Depression is ruining my life.

ianunderhill wrote:

Congrats, m0nk3yboy! Sounds like you might have somebody good working with you. Here's hoping it keeps up.

We've been working together on this for almost 2.5 years now, so she's definitely good for me, that's for sure

Bruce wrote:

It's been 20 years

That's a huge amount of time, are you sure?

I cannot offer you anything in terms of advice, as both me and my wife have had confirmed diagnosis of Depression. As it turns out, all those years I saw her as the nut bag, I was the larger head case.

I wish you the best, and if I could think of anything that might trigger depression, or depressive tendencies, it would be climbing out of that relationship. Feel free to visit/post/vent as often as you need to.

Saw the doctor today. The meds are still knocking me for 6 despite the low dose. Encouragingly, the doctor said that's usually a good sign that I'll respond well to them when I level out. Staying with it for now.

Bruce: that's tough. I can't recommend a course of action but I do know she's got to take the steps to getting better herself, you can't drag her there. Taking that first step of admitting you're ill is incredibly hard.

Jolly Bill wrote:

Demyx. Yes, tell her about this stuff. Tell her how your mind / body is dealing with both the anxiety and with how treating the anxiety is changing that. Very important stuff, and good to have them know. Good luck!

Thanks for this advice, I did do that. I think the problem was I didn't really think I had a serious problem, I kind of thought she'd just give me a few tips to deal with stress and that'd be it. Not for her to be like "yes you clearly have an anxiety disorder of some kind."

I also kind of thought when I presented my Internet Diagnosis she would just laugh it off and say not to get myself all worked up over things I read on the internet, not take it seriously and imply I could be right. I thought I was ready to hear stuff like that but when it actually happened I was pretty much like "bwah, no, you're supposed to tell me I am being silly for thinking I have that!"

She also said the flareup was normal in these circumstances and in the short term I should try to just let the symptoms be what they are. Fair enough.

Well done!

mudbunny wrote:

Just a thought here from a non-depressed person in a relationship with a non-depressed person...

Amongst the elderly, when one person in a relationship falls ill, it very often (approaching certainty) will drag the other person down with them. Does the same happen in a relationship between 2 depressed person if one is aware of their depressive state and won't do anything about it?

As a non-depressed person who has been married to a lady in the serious depths of depression (and thankfully no longer is), yes, it very much does. Even if they are trying to do something about it, they're still depressed at the time. It's hard watching someone you love suffer, it's exhausting worrying about them constantly, and it's infuriating when you can plainly see the broken cycles of thought that often come with depression, but can't do anything to interrupt them.

That was one of the worst couple of years of my life, hands-down.

Thank f*ck I've had that therapy, and a few night's sleep hooked up to my CPAP machine.

For those who avoid the random loathe thread it's been a f*cked week.

Between my wife and eldest daughter being in emergency for the last three days (wife, swollen appendix for two days, and daughter buckle fracture to right arm yesterday) I am slowly giving in to the high pitched screaming voice inside my head.

Chuck in a light sprinkling of immediate financial pressure ontop of everything else and I'm circling "brain go pop now" teritory.

I would love to curl up in a ball right now, but I need to get my arse into gear to get to work in a little over 2 hours time. Pretty much hanging on by my fingernails at the moment. I hope I can make it to bedtime without losing it, because the poor sod that cops that isn't going to know what hit them.

Anyone in my area (PDX) know a good psych? PM me if so.

Yeah, I think I'm going to avoid the random loathe thread from now on. The thing I loathe is that I'm being made to feel like I'm some insensitive piece of sh*t over there, just because I tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

sometimesdee wrote:

Yeah, I think I'm going to avoid the random loathe thread from now on. The thing I loathe is that I'm being made to feel like I'm some insensitive piece of sh*t over there, just because I tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

I totally get that. I'm made to feel like that a bunch in P&C (and elsewhere) as well. Don't let it get ya down! Take a breather, or just never go there ever again. You'll feel a lot better.

sometimesdee wrote:

Yeah, I think I'm going to avoid the random loathe thread from now on. The thing I loathe is that I'm being made to feel like I'm some insensitive piece of sh*t over there, just because I tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

Just to give you closure, and save you dipping your toe back in to that pool.

dejanzie wrote:

I didn't perceive it as insensitive. The news brought mixed feelings, but if our closest friends and family would feel like they have to hold back... that would be even worse, as I would most certainly pick up on it.

