This is Not the Boogle Memorial Dating Advice/Tips Thread, No

Polliwog wrote:
Sonicator wrote:

A friend of mine jokingly gave me a copy of the Bro Code a couple of years back because of how much a friend of mine and I reminded her of Barney and Ted. :-)

Which one were you? ;)

Definitely Ted. He essentially forced me to chat to more women in bars by doing the "Haaaaaaave you met Ted" thing if I didn't initiate conversations myself.

hbi2k wrote:

Boom-shaka-laka.

Your newsletter. I want to subscribe to it.

I think it was very brave/cool that you were able to know where your head is in regarding your situation and how you knew yourself enough to be not ready to commit at this point in time. I doubt I would have the same amount of self-awareness if I was in your shoes.

I say give it another few months, and if she's still around and not going anywhere else, you might want to re-evaluate your timeframe.

I'm single again. f*ck it. I did everything right, and she says she's not "into it." I put in 100% into the relationship, and she just shows up. What the f*ck is the point? She meant everything to me. She can just throw it away and not even try to work it out. Sometimes I feel like it's all bullsh*t. Everyone that says they're happy is just pretending. After my experiences, there is always someone who is left wanting, but just deals with it. I'm tired of having to deal with it. Let me love you. Love me back. That's all I want.

P.S. I'm drunk. I'll probably be my bright cheerful fake self tomorrow. Put on the charade again, man. That's what the women want to see.

Sinkwater wrote:

I'm single again. f*ck it. I did everything right, and she says she's not "into it."

Ahh sh*t :/ I'm sorry to hear that mate.

Better luck tomorrow, Sinkwater. I had plenty of girls break up with me before I found the right one, and it sucks. Hell, it still sucks a teeny tiny bit thinking about it! Not like I want anyone back, but like, "Damn it, I know damn well you were into me at one point...what the hell happened?"

I have an extreme aversion to rejection. I haven't been broken up with in 10 years. I've only been in two relationships as a result since then. I feel for you Sinkwater. I can't pretend to know what women want, but I don't think it's a charade. If you're hurt, be hurt for a spell and let it work itself out. I subscribe to the belief that you'll be ready to move on from this once you meet someone that makes you want to be ready.

Sinkwater wrote:

I'm single again. f*ck it. I did everything right, and she says she's not "into it." I put in 100% into the relationship, and she just shows up. What the f*ck is the point? She meant everything to me. She can just throw it away and not even try to work it out. Sometimes I feel like it's all bullsh*t. Everyone that says they're happy is just pretending. After my experiences, there is always someone who is left wanting, but just deals with it. I'm tired of having to deal with it. Let me love you. Love me back. That's all I want.

I know this is probably not the time nor the place, but if you're the only person putting in 100% then she isn't worth your 100%.

Sorry to hear about it, though.

ccesarano wrote:
Sinkwater wrote:

I'm single again. f*ck it. I did everything right, and she says she's not "into it." I put in 100% into the relationship, and she just shows up. What the f*ck is the point? She meant everything to me. She can just throw it away and not even try to work it out. Sometimes I feel like it's all bullsh*t. Everyone that says they're happy is just pretending. After my experiences, there is always someone who is left wanting, but just deals with it. I'm tired of having to deal with it. Let me love you. Love me back. That's all I want.

I know this is probably not the time nor the place, but if you're the only person putting in 100% then she isn't worth your 100%.

Sorry to hear about it, though.

I think it's healthier to say the relationship isn't worth the 100% being put into it if you're both not into it. No need to devalue a person just because they aren't the right one for you.

Falchion wrote:
hbi2k wrote:

Boom-shaka-laka.

Your newsletter. I want to subscribe to it.

I think it was very brave/cool that you were able to know where your head is in regarding your situation and how you knew yourself enough to be not ready to commit at this point in time. I doubt I would have the same amount of self-awareness if I was in your shoes.

I say give it another few months, and if she's still around and not going anywhere else, you might want to re-evaluate your timeframe.

I've been doing a lot of reading / thinking about dating, sex and relationships since trying to make things work with my ex and then ultimately breaking up. It's paying off.

