This is Not the Boogle Memorial Dating Advice/Tips Thread, No

Thanks for all the comments everyone.
Given it a day to compile my thoughts and, somehow, Mex sums it up best: keep it causal, also fun! But be safe.

As per Clover and Jonman, we are all just people after all, and she seems like an interesting person, regardless of her line of work. Like trichy and ccoates have mentioned, there is nothing really wrong in knowing interesting people from all sorts of social demographics.

I consider myself mostly non-judgemental and open-minded so I have no qualms having an acquaintance, friend or even FWB in that line of work. But beyond that towards something more serious and, yeah that's going to take another round of long contemplation but at least I will know the actual person better by then and can consider all the factors.

So not going to read too much into things right now and keep the emails light and flirty and see how things goes. In the latest round of emails just last night, it was finally raised the question of meeting up again, so that's a point leaning towards it all being just about work.

Also included in that mail was a new, taken by phone cam, pic. Slightly blurry due to low light but it features a head shot of herself lying down forward, her shoulders bare and wearing a wide smile...

I finally had to clear out my OKC mailbox, and browsing through both my sent and received messages, I thought I'd throw out to all those folks who get discouraged:

If we're being generous, I have maybe one received message for every 5 that I sent out. And that includes back and forth conversations with the same person.

And a few of those random ones were just smiley faces or from straight dudes who just thought I had a particularly funny profile.

I'd still consider myself a successful online dater, and I've met some pretty cool women on OK Cupid, made a few penpals, friends, and a minimum number of awkward silences. But the ratio is way skewed against you. I just never let it bother me, I'd send a message (two if I thought we'd really click) and then move on. I picked girls I actually thought I'd have something in common with, and wrote a message, long or short, specifically for that person.

I think it's like everything else. A combination of persistence and realistic expectations.

Trophy Husband wrote:

There are some things you assume go without saying, but apparently not... Don't date a hooker. It's a bad idea. There are many reasons to not date a hooker. I'll list them if you'd like.

Anyone ever use How About We? I'm fairly active and like to go to as much stuff going on in Chicago as I can. But my friends are busy and can't keep up/stay up. I thought it might be a good way to go to the things I want to and if I meet someone, all the better, I guess.

McChuck wrote:

Anyone ever use How About We? I'm fairly active and like to go to as much stuff going on in Chicago as I can. But my friends are busy and can't keep up/stay up. I thought it might be a good way to go to the things I want to and if I meet someone, all the better, I guess.

I've not used it, but I'm tempted. I've been toying with the idea of looking for a lady, who, amongst other things, would be interested in coming out on training runs/rides/swims with me. Haven't really followed up on it, as I feel like I'm identifying a vanishingly small demographic when you combine that with "....and is cool with me having other relationships."

For someone who currently has too many tabs open to bother Google searching, what is "How About We"?

You still have a profile but the focus is on proposing dates. For instance, how about we ... go to the South Park The Movie Sing-A-Long at Logan Theatre this Saturday? Though, I don't know if they're usually that specific or fairly general. Such as, how about we ... we go on a stroll through the park.

Well, I've been set up for a blind date through a mutual friend of the family. I was given a name, a phone number, a recommendation and a heads up that I was going to call her. I gave her a call this evening, and although we only chatted for a few minutes as she was at work, she's going to give me a call back sometime. The plan is to get together next time I visit the hometown, which will hopefully be next week sometime, but my work schedule is rather erratic and difficult to arrange two days off in a row at times.

This feels a bit weird because I haven't been on a date in about 15 years. I'm in the process of a divorce right now, but it's pretty civil and not your stereotypical messy one. We've been separated for two years and I'm in a good headspace for this. I was a little bit nervous/anxious to make the call, because I didn't really know what to say, but I wound up just dialling and winged it.

I think the plan is just to get together at the local coffee shop and see how it goes from there.

Strewth wrote:

Well, I've been set up for a blind date through a mutual friend of the family. I was given a name, a phone number, a recommendation and a heads up that I was going to call her. I gave her a call this evening, and although we only chatted for a few minutes as she was at work, she's going to give me a call back sometime. The plan is to get together next time I visit the hometown, which will hopefully be next week sometime, but my work schedule is rather erratic and difficult to arrange two days off in a row at times.

