This is Not the Boogle Memorial Dating Advice/Tips Thread, No

The dating two girls issue has cropped up for me exactly once.

I went on a date with a girl I met on a dating site, let's call her A. A couple of days later I went on a date with girl B from the same site. Girl B was quite ready to jump my bones on the first date, so I mentioned there was another girl I'd had a date with and plans for a second, so thought jumping into bed would be unfair despite being very appealing.

I never mentioned girl B to girl A because by the time sexy times cropped up with A B had decided not to pursue the relationship.

Seems like a wise approach to take for me, open when called for and not volunteering unnecessary information when it's not needed.

unntrlaffinity wrote:
Delerat wrote:
Then I guess I don't exactly get the problem.

Exactly, and that's okay.

I've gotten some good advice, and it's probably worth dropping the whole thing at this point. But to explain where I'm coming from, I really don't move or bob that much when listening to music. To the point of where if a friend notices I'm shaking my foot, it's a BIG DEAL. Too bad it's usually because of the ol' restless leg syndrome. I'm actually shaking my foot right now, and didn't realize it.


I think this confusion arose because your initial post says that you find dancing makes you really self-conscious. Anyway further to LarryC's plan maybe you should buy Rock Band and the drum controller first

Also Call Me Maybe is a great piece of pop music.

unntrlaffinity wrote:

Jonman wrote:
hbi2k wrote:
I will add a caveat to your caveat: it is wrong to date more than one girl at the same time when one or more of them is under the mistaken impression that you're exclusive, provided that you have contributed to that mistaken impression by misleading her in some way.

My take is that by staying silent on the matter, you are contributing to the impression that you're not dating anyone else. You are misleading her, because the assumption is usually that you're not dating anyone else.

Maybe I'm wrong, and the yoof of today are more down with casual dating.

I'm more in line with hbi, but Jonman's approach is more practical. Once you realize your feelings would be hurt if she were still seeing someone else, or conversely that her feelings would be hurt if you were, it's probably time to have a simple conversation on what you each want. So for me, the point of realization is key, which may not be quite as preemptive as what Jon's talking about.


Yeah I'm with Jonman here. The default societal assumption people make is that dating either is or is heading towards exclusivity. And that's not an unreasonable assumption, it's probably true for most cases of successful dating. If you're the one who is going against that assumption then it's on your head to tell people.

And for the couple of times I've had multiple dates on the go disclosing that early was never a barrier to sexy times (was probably a help).

DanB wrote:
I think this confusion arose because your initial post says that you find dancing makes you really self-conscious.

I did try to explain that it wasn't really a "how people see me" type of self-conscious. Repeatedly. To me the pushback felt like being informed how I really feel, which I found surprising.

DanB wrote:
The default societal assumption people make is that dating either is or is heading towards exclusivity.

I agree with the sentiment of you, Jon, Larry, and Devil, but that really is going to vary by the person. If you're the type of person who tends to date exclusively, you'll probably naturally encounter more people like that. If you're more likely to date casually, or less exclusively, the same is true.

Like I said, I give a little more flex on the timeline for that conversation. But Larry's comment about basic human courtesy is a pretty damn good guideline to any social interaction.

I've never withheld it intentionally (not that I've had countless opportunities to), but it doesn't always occur to me that it's even an issue at an early stage.

I'd say it's a good policy, if you're able to talk about it in a fairly non-committal (ha!), casual (double ha?) manner. Otherwise to me it just sounds too forward or bizarrely intense. Like asking about whether or not you want to have children as a first-date question.

I'm thinking with the same friendly timeliness that girls I've met will mention they have a boyfriend or a partner. Early enough to avoid confusion, but in a light enough tone that it doesn't preclude having a good time.

That said, it doesn't occur to me off the top of my head how you would do that. How do you guys broach the topic?

unntrlaffinity wrote:
I agree with the sentiment of you, Jon, Larry, and Devil, but that really is going to vary by the person. If you're the type of person who tends to date exclusively, you'll probably naturally encounter more people like that. If you're more likely to date casually, or less exclusively, the same is true.

