My Birthday Song, 2013 edition

Every year since they were in the third grade my kids (more accurately, my daughters with some help from my sons) write a parody song making fun of me and how old/gray/geeky I am. It is referred to as my "birthday song".

Here are a couple old examples:

They sang it to me at our family celebration and, as usual, I am returning the favor by posting the lyrics for all to see.

This year's example takes a little explaining. Every house has some standard rules put in place. Take your shoes off, don't toss a ball next to the china cabinet, etc. But every house also has rules as unique as the people living there. These are the ones that you have to make up on the spot in response to some new and interesting way they've found to push the edges of some envelope or other. That's what they chose as the focus for this year's song.

So, sung to the tune of "Colors of the Wind" from the Disney film Pocahontas, I present:

You Can't Handle the List!

You think the most embarrassing thing ever
Is seeing Mom dance on the rink in her white jeans
But I know every time I see that look there
That it's time to add a line to our rulebook

You think that you would never need to say that
To lick your sister's never been okay
But since you've never told us "No" on that before
You set boundaries for us to push or just ignore

Have you ever heard the silence of a sulking teen?
Or suffered through a car ride to the mall?
All these rules have been invented for a reason
And even we don't have a clue as to them all

There won't be any quoting Austin Powers
Don't pet the pizza, or dissect the microwave
No plugging homemade objects in the outlets
Or mixing rocket fuel on this or any day

I don't know why she didn't see it coming
Yelling "FOR SCIENCE!" should always be a clue
Because we all were stuck in this together
It's no wonder that this place looks like a zoo


No more Pagan stuffed-animal sacrifices
No more soldering the forks into a bomb
And when you decide you need to start dating
Leave the crazy ones alone and move along

You may think that we're a mess
But all you need to learn is this

You can't know...
What your children...
Will do next....

There are lots of stories in those stanzas. Some make me laugh, some make me chuckle nervously and change the subject. And I'm a year older again, in the only way I like to measure it.

If I knew you a little better I'd post a well intentioned joke at your expense. But I don't, so I'll just stick with wishing you a Happy Birthday!

If it's something like, "However fall those apples fell from the tree, they rolled back towards the trunk a considerable distance when they landed," I already knew that.

More like they got distracted, turned around, saw a tree, and thought they might climb it. Happy birthday!