My father's coming to visit. I haven't seen him since I was tiny. Help?

The backstory, edited for brevity:

I was born in Egypt; my father's Egyptian and my mother's English. When I was 4 1/2 years old, my mother - for whatever reason - left the family home and returned to the UK with me in tow. Since then, I have seen my father once - by order of the Family Court, when I was around 11 years old. I am now 25, and next weekend my father will be making the trip to London to see the son whose childhood he missed out on being a part of.

I bear no ill feeling toward this man. As far as I'm concerned, he's suffered more than enough for whatever he did to drive my mother away (not that I know what it was, nor do I want to). Even trying to imagine being in his situation - missing out on your only kid growing up - is awful for me. Gaaaaaaah. Unimaginable sh*tness.

So. This is the beginning of our relationship, a chance for us to get to know each other. Blank slates.

How do I navigate this situation? What do I do with my father and his wife? I fear we are very different people: him from a culture where family is paramount, me a big ole isolationist nerd; him religious, me having left the faith. Otherwise? I know basically nothing about him.

TLDR: What things can I do with a father I haven't seen in two decades that'll ease the awkwardness of the situation, and allow us to get to know each other?

What do you do when meeting someone new for the first time? Regardless of shared genetics, you guys are strangers. Treat him like a stranger to whom you're extending the benefit of the doubt in potentially awkward situations. Like meeting new Goodjers at an S&T, only with "DNA" instead of "games" being the link.

When I was 4 1/2 years old, my mother - for whatever reason - left the family home and returned to the UK with me in tow.
As far as I'm concerned, he's suffered more than enough for whatever he did to drive my mother away (not that I know what it was, nor do I want to).

I'm quite shocked that you don't have any idea what happened and don't want to know. Obviously I have absolutely no idea of the status of your relationship with your mom, but if it were me I'd sure as hell like to know. Then again, I'm curious like a cat. My father left my family when I was in elementary school and by the time I was 20 I pretty much uncovered everything about it, though most of it was obvious since he married the woman he was cheating on my mom with.

Chumpy_McChump wrote:

What do you do when meeting someone new for the first time? Regardless of shared genetics, you guys are strangers. Treat him like a stranger to whom you're extending the benefit of the doubt in potentially awkward situations. Like meeting new Goodjers at an S&T, only with "DNA" instead of "games" being the link. :grin:

Well said.

I don't really have a great deal of advice to give but I can share my not too similar story. My folks split when I was a teen and I didn't see my father again until I was finished with Uni (7/8 yrs later). Meeting again was strange after so long without contact. We don't share a great deal in common with regards outlook but he is a smart and articulate so conversation was never really too much of a drag. I can't say we managed to re-spark some deeper connection so it wasn't a life changing or reaffirming event. The only issue was that I could tell that he clearly wanted to adopt the dad/father role once more, so that was an ever present thing that hung about unspoken. From my point of view I was open to establishing an adult friendly relationship with him but I wasn't in need of a dad. He'd absented himself from my life and I'd become a reasonably well rounded and happy adult without him and didn't feel in need to someone trying to step in and take on that role.

After that meeting we went through a brief period where we saw each other a handful more times but then he absented himself from my life once again. So we never really got the chance to become at all close nor did we establish the kind of connection where we might have had the conversation about not needing him to "play dad".

So, if I had any advice I'd say you should get clear in your own mind what the purpose of meeting your father is and what kind of relationship you might actually want to establish.

Yeah, I would be leery of any sort of wishing for a "Dad!" + running across the train station in slow motion for a long overdue embrace moment. It will be hard but I would suggest to try not to have any skin in the game. Meet him and if it works out, great. If not, you are your own man and you have a life you can go back to.

Either way, make your boundaries clear. And meet in as neutral a place as possible. Like I said, you are an adult but you are still impressionable. (especially with parental figures)

Look to forward possibilities, not for answers to uncomfortable questions of the past. And for sure, nothing good can come of discussions surrounding your mother. (avoid like the plague)

garion333 wrote:

I'm quite shocked that you don't have any idea what happened and don't want to know. Obviously I have absolutely no idea of the status of your relationship with your mom, but if it were me I'd sure as hell like to know.