Yeah it definitely does vary by person but I'd always err on the side disclosure as that's most likely to be the one that hurts people least.

unntrlaffinity wrote:
I've never withheld it intentionally (not that I've had countless opportunities to), but it doesn't always occur to me that it's even an issue at an early stage.

Well it's not always a first date conversation but it absolutely has to come up before first sexy times.

unntrlaffinity wrote:
That said, it doesn't occur to me off the top of my head how you would do that. How do you guys broach the topic?
Yeah it's a little tricky and somewhat conversation dependant. If you're internet dating I've found there is usually a conversation about how internet dating has been going for you and you can usually say something about dating casually and not wanting anything serious/exclusive then.

MrDeVil909 wrote:
The dating two girls issue has cropped up for me exactly once.

I went on a date with a girl I met on a dating site, let's call her A. A couple of days later I went on a date with girl B from the same site. Girl B was quite ready to jump my bones on the first date, so I mentioned there was another girl I'd had a date with and plans for a second, so thought jumping into bed would be unfair despite being very appealing.

I never mentioned girl B to girl A because by the time sexy times cropped up with A B had decided not to pursue the relationship.

Seems like a wise approach to take for me, open when called for and not volunteering unnecessary information when it's not needed.

I think that's reasonable. If you'd feel uncomfortable having sex with one woman while dating another, then of course you should have brought it up exactly when you did. Make no mistake, though, that's a matter of YOUR comfort level. I'd tend to think that jumping into bed on the first date falls pretty squarely under the definition of "casual sex," which doesn't tend to overlap much with exclusivity unless specified otherwise.

Which is not a condemnation of casual sex, you understand. If that's what you're going for, more power to you.

Without knowing any further details of the situation, it sounds to me like Girl B was interested in some casual sex (perhaps with the option of later upgrading to a more serious relationship) and lost interest when it seemed like you took the prospect more seriously than she did. And there's nothing wrong with that, either. If she was looking for casual sex and you were looking for sex within an exclusive relationship, that's a pretty clear mismatch of goals, so it's probably for the best that things worked out as they did.

Do you lot wear cologne, perfume, or any heavily scented anything? I tend to favor mild or neutral smelling soaps, hair pomade, and shampoos, and I don't wear cologne.

I actually don't even wear deodorant. The heat or labor required to get me stinky means I'll be needing a shower either way.

Only thinking of it because I'm living out of dorm hostels right now (Australia is expensive!) and sometimes when these dudes are getting ready to go out I am one step away from gagging and coughing, the odor is so thick.

Not sure if that's just expected now when dudes go out bar hopping or clubbing, or if they're over-indulging.

I will admit ignorance when I encounter a fragrance to knowing whether or not it's a girl's natural smell or perfume that drives me crazy (in a good way).

I remember the smell of my first girlfriend's hair drove me absolutely mad. Whenever I smell something similar today I still get all lustful, and I don't even know what it was.

hbi2k wrote:

Without knowing any further details of the situation, it sounds to me like Girl B was interested in some casual sex (perhaps with the option of later upgrading to a more serious relationship) and lost interest when it seemed like you took the prospect more seriously than she did. And there's nothing wrong with that, either. If she was looking for casual sex and you were looking for sex within an exclusive relationship, that's a pretty clear mismatch of goals, so it's probably for the best that things worked out as they did.

A reasonable reading, but quite wrong. I didn't share the details preceding the first date or the follow up.

Before we had me up we had many frank phone and email conversations, she definitely wasn't after something casual and thought we were a perfect match for something serious. She actually thought my attitude to dating was a bit too casual, hence breaking it off when I said I was seeing someone else concurrently.

Girl A and I didn't last much longer, so I figured what the hell and recontacted Girl B, we went out again, did have sex that night, dated for a while, lived together for a few months and broke up in a very bitter way nearly a year to the day after that first date.

In retrospect there were many danger signs, but I was in the 'scared to die alone' stage.

unntrlaffinity wrote:

Not sure if that's just expected now when dudes go out bar hopping or clubbing, or if they're over-indulging.

I think it's preemptive. Putting on a lot of fragrance to prepare for getting sweaty while clubbing. It does tend to fade fairly quickly.

