Dealing with Divorce Catch-All

Reading your experience is bringing back memories, Demo. Terrible, depressing memories. But memories nonetheless. I feel for you bigtime.

I would caution as others did diving to far into videogames.. seems like a great idea but can be quickly fairly "anti-social" despite how close we can all become online. Took me a few years but forcing myself out on social activities did far more good for me in the long run than the first 2 years of playing videogames non stop.

If you have ever thought about going back to school or going to school (depending on your educational status) do that! My MBA was an amazing experience.. I met a ton of great new people including my better wife (I never call her my second wife..seems like that isnt worthy enough) as well as got a great educational and work experience.

Otherwise do things you never might have done.. I went to Salsa dancing school for example.. oh and try and date again (that part is hard) since you really really don't want to glom on to the next warm body for too long... that will NOT end well.

Oh don't let your soon to be ex-wife hook you up either.. lol that probably wont end well either..

Others have already said it all but, whatevs..

It was no divorce but an end to a 10 year long partnership for me.
In the end breaking it up was the BEST thing I ever did. I was living with a cheating, lying, emotionally disconnected and spiteful person for SO long.

I was devastated for a day or two and then took the plunge, sad for a longer time but, BUT, it got me out of the same-old-same-old loop I was in.
I didn't get legal advice and it cost me a bit and I was a "nice-guy" way to much. One has to take a neutral stance if anything. Cos you WILL feel some things are unfair. So get some sort of mediation going.

If you have any kind of bitterness or sadness my absolute best advice to deal with it in a VERY healthy way: THE IRON
Go to a gym. Ask for advice from some of the friendly gym-monkeys and you'll have made new friends. They LOVE to help and give advice. They will also encourage you all the way, help you shout at that f*cking barbell all the way to the top.
And, you'll get fit, feel MUCH better and gain confidence.

Also, do get acquainted with a punching bag.
best. release. ever.
If you haven't punched a hard bag before, get some advice as to avoid injuries.

And remember, just because you were a thing for so long it doesn't mean you HAVE to stay in touch or remain friends. It's totally fine to just turn and walk away without being a "meanie".

tl;dr:
Get legal support/advice/help
Embrace change
Find a way to work with the feelings, both mental and physical.

Best of luck to you! It'll be sh*tty for a while but it'll be alright.

Demosthenes wrote:

So, I discovered a weird thing to miss... and it's kind of got me a little down now for the day.

Texting with her throughout the day. I've been surrounded by people all day, but I feel kind of lonely now. My breaks were somewhat monotonous bleh periods today outside smoking with no one to talk to because I'm used to texting her, seeing how she's doing, etc... and getting responses back and such.

Seems like a little thing, but it feels like a huge thing right now.

That, and sex. Yeah, I really don't like going back into a life of chastity. That blows.

Do you have a data plan on your phone? You could do what most of us probably do on our breaks - surf GWJ on your phone!
If I'm not immersed in working when you're on your breaks, you can ping me texts and I could txt you cat pictures. I'm in a relationship, so txt-talking on the regular may not be appropriate, but cat pictures are almost always appropriate for any occasion.

Seriously! Cat Pictures! Be aware there will also probably be puppies and other types of cute animals.

concentric wrote:

So much good advice here. I just wanted to add my support in this tough time. I initiated my divorce, and it was really a good decision, but even so, it was really hard. So I'll be thinking of you. I only see your forum posts, but you seem like a really good guy, and I'll be hoping for many good things for you. I'm also here to talk.

Give yourself space to just be. But get out of the house. Limit the time with videogames. They are tempting escape hatches, but not solutions.

Divorce can bring out the worst in people, even those who originally have the best intentions. So think strategically about protecting yourself now, such as closing joint accounts. I don't know what your living arrangements will be, but figure out what's equitable and take steps before things get more emotional.

I initiated mine as well some nine years ago. It was predicated on what I felt was cheating, but that was just the final justification. (It was a ploy to get my attention which doesn't justify it but I certainly acknowledge I had checked out a bit.) I wanted to keep the fallout simple and cheap for us each, and left the house to her and our kids. The first night or two I slept at my mom's, the third in the office, and after that I made other arrangements.

For months I didn't employ a lawyer, but stayed geographically close to my kids and keeping only $500 of my monthly pay. That was her idea but I felt so guilty about leaving them I capitulated, to continue providing for them. We didn't get to the legal part for many months after, and I hadn't talked to a lawyer up to that point. This was a phenomenal mistake, especially given how my ex-wife prides herself on being manipulative, perhaps Machiavellian.

Approach this as something as complex, unduly so perhaps, as a tax situation that doesn't befit a 1040EZ form. It will be. A lawyer is merely a consultant, someone to ensure you file the correct forms with the correct information. Each of you should have separate counsel. This doesn't undermine caring for one another as friends or, failing that, as decent people. In fact, as mistakes in this Procrustean system might bit your or her ass later, and might so make one of you upset with the other, using the services of a legal expert helps make your future relationship or friendship saner.