This feels a bit weird because I haven't been on a date in about 15 years. I'm in the process of a divorce right now, but it's pretty civil and not your stereotypical messy one. We've been separated for two years and I'm in a good headspace for this. I was a little bit nervous/anxious to make the call, because I didn't really know what to say, but I wound up just dialling and winged it.

I think the plan is just to get together at the local coffee shop and see how it goes from there.

Everyone is nervous the first time they call a girl, no matter how long it has been. Good luck on the date, and remember to Finger--->Butt at an appropriate lull in the conversation.

Well, I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years tonight. I have wanted to do so for 3 months or so, but wanted to do so with dignity and avoid hurting her. It was just too hard to maintain a long distance relationship as she struggled to figure out what to do with her life.

I'm looking forward to being single. It's obviously been a long time. I now feel good about the prospect of pursuing friendships with women and letting them develop naturally now. I left her back in Upstate NY when I moved to Boston in June, and I was shying away from female companionship. I didn't want to let myself get in a position where I could do anything to hurt her or disrespect her.

I'm not sure what I want out of this thread. I'm a bit shaken still, despite this being a pre-meditated change. I'm probably be going to grieving the end of 'us' for a little while. f*ck. I'm glad it's over, and I'm remorseful.

Looking forward, I have some issues that I'll need to deal with before pursuing a meaningful relationship, maybe before a meaningless one too. I'll get to that, but not tonight.

Good luck with the mourning and remorse, Solid.

"Death" of a relationship is never easy, even if it is one that you were planning to end. Take it from someone who has been divorced, twice, it will get better and you will realize when you are ready again to get back out there. Until then, take solace in the fact that you were courageous enough to end it respectfully and before it became just that much harder.

Enjoy the me-time and play some games.

Thanks Fed and cartoonin. I have a birthday party to attend today at a brewery festival, so I probably won't get some 'me time' until late tonight, but craft beer should be a good consolation prize.

I give you props for having the courage to do it, as I've known people to hold it off because they don't want to hurt the other person. It ends up destroying both of them. You did something hard, but it was the right thing to do. Also, to look at it optimistically, it is probably the best for her as well.

Good luck on the recovery process.

Sorry to hear that Solid, but it sounds like it's a move you've considered well. Good luck with the recovery period. Maybe we can get a Boston S&T together again sometime before PAX.

ccesarano wrote:

I give you props for having the courage to do it, as I've known people to hold it off because they don't want to hurt the other person. It ends up destroying both of them. You did something hard, but it was the right thing to do. Also, to look at it optimistically, it is probably the best for her as well.

Good luck on the recovery process.

Just wanted to second this. I've had a friend who rationalized it away even after bringing up their true feelings on the situation. Held on for a couple of years, and when it finally blew up, it was terrible.

I now have a second friend starting down this dark road. And this one looks to be even worse since he's married with a kid.

Tons of good vibes heading your way S0ild; stay strong.

Re: Falchion's friend

Everything in relationships can be laughed off, eventually, until you get married. Even then, it's all pretty recoverable in the long run.

Once you have a kid, it's serious as hell, and imho, you don't get to make decisions for your good or your happiness anymore. You made 'em, so you have to do right by 'em.

/derail

Fedaykin98 wrote:

Re: Falchion's friend

Everything in relationships can be laughed off, eventually, until you get married. Even then, it's all pretty recoverable in the long run.

Once you have a kid, it's serious as hell, and imho, you don't get to make decisions for your good or your happiness anymore. You made 'em, so you have to do right by 'em.

/derail

Exactly the point I'm trying to get through to him about. But he's a stubborn one. Not my place to air his dirty laundry, but this is not the first time he's raised issues in his relationship, last time was just before his child was born. Had a long talks to him about it to him to do something to get it right (marriage therapy) but he kinda brushed it aside, said all will be well after the birth and even avoided me for awhile. Things seemed all ok for about two years but now the same issues are cropping up again.

And before his current marriage, he was engaged to another lady for a year only for them to break things off 3 months before the wedding.

A marriage and having a child are not crutches to help fix problems in a relationship. I come from divorced parents, and while it is something one can overcome, it's still not a situation I would wish on any one, let alone a very young kid.

Just not getting through to him, and honestly, it's something he has to either accept or fix, on his own decision, else he's not buying it in his mind. While I may have, or currently am in, questionable relationships, I'm 34, single, never been married and have no kids. Exactly the situation my friend has tried desperately not to be in all his life. Don't think my words carry much weight to him.

I actually had a friend tell me he thought having a (second) baby with his wife would bring them closer together.