I don't think it's necessary, I wear deodorant but keep it light.

MrDeVil909 wrote:
hbi2k wrote:

Without knowing any further details of the situation, it sounds to me like Girl B was interested in some casual sex (perhaps with the option of later upgrading to a more serious relationship) and lost interest when it seemed like you took the prospect more seriously than she did. And there's nothing wrong with that, either. If she was looking for casual sex and you were looking for sex within an exclusive relationship, that's a pretty clear mismatch of goals, so it's probably for the best that things worked out as they did.

A reasonable reading, but quite wrong. I didn't share the details preceding the first date or the follow up.

Before we had me up we had many frank phone and email conversations, she definitely wasn't after something casual and thought we were a perfect match for something serious. She actually thought my attitude to dating was a bit too casual, hence breaking it off when I said I was seeing someone else concurrently.

In that case, you're absolutely right: she was very clear that she wasn't interested in dating casually, you were equally clear that you weren't ready to be exclusive. Sounds like everyone involved did the right thing.

I had a roommate that put the cologne on thick enough it flooded our entire upstairs. I asked my one roommate's girlfriend one time what she thought, as evidently there's a whole pheremones thing going, and she looked like she wanted to gag. Evidently there is such a thing as too much.

My impression of colognes and perfumes is you're meant to just dab. For a spray, I imagine a quick spritz to the pits or something and nothing more. But it seems guys just spray it on like spray paint and therefore it comes off as too strong.

I can't say for certain, though. I use my Old Spice bodywash and deoderant, and it leaves me smelling like old spice well enough.

Spritz, delay, then walk away.
Spritz cologne in front of you.
Delay to allow it to disperse slightly.
Walk through this light mist.

Cologne should only be smelled if the person is close enough to embrace.

boogle wrote:
Spritz, delay, then walk away.
Spritz cologne in front of you.
Delay to allow it to disperse slightly.
Walk through this light mist.

Cologne should only be smelled if the person is close enough to embrace.

Good and sophisticated advice here. If you don't have room to do this and need a quick pickup, spray ONCE directly on your wrist, then rub wrists together; then rub on hands, then rub on target body part. Most importantly: resist the urge to use more.

It has been suggested that women can literally smell genetic compatibility and will be attracted to the natural scents of men with whom they are more likely to have healthy offspring.

I have no idea if there's any science behind that claim, but speaking strictly from personal experience, the woman I had the longest and most successful relationship with treated my B.O. like it was fine cologne. She was always going on about how good I smelled, and I never wore cologne around her. She would literally put her nose in my armpit to get more of it, and she would pout when I took a shower because it would be a couple hours before I'd build back up to my natural level of man-musk.

Not saying you shouldn't shower-- your natural scent might smell good, but that doesn't mean much if it's overpowered by all the dirt and bacteria that stick to you when you've worked up a real sopping-wet post-workout sweat-- but don't be afraid to go natural with your scent and eschew colognes and scented deodorants. Try it out and see how it works for you.

unntrlaffinity wrote:
That said, it doesn't occur to me off the top of my head how you would do that. How do you guys broach the topic?

I think what works best for me is being overly open about everything. I might just use it as a conversation piece "So let me ask you, what is dating to you? Do you go in expecting exclusivity or is dating casual from the start?" If she seems off put by that question I'd just divulge more information about why I'm asking. If you try to tip-toe around a topic it's suspicious. If you explain your motives it's much easier.

unntrlaffinity wrote:
I actually don't even wear deodorant. The heat or labor required to get me stinky means I'll be needing a shower either way.

Are you sure you require a lot to get stinky, or is that for you to notice you're stinky? Most people can't smell their own odor unless it's really strong so they think they're fine when they actually reek.

ccesarano wrote:
I had a roommate that put the cologne on thick enough it flooded our entire upstairs. I asked my one roommate's girlfriend one time what she thought, as evidently there's a whole pheremones thing going, and she looked like she wanted to gag. Evidently there is such a thing as too much.

My impression of colognes and perfumes is you're meant to just dab. For a spray, I imagine a quick spritz to the pits or something and nothing more. But it seems guys just spray it on like spray paint and therefore it comes off as too strong.