This stuff really is just like anything else: a set of skills that can be mastered with research, practice, and an open mind.

There is such a thing as a short term relationship, if you're up for it. That is, an agreed-upon exclusivity that has a preset expiry - let's say one month, after which partners can reassess with explicitly no obligation or expectation on either party to re-up the arrangement.

The explicit expected default is that the exclusivity expires at the end. No hard feelings, whatever happens at expiry. The advantage is that with the expiry finite and explicit, no one feels trapped into anything. Re-up means that parties that want a subsequent arrangement can work at it v with an expected evaluation date.

Relationships rarely end up being about logic, though. Sometimes the best case scenario is just mutual respect and and open channel of communication.

Happens millions of times every day man, you got lucky that she figured it out now instead of a few years from now. Keep your head up : )

clover wrote:

Relationships rarely end up being about logic, though. Sometimes the best case scenario is just mutual respect and and open channel of communication.

It works differently in the parallel universe Larry is from, clover. And I'll thank you not to publicly contradict a credentialed ambassador to our world.

Fedaykin98 wrote:
clover wrote:

Relationships rarely end up being about logic, though. Sometimes the best case scenario is just mutual respect and and open channel of communication.

It works differently in the parallel universe Larry is from, clover. And I'll thank you not to publicly contradict a credentialed ambassador to our world.

If I don't make it, tell my wife I said... hello.

Totally forgot I posted last night. Thanks for the support guys, I feel much better today.

It's not really an issue of logic. It's an issue of confusing the ability to make a promise to do something in the future with the ability to make a promise to feel something in the future. The flip side is that I can promise to be in a relationship with you forever, but that doesn't mean I can promise you that I'll feel the same way about your forever.

Certainly promises help: making a promise that the relationship will be short or long term allows our emotions to have a greater chance to calibrate themselves to that reality, but sometimes emotions just don't cooperate with our plans.

LarryC wrote:

There is such a thing as a short term relationship, if you're up for it. That is, an agreed-upon exclusivity that has a preset expiry - let's say one month, after which partners can reassess with explicitly no obligation or expectation on either party to re-up the arrangement.

The explicit expected default is that the exclusivity expires at the end. No hard feelings, whatever happens at expiry. The advantage is that with the expiry finite and explicit, no one feels trapped into anything. Re-up means that parties that want a subsequent arrangement can work at it v with an expected evaluation date.

Even assuming that you could trust both parties to be perfectly logical and rational and harbor no hard feelings if the other party chooses not to re-up, I'm not sure I see the advantage to that. So on the off chance that I *do* meet someone else I'm interested in pursuing during the one-month period of exclusivity, I'm supposed to, what, count down the days before calling them? What's the point in that?

Personally, I am increasingly of the opinion that agreeing to exclusivity only makes sense if you see a strong possibility that you may want the relationship to become permanent.

It's not that I have any burning desire to go out there and see other women-- this one is doing a bang-up job of meeting my needs right now-- but it would be cruel to imply that I see our relationship going in a direction that I just plain don't.

And if what she wants is something exclusive and committed, it would be cruel to prevent her from going after it with other guys as a condition for continuing to enjoy my dick company in the meantime.

I find that extremely rare. It is interesting. One night stands seem easy to cope with. "Summer Romances" or vacation infatuations seem OK. I have never explicitly entered into a relationship with a shelf life, but with all their temporary nature became apparent quickly. Maybe because I have never had problems picking up women at the bar, I never got into friends with benefits, shelf life relationships.

But my wife has a story from her younger days. She started dating a guy who told her up front he was shipping off to the Peace Corps in 5 months. She took steps to move the relationship into something more platonic, in preparation for his leaving for close to a year. He started to form real attachment, and asked that she wait for him and not see anyone else. My wife said no, and he went on about how unfair that is, how he was falling in love. But she made no bones that she could not be with someone who did that kind of work (Military, Peace Corps, Doctors Without Borders), making her wait at home alone for months or years on end. And she would not ask any man to change that to be with her, if that were really his dream and career.