When I was a kid my mother hinted that there might have been domestic violence, and I'm fairly sure that the phrase "power games" got tossed around a few times. Now I've grown up and am able to judge my mother as a person, rather than an omnipotent, omniscient parent... well, let's just say that she's just as flawed as any of us, and the situation may very well have been far more complex.

What would I gain from asking my dad about it? Another side of the story - but one just as biased; certainly nothing approaching any kind of objective truth. It'd stir up bad memories and start a conversation about whether my mother was right; I want neither of these things. There's nothing to gain from asking, and nothing to gain from knowing; as far as I'm concerned, it's a thing that happened and is done.

I intend to spend some time tonight trying to think of what I want to get out of the meeting. Does anyone have any suggestions for activities? Are the activities important, or even relevant?

What's normal for you, is normal. Be honest to yourself.

Bear your teeth a lot. If you feel threatened, raise your arms over your head to make yourself appear larger than you are. He has to understand you are the dominant male.

Also, if there is an awkward silence just say "So...how 'bout those Olympics?".

Yeah I would think activity is important so as to prevent a situation where the conversation becoming forced or like an interview. You can present yourself, "This is me, this is what I do, this is my life now." without giving away your inner most desires to what is, in truth, a stranger, whether biologically linked or not.

You seem to have a grounded attitude already. So just maintain the control.

LobsterMobster wrote:

What's normal for you, is normal. Be honest to yourself.

Chumpy_McChump wrote:

What do you do when meeting someone new for the first time? Regardless of shared genetics, you guys are strangers. Treat him like a stranger to whom you're extending the benefit of the doubt in potentially awkward situations. Like meeting new Goodjers at an S&T, only with "DNA" instead of "games" being the link. :grin:

These seem pretty good in terms of advice. He's going to be awkward about this as well and he probably doesn't know what to do either.

If he hasn't been to London before (or in a long while) take him around town and do touristy stuff. Talk about interests to see if there's anything you can find in common. Probably best to avoid the usual hot-button issues like politics and religion. Take him to any restaurants or places that you consider your favorite.

If you think he's up for it, show him photos of you when you were younger? Assuming you have any of course.

Go out for dinner. That's a decent way to break the ice and being outside in a public space will generate discussion topics.

I am disappointed in you people.

The obvious answer is:

Finger --> Butt.

Chumpy_McChump wrote:

What do you do when meeting someone new for the first time? Regardless of shared genetics, you guys are strangers. Treat him like a stranger to whom you're extending the benefit of the doubt in potentially awkward situations. Like meeting new Goodjers at an S&T, only with "DNA" instead of "games" being the link. :grin:

Quoted again for excellence in simplicity of design.
I have no frame of reference for any kind of situation like this, but the above advice suits my gut. It's the advice I'd imagine myself following in the same situation, were it possible.

The "I'd want to know" response above seems relevant.
Do you extend the benefit of the doubt to someone who perhaps chose not to be a part of your life? For me, that's not something to go unrewarded.

Perhaps the situation was otherwise and he was left with no choice, and chose what was best for you and your mother. That too should not go unrewarded.

You can see how the amount of "benefit of the doubt" changes as the circumstance of his absence changes.

It would be hard for me overlook the "where were you when I needed you, and why are you back now that all of the hard sh*t is over" argument.

Titty bar.

Lots of good advice in this thread, but only Vector's is backed by millions of years of reliable success.

Vector wrote:

Bear your teeth a lot. If you feel threatened, raise your arms over your head to make yourself appear larger than you are. He has to understand you are the dominant male.

Bring a bottle of Fireball whiskey.

Break down crying immediately and run?

Just talk to him! Just like the rest of us, your dad will soon realize what a wonderful compassionate oxygen breathing person you are

Floomi wrote:
garion333 wrote:

I'm quite shocked that you don't have any idea what happened and don't want to know. Obviously I have absolutely no idea of the status of your relationship with your mom, but if it were me I'd sure as hell like to know.

