. Part of me wants to be mad or sad, but honestly, I was mostly just confused. "That guy? REALLY?" Part of the reason my ex-wife liked me when we first started dating was that I had my sh*t together, job, car, and not being addicted to something. I know this dude (he was actually a part of our D&D group). This dude is a huge pothead. I guess she wasn't kidding about wanting to do the opposite of settle down in her life. Part of me worries about her going back that route (as she did that to a teenager and really hurt herself), but part of me is also, hey, she's not my wife, and she's going to do what she's going to do. Weird set of emotions, but frankly, if she does start spiraling out that way, I don't really want to see it. So... no way to have her status stuff on my profile anymore.

And yeah, that's about it. I still have those moments of "sads", but my friends and mom have been really supportive and helped me out every time that happens. Have been following a lot of the advice given here, and I greatly appreciate all of it.

Also, side note, do you know how hard it is to meet interesting ladies who are similarly nerdy to me... who DON'T want kids? Part of me really kind of wishes that was something I want to do (it's really, really not), as that would expand my options about a million times over, but... gotta do what the brain and heart tell you to.

Glad to hear your on the up, my friend. I can relate to the ex moving on, and yep, unfriending is quite effective. I hope it only gets better from here on out. Keep going!

I dealt with a similar situation a few years ago, though it was ending a 6 year relationship+engagement. My suggestions are:

1.) Definitely unfriend her from facebook as all it'll do is give you a daily or weekly reminder of 'what could have been' in both negative and positive ways. Best to just set it aside and try to get to a point where you accept that you're better off without her.

2.) Don't be afraid to be honest and truthful with your new dates. Obviously you want to try and be delicate and not offend anyone but if you do or do not like something, admit it and don't be afraid to talk about what you want long term. If you spend all of your time beating around the bush you might find yourself in a situation where you both like each other but obviously want different things out of life and that makes it harder to 'split'. I found dating to be really refreshing at first but it definitely had its 'down' moments where I thought I would never find anyone else.

3.) Remain open to people with differences, but also know what are non-starters with you. I was very adamant about my potential partner not being religious and not someone that drinks/does drugs as all of those things were very core to me and I knew that were non-negotiable. I'm not saying to be rude or to try to change anyone and if a person has 3 out of the 4 things you're looking for then maybe you can adapt, but keep in mind what you want and be honest and it could avoid hard conversations in the future.

Some or all of this you may have already known, apologies if so but I dealt with something similar and I understand how hard it can get. I just wanted to pass some advice and say that I hope things get better for you. Be confident in yourself and be honest with your dates and enjoy how different people are until you find that person that loves you for who you are.

Yeah, wish I had thought to unfriend her friends sooner, as I got another jab with her and her new boyfriend on some vacation with "wow, wouldn't have imagined doing this even just a few months ago." So that will be my mission tomorrow after work.

And now I have a sad, and for all my efforts to get a full night sleep tonight, I have laid here for the last two hours with too many thoughts to count, kind of wanting to tell her to F off, kind of just wanting to crawl into a hole, kind of just wishing I had someone here in this particular instant to give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok and I am still loved.

Sigh, less than 6 hours until it is time to wake up, and sleep still feels like a long way off. :\

Wrong thread.

Demosthenes wrote:

Yeah, wish I had thought to unfriend her friends sooner, as I got another jab with her and her new boyfriend on some vacation with "wow, wouldn't have imagined doing this even just a few months ago." So that will be my mission tomorrow after work.

And now I have a sad, and for all my efforts to get a full night sleep tonight, I have laid here for the last two hours with too many thoughts to count, kind of wanting to tell her to F off, kind of just wanting to crawl into a hole, kind of just wishing I had someone here in this particular instant to give me a hug and tell me everything will be ok and I am still loved.

Sigh, less than 6 hours until it is time to wake up, and sleep still feels like a long way off. :

I know exactly how you feel, except with my case it was a girlfriend and not a wife. Unfriending them from FB and cutting off contact with them completely is a must. Some exes will try to play the "let's still be friends" card, but going that route will only tear you apart emotionally. There are a few people who can do it, but I don't think most of us can.

Very appreciative of all the wisdom that folks have put into this thread so far. I'm facing a near-certain divorce situation myself, and it really sucks.

I'm not entirely certain whether my current calm state is because I'm pretty good at weathering tough situations or because I'm in mild shock. I educated myself a little bit today and learned that my situation isn't as dire as I thought it was — my Canadian work permit is contingent on my wife's, so I thought I'd have to leave the country right away, but the mandatory one-year separation period gives me a little breathing room. I think we'll be able to reach agreements without contest. I've already let my parents, my boss, and a few friends know.

I survived uprooting my life to move to a different country for her job, supported her during two major illnesses, forgave her for cheating on me, accepted her polyamorous identity, and confronted her alcoholism. I really needed to be able to put that out there, because it's not something I feel like I can say to family or friends IRL. All I can do now is work on property division (no kids, just a cat that will pretty clearly go with me) and figure out where in the USA I want to put down roots. I'm very thankful at this moment that I work remotely, so I have plenty of flexibility in this matter (though it doesn't help with the whole loss-of-primary-social-network thing).

Cyranix wrote:

Very appreciative of all the wisdom that folks have put into this thread so far. I'm facing a near-certain divorce situation myself, and it really sucks.

I'm not entirely certain whether my current calm state is because I'm pretty good at weathering tough situations or because I'm in mild shock. I educated myself a little bit today and learned that my situation isn't as dire as I thought it was — my Canadian work permit is contingent on my wife's, so I thought I'd have to leave the country right away, but the mandatory one-year separation period gives me a little breathing room. I think we'll be able to reach agreements without contest. I've already let my parents, my boss, and a few friends know.

I survived uprooting my life to move to a different country for her job, supported her during two major illnesses, forgave her for cheating on me, accepted her polyamorous identity, and confronted her alcoholism. I really needed to be able to put that out there, because it's not something I feel like I can say to family or friends IRL. All I can do now is work on property division (no kids, just a cat that will pretty clearly go with me) and figure out where in the USA I want to put down roots. I'm very thankful at this moment that I work remotely, so I have plenty of flexibility in this matter (though it doesn't help with the whole loss-of-primary-social-network thing).

If you need someone to just get out and talk with over a beer or coffee, shoot me a PM.

I am sorry for your troubles, Cyranix.

You already know that GWJ is a great sounding board, so come in here to vent/release tension/ask for advice, as needed.

Cyranix wrote:

All I can do now is work on property division (no kids, just a cat that will pretty clearly go with me) and figure out where in the USA I want to put down roots.

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Good luck, Cyranix. Hope everything works out well for you!

mandatory one-year separation period

Ummmm... what? With no kids?! O_o

According to mad men marriage is a tennis racket. Love-30

Cyranix, come to NC.

Demosthenes wrote:
mandatory one-year separation period

Ummmm... what? With no kids?! O_o

Yep, even uncontested and without children. In BC (and I think across all Canadian provinces), it applies to both common-law partnerships and legal marriages that have lasted at least two years — though it's mandatory for relationships of any length if children are involved. Love it or hate it, that's the Canadian social safety net at work.

EDIT: Obviously, no waiting period if there has been abuse or (unforgiven) adultery.

Feel for you, fella. Just to echo what has been offered up thread, just say if you think a chat would be helpful (not that I'm some kind of expert on Canadian divorce proceedings, and not in the right hemisphere to go out for a beer!)

Austin: Now with more Boogle

I'm not sure I'm selling this well.

boogle wrote:

Austin: Now with more Boogle

I'm not sure I'm selling this well.

You're doing it poorly. Let me help.

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