More recently, our boarder took his sweet time calling off a F-buddy situation. He got into it with a girl he knew from childhood, she recently ended a long term relationship, which was a true common law marriage with a child. For awhile their agreement of occasional sex, without attachment worked. But it became evident quickly that her emotional state after the break-up had her looking to fill that gap. AJ was not quick to end the arrangement, and led her on, while occasionally reminding her of the agreement. He hesitated to call it off because he did not want to "be the bad guy." He eventually did, lo and behold, being the bad guy in her eyes did not get him fired, and napalm was not dropped on his bed.

Ultimately, I think the lesson to take is that long or short, committed or casual, any relationship to last longer than a week needs a serious meeting of the minds. So in many ways to get a short term relationship, a just sex relationship to work is as difficult as getting a committed relationship for life to work. In the end, you need 2 separate people to come to agreement. And that is damn hard.

All very true. And I am doing my very best to keep my head clear and watch for signs that this woman is getting attached, because as much as I feel the sex and companionship is good for me right now, I will break it off with her if I have to. The last thing I need in my life right now is drama.

Well, my options for meeting people socially are rather limited, so I took the plunge and signed up for an online dating service.

Turns out spammers really are everywhere.

It's amazing how long this thread has gotten. It struck me when I was digging up this post:

http://www.gamerswithjobs.com/node/106607?page=29#comment-1899191

Essentially, before I left the country almost two years ago I was being a bit of a slut and meeting lots of people. Right before I left, on the 4th of July, I met a great girl from Dallas and we clicked but nothing came of it.

Cue about a month ago. I send her a random message on Facebook. I'm getting back in the country, she was dating a guy (pretty much the entire time I was gone, but not anymore), and she wants to get out of town. I suggest visiting for Mardi Gras. She actually takes me up on the offer, and I'm unsure if we'll still click, or if she's attracted to me, and concerned about not making it weird by hitting on a friend who's staying at my house. I mean, I'm attracted to her, but I didn't invite her here to mack on her like a creeper.

We end up clicking again immediately, get drunk, get flirty, and she stays an extra four days to hang out. Amazing week.

She wants to get out of Dallas, and New Orleans was on her list of places to consider (low cost of living, a decent amount of startup resources). She's now now pretty much going to for sure move here in a couple months. And we will be (or are currently?) dating when that happens.

My longest relationship was my first, and it only lasted six months. Everything since then have been friendship arrangements or super short but sometimes intense relationships. I always said if I met someone who I'd actually want to potentially be with I'd give it a shot, and now that's happening. I am mildly and stereotypically a little freaked out.

I definitely want to date her. I am concerned about her relocating, because I did that once and it went poorly for me, so a priority will be making sure that it's not all about my friends and my local interests. But even though I've never been in an open relationship, I've also never really been monogamous simply because they're so short. She's not interested in trying the open thing out (mentioned casually) even if it's not initally a heavy relationship.

It'll take her a few months to move here. In the meantime, I'm in a weird position of having more casual relationships I've formed planning to come visit me (plans made before I reconnected with Dallas). I'm not a fan of long distance, but I feel weird saying "is it cool if I f*ck around before you get here?"

It's exciting and new, but we're not infatuated. If her work plans don't pan out here, she'll probably end up going overseas to school or relocating to another state. We both want to travel. There's an undercurrent of realism there.

We're skyping and keeping in contact, but not obsessively. It's actually nice to genuinely like someone for once in a non crazy manner.

We have similar but not identical interests, she makes me laugh constantly and vice versa, and even have different qualities (she's super ambitious, for one. I am not.)

She likes my friends. They like her.

She's extremely attractive. We're sexually compatible. And funny enough, she said she wasn't very attracted to me when we first met because I was too skinny (I'm just shy of six feet and was about 155 pounds, I put on 10 to 20 eating fried food in Oz for six months) even though she's pretty petite herself.

So, yeah. A callback to a much earlier thread post. That's a first for me. Here's to playing the long game.

It'd be an interesting exercise for someone to comb back through the thread and see how many people wound up marrying someone that they first mentioned in here as "this person I've started seeing".

Note that this will not be me. My time is far too valuable. Or I'm too lazy, one or the other.

Chaz wrote:

It'd be an interesting exercise for someone to comb back through the thread and see how many people wound up marrying someone that they first mentioned in here as "this person I've started seeing".

