Con-FES: Contact Falchion Eldrich Services - Semi interactive Fiction

Hi all,
At the urging of Clover and others, starting this thread to contain this spark of inspiration from Trichy's thread.

Basically, I think it's going to be a semi-interactive, short-form attempt at fiction that will be episodic and will be updated irregularly.
The reason I would like this to be in it's own thread is because I seem to write best in short bursts, and a forum thread is the best way to organize and present the story that will build up over time in a need and orderly manner. Having it in a thread also allows others to feedback, comment and add on ideas as I've come to realize that I work best when riffing off story ideas from other people. Guess I'm not a very original writer.

For example, the direct inspiration for this comes from a post that Trichy made, that got him his tag, but I can't seem to find now.
I would consider it to be Urban Fantasy, like The Dresden Files, The Secret War & Order of the Stick to name a few influences and give an idea of the tone.


FES Work Order #000 : The NEEM

Falchion wrote:

So trichy, the first boyfriend seems to be actually a nice guy?
Dude, does this mean that you won't need the Non-Euclidean Enema Machine (now that's what I call a 'Deep One') that you hired me to clean and prime for you?
Took me months; wasn't easy to extract the tormented essence of the fallen from the Sook Ching Massacre. Luckily I live near one of the beaches but that was the reason you outsourced the job to me in the first place. Are you going to reimburse me for the 23 liters of tortured chicken blood?

clover wrote:

Maybe you can resell it on Craigslist?

Falchion wrote:

Nahh, the NEEM is actually antipodally locked to trichy so it's his to sell; not my call, I'm just the tech guy. Besides, that's what all the chicken blood is for. I have to soak in it for 34 minutes with bits of trichy's hair sewed into my scalp in various places just so the NEEM would stop screaming and killing any pigeons between the ages of 2 to 7 months within a 55 meter radius each time I cross the threshold of the protective circle the delivery guys put around it.

But thanks Clover, bringing up Craigslist...I just got inspired to start advertising my repair services. Guess it's time to put my certification to use. Ahhh, I still remember the day I was rewarded it, the Elder Sign in the bottom corner was a nice touch and the 14^! by 19^! wound on my back where they flayed off the piece of skin to make it is healing nicely. I have it embedded in the flesh wall of my workshop but still can't look at it at right angles without crying tears of blood.

Guess I should answer that ad on craigslist from that lady that wants her set of Byzantine stone figurines appraised. She only has two left after using the other 9 for revenge on her "ex-lovers" as she calls them. She's been meaning to sell the pair off after accidentally cutting her finger on one of them and now wakes up to find them in poses where the other one looks to be trying to strangle the first.

clover wrote:

See kids, if you develop a marketable skillset, you won't want for work even in a recession!

trichy wrote:

23 liters?! Your estimate clearly only called for 13 liters. Listen, I'm still interested in a machine that can irrigate the colons of potential suitors with the screams of the damned, but if you try to pull that kind of "only cursed by a minor demon when you promised me the unholy blessing of an unspeakable Elder god" sh*t with me, I'll have a negative review on Angie's List so fast it'll make your head spin. Don't push me. I'll make sure people call RotoRooter for their Eldrich needs before they come knocking on your door.

Chumpy_McChump wrote:
trichy wrote:

I'll have a negative review on Angie's List so fast it'll make your head spin.


Falchion wrote:

Dude...Take it easy, I think there is some level of mis-communication here, let me go over the Work Order again. Ok it says here that you were the one to order the NEEM directly from Angie's. You even put forward the down payment of a bag of your own hair, toe nail clippings and your GPS coordinates to have it be locked antipodally to yourself. From our conversations, I thought you had experience with such devices (refer to your tag).

The work order then continues that you specifically made arrangements for the NEEM to be shipped to me, your certified Eldrich Technician, for set up and priming. Says here that you were "inspired by Chumpy" to have the irrigation medium that will be introduced into said suitor's colon to be "the murdered screaming souls of Chinese men". Well I emailed you a month and a half back that I managed to extract 66 of such from the very sands of Changi Beach, one of the sites of the above mentioned Sook Ching Massacre that took place during the Japanese Occupation of Singapore back in World War 2 (the Mundane one). At no extra charge for my increased labor I might add. Just needed 10 more liters. Didn't hear back from you, figured you were busy getting ready the brass cage and protective circle to house the NEEM at home, and so went ahead anyway. My initiative, your bonus.

Aww man, not RotoRooster again. Ok ok, tell you what, I'll absorb the extra cost for the 10 liters, you still take the NEEM and pay me the agreed sum. Just do me a favor and help spread my name around to all your other friends who are also playing with their souls in the acquisition and use of unholy/unspeakable relics from the Deep? Thanks man, I'm only just starting out.

Sheesh, now I remember why I didn't get into this sooner, providing Customer Service is HELL.

