Depression is ruining my life.

Maq wrote:

Also, I've noticed my face is hurting. It's my smiling muscles. They've gone unused for so long they're starting to ache from unfamiliar use.

Botox

Maq wrote:

Also, I've noticed my face is hurting. It's my smiling muscles. They've gone unused for so long they're starting to ache from unfamiliar use.

IMAGE(http://i.imgur.com/XNHUrXe.gif)

6 days and 16 hours, apologies for messing with that. One day this thread will die #liveinhope.

I think I'm drifting back into it.

There are days filled with awesome, but then it just stops dead when that particular catalyst flickers out.

Possible triggers?

Reminders. One of the guys at work is enjoying his university studies, and mid-semester break. Brought up all that crap in my mind about my deferment and those (irrational) thoughts of my own wasted opportunity (again, all out of my control, but still).

Lower back pain has returned. It's chronic, and the pain killers eat away at my digestive system that much, I'd rather the pain than the cure. f*cking motor cycle accident.

Very poor sleep duration. CPAP is all good and back in action, but that back pain means 3 hours tops before it bullies me into waking and repositioning myself. Constant interruption. I haven't dreamt in ages, and my head feels appropriately disorganised.

Exhaustion. My bones feel tired. I ache, right through to the marrow. Movement requires so much mental effort, I'm surprised I can even stand up some days. I'm limping through on 1 cup of coffee in the morning to give me energy, but it feels like I'm trying to raise the levels of the ocean by pissing in the sea.

Shifting goal posts. I've just had to cancel my therapy session I had scheduled this week, and it looks like I won't be able to reschedule for about three or four weeks, worse case, five.

I don't know, honestly, if I am slipping back into depression. Looking at that list, there is enough there to get anyone down, but I think my mind is taking advantage of me at the moment. It's a 'greater than sad' feeling with a side serve of numbing apathy, and I know that's bad. Hopefully something in my therapist's schedule pops up in the interim... Right now, I just feel like I want to cry, but I can't even be bothered to do that.

Just came out of a three week episode. Younger brother checked himself in for suicidal ideation. Of course that was after he had attempted once but the church decided he just needed to pray the devil away.

f*ck. Religion.

He is okay now and me and several of my siblings have taken steps to ensure that the loonies don't interfere again.

It hurts that much at the moment, a giant crushing ache that is dragging me down. I just can't seem to catch my breathe.

Every time I gasp for air, I do something, or something happens, that just kicks me square in the teeth as 'reward'.

I'm tired, I'm fed up, and I just can't be bothered fighting it any more.

Where's my mask gone? I need to pretend not to be me for a while.

Cuddles, bro. If you're putting on a mask, just make sure you don't also put on a yellow suit and snog Cameron Diaz, 'kay?

Edit:\ You can snog Cameron Diaz if you really want ;).

Does anyone know how you find a good psych these days aside from trial and error? Is there a good starting spot? I'm trying to find someone in my area and having trouble as I'm starting from scratch.

I was wondering a little of that myself. I'm not sure if my current therapist is a good fit for me, but I'm also not sure of what constitutes a good fit. I'm frustrated that it's been well over a month and not only will she not give me a concrete diagnosis, we haven't even started on anything like a coping skill. Meanwhile my issues are spiraling out of control and work is just getting more and more stressful by the week.

She referred me to a specialist clinic, which has been unnervingly like applying for a job. There was a phone screen, they're supposed to be discussing my phone screen at a meeting (augh!) and then they're supposed to get back to me this week with a decision. I hope this works out since I'm not sure what to do with myself.

If you find out, please let us know! Then, make millions by selling a book on how to do it!

sometimesdee wrote:

If you find out, please let us know! Then, make millions by selling a book on how to do it! ;)

I'm personally done it purely through referral so far. But I'm curious if anyone has found a reliable website, online community, etc.

DSGamer wrote:
sometimesdee wrote:

If you find out, please let us know! Then, make millions by selling a book on how to do it! ;)

I'm personally done it purely through referral so far. But I'm curious if anyone has found a reliable website, online community, etc.

Ooh! Angie's list for shrinks! We need to get on this, stat!

Would it be worth checking Yelp?

edit:\ A quick look shows they have a Counselling & Mental Health category.

I've gone through referrals from therapists that either I've had good rapport or someone else I trusted. I've specifically met with a therapist with the goal being to get a referral to another therapist. This avoids the uncomfortable business of seeing the same therapist as a friend, but still getting trusted advice.

DSGamer wrote:

Does anyone know how you find a good psych these days aside from trial and error? Is there a good starting spot? I'm trying to find someone in my area and having trouble as I'm starting from scratch.

