My Aunt Died and I Don't Know How To Feel
Back in the Fall we found out my Aunt had cancer. She was the youngest of six. I didn't really follow on what was going on with her, but for some reason, as cynical as I am about other people, my natural reaction to these sorts of issues is "That sucks, but things will turn out alright".
Last week the doctors tried their final treatment and failed. They sent my Aunt home with nothing more to do for her. She was deteriorating. The doctors said she had two weeks left, so I still went to PAX East. We were going to visit her this Saturday.
It should be noted that things still didn't seem real to me. I wanted to be sad, angry, frustrated, and yet I couldn't be. Well, sort of. I was sad, but not distraught. Yet I was quickly distracted, be it by work, PAX or other things. It's like it didn't feel real, or somehow I still felt as if things might turn out okay. When I tried to pray, I couldn't find the words. How do you pray when someone is about to die? That God miraculously heal them? That's not how it works. Or maybe I don't have the appropriate faith to "walk on water", so to speak, and make it happen. So instead I prayed that her husband and sons be prepared for the worst.
Some time at work today I wondered what I'd do if she died before I got to see her. Well, she did. She died today, and yet when I heard the news...well, I don't know what I felt. I wasn't surprised. The best way to describe my thoughts was that I felt inconvenienced that I couldn't see her one last time.
Everyone is upset. At least, everyone is showing it more than I am. I don't really know how to show it. It's like it never happened, or as if it happened to some character in a story. Maybe it just needs time to sink in, I don't know. All I can think is how much I cried when I found out the neighbor's dog died when I was a kid, yet felt the same when my grandfather died not too long after. I wasn't even 10 when he died. I used to chalk it up to being a kid and that I just didn't understand (yet I cried when a damn dog died!), and yet now...
I loved and still love my Aunt. I was her ring bearer at her wedding. I remember visiting her house when she lived in Jersey, and her dog Tipper. I remember when she had just had her first son, and she'd let me over once in a while to help watch the baby. I remember coming back from College and finding her to be one of the few people I could talk to without feeling patronized (and truthfully, nothing changed after I graduated).
So why don't I feel distraught? Why don't I feel angry? I'm more upset that I don't feel angry or something. I'm not apathetic, but...this isn't a healthy reaction, is it?
I didn't know where else to write this, or speak it. I can't speak to my mom because she'll just tell my Dad, and I don't want to bother him about this. His youngest sister just died, after all. Maybe my sister, but she's upset too. My brother is overly dramatic about everything, so I am not at all surprised at how he's taking it.
I love my Aunt. I believe she is in Heaven, learning all the answers to questions we never asked, witnessing the dinosaurs and how they died, learning the creation of the universe and getting to know my God. But I should still be angry about this, at the very least for her husband and sons, shouldn't I?