Note that this will not be me. My time is far too valuable. Or I'm too lazy, one or the other.

I'd much rather avoid combing through my old posts in this thread. This place is more embarrassing than anything I've posted in Frarkin Frogohs.

I did a minor update on a dating site after I first moved, but otherwise haven't even thought about it since I got here. I've been thinking about updating my site, getting my podcast going and putting more work into my video series, as well as other hang-out possibilities. Not once did the idea of dating really cross my mind until my roommate mentioned going to meet some neighbors, two chicks living with a gay guy. Then all of a sudden I thought about being in a new location and how I'd go about meeting new people, and dating.

And then I abruptly decided I like thinking about working on my video series, website and podcast stuff more, because that gives me ambition.

EDIT: And on topic, ccoates, I wish I had something more for you, but this is so far outside of my expertise. I wish you congratulations and luck and whatever else is necessary.

And welcome back to the states!

@ccoates, I can't imagine dating like that. I'm monogamous to an extreme. In college I once felt guilty for trying to go for an easy hook-up while fruitlessly pursuing a serious relationship.

In fact, I'm not sure what to do about my current situation. I know a girl (let's call her Leslie) through a bible-study, we became friends and usually sit together in church on Sundays. We get mistaken as a couple occasionally. We hang out frequently, her roommate and her friends and I are now a pub-trivia team. I have began falling for her roommate (let's call her Ann) though, and I'm not sure how to approach that. I'm basically the worst at reading how women think about me.

I'm going to a party at their apartment on Saturday night. I'm looking forward to the party, but not looking forward to weighing my every action. I think there's a Spice Girls song about this, and deep-down 5th-grade S0LIDARITY hates current S0LIDARITY for acknowledging that Spice Girls is a thing.

Additional details:
Ann attends a different church, I end up seeing Leslie more often as a result.
Ann and I are much more flirty. Leslie seems to go a little out of her way to get my attention.
Ann is big into board games. Leslie likes Dave Matthews Band.
They're both two years older than me, and tease me about it.

Spoiler:

Yeah, I picked Parks and Rec characters as a naming convention. Yeah, I'm saving April for someone that I find irresistible.

Ann is big into board games. Leslie likes Dave Matthews Band.

f*ck Leslie.

Wait.

What I mean is have intercourse with Ann, but who cares about Leslie.

I mean, Dave Matthews. Ugh. They'd be decent if they got a real vocalist.

(Note none of this is meant to be taken seriously in any way, shape, or form.)

Stumbled upon this: a map that breaks down surplus of single men and women by region. It's a couple years out of date at this point (it's based on the 2006 census), but still interesting.

IMAGE(http://cache.boston.com/bonzai-fba/Globe_Graphic/2008/03/29/1206808144_5800.jpg)

So apparently my recent success at dating is all the more impressive given that I'm working at a geographic disadvantage. Makes me wonder how much I could clean up if I moved east.

ccesarano wrote:
Ann is big into board games. Leslie likes Dave Matthews Band.

f*ck Leslie.

Wait.

What I mean is have intercourse with Ann, but who cares about Leslie.

I mean, Dave Matthews. Ugh. They'd be decent if they got a real vocalist.

(Note none of this is meant to be taken seriously in any way, shape, or form.)

I laughed a few times.

@ccoates: did you change your forum name or am I crazy (please don't let it be crazy)....

I definitely stopped posting in this thread when I got in a serious relationship with one of the people I mentioned in an earlier post. Since then, I've not really posted anything, because that would be awkward and bad for her and the mutual friends we have reading this thread.

kaostheory wrote:

@ccoates: did you change your forum name or am I crazy (please don't let it be crazy)....

They're not mutually exclusive.

Quintin_Stone wrote:
kaostheory wrote:

@ccoates: did you change your forum name or am I crazy (please don't let it be crazy)....

They're not mutually exclusive.

And he did.

I HATE Dave Matthews Band.

Solid - It sounds like Leslie might be interested in you, so if you're not interested in her, and you are interested in Ann, be careful. Don't, however, sacrifice the potential happiness of two people when you can't make the third person happy anyway.