When I was a kid my mother hinted that there might have been domestic violence, and I'm fairly sure that the phrase "power games" got tossed around a few times. Now I've grown up and am able to judge my mother as a person, rather than an omnipotent, omniscient parent... well, let's just say that she's just as flawed as any of us, and the situation may very well have been far more complex.

What would I gain from asking my dad about it? Another side of the story - but one just as biased; certainly nothing approaching any kind of objective truth. It'd stir up bad memories and start a conversation about whether my mother was right; I want neither of these things. There's nothing to gain from asking, and nothing to gain from knowing; as far as I'm concerned, it's a thing that happened and is done.

Oh lord no I didn't mean talk to him about it. I meant with your mother. I wasn't trying to pry in the story behind it, but your statements shocked me because I thought you more or less knew nothing about the situation. Clearly you do.

As many have already mentioned: let the past stay in the past. You're looking forward to the future. So just start from zero and let it build from there.

You will probably not have a problem being treated as a kid, since he didn't really know you as a kid to think of you that way. But don't ever forget that you're an adult. You are his child, but you are not a kid. Make sure that boundary exists. If he crosses it, remind him that you are an adult, making your own decisions, and being responsible for them yourself.

A good thing is that you'll never run out of things to talk to him about. You have 20 years worth of your life experiences that you can share with him, and that he would most likely love to hear about.

Meet him in the airport. Scream "DADDY!" and give him a running and jumping hug. If he falls over, stand up and scream "You missed my birthday!" and run off crying.

Or you could take him out to dinner and talk about your day.

Grenn wrote:

Meet him in the airport. Scream "DADDY!" and give him a running and jumping hug. If he falls over, stand up and scream "You missed my birthday!" and run off crying.

Or you could take him out to dinner and talk about your day.

Needs more pigtails + sundress to work.

A good thing is that you'll never run out of things to talk to him about. You have 20 years worth of your life experiences that you can share with him, and that he would most likely love to hear about.

This is a good idea. You should probably organize some thoughts on it beforehand. Perhaps even bring something cherished from your childhood to share.

Tanglebones wrote:
Grenn wrote:

Meet him in the airport. Scream "DADDY!" and give him a running and jumping hug. If he falls over, stand up and scream "You missed my birthday!" and run off crying.

Or you could take him out to dinner and talk about your day.

Needs more pigtails + sundress to work.

That's not a given?

Grenn wrote:
Tanglebones wrote:
Grenn wrote:

Meet him in the airport. Scream "DADDY!" and give him a running and jumping hug. If he falls over, stand up and scream "You missed my birthday!" and run off crying.

Or you could take him out to dinner and talk about your day.

Needs more pigtails + sundress to work.

That's not a given?

IMAGE(http://i.imgur.com/9cWk3.jpg)

It can't be unseen.

Take him shopping. For 20 years worth of birthday presents. Insist that they're age appropriate for the age you were when he missed that birthday.

kexx wrote:

Titty bar.

You'll note that my plan is not mutually exclusive with kexx's.

Thanks folks, this is all good stuff.

I'm also incredibly disappointed in myself for not seeing finger --> butt coming. (I never do.)

I'm going to ask what he and his wife like to do in an attempt to try and get some inspiration... while I agree that the activity isn't as important as the fact that it's happening at all, I'd still rather not make things unnecessarily awkward.

Keep 'em comin'! You're all wonderful.

fangblackbone wrote:

Perhaps even bring something cherished from your childhood to share.

You know, I didn't write about 4 things here because I honestly can't come up with anything that's both amusing and not potentially incredibly insensitive. Huh.

Floomi wrote:

Keep 'em comin'!

This is NOT an appropriate activity.

In a way, I'm a touch envious of you; my biological father more or less abandoned me as an infant. My personal tragedy out of the way, just be you. Talk with them, see how they're doing, what they're interested in, let him know you've had a good life. I figure it's what I'd do if presented with the same opportunity, although given that I haven't heard from the man in 30 years, it's not likely I ever will.

Keep an escape plan.. no seriously, make sure that if you feel uncomfortable, you have a way out. Public spaces are good. Treat it like a first date (without trying for the foolin' around part). Don't plan all day activities with him, he will be as nervous as you are.

Though it is a good sign that he is traveling to meet you.