I also don't believe it was asked out of pity, and/or to become a 'placebo dad'. While I'm still truly humbled and honored, it kind of 'makes sense'. We've been close friends for over a decade, he has no brother and his dad passed away 6 years ago.

Thank you all for your support. Friday was a sh*tty day, but we're feeling much better already. Venting here, and your reaching out helped a lot. Goodjers rock and/or roll!

sometimesdee wrote:

Yeah, I think I'm going to avoid the random loathe thread from now on. The thing I loathe is that I'm being made to feel like I'm some insensitive piece of sh*t over there, just because I tried to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

((e-hugs))

Thanks again for the support.

And thanks m0nk3yboy

I was referred to a therapy program by my insurance, but they said I'd do better with an intensive outpatient program. The problems with that are manifold. 1. The programs I can find in this area seem more focused on people with dual diagnoses - mental health with either substance abuse or developmental disability, neither of which apply to me. 2. The length and intensity of such a program - I'm about to have a kid; surely that will get in the way of going to a program 3-5 times a week. It's not like I can take a newborn with me to the program. 3. I had a third reason, I swear I did. I just forget it now. I guess I also feel wary of group programs, because there's this (two-way) assumption that I'm too smart to be there. I mean, the intake lady for the initial therapy program seemed surprised that I finished high school, moreover college. I was denied disability because of my "educational background."

Overall, I'm starting to get the impression that nobody is equipped to help me, and I'm just plain screwed. People either think I don't need help, or that I need so much that they can't (or won't) do so. FML.

Deep breath and try to step back. Find out if your insurance will allow you to be evaluated by a therapist prior to signing up with a program. Unless you are a danger to yourself or others, they shouldn't have any issue with you seeking the opinion on a specialist prior to making a possibly life changing decision. You are allowed to get a second or third opinion on medical decisions. This is a medical decision, don't let your insurance company push you into something that isn't right for you just because it fits neatly into their check boxes.

Hugs!

Finding a good therapist is super hard. See above where I'm trying to find a reconmemdation for a friend (not just a euphemism). I lucked into mine. And even then I need a new one who specializes in medication. I feel bad, but we haven't yet figured out how to sort good ones from bad ones.

RedJen wrote:

Deep breath and try to step back. Find out if your insurance will allow you to be evaluated by a therapist prior to signing up with a program. Unless you are a danger to yourself or others, they shouldn't have any issue with you seeking the opinion on a specialist prior to making a possibly life changing decision. You are allowed to get a second or third opinion on medical decisions. This is a medical decision, don't let your insurance company push you into something that isn't right for you just because it fits neatly into their check boxes.

Hugs!

Eh, insurance isn't pushing me into anything. I'm mostly bitching that there really doesn't seem to be any appropriate treatment for me. They have no problem with me seeking a specialist - so long as I pay for it. Last year, they insisted that I had a $5000 deductible on mental health that I had to reach before they'd pay a dime.

Sorry for not using my typical forum name, I just need to vent a bit, and unload some stuff., and would prefer some anonymity.

I've had depression for years now, been treated for about the last 5 years or so. I'm completely stressed out and feel like I have no one to turn to. Physically, I hurt a lot of the time, I hate the way I look, and I just feel disgusting. Like I can't figure out why my wife still stays with me. We're very rarely intimate.

I have a really hard time staying focused, even being on my message. I sit at my computer sometimes and can't bring myself to load up anything because... I don't know. I just stare at the screen until my wife needs something., or my kids need something.

I worry that my kids hate me. Or that they will grow to. I don't have any strong feelings about my own family (mom /siblings/etc.), and I don't want that for my kids.

I've gotten passed over for promotions at my job, and I don't feel my career going anywhere. I just can't seem to move up,. It's an Ok job, and I'm decent at it. But I'm so burnt out on trying to get a better position. I just don't feel like there's a point in trying to move up anymore.
Ugh.

ThrowawayLogin wrote:

Sorry for not using my typical forum name, I just need to vent a bit, and unload some stuff., and would prefer some anonymity.

I don't know who you are, but you sound like you could be me from two years ago. Please, get to a therapist. I faced those feelings alone, and marinated in the uselessness and discontent until I nearly lost everything; it was a terrible time and if you can avoid it, I highly recommend that you do. An impartial ear to talk into, and occasionally hear back the echos from, can provide a level of perspective and clarity whose importance really cannot be overstated. As is so often the case, most of these problems you are facing are probably tied together, and someone who isn't connected to them can help untie the knot. You should also share your feelings with the doctor who is currently treating your depression; it sounds like some changes are needed there. Just typing out how you are feeling shows that you are doing a lot better than I was, hopefully you can come out of it as well as I have. Good luck.