I'd only heard that once before, from some seriously unintelligent people. I didn't think most anyone was dumb enough to believe that.

Raising a kid is hard as hell (and wonderful!). If your marriage is rocky beforehand, it's gonna be blown to hell afterwards.

My friend and his wife started separating less than a year after their second child was born.

Fedaykin98 wrote:

I actually had a friend tell me he thought having a (second) baby with his wife would bring them closer together.

It's amazing that people still believe this.

Quintin_Stone wrote:
Fedaykin98 wrote:

I actually had a friend tell me he thought having a (second) baby with his wife would bring them closer together.

It's amazing that people still believe this.

That's the most profoundly moronic thing I've ever heard.

It must be a deep seated subconscious thing in all humans. Some kind of old school survival mechanism or something. I know of more than 1 disaster of a marriage where this was attempted and was put on the fast track to complete failure. In fact I bet the success rate for this tactic approaches 0.

Stems from old traditions, I expect. In the old days, children were valued for what they brought to the family, not viewed as a cost and a liability as they are in modern Western industrialized states. A farmer would see a direct contribution to his livelihood as early as age 5 when the child could be assigned easy tasks and chores around the farm. And it's all profit from there. Wealthy landed nobles could secure their lines of succession, or gain daughters to give away in matches for alliances or espionage.

LarryC wrote:

Stems from old traditions, I expect. In the old days, children were valued for what they brought to the family, not viewed as a cost and a liability as they are in modern Western industrialized states. A farmer would see a direct contribution to his livelihood as early as age 5 when the child could be assigned easy tasks and chores around the farm. And it's all profit from there. Wealthy landed nobles could secure their lines of succession, or gain daughters to give away in matches for alliances or espionage.

Play Crusader Kings if you want to experience this first hand. Including relationships where having the next child not only tore the relationship apart but left half of Europe in flames as wars and assassinations spiraled out of control...

My parents got along best after my siblings and I were all in College/Grad school and out of the house. Once my sister got pregnant she had to move back home, my brother's living situation went to Hell and he had to come back home, and eventually he left for Korea before I graduated College and returned home. Then my brother returned from Korea.

Now, because there are five adults living in this house, three of which had been out of the house in their own apartments living their own way, this causes a lot of personalities to clash. But the presence of my niece has also created more "excuses" to argue. And even though my siblings and I are adults, our parents have a hard time treating us as grown human beings with legitimate knowledge and wisdom. So the smallest spark lights a fire and next thing you know there are deep-seated grudges coming out (this is usually a result of my parents and sister, as my brother and I try to be as rational as possible, but sometimes it all just falls apart).

My niece is the most common source of these fights, simply because people have different ideas on how to raise the child. While my sister is anything but mom of the year, my niece would be better off if she and her mother lived on their own.

If the core relationship isn't good, and if people cannot work together, then adding a child into the mix will only create more conflict.

It's a sad, sad reality, as a child should bring people closer together. But it requires people to put the child before their own sense of pride, which is surprisingly hard since everyone wants the child to turn out how they envision.

clover wrote:
Quintin_Stone wrote:
Fedaykin98 wrote:

I actually had a friend tell me he thought having a (second) baby with his wife would bring them closer together.

It's amazing that people still believe this.

That's the most profoundly moronic thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure the lowest moments in my marriage have come due to sleep-deprived, baby-induced stress. I had never, for instance, given my wife the bird until we had a second child.

(We're doing well, btw, I hope these posts don't make it seem otherwise. Just pointing out that infants and children in general add stress.)

I guess your marriage is stronger than ours, Fed, because Yellek and I give each other the finger often.

Quintin_Stone wrote:

I guess your marriage is stronger than ours, Fed, because Yellek and I give each other the finger often. :lol:

Goodjer wisdom: nothing strengthens a marriage more than regular finger-->butt.

While she may not be fully aware of my friend's feelings about the situation (something in itself that is part of the problem), my friend's wife has stated that her main joy and focus in life now is their child. And so is preparing for the next one, in a manner that goes against my friend's beliefs (Traditional Chinese Medicine vs Western Medicine) and seemingly without heed of his feelings about this or about the next child...

*sigh*

Damn these things are messy...

Quintin_Stone wrote:

I guess your marriage is stronger than ours, Fed, because Yellek and I give each other the finger often. :lol:

Okay, first time I gave her the no-kidding, FU bird.