I can't say for certain, though. I use my Old Spice bodywash and deoderant, and it leaves me smelling like old spice well enough.


I have a friend that used to do this as well(he still might). It wasn't just for going out on the town, but even when the guys were hanging out.

hbi2k wrote:
I have no idea if there's any science behind that claim, but speaking strictly from personal experience, the woman I had the longest and most successful relationship with treated my B.O. like it was fine cologne. She was always going on about how good I smelled, and I never wore cologne around her. She would literally put her nose in my armpit to get more of it, and she would pout when I took a shower because it would be a couple hours before I'd build back up to my natural level of man-musk.

How far into the relationship were you when she started doing this? I can see once you're comfortable with someone enjoying their smell that much, but it's not like you're going to go to a bar and be like "Man this guy/girl's pits smell GREAAAAT!". Unless that was just a thing she was really into. Do we have a fetish name for this yet?

hbi2k wrote:
It has been suggested that women can literally smell genetic compatibility and will be attracted to the natural scents of men with whom they are more likely to have healthy offspring.

That's potentially to do with MHC sexual selection. Although it's not just women, men do it too. This wikipredia article gives a good summary or the research, although it's really very uncritical of the science, my understanding is that most of the research is a lot less agreed upon and settled than the wikipedia article implies. Worth a read though
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Major_H...

WRT Cologne (and perfume), the only time anyone should notice you're wearing it is when they lean in to kiss you. If people can smell it at any other time you're wearing too much.

Delerat wrote:
How far into the relationship were you when she started doing this? I can see once you're comfortable with someone enjoying their smell that much, but it's not like you're going to go to a bar and be like "Man this guy/girl's pits smell GREAAAAT!". Unless that was just a thing she was really into. Do we have a fetish name for this yet? :P

(-: Well, it's the same as with cologne: it won't help you get that first kiss (if your musk is strong enough that she can smell it before the first kiss, take a shower), but if she likes it, it might get her to come back for more.

hbi2k wrote:
Not saying you shouldn't shower-- your natural scent might smell good, but that doesn't mean much if it's overpowered by all the dirt and bacteria that stick to you when you've worked up a real sopping-wet post-workout sweat-- but don't be afraid to go natural with your scent and eschew colognes and scented deodorants. Try it out and see how it works for you.

I'll have you know, I smell DELIGHTFUL.

I was just curious what the norm is. I haven't had dude roommates in years (decades?) So I've witnessed surprisingly few male mating ritual preparations.

Delerat wrote:
I think what works best for me is being overly open about everything. I might just use it as a conversation piece "So let me ask you, what is dating to you? Do you go in expecting exclusivity or is dating casual from the start?" If she seems off put by that question I'd just divulge more information about why I'm asking. If you try to tip-toe around a topic it's suspicious. If you explain your motives it's much easier.

To me, that isn't first date conversation. I generally don't know the person very well, or whether or not I even want a second date with them (or they with me), let alone how they feel about exclusivity. The problem with being overly open is, well, the overly.

If past relationships and exes naturally comes up, I'll mention that I generally don't get involved in serious relationships, and expand on that as needed. But something like "What is dating to you?" seems as premature and non-sequitur to me as "What are your feelings about anal?"

I mean, obviously the latter is more of a third date conversation.

Delerat wrote:
Are you sure you require a lot to get stinky, or is that for you to notice you're stinky? Most people can't smell their own odor unless it's really strong so they think they're fine when they actually reek.

I don't sweat profusely, and usually if I'm sweating lightly any odor will dissipate once it dries. My evidence is years and years of working in an office environment and biking to work in sub-tropical swamp weather. My co-workers weren't the type to let me slide on that.

Or since librarians are mostly ladies, maybe they were just enthralled by my manly stench. And here I thought I my para-professional rise to power was due to my work ethic.

On top of the world. What's on top of the world you ask? Why it's me

So I was right. Ophelia was interested in me and apparently has been for some time. For years even, but she did nothing because her friend liked me and she didn't want to complicate things. I'm ecstatic right now!

Shalalm Baskur!

Whoo hoo!

