Depression is ruining my life.

@Mimble: there are many people with busted knees in Aikido, a lot of them 50+ years old. They wear special thingies on the knee that hold it in place. Have you tried those?

Meanwhile, fat shaming makes me want to hide under a rock and never face the light of day. Just saying.

sometimesdee wrote:

Meanwhile, fat shaming makes me want to hide under a rock and never face the light of day. Just saying.

What is fat shaming?

Shaming overweight people for not getting thin.

Fat shaming is awful. One of my very close friends is significantly overweight and the horror stories she tells me of the things people say to her...especially the crap they say in front of her very young daughter, makes me furious.

Perfect strangers, too - not just "well meaning" family members or friends who perhaps think they are doling out a bit of tough love in the name of being helpful (and they are SOOOO not helpful) but strangers at the grocery store and stuff, who have no idea of the medical issues behind her weight gain, or the hell she goes through - physically and mentally! - because of these issues.

Just judgemental arseholes being judgemental because...? I can't see any reason for it, really. It's just nasty.

As for the knee - I've got a knee brace thingy, but I bought it myself without the input of any sort of doctor about whether it's the right thing to buy. Not a great move, maybe. I've got to get it looked at again anyway and then see where to go from there to start building up the muscle a bit and regaining strength and full flexibility again. Aikido is something I will look into though, see what sort of impact it would have. Sword fighting is a lot of lunging and my knee says, "Nope." to that right now.

You can skip the sword fighting (Iaido) in Aikido till your knee gets better. I knew a few folks in my old dojo with terrible knees who did well in Aikido. Not everything mind you, they just did what they could without hurting themselves.

As for the knee - I've got a knee brace thingy, but I bought it myself without the input of any sort of doctor about whether it's the right thing to buy. Not a great move, maybe. I've got to get it looked at again anyway and then see where to go from there to start building up the muscle a bit and regaining strength and full flexibility again. Aikido is something I will look into though, see what sort of impact it would have. Sword fighting is a lot of lunging and my knee says, "Nope." to that right now.

Having already had one knee scoped, even a Doc would hand out a sleeve with some sort of lateral support, usually a spring going down either side. Buying one yourself allows for getting one that might be a bit swankier.

Mimble wrote:

Fat shaming is awful. One of my very close friends is significantly overweight and the horror stories she tells me of the things people say to her...especially the crap they say in front of her very young daughter, makes me furious.

Perfect strangers, too - not just "well meaning" family members or friends who perhaps think they are doling out a bit of tough love in the name of being helpful (and they are SOOOO not helpful) but strangers at the grocery store and stuff, who have no idea of the medical issues behind her weight gain, or the hell she goes through - physically and mentally! - because of these issues.

That's awful, I did a bit of searching about it but it's a complicated issue. All I can say in relation to that and working out is that it goes both ways, people who are ripped and attractive get judged immediately all the time (meathead, bimbo, etc). In an ideal world neither should happen, but in the real world - who cares?

But when it comes to whether you work out or not, it doesn't matter what other people think, it's your body. If you want to get better physically, do it for yourself, ignore everyone else's reasons(good or bad), that's all. If you don't, that's cool. But above all, be honest with yourself about what you want. If you're not happy with how you are, know that you can always improve, and doing things with your body helps the mind.

I've friends who are scared of going to work out because "they'll be judged", but it doesn't matter what other people think in there, go and do your thing on your own. It's for you. Trust me, for people at the gym you'll just be another chubby guy or girl on tuesday. If you ask, most people will be happy to help. If they don't, well they're not obligated to, learn on your own.

One of the best things to see is someone who is clearly just starting out and stumbling and wondering how you work a machine, and you see it took all their courage to get out of their funk and go to train, it means people do want to get better, mentally, and no one can hate on that.

Has anyone heard from simpilot?

Maq wrote:

Has anyone heard from simpilot?

No, nothing. I really hope he's OK.

I am so pissed at myself right now.

