Depression is ruining my life.

Adult friendships are hard.

Adult friendships as an introvert are even harder.

Amoebic, your thoughts in the spoiler block are very, very similar to the flavors of depression and anxiety my spouse has struggled with all their life, so I am very, very familiar with how painful and lonely it can be during times when those feelings become overwhelming, and I'm brought to tears with sorrow to hear that you are experiencing that right now.

Twenty five years of trying my best to be a good partner to them has taught me that it may be small comfort to hear things like this right now, but all those parts of who you are that are tied up in your struggles to connect with people around you are also things that make you a wonderful, special person that brings light and joy and happiness to the people who do have the privilege of knowing you, and I can tell you from deep, personal experience that they love you and care about you and want you in their lives so much more than you might be able to feel right now.

Hang in there, talk to the people you care about as much as you can given the circumstances (I bet they either already understand or deeply want to), and know that the large community of internet friends and extended parasocial family that you pour so much of your time and effort and energy into building and cultivating also love you and deeply appreciate everything you do for us. For whatever comfort it might provide, we are all out here rooting for you to find your way through and feel better.

I offer my intercontinental hugs, Amoebic. I kind of admire you, and aspire to one day be as kind, thoughtful and strong as my Internet CEO. Please lean on us until you find your balance again, without any guilt nor second thought.

Hey Moebs, I see a lot of myself in what you've written, to the point where I could have almost said most of it myself. I wish I had more to offer than this, but just wanted to say that you're not alone and I kind of understand. My recent post history may shed some light on that...

Regardless, you are extremely well loved here. And it's for no reason other than you just being you! You are who you are and this whole damn community loves you for it - each of us unique individuals from across the whole damn planet.

And please note, not just to you specifically, but to anyone here that's struggling - my DM's are always open and I'm always happy to talk.

(((((((Amoebic)))))))

Now is super crazy hard. Thank you for sharing. I resonate with so much in your spoiler.

CONTENT WARNING: Surgery, near-death experiences, internal bleeding.

My wife and I have been married for 22 years but that might end today. She and I have been through a lot. She is better than she's ever been, both physically and mentally. She's one hundred times more confident and fit than when I first met her (she teaches yoga these days).

All this and I still might leave this relationship. I might do it automatically regardless how I feel.

Spoiler:

She and I are not in a good place. She might be in a good place. I'm not. When she gets upset, thanks to her anxiety, I get upset. Like really upset. I can't help myself. I don't do anything physical by the way. I don't lash out. I just get quiet. (She's aware of this particular problem of mine btw)

Bad Times...

A lot of my darkest moments have been with her. She and I have had several PTSD-inducing events during our time together.

During a long month, years ago, at our home in Newfoundland, her heart began to beat irregularly. Thanks to her artificial heart valve, I could hear the out-of-sync ticking of the heartbeat. Sometimes it would stop ticking all together for one to two seconds. Those moments of silence were hell. Would it beat again? And this went on for a month. We sought medical advice but were waved off by inexperienced medical personnel.

Later, doing what was later described by her cardiologist as a bad idea, she took a flight to Sudbury, ON, to see her family. It was then her aorta began to split. She was flown to Toronto, Ontario to a cardiac center for surgery. When I got word, I flew from Newfoundland to Toronto, to sit in the hospital. I waited for 12 hours to find out if she was dead or alive.

During surgery, when they opened her chest her aorta ruptured. They managed to remove a portion of the damaged tube and replace the tissue with an artificial substitute. After surgery, her sister and I visited her in post-op care. It was a like a scene from the film Coma (1978). My wife was artifically paralyzed and put under a suspended heated material until her wounds healed more. When I touched my wife's hand it was like touching a corpse that was still warm.

Another traumatizing time was when she had a mental health episode. When we visited the doctor she crawled into my lap. I was lost as to what to do. (We eventually solved this issue).

Another time was when we were on vacation. A cist on one of her ovaries burst. She bled internally for several hours before we realized what was wrong. She passed out in a bathroom and when she fell her forehead smashed a chunk off a toilet bowl. This cut on her face barely bled. When I found her I called 911. She was sitting up but all she wanted to do was lay down. I was afraid of her falling asleep so I made her sit up (apparently the wrong thing to do). Her face was bone white. Never seen anything like it outside of a movie. The paramedics came and we got her to the hospital in the middle of the night. I waited, alone this time, in the literally dark waiting room (couldn't get the lights to work) for seven to eight hours? I eventually found one of the surgeons, who was on their way home. She told me my wife was still alive and I could see her soon.

These are most of the physical issues that have come up during our time together. They might have something to do with how I reacted to her stress today.

Family Problems...

Her mother makes her upset. She willingly spends an afternoon with her mother, has a bad time, comes home and I hear all about it. This has been going on for two decades. She has the same issues, the same problems and the same reactions with her mom. I give her advice and sometimes tell her I don't want to hear it but she tells me she has no one to talk to about it. Which makes me more upset.