Also: that puts my friend's theories to a close when they claim that women "are different" and "get bored" having a crush that never comes to fruition. Which I always suspected was bollocks, but hey, there's some proof.

Delerat wrote:
On top of the world. What's on top of the world you ask? Why it's me

So I was right. Ophelia was interested in me and apparently has been for some time. For years even, but she did nothing because her friend liked me and she didn't want to complicate things. I'm ecstatic right now!

Shalalm Baskur!

Congrats dude! but quit keeping us in suspense: what Disney movie did you watch in the end?

ccesarano wrote:
Whoo hoo!

Also: that puts my friend's theories to a close when they claim that women "are different" and "get bored" having a crush that never comes to fruition. Which I always suspected was bollocks, but hey, there's some proof.


I'm happy to provide you with evidence When I asked how long she's liked me she said "Let's just consider this a resurgence". So I guess she buried it away and let herself forget. For clarification her friend who liked me has a boyfriend and has at least gotten used to the fact that I'm not interested. So that's not an issue anymore.

Falchion wrote:

Congrats dude! but quit keeping us in suspense: what Disney movie did you watch in the end?

Hahaha, Mulan. Then we watched an episode of Firefly because I'm working my way through it for the first time, and then some movie called Away We Go.

I really like Away We Go.

Delerat wrote:
Hahaha, Mulan. Then we watched an episode of Firefly because I'm working my way through it for the first time, and then some movie called Away We Go.

Ahhh, to be young and in love again.

With Firefly, I mean. That other thing is pretty cool as well. Congrats, congrats.

IMAGE(http://cdn.ifanboy.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Spider-Men_5_Panel.jpg)

Spider-man says don't date two girls at the same time.

Of course, that depends on your definition of dating. I fall in the "One date does not a relationship make" camp. Or two. Or three ...

ccesarano wrote:
Whoo hoo!

Also: that puts my friend's theories to a close when they claim that women "are different" and "get bored" having a crush that never comes to fruition. Which I always suspected was bollocks, but hey, there's some proof.

Yeah, your friend is full of crap. My girlfriend had the serious hots for me for 4 full years before anything happened.

Jonman wrote:
ccesarano wrote:
Whoo hoo!

Also: that puts my friend's theories to a close when they claim that women "are different" and "get bored" having a crush that never comes to fruition. Which I always suspected was bollocks, but hey, there's some proof.

Yeah, your friend is full of crap. My girlfriend had the serious hots for me for 4 full years before anything happened.

Yeah any time anyone says "women are like THIS and men are like THIS" they're full of crap.

LarryC wrote:
boogle wrote:
Spritz, delay, then walk away.
Spritz cologne in front of you.
Delay to allow it to disperse slightly.
Walk through this light mist.

Cologne should only be smelled if the person is close enough to embrace.

Good and sophisticated advice here. If you don't have room to do this and need a quick pickup, spray ONCE directly on your wrist, then rub wrists together; then rub on hands, then rub on target body part. Most importantly: resist the urge to use more.

+1 to Boogle's advice on that. I can't stand it when guys bathe themselves in Axe body spray and/or cologne. If I can smell you half a block away, or you make my eyes water and I can taste chemicals when you go by - you're wearing too much. Same goes for women too. It doesn't make me think about having sex with you, it makes me want to pressure-wash the inside of my mouth clean.

As for rubbing the wrists together, that's actually a mistake so far as I know. Apparently perfume and cologne have 'layers' and 'notes' and when you rub the wrists together, it destroys the layers/notes of the perfume and can make it smell wrong/less wonderful than was intended.

Of course, I was told this at a high end perfume counter while buying a b-day present for my Mum - the woman looked at me like I was the world's biggest mouth-breather for doing that and I got a lecture about how perfume works, and why rubbing your wrists together after spritzing them is almost as barbaric as chewing gum, or using the wrong fork. :S

Mimble wrote:
*Blasphemy*

Commoners these days...

Yeah, layers and notes. And I've got a bridge I'd like to sell you....

As a general rule, anyone who talks about anything except for music having "notes" is full of it. That goes for wine, coffee, cigars, whatever.