Take care and we can grab lunch or whatever if you feel like it.

Guess you'll probably need to lawyer up if money's at stake, but if it weren't, I'd recommend doing your divorce on the interwebs. Like a gamer would!

H.P. Lovesauce wrote:

Guess you'll probably need to lawyer up if money's at stake, but if it weren't, I'd recommend doing your divorce on the interwebs. Like a gamer would!

Achievements?

Amoebic wrote:
Demosthenes wrote:

So, I discovered a weird thing to miss... and it's kind of got me a little down now for the day.

Texting with her throughout the day. I've been surrounded by people all day, but I feel kind of lonely now. My breaks were somewhat monotonous bleh periods today outside smoking with no one to talk to because I'm used to texting her, seeing how she's doing, etc... and getting responses back and such.

Seems like a little thing, but it feels like a huge thing right now.

That, and sex. Yeah, I really don't like going back into a life of chastity. That blows.

Do you have a data plan on your phone? You could do what most of us probably do on our breaks - surf GWJ on your phone!
If I'm not immersed in working when you're on your breaks, you can ping me texts and I could txt you cat pictures. I'm in a relationship, so txt-talking on the regular may not be appropriate, but cat pictures are almost always appropriate for any occasion.

Seriously! Cat Pictures! Be aware there will also probably be puppies and other types of cute animals.

Also install an IRC client on your phone, if you haven't yet.

Have IRC on my tablet, but the work's guest wifi is spotty in the building, much less outside trying to smoke.

But, putting it on my phone is a good idea, maybe I'll do that today, I have unlimited data either way.

IRC is very low bandwidth anyway. Back on dialup/satellite it wasn't uncommon to have nothing working except IRC.

So, tomorrow is the day I got to court for my dissolution. Hell of a New Year's present.

As per the advice given, I took the papers she requested to a lawyer. Basically boils down to a neither of us owe the other anything divorce. No spousal support, nothing else like that. My debts in my name are my own, same for her. We actually never had anything jointly, so no splitting of anything there either.

I really just want it all to be over with... but part of me doesn't even want to go there because I'll have to see her, and I really would prefer not to do that either. Bleh.

Demosthenes wrote:

So, tomorrow is the day I got to court for my dissolution. Hell of a New Year's present.

As per the advice given, I took the papers she requested to a lawyer. Basically boils down to a neither of us owe the other anything divorce. No spousal support, nothing else like that. My debts in my name are my own, same for her. We actually never had anything jointly, so no splitting of anything there either.

I really just want it all to be over with... but part of me doesn't even want to go there because I'll have to see her, and I really would prefer not to do that either. Bleh.

Yeah. You don't have to sit with her in the courtroom or anything, you just have to see her when they call your case. When I did mine like ten years ago, at least the part in front of the judge went fast if you didn't have kids. Some people like to take a friend; I went alone and it was ok for me. Waiting in line for getting certified copies afterward took longer than talking to the judge.

Good luck, make a list of the steps you'll need to take at the courthouse if they didn't give you one, and make sure you know where you're going afterward (even if it's just meeting someone for coffee).

Well, thanks to the snowfall here, I basically had to head home, and now I'm stuck here.

We met with a magistrate in a tiny little "court room" of sorts. Basically agreed that we had both signed the papers, agreed on them, etc...

And... that was it. I was surprised actually. Took the signed copy to the Clerk of Courts, they'll send me a postcard in about a week when it's official.

Soooooooo, I'm still separated, but with a divorce on the way hopefully by next week.

My only wisdom so far? Life is a ironman game of Xcom. As much as I would like, every so often, to reload before my squad got shot up by those thinmans, I gotta press on and make do with what I've got until I can get another team raised up to fight the alien menace.

Bleh... I would say I should have taken tomorrow off too, but I doubt that would have helped any more than being off today.

I have no idea how you'd be feeling right now, but I hope this is the start of something better for you, embrace it.

((((hugs))))

Sorry, man. If you're up for a drive, a bunch of us will be in Detroit Saturday if you want to hang out. Because driving 4 hours sure is fun.

oilypenguin wrote:

Sorry, man. If you're up for a drive, a bunch of us will be in Detroit Saturday if you want to hang out. Because driving 4 hours sure is fun.

Knowing my luck, my car would crap out before I got there. Really gotta get that thing fixed up so I can do some driving though.

Demosthenes wrote:
oilypenguin wrote:

Sorry, man. If you're up for a drive, a bunch of us will be in Detroit Saturday if you want to hang out. Because driving 4 hours sure is fun.