FES Work Order #000 : The NEEM

Well that's that...the truck just left the workshop and the NEEM is on the way to be delivered to trichy. Gave the movers a 1liter Pepsi bottle of the remaining chicken blood with explicit instructions to wet the edges of the box with it every 3 hours. Especially when on the plane. Wouldn't want it dropping into the Pacific Ocean, it's not like I'm sending the damn thing back home heh.

Anyway, I packed the shipping box full of sawdust. Love the stuff: provides protection against bumps and rough handling, absorbs any fluids that may leak out, bio-degradable (Save the Planet!) and since it's all taken from Mangroves, provides supernatural containment properties as well. Awesome!

What was that saying about getting vendors that bid the lowest offer? ...nahh it will come back to me if it's important.

Well you said it was gonna be on Twitter, but yeah I was thinking a forum thread would be more suited to this type of material. Subbed.

avggeek wrote:

Well you said it was gonna be on Twitter, but yeah I was thinking a forum thread would be more suited to this type of material. Subbed.

Actually I meant that I was thinking of doing a Twitter version of this as a supplement and to further stretch my writing skills in seeing if I can build a good story from just 140 characters per post.

Falchion wrote:
avggeek wrote:

Well you said it was gonna be on Twitter, but yeah I was thinking a forum thread would be more suited to this type of material. Subbed.

Actually I meant that I was thinking of doing a Twitter version of this as a supplement and to further stretch my writing skills in seeing if I can build a good story from just 140 characters per post.

Once you create the account, let me know and I'll add it to my GWJ Twitter list

avggeek wrote:

Once you create the account, let me know and I'll add it to my GWJ Twitter list :twisted:

Here you go Con-FES : Field Reports

Falchion wrote:
avgeek wrote:

Once you create the account, let me know and I'll add it to my GWJ Twitter list :twisted:

Here you go Con-FES : Field Reports

Similar to Conan O'Brien and Paul Ryan*. Must be the reference to chicken blood.

[size=7]*Republican VP candidate.[/size]

I clicked the tracking number in the confirmation email I got, and the website it took me too was just a swirling vortex of unnamable horror. Does that mean it's in processing?

Err dude...that's not supposed to happen.
Did you try turning it on and off again?

Guessing that didn't work. Forget to plug in the Theomatic flash drive like I told you to before you went web browsing for soul sucking devices of unfathomable darkness? Doesn't matter if Angie's were having a daily sale, incognito mode and not saving cookies isn't enough.

If the polygothic virus hasn't already co-opted too much of your visual processing cortex, please do the following:
- Click to minimise your browser
- turn on your webcam
-place a mirror in front of your computer within view of both monitor and webcam
-turn away and do not look while restoring your browser window to full size.
-keep calm and do not open your eyes, for the essence of Holy Light (17% proof) that will be delivered via Q-WRR code in a popup will reflect back and de-rezz the polygothic entity, restoring your system to Last not-so-bad State
-Side Effects: if you do happen to open your eyes during the last step, then please be warned that, according to the user guiding manual/Angel: "your corrupted ungodly eyeballs and optical nerve endings will be sheared completely from within your skull, you sin-filled heathen, in this, but a small fraction of His everlasting Glory, forever and ever, Amen."

Hope that helps dude!

To: Falchion Eldrich Services
From: Marcel Beaudoin
Subject: Request for pricing information

Good afternoon.

I am writing to you with a bit of a question. For whatever reason, one of your boxes was delivered to my house. FedEx quickly came back and picked it up, but not before some strange liquid had dripped onto the Welcome mat outside our front door.

I am not writing to complain, Rather, I am writing to ask if I can get more of this liquid. My Welcoming Matt (as it has indicated it wants to be called) does a great job of keeping all of the Jehovah's Witnesses away from the door, and somehow potty-trained my 2-year old daughter in 20 minutes.

Thanks in advance

Marcel Beaudoin

To: Marcel Beaudoin
From: Falchion Eldrich Services

Good day Mr Beaudoin,

Firstly allow me to apologize for the mishap, that box is part of a AYDFIO (At Your Door, Figure It Out) shipment that a new client wanted me to take on. Without informing me before hand, or negotiating my fee (or any fee for that matter) nor informing me of what the actual issue is. They even went as far as to involve the aid of a mundane shipping vendor and not their more qualified sister company (name withheld as per my contract but I like to call them FedHex).

As such, the shipping manifest has been less then helpful as "strange luminescent liquid" and "fleshy bits suspended in a clear, jello-like goo" aren't very informative nor unique descriptors in my line of work. Therefore I am unable to offer you more of that particular substance until that re-directed box gets here and perhaps may require the arrival of the other boxes as well.

As to your new houseguest, I am reluctant to put forward any prognosis with so little information although I have a few ideas. Therefore, please do continue to observe Matt for the next day or so with the following points that I shall highlight that would help gather more insight:
- Does it communicate telepathically or aurally? And if aurally please state the number of orifices used to emit the sound and what number of teeth, if any, per orifice.

