Depression is ruining my life.

imbiginjapan wrote:

My wifeis currently in ER Triage for suicidal ideation. Not sure what else to say. Please send positive thoughts.

IMAGE(https://emojipedia-us.s3.dualstack.us-west-1.amazonaws.com/thumbs/240/google/313/mending-heart_2764-fe0f-200d-1fa79.png)

imbiginjapan, positive vibes sent your way. Stay strong, your wife needs you. Hopefully she's on the way to getting quality, caring help.

Sending positive thoughts your way Imbiginjapan!

My wife was discharged yesterday. Overall the care at Mclean was excellent, though the holiday meant some reduction of services for a couple days. We have some work to do in terms of skill training and finding a good balance in life. Thank you all for the kind thoughts, I know you all mean it sincerely because this community is so great... can't say that about many places on the web, so thank you.

Hoping for the best for the both of you

Glad you've got some forward momentum, all the best!

Content warning for suicide, hence spoiler. Not for me, but my mind is a bit of a mess and I need an outlet.

Spoiler:

Word went through the grapevine and eventually reached me - someone I was super-close to, even lived with about 10 years ago, recently died. We drifted apart back then, and last contact was on not-so-great terms. Not bad terms, but nowhere near the closeness we had. We're still trying to piece it together, but she almost definitely died by suicide.

She helped me through some really tough times. I wish I could have helped her through hers. Maybe I did? I tried, at least.
Life was very hard for her. I'm glad she's at peace, at least.

imbiginjapan wrote:

My wife was discharged yesterday. Overall the care at Mclean was excellent, though the holiday meant some reduction of services for a couple days. We have some work to do in terms of skill training and finding a good balance in life. Thank you all for the kind thoughts, I know you all mean it sincerely because this community is so great... can't say that about many places on the web, so thank you.

I'm very happy to hear this. I wish you both the best going forward.
And yeah, I agree, we have a very uniquely amazing, supportive community here!

That's awful, halfway. Take care of yourself.

I'm having a really hard time as of late, and need to rant a bit. I'm changing jobs, and am really looking forward to working there - for the first time in years. It's been public since Wednesday now, and my colleague's reactions have been nothing but heartwarming. It feels great that in the 8 months I have worked here I made some genuine connections with my coworkers. But the stress during the entire process weighed on me.

Last December our daughter's classes were open/closed on and off, which meant taking it day by day or hour by hour sometimes. Things have been better in that regard, so on the advice of my therapist I proposed to my friends group to get together on 3 dates as a backup, because I miss them and need those connections.

I sent an email a week ago, saying just that and that I fully understand if anyone still feels uncomfortable getting together. I closed off by saying the unvaxxed are not welcome, which got an immediate reply from an unvaxxed "friend". I apologized for my tone after a sleepless night, that "friend" replied he understands and respects anyone who feels uncomfortable.

I spoke with a few friends, half of them said they are glad they now know only vaxxed people will be there, the other half that they didn't reply because they didn't want to choose sides basically - even after my apologies and clarifications. As if remaining silent isn't "picking a side", as if it was about picking sides anyway.

I made so much effort, mailing, calling, fretting over whether I did the right thing, and still I get almost no replies now. Even after they read, as the antivaxxer re-added the group after my private mail (which I don't mind), that I had sleepless nights after the kerfuffle. Even after I spoke with some of them directly, reached out, explained everything again, listened and learned. I know people are hurting, but so am I, and absolutely nobody checked in with me to see how I am doing, thanked me for my efforts, and some don't even have the decency to reply to decline the invitation.

When I look back on the last 2 years, it's been the same. I made efforts to reach out, but got only one or two calls from my friends. Attempts to meet up fizzled out on the first bump on their side.

I feel like I'm expected to be absolutely perfect in how I communicate, make all the effort, and get nothing in return. I feel like crying but am unable to for some reason. I'm hurting, and feel like I have no real friends. Which is not true, I have fewer friends than I thought and there never was a group, but it sure feels that way.

I’m going to say that’s it’s just likely you’ve fallen out of each other’s circles. Changing priorities, interests, beliefs etc. Nothing to do with your communication or relationship management. As someone who’s no longer really in touch with any of my old friends, it does suck. Depending on your situation you can either just let it be, prioritize maintaining connections with those friends who are clearly reciprocating, or seek out new ones.

It will be all of the above, I need time to recalibrate but will get there. It is what it is, what it is just sucks.