Two days ago we got in a fight in the morning about something that has been bothering me, and how I felt she was being cruel. She stepped back and worked through an exercise with me, forcing me to see that I'm not stupid and worthless. It helped but we got in a fight again. We decided that she needs to move out because we have been abusing each other emotionally, but we can't afford that until January. She's going to have to find a new job that is A) full time and B) doesn't rely on me for rides to work, which also means she'll have to stop volunteering at the aquarium.

Yesterday, I was feeling better, but she wasn't. I put a reminder in my phone and set it for 5:00 AM everyday, so I see it when I get up. It said to breathe and be calm, and remember that she isn't intentionally hurting me and when I make her the enemy that is the depression talking, and to remember that she is hurting also. This morning, I've been struggling, but the reminder helped. I've had to breathe slowly and be calm to avoid a panic / self-hatred attack basically all day so far, but it has been working. However, we can't get on the same schedule. Today, she is almost at the breaking point, and the stress is making her physically sick, and neither of us really have a place to go so we aren't always on top of each other.

Knowing how badly I've hurt her, how I've ignored her pain because I am in so much emotional pain, how I've acted like her pain and her feelings are invalid... it makes me sick, and makes me hate myself even more. Right now, the breathing exercise and going into fix it mode is all that's keeping me lucid. I feel helpless. I am the source of her stress, so I can't comfort her. I texted a couple of her friends and asked them to text / call her. We were going to go on a date tonight (a Yelp event, which she loves, at the new Veggie Grille downtown, which both of us love), and she was going out with friends after dinner. It was supposed to be a nice bonding experience for us. I brought an outfit with me that she likes so I could change before I left work. But now, I think I need to go to a coffee shop or something. All I can do is give her space and hope her friends get ahold of her and she can still enjoy her night. Being unable to do anything active makes me feel inadequate and unable to protect her, which is a big part of what caused all this.

I need to keep breathing. I need to have more good days. She needs a break from my mood swings. My good days are great. I enjoy them, and I feel so happy for her that she is making friends and having fun on her own. I know that anything that I perceive as cruel, is either the depression talking, or is because she is hurt also. I know that I can beat this. I know that she'll come around to me again, and we can enjoy that sweet, casual flirtiness, and passion for each other that we used to have.

On my bad days, I feel like she has been cruel and has been putting her friends ahead of our relationship, and distancing herself from me, and I hate her. But then we fight, and she tells me that she's hurt too but I refuse to see her pain and treat her feelings as meaningless because "I hurt more", and I realize oh god, she's right and I hate myself. She says that that flip flopping is doing more damage to us that anything else. On my good days we're amazing, on my bad days, I'm her abusive mother.

I feel impotent and don't know what to do.

Therapy is in 2 days, and I plan to talk to her about how I can stop seeing her as the enemy. It's not healthy, probably, but I would rather hate only myself than hate her. She doesn't deserve it, and I need her. Even from a selfish standpoint, I need not to ever hate her because then she can't support me. That's me trying to be rational. But I also need not to hate her because she deserves a happy, caring partner, not what I am right now. And I guess, because realizing how it hurts her when I hate her makes me hate myself more and I need to stop that cycle. I guess that is also rational.

Don't hate yourself for how you feel. Feeling anger and resentment when we're hurt is normal - it's part of what makes us human. Of course you're disappointed at feeling that way toward the woman you love, anyone in your position would be, but don't hate yourself for it. Self-hatred and guilt are some of the things that feed and sustain depression and the only way to treat them is forgiveness. Forgive her, and forgive yourself. You cannot change the past. You cannot undo things, you cannot unhear things, you cannot unsay things, and you cannot unfeel things but you can forgive them.

Everyone deserves a second chance, especially good people like you, Garden Ninja. You're doing the best you can in very trying circumstances, don't hate yourself for the occasional stumble.

I'd been avoiding posting for a while because everyone was worried about simpilot and he needed the attention at the moment. I hope he's okay. But I needed to get some stuff out.

spankyboy wrote:

Don't hate yourself for how you feel. Feeling anger and resentment when we're hurt is normal - it's part of what makes us human. Of course you're disappointed at feeling that way toward the woman you love, anyone in your position would be, but don't hate yourself for it. Self-hatred and guilt are some of the things that feed and sustain depression and the only way to treat them is forgiveness. Forgive her, and forgive yourself. You cannot change the past. You cannot undo things, you cannot unhear things, you cannot unsay things, and you cannot unfeel things but you can forgive them.