-When communication is established, please rate the voice(s) you "hear" from 0-14, where 7 is normal human speaking, 14 is the 3rd Kyriotate Choir of the 2nd Heaven Symphony and 0 is the gibbering madness of a Shedim pitfeast giving praise to FurFur.

-Please do attempt to observe any feeding habits and summarize the event in 250 words or less. An audio/video recording would be extremely helpful but please normalize the noise levels of screams and repeated horrified cussing. My hearing is a little sensitive these days.

-Keep access to bedrooms and bathrooms restricted or at least monitored. Especially under beds and cupboards.

-Track and identify all other mats, rugs or carpet. Note their movement and if there has been any change in the appearance (missing fibers, discoloration, stains, fish-like scales and/or reptilian skin)

-Please do inquire with neighbors as to any recent missing pets, children and/or homeless people.

Thank you once again for your email. Hope to be able to hear from you soon.

So these dice are working great. Lots of natural twenties, we always make our saving throws now, and my ranger/pirate/ninja elf has gone up six levels already. And our neighborhood squirrel problem looks to be fixed, too. The dripping blood was getting kind of annoying to clean up, so now I put down a dropcloth before the game starts, so that's alright.

The problem is our DM. Whenever we make a roll he starts groaning and muttering under his breath. He kept buying new supplements with bigger and bigger monsters on the cover, but now I think he's given up: after we beat down his dire linnorm he broke down crying and said that the linnorm's children were our responsibility now. Our characters have been trying to find a daycare that will take them, but it's not easy with our aggressive adventuring schedule. He also won't stop ranting about probability curves and chi-squared tests. Is there any way that we can get our old, cheery DM back?

We would switch back to normal dice, but ever since Steve dropped his D4 under the couch and used one of his old dice instead of looking for it he's not quite been himself. His forsaken paladin character has been really in-character and the glowing eyes have helped when the cat hides the dice under the furniture, but after the game he just slumps listlessly and won't pay for his share of the pizza.

To: Falchion Eldrich Services
From: A potential customer
Subject: That special Christmas gift

Help me FES, you are my last hope. I need something really special to give to my Wife, and I'm fresh out of ideas. She isn't being any help either, whenever I ask her what she wants she just gives me a nasty look, and says that "I should already know what she wants." Last's year gift of a diamond necklace didn't go over very well, she just picked it up with a grimaced look on her face, and mumbled something about keeping receipts under her breath. I never saw the necklace again. i just don't know how to please this women. I was told that you could help me by a strange swirling vortex I found on my way home from work, I have been informed that it would like me to refer to it has Sandra, but the voice does seems a bit low for it to be female. But hey, when a swirling vortex tells you to call it Sandra, who am I to argue. Anyways, I'm getting off topic, Sandra is tucked away safely in the basement. I still don't have a Christmas present for my wife, and I fear if I don't hit it out of the park this year will be our last. Oh well, at least our rat problem has seems to have fixed itself. PLEASE, PLEASE, help me.



[Start of audio Transcript]>>>>
Hey...! Oh crap, this is bad. Hey! Hey!!! Wake up! He....ll? Why is all this stuff in the basement? Oh no...

Ughh! Hate using the Snake Smelling Salts. Worse that each dose is only one shot and done. Going to have to steal and kill another snake. That will piss of the Yiggers for sure. sh*t. I'm panicking and rambling.

*grunting noises* There we go...had to pull you out of there...ok, good. Getting a response finally. Breathing shallow, pulse weak but steady, but pupils completely dilated with full REM. Skin clammy and sweating. Fever. Slight whimpering. At least that's better than just now. Gotta look around. And think.

Man, look at this mess. That's a big chain of ice, nice, together with these pictures, must make for a strong foci. But all of these? Used them as both the medium and the trigger? That's a multiplying effect and....*sniff* *sound of something dropped to the ground with a wet splat* F!ck. *Scrambling noises, more grunts*

No choice, doing to have to Dive in. *coughing growls* *distorted chanting*

LISTEN to me.
You are in a self induced Astral Lucid Projection. A creation of your mind for your mind. Like a Lucid dream that you are not aware of, that you don't remember, but you have a degree of control over and the changes and choices you make, subconsciously or not, will affect all these women that you linked Astrally. This was your plan all along.

But something has gone wrong.
Dead rats used in your Circle. Lots of them. And for a Projection there has to be an ingested component as well. Even more rats for that. Except that you forgot to check how the rats died in the first place.

Rat Poison. Lots of it.

You're in deep trouble and deep down you know it. That's why a part of yourself is projecting to your own self, to get you help, astrally.
And here I am, but you got to listen to me....LISTEN!
You cannot move a vortex. Do you understand? You cannot move a vortex! Not on your own and not to your basement.
Open your eyes!


There is no Bob.


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