How many times...?

Do you let yourself think you need to leave someone before you actually do it? It's scary and no one wants to be alone, but if the thing is a net loss each week, week after week... I don't know if I'd rather be alone or constantly drained, and I'm leaning heavily toward alone.

How many times is too many?

(first non-gaming post, x-posted to one other place, just interested in thoughts)

First off, sorry to hear you're going through this.

I went through something similar, at least, in terms of where you're standing/thinking. If what you're looking for is a number, I started feeling drained for about 2 months, without acting up on it or even thinking about it much. She went back home for summer, and those 3 months have been the longest in my life. After roughly 5 months of thinking and thinking and trying to find a solution, I finally acted, and ended things. So there's a number, but numbers don't mean anything in a situation like this.

I'm sure the circumstances are different, but you'd better be damn sure of what you're getting yourself into. For me, 5yrs later, I'm still regretting that decision...badly. Not to sound too melodramatic (one of my superpowers), but while I've had my share of fun, triumphs, ups, downs, good times all around, I can assure you I haven't smiled since. At least, not like I used to. There's a horrible void in me that I don't wish upon my enemies. I'm better, happier, and nowhere near to my lowest low, but I know there's still lots of ground to cover to just scratch what I used to be.

You have to weigh in what's bringing you down. Again, circumstances are probably different. I've been asked numerous times, what happened? I was 8 months after this girl. People called me crazy. We were together for 3yrs, lived together for about 1.5 of that. I don't know what changed in me yet. It was a mixture of things that basically boil down to fear, but I can't truly pin point exactly what it was. Not even to this day. The best I can sum it up to, was that I fell out of love, if that makes any sense.

Or at least, I thought that was what happened. Years later I would find out that that wasn't the case, and ever since, I've missed her. I thought I just missed having someone, not her specifically. Nope. It was her. It is her. Still, and while I've been doing much better, it's been nigh impossible to forgive myself for it. Hasn't happened yet. Maybe someday.

I remember I had a rule I lived by, that worked wonders. Never go to bed angry. Communication is key. It truly is. And for almost the entire duration of my relationship, I lived by that. And it worked. We rarely got into fights, but when we did, we talked sh*t over. No matter how big or small it might've seemed, we talked it over. We worked through sh*t together. The one thing I decided to do by myself? This. Blew up in my face. I regret not talking to her. We did everything together. Why not this? Hell, it might've sounded horrible; hey, I'm not loving you anymore like I used to, what can we do? It's cynical I know, but it would've been better than the alternative. Who knows at this point. For the longest time, there was still a tiny, itty-bitty piece of me that still thought, had I handled things differently, we might still be together today. Not anymore though. In my situation, this was college in the US, we were both from other countries, I was 4yrs older, and 1 academic year higher. When I graduated, I moved to LA. Then back to Mexico. She's in New Orleans. Such a vast distance surely affects matters. Namely, not knowing what goes on eats away at me. Scenarios come into play, assumptions, etc.

Thing I'm trying to get at, is that you'd better be 100% sure of what you're doing. Ending things might be the best and smartest thing you will ever do in your life. But it might not. And if it's not...depending on your general view on things, it could be the one thing that down the line, drags you down even further.

Attempt reconciliation. Attempt communication. Counseling even. Know in your heart you've done absolutely EVERY DAMN THING in your power to make this work. If so, and you're still standing where you are, then by all means. Otherwise, like me, you'll learn to taste the hate when you hear the words: "Dude, it's been 5 years. Get over it."

Last time I thought about it for a month or so. Agonised a bit then found out it was pretty much mutual. But yeah, communication is important.

I was in a similar scenario about 5 years ago. We just couldn't make it work. So I ended it. It sucked and I was alone for about two years.

Then I met my wife.

And it was (and remains) completely effortless.

If you're thinking that it's not worth it, then it's not worth it.

Chesspieceface wrote:

Do you let yourself think you need to leave someone before you actually do it?

No. If you're considering that it's not working, then it's already not working. You're wasting your time and the other person's time.

The prospect of being alone may be daunting, but for as long as you're with the other person, you're not really looking for something that would work for you. You're also in a bad space, being dragged further and further down. And chances are you're dragging the other person down with you.

So just man up and treat it as a band-aid on a hairy body part. It'll really suck, but the best way to do it is pull it off one time, quickly. Be done with it. It'll hurt for a while, but move on.

Yeah, I had a similar situation. We were only together for a year, but the last 4 months were pretty terrible. We moved in together pretty soon, but that highlighted how unsuitable we were for each other. If we didn't jump in that fast the relationship may have dragged on for ages before we learned the truth.

After a few months I met the woman I've now been together with for over 2 years, and we are engaged, and like Lester_King says, it's completely effortless. I'm sure there will be fights and challenges in our life ahead, but if every day is a challenge that leaves you a bit more tired and empty, then you need to GTFO. For your sake and hers (I assume?)

My ex is also engaged and really happy, last I spoke to her just over a year ago we agreed that our bad relationship was part of the process for preparing ourselves for the next one. If we had stayed together to 'work at it' like some kind of soap opera we would have been holding each other back.

It's better to be alone than with someone that's killing you.

I think it's important to be comfortable with being alone before entering a serious relationship. Coming from a place of personal security tends to change the dynamic in a relationship for the better. That said, it seems that everyone has to go through at least one relationship they stay in too long for all the wrong reasons before some internal threshold of crap-taking is reached and the realization dawns that there's absolutely no reason to date someone who doesn't make you happy, or really to stay in any relationship where either party is unhappy.

In my case, I stayed in a relationship for months longer than I wanted to because the girl threatened suicide if I left. Eventually, I got to the point where I realized I wasn't responsible for what she did with her life and, to be honest, I was past the point of caring. So I broke it off and never got into a relationship like that again. Though to be fair I did have differently crazy relationships later on.

You're not married, you don't have any kids together. There really isn't any obligation to try and fix things. I guarantee you'll find a better match later on.

I'm going to go with the assumption that you aren't married and have no kids. If that is the case, move on. I was a relationship for about 4 years and just wasn't happy during the last part of it. I even ended up engaged due to pressure. I ended it within a week of being engaged and it was definitely the right choice. I felt terrible about doing that, but it was better to do that than get married, kids, etc. and then still feel that way or end it then.