I will never criticize anyone taking a hardline stance vis-à-vis the unvaxxed, especially now, so I think you're perfectly in the right there. As for friendships and connections, I think the pandemic really took its toll in that way. Now, I'm not on social media, but my career imploded because of the pandemic, and as I've taken stock of things, there are a lot of collegial relationships that I've just let drop, for various reasons. I'm sure others are doing the same. I've also reached out to some old friends and contacts who for whatever reason haven't gotten back to me. I think there's a big social reassessment going on, and if maintaining a certain relationship takes any work or effort beyond the normal, some might let the contact go. Again, this is totally anecdotal on my part, but with the stress and daily wear and tear, most of us only have so much energy to reach out and repair/reconnect. Add to that the issues of who can meet up where safely, and here we are.

dejanzie wrote:

I'm having a really hard time as of late, and need to rant a bit. I'm changing jobs, and am really looking forward to working there - for the first time in years. It's been public since Wednesday now, and my colleague's reactions have been nothing but heartwarming. It feels great that in the 8 months I have worked here I made some genuine connections with my coworkers. But the stress during the entire process weighed on me.

Congratulations on a new job!

dejanzie wrote:

I feel like I'm expected to be absolutely perfect in how I communicate, make all the effort, and get nothing in return.

Others have commented about this... I would like to put a positive spin. You have more time to make friends who attempt to hear what you were TRYING to say and make the effort to keep the friendship alive.

If helpful, I've found that all this has clarified, for me, who is selfish and who is not and I take great comfort in this new info.

I thought about deleting my post, as the self-pity phase is part of my process but I usually keep that private

I made the mistake of clinging to an illusion of a friends group that might have never really existed, and paradoxically being open about missing my friends might have made some hesitant to answer, That's on me.

But I do feel that some have been (unintentionally) disrespectful and that hurts. I've been on the other side, seeing friendships fade out because life gets in the way. But I would never ghost people I care about and respect, even if I might not have the space in my life to engage. Especially since everyone got a glimpse of how it all affected me.

Or to put it more succinctly:

Top_Shelf wrote:

If helpful, I've found that all this has clarified, for me, who is selfish and who is not and I take great comfort in this new info.

It's worth remembering that others are going through hard times right now too. Perhaps the group friendship has faded into the background because of all the other stuff going on that is more immediate to them.

Robear wrote:

It's worth remembering that others are going through hard times right now too. Perhaps the group friendship has faded into the background because of all the other stuff going on that is more immediate to them.

^This. I am totally someone who needs the Dalai Lama's famous quote drilled into my thick and empty skull: "Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible."

dejanzie wrote:

When I look back on the last 2 years, it's been the same. I made efforts to reach out, but got only one or two calls from my friends. Attempts to meet up fizzled out on the first bump on their side.

I feel like I'm expected to be absolutely perfect in how I communicate, make all the effort, and get nothing in return. I feel like crying but am unable to for some reason. I'm hurting, and feel like I have no real friends. Which is not true, I have fewer friends than I thought and there never was a group, but it sure feels that way.

I really relate to this. I technically have several "friends" but I don't communicate with them other than liking their Instagram posts or texting over the holidays. I never actually see them, much less relate to them. My wife is always reminding me of this, that I need to socialize more.

This is just a fist bump to all of you out there that are living in this current age where we follow lots of "friends" but don't actually feel like we have anyone to count on when it matters.

I know I would benefit from more social contacts but, with work and family commitments, I literally don’t have the time or energy to pursue them. I try not to be too down on myself about it.

Mr GT Chris wrote:

I know I would benefit from more social contacts but, with work and family commitments, I literally don’t have the time or energy to pursue them. I try not to be too down on myself about it.

Don't be.

I know I might have implied otherwise in my first post, but I don't blame anyone for not having the space for socializing. Being the only one of two friends in the group who reach out occasionally, I do struggle with feelings like "do they even want to talk to me" or "are they just indulging me". There's a certain vulnerability in saying you want to meet up, like a mild version of telling your crush about your feelings. But please don't take it as an attack on anyone who's struggling.

If anyone should reach out to you but you don't feel up to it, please thank them for their efforts and just be honest. It goes a really long way.

Montalban wrote:
dejanzie wrote:

When I look back on the last 2 years, it's been the same. I made efforts to reach out, but got only one or two calls from my friends. Attempts to meet up fizzled out on the first bump on their side.

I feel like I'm expected to be absolutely perfect in how I communicate, make all the effort, and get nothing in return. I feel like crying but am unable to for some reason. I'm hurting, and feel like I have no real friends. Which is not true, I have fewer friends than I thought and there never was a group, but it sure feels that way.

