Specifically how does life get better for Peter Pansies and worse for the breeders? Much of my information about this topic comes from my straight bloke pals—I call each one Doug, since it’s easier than trying to remember their real names, and most of them are actually called Doug—who have come to view the gay milieu with unapologetic envy. First on their list of gripes is SEX and the frequency thereof. “Gay men have so much sex. Why can’t we have Grindr?” wail my Dougs.
According to Dr. Debby Herbenick, research scientist at Indiana University School of Public Health, with whom I also emailed this week, gay men are def doing it more often than straights: “Across the lifespan gay men tend to have more frequent sex than male/female couples who, in turn, tend to have sex more often than lesbians,” wrote the author of Sex Made Easy, adding, “ Lesbians report higher rates of sexual touching, kidding, and cuddling than others—even with age—so that seems to get better, if you will, for them.”
It gets fitter if you’re gay, and it gets fatter if you are a Doug. No expert citations needed on this one. Just walk through a gay neighborhood.
It gets peacockier for the gays, and for the straights it gets greiger and blander. Even if a heterosexual dude develops an interest in style, he is never going to catch up with the local gay who has been into it since he was a zygote.
It gets pleasanter for gays and gnarlier for straights who, according to Dr. Debby, report lower relationship satisfaction. As one of my Dougs put it, “I feel henpecked and honey-dewed, as in ‘Honey do this and honey do that.’ ”
It gets glammer. As the gays age they adorn their abodes with increasing panache. While they are festooning their groovy pads with flamboyance and color, Mr. and Mrs. Doug are collecting Hummel figurines … or descending into a hoarder situation.
It gets richer. Straight men end up becoming an ATM for an extended network of broads and brats. Cut to: Unencumbered gays lolling and lounging in shekeltastic splendor.
It gets cuter. A Doug would never compromise his perceived masculinity with facials and body-waxing. Not so the gays.
It gets more beloved. Gay social networks—those life-saving chosen families of like-minded folk—rage throughout adult life. It’s a total reversal of the relative isolation experienced by teen gays. Who has all the buddies now