During these times my body screams at me. I go black. I'm so stressed out I want to walk outside, keep walking and never come back. And I might just do that. Is this my automatic response to extreme stress?

The last time I felt this way, I was a reporter. I quit a journalist position after working it for seven years. I spent 32-hour days back-to-back in that job. I was burnt out and resentful. After the last resource cut, I told my editor I was done. It wasn't even a hard decision. I didn't even make it consciously. Some self-defense mechanism of mine spoke the words for me. It was like I was on auto-pilot and I was just watching it all play out.

I've experienced this out-of-body event several times in my life. No thoughts, no diagnosis, just an immediate reaction.

Years before the reporter job, I worked for an evil telemarketing company. Just straight up scumbags. I sold costly credit score improvements to bankrupted and broke American seniors. Did that sh*t for two years until, one day, I just stood up and walked out of that building like a robot. I was almost unaware of what I was doing. My body didn't give a sh*t what I would later think. It just made up it's own damn mind and took me away from something that was harmful.

Another out-of-body reaction was when I was out for a walk. I saw this kid, who appeared to be in danger of a jeep backing up and running him over. The kid was not behind the jeep but he could take one step and then be in danger. For some reason a part of me would not tolerate even the risk of it. I ran over, yelled to the driver and got between the kid and the vehicle, preventing the kid from getting behind the machine. While everything turned out fine I was still stunned how I reacted. A part of me just took over. I was not in control.

Where I Am Right Now...

I've told my wife recently, she and I are not in this marriage for the sake of it. We should have no obligation to the idea. We are together because we want to be together. I've told her about my responses to things I find stressful.

So if my wife comes home today and complains about her mother I might just ask for a divorce. I'll say those words and mean them no matter how she or I feel either now or later. If this happens, I'll realize my body has had enough. I've had enough. This will be an automatic response.

Will I be emotionally devastated? Yes. Will she? Yes. Will some part of me drag me through it no matter how I feel? Yes. It won't be will or wisdom doing the work though. It'll be that mechanism again. The one that says, "You're done Shannon."

Posting this to say I made some edits and additions to my previous post. A better but longer attempt to explain.

It sounds like you both need other outlets. The fact that it seems you both have no one else to talk to is a big problem. It could be amplified because of the pandemic but it sounds like it has been there for a while.

There also seems like there needs to be joined activities that are positive. It can be really easy to unload on each other every time you get together. All you are doing is reinforcing the negative and the positives get more and more distant. And it also sounds like your wife's mother has isolated herself too. ( a lot of us have lost family members and long time friends because of the idiotic politics of this pandemic)

I will also say that you have touched on some things I am struggling with in my marriage of 16+ years. My wife has gained weight and has poor eating habits. She also has been drinking a lot which is bad enough on its own but also triggers some uncomfortable moments with my sister in high school and college.

She constantly complains about work to the point of times where I don't feel I have room to be upset about terrible things that happen to me.

I often get terribly irritated when she asks me to do stuff. Its not one or two things, its a list of three, and then another and another. I may be trying to rationalize it but sometimes I feel she does it to make sure I still love her.

She is able bodied now but I know I am 52 and noticing my decline so I fear for the times when I have to watch her declining. (amplified by drinking, etc.)

But at the end of it all, she is my wife and the mother of my fur baby. Also, re: fur baby, dogs are amazing for coping. Dog walks are incredibly therapeutic too.

I would talk to someone before jumping into divorce. That cure will more than likely be worse than the illness at the root of your relationship.

Strange I don't have many answers for you. But it does sound like your wife needs therapy to deal with her mother issues. I've had some problems there and been working through a lot of stuff this past year, setting boundaries with my mother, especially concerning my kids. It's slowly getting better. But it's definitely not my wife's problem and I would never put it on her.

Hopefully you could sell it as getting some help for herself, not as "I don't want to hear about your mom anymore"

fangblackbone wrote:

It sounds like you both need other outlets. The fact that it seems you both have no one else to talk to is a big problem. It could be amplified because of the pandemic but it sounds like it has been there for a while.

There also seems like there needs to be joined activities that are positive. It can be really easy to unload on each other every time you get together. All you are doing is reinforcing the negative and the positives get more and more distant. And it also sounds like your wife's mother has isolated herself too. ( a lot of us have lost family members and long time friends because of the idiotic politics of this pandemic)

I will also say that you have touched on some things I am struggling with in my marriage of 16+ years. My wife has gained weight and has poor eating habits. She also has been drinking a lot which is bad enough on its own but also triggers some uncomfortable moments with my sister in high school and college.

She constantly complains about work to the point of times where I don't feel I have room to be upset about terrible things that happen to me.