Everyone deserves a second chance, especially good people like you, Garden Ninja. You're doing the best you can in very trying circumstances, don't hate yourself for the occasional stumble.

I know you're right. I know that self hatred is unproductive. On my good days, I forgive her any actual cruel behavior as a defense mechanism, and recognize that the rest is not really cruel behavior, but healthy behavior that happens to trigger my feelings of inadequacy. On the bad ones, the cycle starts up again, and puts us further behind.

I can't change the past, but I can change my behaviour. She mentioned to me recently that she hates the Brain Weasels analogy because it suggests that you have no control, but they are not: they are your own negative thoughts, and you have power in how you respond to them. It's hard to respond properly all the time, since my brain is attacking itself, and I can't even articulate what I need from her, so she can't change unknowingly hurtful behavior.

I need to forgive my parents. I need to forgive my ex-wife and her parents. I need to forgive my wonderful fiance for failing to be perfect. And I need to forgive myself. Those last two are the toughest because I am around her rather often, and around myself like, basically all the time (and yeesh is that guy annoying sometimes :P).

I like your stumbling analogy, but right now it feels like I've been drooping over for the last 6 months, fell flat on my face 2 months ago, and have been stumbling as I struggle to get up since then. Occasionally I get to stand upright for a while, but I hit another rock and stumble again. It's time to walk upright again, but this path is rocky as sh*t. Maybe I need better shoes.

Hold strong until your next session Garden. Take the last two posts along with you, it will be a good jumping off point for the session.

You guys are doing it tough. From my own experience, in a very similar situation, this is the bit that we found the hardest to get through. Both in flux, and neither of us the 'solid safe ground' we were used to.

It blows, it takes some getting used to, but you're still communicating, and working on this together.

You can't ask much more of each other.

Strength and well wishes to you both.

Yeah the path is under construction but it's ok to stop and smell the roses sometimes when you need to catch your breath.

Garden Ninja wrote:

She mentioned to me recently that she hates the Brain Weasels analogy because it suggests that you have no control, but they are not: they are your own negative thoughts, and you have power in how you respond to them.

I am the proud owner of many brain weasels, I raised them from when they were very little, and (eventually) trained them to behave and play nicely. My alpha-weasel is The Perfectionist. He's prone to being very judgemental and tends to get upset when things aren't quite up to his impossibly high standards. When he gets agitated the other weasels start to play up so I have to keep a close eye on him and what he's doing. When he's good and well behaved though he helps me reach goals and improve myself. In many respects he sets the standards that I judge all my attainments against, my struggle was in getting him to be helpful rather than destructive. These days when he puts forth his opinion I ask him to justify the reasonableness of it and when he can't I get him to be quiet until he can.

Of course, perfectionism is part of my nature and it always has been. It's been the source of much pain for me all of my life and I struggle against it everyday. The weasel analogy is a neat way of visualising it in my opinion - I am a weasel herder, and those are my weasels that I have to control. In some respects it's a bit silly to look at it that way, but it seems like harmless fun and I'm sure we could all do with more of that.

Garden Ninja wrote:

I need to forgive my parents. I need to forgive my ex-wife and her parents. I need to forgive my wonderful fiance for failing to be perfect. And I need to forgive myself. Those last two are the toughest because I am around her rather often, and around myself like, basically all the time (and yeesh is that guy annoying sometimes :P).

Say what you will about that Garden Ninja bloke, but his heart is in the right place and he's still trying.

I saw sim pilot on steam at least, so maybe he just doesn't want to talk right now : )

Whew, as long as he's blowing off steam on Steam that's cool.

clover wrote:

Whew, as long as he's blowing off steam on Steam that's cool.

Exactly. I'm glad he's still around.