Dear TaL,

I learned a few years ago that each person only has soon much energy to spend. If you happen to be prone to depression, this is doubly important to keep in mind. I realized that I had 3 major things that I was trying to do and the energy to do 2 of them well or 3 of them rather half-assed.

YMMV, but my things were a) Having a social life and not being a hermit, b) Advancing my career and c) Keeping up with a 3 bedroom single family house on my own. Once I identified that I could only do 2 at a time successfully, I was able to weigh the options and in the interest of being happier with myself, I worked with my counselor and started a plan to get me where I wanted to be. I needed to have a social life and I wanted an interesting career, but in order to do that, I'd have to find a way to get out from under the responsibility of owning a home where I was the maintenance man.

My next step was to give myself permission to stop pushing at work and just do my job as I worked through the process of prepping & selling my house and buying a lower maintenance townhouse. This let me stop feeling guilty about not being a star at work and let me do my job, so when I got home, I was able to tackle the things that needed to be done.

I eventually got to the point where I am now able to put energy into my social life and am once again looking for challenges in my career.

(TL;DR) I found the process of identifying & sizing the problem (my dissatisfaction/grumpiness/personal dumps) into smaller chunks and then working to identify what chunks I could affect, made them easier to deal with and in some cases tolerate for finite periods of time as long as I knew that I was working toward something better. I could keep going if I knew what the end goal was.

If you have been working with the same person on your depression, you may want to consider asking for a referral to someone else in order to get a fresh perspective. When I realized I was in danger of becoming a hermit, I asked the counselor I was seeing if he could recommend someone who could help me focus on starting/growing/maintaining interpersonal relationships. He was a huge help & a giant piece of how I found my current counselor. I had just outgrown where our working relationship could take me and his first suggestion turned out to be a great fit for me.

I'm not going to suggest you buck up. I will say check your support, I bet your wife and family know you are tired. I'm also willing to bet that your wife would really like to know what she could do to help take some of the burden off your shoulders at least to give you a chance to try and catch your breath.

I know it is hard to do anything when you are exhausted, but unfortunately you may have to at least choose a destination in order to steer out of your current situation.

Best wishes and if you ever want to talk, I can listen too.
RJ

RedJen wrote:

I learned a few years ago that each person only has soon much energy to spend.

I agree wholeheartedly. If your loved ones don't understand, have them read The Spoon Theory. Long story short, you have a finite amount of energy, so you have to choose wisely. However, like Jen said, you can work on building up your capacity for energy, so you can eventually be able to do more.

TaL, I personally found that feeling of numb apathy the most debilitating part of my own depression.

You know you should be doing something, but nothing in the world is going to make you do it. You know this, and just start getting madder at yourself for your own inactivity. This compounds the issue, and bam, the numb apathy creeps up a notch until you're sitting at home, doing nothing, just waiting for the world to end so you can at least get some release from the situation.

*rinse, repeat, regret*

I feel for you, because it sucks where you are right now. You've been living with diagnosed depression for 5 years, and that's a tough gig too, who knows how long you had it before the diagnosis? Red Jen is right, you need to find a new beacon, so you can at least change direction.

I'm not sure what your current treatment is, as you did not mention that in the original post, but maybe that needs a shake up too? If it's not as effective after 5 years, you may need to hit F5 and try something new. That alone could be your starting beacon. Baby steps, that sort of thing.

Go to it, best of luck, and (((hugs))).

1.30AM, can't sleep, too much stuff in my head, and I'm too tired to block it out effectively to sleep. I'll then be even more tired tomorrow! f*cking vicious cycle.

f*ck you brain, STFU!...

Going to see if some white noise can settle things down a bit.

TaL, the insidious power of depression is that it makes you feel worthless, unloved, unlovable. But you're none of those things.

Not looking forward to these next four days at all.

My wife is under a lot of stress at work, she is quick to temper, she has decided the Prozac that was helping (from an external POV) isn't working for her and has stopped taking it, and she is raging with hormones (PMS) which is making it very difficult to try and gauge mood and response.

She never had really bad PMS, but after our second child someone suggested a Mirena(?) device for birth control, and it just messed her hormones up BIG time. Even offers of help get distorted into criticism.