Knowing my luck, my car would crap out before I got there. Really gotta get that thing fixed up so I can do some driving though.

Those crazy Michigan folks do it every month. The Akron boys and I are going this weekend too, though.

I feel obligated to buy you a series of drinks but I don't get out much any more =)

I'll shoot you a PM with my contact info, if you ever feel like driving North to hang out, we can probably meet you in Cbus if you don't want to come all the way up here.

Hey bud, my words of wisdom are: I know it hurts but you WILL get past it and you WILL meet someone else. Now you've learned a bit about relationships as well. (albeit painfully)

Demo, the only thing I have to offer, is do not .. whatever you do ... ever take relationship advice from the Frarkin frogohs frapulisim wste doior thread!

DeThroned wrote:

Demo, the only thing I have to offer, is do not .. whatever you do ... ever take relationship advice from the Frarkin frogohs frapulisim wste doior thread!

Why not, didn't that thread start with someone getting laid?

I was gonna say 'don't take advise from one of the old Demos Dating Threads either'. But then I remembered you never really did

dejanzie wrote:

I was gonna say 'don't take advise from one of the old Demos Dating Threads either'. But then I remembered you never really did :lol:

Ha! True, but I would like to think of myself as a pretty different person from back then. While I may not like that my marriage is over or like my current romantic situation (though I'm warming up to it, as I think I know a lady at work who may be interested in me)... but I learned a lot from it. I dunno that I would say I am that much wiser, but I certainly feel like it, and I certainly feel like I've matured over the last 5 years so there's that. One good thing to take away from my failed marriage anyway.

Another thing: Definitely be more up front about what I'm looking for. While the kids issue wasn't a problem for us (as she was flip flopping on that anyway), be upfront about that when things start to get more serious. Find someone who enjoys time at home instead of viewing it as a time not on an adventure.

To duck into a reminder of DDTs though, I really wouldn't mind if this girl is into me. She's cute, she's friendly and seems very kind and funny, could work out nicely and she seems to enjoy talking with me.

It's ok to be single for a little while too. If she's cool, you don't want her to just end up in the rebound file.

clover wrote:

It's ok to be single for a little while too. If she's cool, you don't want her to just end up in the rebound file.

+1

Well, having chatted with her throughout the day on and off as we were both working, I can, she is pretty cool. Apparently before starting her Grad School program, she was super into Mass Effect 3.

It all depends on wether or not she liked the ending.

Dude, personal experience says: if you hook up with her, it's extremely likely it will go from great to worst in blinding speed, and if so, you might regret allowing a situation where the end result if both of you not talking to each other any more.

Sometimes that one bird in the hand is really better than the two in the bush. But also, sometimes lessons can only be learned the hard way.

(lurking this thread, because... issues)

Rooting for you.

To be clear, I'm not thinking of hooking up with her right this very instant. I'm interested in her, I'd like to get to know her more, because what I saw today was very interesting and intriguing and she seems like good people. It's somewhat difficult to do that at work, I'm thinking of seeing if she'd like to do something together sometime.

If she's interested in dating, mores the better, I just don't know if I'm quite there yet, and if she can't accept that, then she's not as good of people as I thought she was... if she does understand that... I suspect I will put more effort into resolving that in my head that much sooner.

She asked me a bit today about how I was doing with my divorce, as it's pretty common knowledge around my office, and she related some of her own successes and failures with her own long-term relationship breakup from a couple months back. This actually makes me think she may not be ready for a relationship either, and... really, that's ok. As noted, I'm not in any particular kind of rush here. I'm not even 30 yet (though approaching it rather quickly). Having decided I don't really want kids (something else we apparently share), there's no rush to get married again. There is no biological imperative that I find someone fertile and of age to do so...

It just so happens that this particular lady caught my interest today, made me feel pretty good. And while I'm thinking about things I really didn't think I would be thinking about this soon after my divorce... I left work with a smile and just a twinge of disappointment that I wasn't staying longer to chat more. *shrugs*

Good enough for my first day after what felt like one of my worst.

Took the signed copy to the Clerk of Courts, they'll send me a postcard in about a week when it's official.

So on the day I was feeling the most depressed and kind of crazy in the head with just a wide range of emotions (a friend of mine joking that like Roy and Moss, it was my time of the month, since most of the women around me in the office apparently are close to about now)... the postcard came. Thank you Clerk of Courts for making my day worse.

But, it is now official, I guess technically it was official January 6th, but I didn't know that soooooo... bleh.

Just a quick thing.

when you feel ready to go looking for someone new for fun or for "realz", don't miss out on e-dating sites.
It's a great way to start dating and sometimes it gets ya hitched.

In the end, a woman saw me and clicked the "add to cart" button and now I'm happily married and also knows how items on the e-shops feel.
If you want support/help/ideas PM