Not sure if you mean psychologist or psychiatrist, but if you are in the US and you need a psychiatrist, look for a Nurse Practitioner. I had a ton of trouble finding a psychiatrist who didn't have a six-month wait, or who would return phone calls. I had an appointment within a week with my NP.

Hell I've just about given up hope on finding a worthwhile shrink.

I could write a book on this... I've got it down to a dark art now. I'll post later when I'm not on my phone.

Hey! Monkeyboy! I have this big manly but not too hard on the back hug lying around here. Do you know anyone who could use it?

Keep strong mate. Thinking of you here.

Thanks Floomi and Maq (and Ms Diaz, circa that movie, with those curves).

In session tomorrow at 11am. Just hoping the fingernails don't give out, the hold is tenuous at best...

It's going to be a rough session, getting worked up just thinking about it.

I know you can handle the wait until tomorrow. You will find surprising reserves of patience and comfort. Also a loud voice in Chicago yelling encouragement.

Jolly Bill wrote:

I know you can handle the wait until tomorrow. You will find surprising reserves of patience and comfort. Also a loud voice in Chicago yelling encouragement.

Bit of a punch in the gut this morning - got let go from a job I have had for almost nine years.

The depression has been okay, but my anxiety has been way up leading up to this.

Just like m0nk3yboy, I am hoping my fingernails hold out.

mortalgroove wrote:

Bit of a punch in the gut this morning - got let go from a job I have had for almost nine years.

The depression has been okay, but my anxiety has been way up leading up to this.

Just like m0nk3yboy, I am hoping my fingernails hold out.

Be the Boognish... Sorry to hear about the job man, that truly sucks. (((Hugs)))

Just a little thanks to this support group for being there over the last few months. Things are settling down for me here, I've decided to go with medication for a while and, while I had a nightmare time getting used to them with massive fatigue, dizziness, and mood swings, they've levelled out a little now and I'm finding life much easier to cope with.

The meds even managed to start working just in time to nail a job interview for a job my depressed brain had already turned down. They interviewed me anyway, I sat a test for something I'd never done before then did a presentation to the directors. I did so well they created a role for me. Apparently that test had previously made people with far more experience than me get up and walk out of the room there and then. Not sure I could have done that a couple of months ago.

So again, thanks for all your help. This is the one place I feel I can vent and for that I'm truly grateful.

Congrats on the new job, Maq! *hugs*

Congrats, Maq!

My therapy appointment today went better than previous ones. I explained about how I was feeling frustrated by not really making any progress or getting a diagnosis. She had me call a specialist clinic a week ago and I'm in processing for that, but I was having some real self-loathing that since I didn't have an "official" diagnosis I was just taking up resources from people with real problems.

She basically said she wouldn't have referred me to the specialist in the first place if she didn't think it was appropriate, and that WAS her diagnosis. Which of course makes sense, but I guess I just needed to hear it. And we talked a little bit about what treatment might be like.

So yeah, OCD therapy. This should be fun! I've been reassured that they're not going to tackle me and take my hand sanitizer, but you never know.

Glad to hear, maq and Demyx! I hope m0nk3yboy's appointment went just as well today. Sounds like a good news Wednesday!

Just checking in.

Therapy was, as it usually is for me, an awesome space to unpack and sift through the rubbish.

I just want to echo Maq's thoughts, and voice my own deep and profound appreciation for this thread. You guys are 'officially' part of my support network. Identified in session repeatedly as my 'asynchronous group therapy' I need you guys more than you'll ever know, and I am lost without you.

Grats Dymx on the therapy. Never hold back with your therapist, be more honest with them than you've been with yourself. They read more into what you disclose, get defensive about, tone of voice, etc, than you realise.

Happy Wednesday indeed.

Great news!

So does everyone do therapy on Wednesday? I'm curious, because that's my standing date as well. I really like going in the middle of the week. It lets me go through half the week, then take stock and make sure I'm not torpedoing myself. It also helps me make sure that if there are things that I am supposed to be working on, then I don't let them slide too long before acting on them.

RedJen wrote:

Great news!

So does everyone do therapy on Wednesday? I'm curious, because that's my standing date as well. I really like going in the middle of the week. It lets me go through half the week, then take stock and make sure I'm not torpedoing myself. It also helps me make sure that if there are things that I am supposed to be working on, then I don't let them slide too long before acting on them.

Hah. Seems that way

Wednesdays are the only day I don't have the kids with me, purely coincidence. Depending on my study schedule next year, it may move to Tuesday, or Wednesday morning.

Next year I'll have both in school, eldest in 1st grade (pre-primary this year), and youngest starting kindy 2.5 days a week (Monday, Tuesday, half day Wednesday). Looking forward to a bit more 'personal' time, that's for sure (even if it's just for catching up on sleep).

I could do a Monday, but my therapist only counsels Tuesday through Thursday.