I worry about her a lot, but she won't listen to me. It frustrates and saddens me because she deserves some joy in her life, but at present, that just seems to be an 'oil and water' proposition.

EDIT:

It f*cking sucks to be right. f*ck the world right now. Seriously.

Ugh, that sucks monkeyboy. I hated hormone based birth control and had to fight my doc to get the non-hormonal IUD (Paraguard). They really like to push mirena on people instead. She probably won't be receptive to the idea of changing that right now, but if she is I really recommend it. In the meantime, internet ((hugs)).

Yellek wrote:

Ugh, that sucks monkeyboy. I hated hormone based birth control and had to fight my doc to get the non-hormonal IUD (Paraguard). They really like to push mirena on people instead. She probably won't be receptive to the idea of changing that right now, but if she is I really recommend it. In the meantime, internet ((hugs)).

That's the sucky thing, it came out over 12 months ago (or more), but the crazies remained...

I'm just not in a good head space right now. All the crap that went down last week with half the family in emergency rooms, lack of effective CPAP due to an Autumn head cold, and now this.

If it all disappeared tomorrow, I wouldn't mind right now. It won't, but the idea is beyond appealing.

Thanks for the ((hugs)), appreciate 'em

Ugh, that's why I went with Paragard*. Yes, it means heavier periods, and more cramping, but at least there are no hormones to frak with your emotions. It also lasts for 10-12 years, as opposed to the 4-5 for Mirena.

Ugh, I just read that the Paragard came out a year ago. Is she on any other hormonal BC right now that could be messing with stuff?

Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do about other folks. Now, about you. Is it possible for you to get a mask attachment for your CPAP? When I actually used mine, I was able to get a new attachment every X months, so I had both the nasal cannula and the full mask.

Head colds frakking suck. Absurddoctor gave me his, and my preggo arse can't take much for it. On top of that, he's snoring like hell (due to said cold), so I can't get more than about 3 hours of sleep at a time, which, as we all know, isn't good for depression one bit.

While every situation is unique, you're not alone. ((hug))

[size=8]*No, the SometimesAbsurd baby isn't a Paragard malfunction; we had it removed. Temporary insanity on my part.[/size]

The main reason we even went with Mirena is my wife gets RIDICULOUSLY heavy periods. We were told, only half jokingly, that anything else might require a transfusion.

I didn't even know it was a birth control device until much later, I thought it was purely something to help her out with the blood loss (she's hyper anemic too).

This morning seems better for her, so I am jockeying the kids and we've convinced her to head out and get some retail therapy with a loyalty voucher we received in the mail. Not the most responsible allocation of funds right now, but it worked, so I'm seeing that as a possible investment, with future returns. She's out buying some stuff she needs, and we've got some quiet time in the house.

CPAP, I 'can' get a full face mask, but it looks like I'm up for another $300 to get one. At first I thought it was a little over the top, given how rarely you get head colds/sinus issues, but a week without it... I forgot how bad it was to drop off to sleep/pass out as soon as you stopped moving, or how you could drink ALL the coffee, and red bull, and any other energy drink, and still feel exhausted to the core. Every cell of my brain feels wrung out.

I managed 6 hours with it on last night, and now I only feel wrecked instead of desimmated (seriously not hyperbole). I'll call the sleep clinic on Tuesday when they open again and see if I can trial/get fitted for a full face unit, and if they have guidelines for longterm storage with intermittent usage. I'd hate to use it this winter, then find it was knackered come next. I received a healthy tax refund this year so I'm sure I can divert a bit of this in that direction (seems there was a silver lining to finding no work in the first half of 2012).

Thanks again, and best of luck with that head cold. I remember my wife's frustration with bugs, sniffles and flus during pregnancy too.

Some good news: the meds are levelling out and I'm starting to feel the benefits. I just scored a critical success on a job interview for an excellent new opportunity. Getting a job has been a massive source of immediate stress and finding a way to transition out of IT systems administration has been a big cloud over my head for years. Being able to approach job interviews with some optimism and self confidence was a major impetus to starting medication in the first place so this is a huge success. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.

Also, I've noticed my face is hurting. It's my smiling muscles. They've gone unused for so long they're starting to ache from unfamiliar use.

Maq wrote:

Also, I've noticed my face is hurting. It's my smiling muscles. They've gone unused for so long they're starting to ache from unfamiliar use.

Feel the burn! Hope they keep getting a workout, congrats mate!