I really relate to this. I technically have several "friends" but I don't communicate with them other than liking their Instagram posts or texting over the holidays. I never actually see them, much less relate to them. My wife is always reminding me of this, that I need to socialize more.

This is just a fist bump to all of you out there that are living in this current age where we follow lots of "friends" but don't actually feel like we have anyone to count on when it matters.

IMAGE(https://media.giphy.com/media/qMhrv5v0WWYRG/giphy.gif)

One of my 2021 Resolutions was to reach out to a friend on a weekly basis. A common thread was how my friends/family would say "I'm really not good at phone calls" to which I would reply "dude, we just chatted for an hour". Picking up the phone is the hardest part, I usually open with "hey, just checking in" and let it flow from there. It's almost always energizing, after that first bump.

But that is again by no means meant as a to-do list for anyone, I get how we are all struggling. For me, I just need to focus more on the people who actually want my help and friendship.

Ever wonder if psychiatrists overdiagnose? I'm beginning to wonder, unless there are more all encompassing categories and some diagnose what symptom they see or hear at the time they see you? Now it seems to go along with serotonin deficiency I don't get enough dopamine and do (and have done) stupid sh*t to get that needed high. I don't get it. Did my older brothers clear the shelves and by the time I got to the chemical cupboard in my mom's womb, they were bare? I know they stole most of the practical intelligence from said cupboard.

I knew I shoulda made that left turn at Albuquerque.

You can always get a second opinion, if you are worried. Often, though, the meds will deal with multiple issues at the base. I get it; getting used to treatment can cause severe anxiety. I’ve been there. It settled down for me, hopefully you’ll find the correct solution without too much weirdness hitting you.

I’ve definitely been happier since moving to a different psychiatrist. Meds have changed, and they used GeneSight testing to help identity which medications should work-as-directed, and others that are more likely to be wrong for me. Some of the ones I’m supposed to be ok with have had side effects that made me require changing to a different one.

One thing I don’t miss is the, “well, let’s slowly get off this one med and get onto another…”, which feels like it takes forever, especially if who you’re seeing seems to be making educated guesses, at best (my last psychiatrist).

Never feel bad switching psychologists. Some are just not good fits. My first one was trying to treat me for drinking too much without picking up that I was actually bipolar.

Well this would be my.. ummm... 3rd psychiatrist. I think that's the mental hat trick.

In 1997 I left Albuquerque, New Mexico--which I loved--to go back to Cincinnati, Ohio because I was finally going to start college (graduated high school in 1990). And because, expecting that I'd be there for the four years of an undergrad education, I wanted to be closer to my best friend. It didn't pan out.

Fast forward through more life events over the following 20-some-odd years and that friend and I are in kind-of-regular contact with each other over Signal. I'm back out West, finally, and he's still in Ohio, but while I was still back there we got together a couple of times. It's been really nice rekindling that connection.

Counterpoint: a friend I made at an employer some years ago, with whom I formed a pretty close bond, seems has all but given up on maintaining any kind of ongoing friendship. If I text, we'll get into a short conversation without forcing anything, so it's not that there's any enmity or the like. We live states apart and there's a raging pandemic and that's just how it's gone.

You aren't responsible for maintaining all sides of a friendship, nor are you the arbiter of how much any friend has or is willing to contribute to maintaining that relationship. It sucks sometimes, though, for sure.

Thanks Muraii, that’s helpful for me.

trueheart78 wrote:

I’ve definitely been happier since moving to a different psychiatrist. Meds have changed, and they used GeneSight testing to help identity which medications should work-as-directed, and others that are more likely to be wrong for me. Some of the ones I’m supposed to be ok with have had side effects that made me require changing to a different one.

One thing I don’t miss is the, “well, let’s slowly get off this one med and get onto another…”, which feels like it takes forever, especially if who you’re seeing seems to be making educated guesses, at best (my last psychiatrist).

Wow, I didn't realize GeneSight was a thing. That's really cool. I didn't enjoy the trial and error process I went through a decade + ago. (Not that anyone does...)

steinkrug wrote:

Wow, I didn't realize GeneSight was a thing. That's really cool. I didn't enjoy the trial and error process I went through a decade + ago. (Not that anyone does...)

I tell as many people as I can about it, because trial and error suuuuuuuuucks..... and takes way too long.

If you've got insurance, it's definitely worth asking about. They may not cover all of it, but mine covered 95% of it and left me with taking out the remaining $250 from my HSA (yes, total estimated cost is $5k. I don't want that to deter anyone, but totally understand if it does).