I feel guilty for just dropping this here. I hope it's okay, I just felt like sharing. After tomorrow, having obtained approval from both my therapist and my doctor's office, I'll be off all depression medications. I haven't been living without chemical assistance in over seven years. I had been on a very low dose of a fairly-tame SSRI until last Spring, when a nightmarish crisis with a loved one caused my PTSD reactions/symptoms to surge through like they haven't in more than a decade.

I went on a heavy-duty SSRI, and I think only the meds and my loving better half kept me from complete collapse. The drug basically shot my adrenaline-soaked brain out of the sky, where I went on to suddenly sleeping and having zombie-like states of emotional numbness. It sounds horrible, but was actually exactly what my therapist and I think I needed. I've been hypervigilant and adrenalizing through most of my life. That medication made me wonderfully chill.

However, after these many months, I want to get back my vitality, creativity and sensitivity, and I'm about to step back into the world of being without the meds. To be honest, I am prepared to go forward on to a new medication, though it would be incredible not to have to. I'm nervous, but also hopeful. I feel very blessed and fortunate that I have supportive, loving people in my life, who have been patient with me. I'm more than a handful - the therapists I've had think that the adrenaline has been cooking my brain chemicals since I was a kid.

I hope that anyone who fights the fight with depression finds the rings of support they need. GWJers have always struck me as being particularly good at that...

Good luck, Dragonfly! Remember that you have a safety cushion, should you need it again.

Mon dieu, it's like I wrote that post myself. I just flat out ran my adrenals dead, though, so it was kind of a surprise...

We should talk. Marinating young brains in cortisol does stuff to people.

Mex wrote:

I saw sim pilot on steam at least, so maybe he just doesn't want to talk right now : )

Well thank f*ck for that.

If you're reading, sim, I hope you're doing okay.

Yeah he also read the message I sent, however unhelpful it was.

Thank you, sometimesdee, and clover! I really appreciate it.

clover wrote:

Marinating young brains in cortisol does stuff to people.

I feel badly at how much of a relief it is when anyone else is familiar with this kind of experience. I don't know about you, but for me, one of my biggest problems seems to be formidable memory loss and trouble with lasting memory formation. It is extremely embarrassing, day-to-day, and can make me very anxious and nervous. I'm worried about my hippocampus, and Alzheimer's, down the road. Still, I'm trying to exercise and do things to help with that. But there have been times in my life where I wondered if I wasn't somewhat mentally retarded, or at least one of those folks others describe as "slow".

Dragonfly wrote:

... there have been times in my life where I wondered if I wasn't somewhat mentally retarded, or at least one of those folks others describe as "slow".

Good to see you here darling! And after your stellar performance with higher education (Miss All A's), we know the people who thought you slow were dead wrong.

Hugs!

Hi guys. I'm really sorry for my last message. I didn't intend for it to be read as if I was about to end my life. Let me be very clear, regardless of how bad things get I will never consider that option! I have two daughters and would never do that to them. I can't say things are really any better, but suicide is not in my mind at all. I was just thinking that if I have to dump my gaming gear to stay afloat, there's no sense in being on a gaming website. Nobody bit on my attempt to sell so I guess I am stuck with it and y'all are stuck with me.

I appreciate everyone's thinking of ways to check on my health. Certis was right in that I'm not sure how Al would have responded had he gotten a phone call from someone from a website forum he had never heard of and anyway I have since learned Al is not quite the friend I had thought he was. I guess no good deed goes unpunished after all. Regardless, thanks for at least thinking of doing something. It means a lot!

No change with work situation and my health is even worse. Multiple back surgeries mean there are tons of jobs I simply cannot do. I can't do something that would require me to stand for 8-9 hours so retail is out and that probably wouldn't pay enough to really make a difference anyway.

So the outlook is just as bleak, but it's not THAT bleak! The struggle continues.

Thanks my friends!

We wish you the best, simpilot! We're quite glad to have you here. Stay awhile and listen!

LarryC wrote:

We wish you the best, simpilot! We're quite glad to have you here. Stay awhile and listen!

I'll second that - we're really glad you're sticking around with us here in Goodjerland.

Thank you so much for sharing an update simpilot and letting us know you are safe.
Hoping things start to get better even in small steps.