I often get terribly irritated when she asks me to do stuff. Its not one or two things, its a list of three, and then another and another. I may be trying to rationalize it but sometimes I feel she does it to make sure I still love her.

She is able bodied now but I know I am 52 and noticing my decline so I fear for the times when I have to watch her declining. (amplified by drinking, etc.)

But at the end of it all, she is my wife and the mother of my fur baby. Also, re: fur baby, dogs are amazing for coping. Dog walks are incredibly therapeutic too.

I would talk to someone before jumping into divorce. That cure will more than likely be worse than the illness at the root of your relationship.

Just talking about this here has done me some good. So, thank you for your story and response. It is appreciated.

Stele wrote:

Strange I don't have many answers for you. But it does sound like your wife needs therapy to deal with her mother issues. I've had some problems there and been working through a lot of stuff this past year, setting boundaries with my mother, especially concerning my kids. It's slowly getting better. But it's definitely not my wife's problem and I would never put it on her.

Hopefully you could sell it as getting some help for herself, not as "I don't want to hear about your mom anymore" ;)

Hmm. Thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

Just talking about this here has done me some good. So, thank you for your story and response. It is appreciated.

That is good to hear. We/I aren't professionals so if we come across like we blame you or are unsympathetic, know that is the furthest thing from our/my intent.

Also, I hope I didn't come across as making your situation about me. I was trying to relate and let you know you are definitely not alone.

Yeah every situation is different, we are not doctors, therapists, etc. But just trying to help with what we can and be here to listen

Everyone wrote good things. Ill say more about them later.

Just got fired today from a job i liked. Cried a bit in my car. I was told from a union rep this decision came down from far above my manager.

I still asked what was the reason for termination and I was told a reason could not be given for whatever reason.

EDIT: Ah, now I'm home with my keyboard and my ability to type 50 WPM.

I was on week two (three?) of my three-month probation. Then I wasn't. I was called into an office where my manager told me my probation period had ended as of today. No reason could be given.

WILD THEORY ALERT:

I assume some C-suite ex f*cked up, made a $10 million blunder and now savings have to be found. So why not make a cut to a successful divison which can survive said cut. It's not like this hasn't happened before. Ughhhhhhh. These are the risks of working for large entities.

fangblackbone - You will be hunted down and given warm feelings and happy thoughts for your kind words.

Stele - You helpful-advice giving monster trying to help others with your help. How dare you respond with what I needed to hear (read?). Thanks! (seriously, thanks!)

That's a shame, Strangeblades. Remember the labor market is hot right now. Hopefully that includes your field and you can find something soon. Does the union have services to help you find a new job?

Robear wrote:

That's a shame, Strangeblades. Remember the labor market is hot right now. Hopefully that includes your field and you can find something soon. Does the union have services to help you find a new job?

Didn't make it into union. And yes the labor market is hot right now, especially for experienced DZ drivers who are happy to do labor work.

Always good to have a reason to be positive! May you have a happy holiday and good fortune job-hunting!

First things first, Amoebic you're in our circle, hope you are going well.

fangblackbone wrote:

Do you repel or attract? Both?

I do both, for a long time I'd attract then somehow drive then away, or drive them away and have them drawn back. Like a mixer full of magnets.

My wife sent me to the ED last night due to my mental health. I really hate that my kids saw me breaking down too. I guess it's probably a good thing that my wife now understands exactly how dark the thoughts in my head are. I didn't really want her to because I was worried about how much it would scare her, but now that it's all happened, I think it might just help her support me better. Regardless, can't get much worse than this, only way is up, right?

Yes. It's important for those around you to understand what's going on, so they *can* be fully supportive. Just like if you'd broken your leg and needed help getting around.

There is great help available and I hope you can find some that fits your needs. We're here to talk, and support, but the pros, they have all *kinds* of useful tools for you.

This does not make you a bad person, or someone who should be shunned or is unworthy of love. It just makes you different. Like we here have our own differences and weights to bear. But you can learn to adjust, and not let it overwhelm you, whether it's through medication or therapy or whatever. You've taken a good first step. Build on it at your own pace but understand, you are not a bad person.

It'll take work, but if you keep at it, you'll find a new, better balance in your life, and you'll be stronger for it.

Forgive me for asking, but what is ED?

It's a non-North-American-English-speaking term for the emergency room. It stands for Emergency Department.

Thanks Robear. Doing my best to just focus on the family right now. I was expecting things to be more rough with my wife, but she's just been incredibly supportive. Amazing woman, don't know how she manages it.

I've also been referred to a bunch of different professional options, which does a lot to feel supported.

Edit - NSMike got in first. I'll add that to the list of terms to remember to account for online haha.

NSMike wrote:

It's a non-North-American-English-speaking term for the emergency room. It stands for Emergency Department.

I've heard ER, Emergency Ward, but not ED.