Funny Analogies and Metaphors

Randomly searching the internet I found some hilarious analogies and metaphors. Here are some of my favorite.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. -Joseph Romm, Washington

The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. -Brian Broadus, Charlottesville

Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. -Sue Lin Chong, Washington

It's especially funny when you read your sig as another "metaphore"

*see sig*

"The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work."

"She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs."

"It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall."

"He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something."

"The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't."

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

I liked the one in Sin City "When it comes to reassuring a traumatized 19-year-old, I'm about as expert as a palsy victim doing brain surgery with a pipe wrench. "

From Dave Sim's Cerebus comic:

"You look about as nervous as a near-sighted hemophiliac refereein' a porcupine fight. Twitchin' that is."

A couple of gems from Frank Drebbin of Police Squad! and Naked Gun fame:

"And like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way out."

"And like a midget at a urinal, I was going to have to keep on my toes."

"I trust him as far as a midget can throw a piano."

"The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while."

"Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

"The painting was very Escher-like, as if Escher had painted an exact copy of an Escher painting."

"He was as bald as one of the Three Stooges, either Curly or Larry, you know, the one who goes woo woo woo."

"The sunset displayed rich, spectacular hues like a .jpeg file at 20
percent cyan, 10 percent magenta, 60 percent yellow and 10 percent
black."

"The sardines were packed as tight as the coach section of a 747."

Some favorites from THHGTTG:

"He had a look on his face like he'd been staring at a clock with all the numbers backwards and in the wrong places."

"A Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brain smashed out by a twist of lemon...wrapped 'round a large gold brick."

"I feel like a military academy, bits of me keep passing out."

vbl wrote:
"The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work."

"She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs."

"It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall."

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

Made me make the snorfling sound. Yes, yes it did.

vbl wrote:

"Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever."

Excellent.

Mixolyde wrote:
Some favorites from THHGTTG:

"He had a look on his face like he'd been staring at a clock with all the numbers backwards and in the wrong places."

"A Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brain smashed out by a twist of lemon...wrapped 'round a large gold brick."

"I feel like a military academy, bits of me keep passing out."

Can't forget my favorite, regarding space travel:

F:"It's unpleasantly like being drunk"

A:"What's so unpleasant about being drunk?"

F:"You ask a glass of water."

"Never parry with your head."

Jeb wrote:
"Never parry with your head."

That's... not so much a metaphor as sound advice.

"On one cold December night, the sky was midnight blue. I observed this while falling down a mountain like a metaphor." - Lemon Demon

Stuart Mackenzie: Look at the size of that boy's head.

Tony Giardino: Shhh!

Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, it's like an orange on a toothpick.

Tony Giardino: Shhh, you're going to give the boy a complex.

Stuart Mackenzie: Well, that's a huge noggin. That's a virtual planetoid. Has it's own weather system. HEAD! MOVE!

Stuart Mackenzie: I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

Mixolyde wrote:
"A Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brain smashed out by a twist of lemon...wrapped 'round a large gold brick."

One of my favorite lines of all time.

From a TopGear vid in the Post a video thread:

[It] seems to be a perfect blend, like crossing Uma Thurman with a jar of honey.

Mmm... honey...

Education I received in second grade compells me to point out that many of these are similes and not metaphors. (Though both fall under "analogy")

She had a body like a knife. -- Will Christopher Baer, Kiss Me, Judas

I must be dead for there is nothing but blue snow and the furious silence of a gunshot. -- Ibid.

The time flies. The time flies feed on rotting clocks. -- Craig Clevenger, Dermaphoria

...and the Devil is just the Angel who wanted More. -- Craig Clevenger, Dermaphoria

LobsterMobster wrote:
Jeb wrote:
"Never parry with your head."

That's... not so much a metaphor as sound advice.

Lobster's quick cut cut me to the quick, like a quick cutty thing cutting me quickly.

A for Effort, Jeb.

We do aim to please, but sometimes we get knocked down like a two dollar hooker punched in the mouth by a fat guy with sores on his face.

A recent Onion article is sure to please those fond of similes...

http://www.theonion.com/content/node...

"Like jewels in a crown, the precious stones glittered in the queen's round metal hat" - Jack Handey

Regarding an airplane accident:

"It's like holes in a cheese, sometimes the holes line up and you will get an accident," De Kock said.

Oh no... OH NO! The cheese is aligning! IT'S GOING CRITICAL!

How you can seriously qoute anyone named "De Kock" is beyond me.

One could quote a significant portion of HHGTTG in this thread; "The ships hung in the air, much in the same way that bricks don't."

Necro thread!!!

I was always fond of: I´m as confused as a blind lesbian in a fish market. It exquisitely handles the balance between sophistication and crudeness.

Here's an off-the-cuff original that got a pretty big laugh out of my wife.

We were on our morning walk to the Metro station and passed by a discarded Christmas tree, waiting for the trash truck.

"I used to love real Christmas trees, but now I just feel bad for them. Seems like a waste of life."

"But you use paper, don't you? And you also read books. You don't have a problem with that?"

"Well, I love hamburgers and steak, but I'm not going to prop a dead cow up in the living room and string it with lights."