Depression is ruining my life.

I have anxiety and ADHD as well. I was forced to take tests. When I didn't do well, I was often allowed to do extra credit work of another form to show mastery of the topic. That is an important proof of capability. I have made accommodations all my life to timed, closed book tests in this fashion. My memory just does not work to regurgitate specific facts without context. I can relate things to each other and draw inferences from those relations quickly and accurately, but I must be given the parameters first. Also, I have a hard time "showing my work".

So I'd suggest that she be put into a system where some independent study replaces the big tests, with a similar effort to the test being required to produce a paper, presentation or some other proof of understanding. You should discuss this with her teachers. One of them should be in charge of directing this "independent research" and evaluating the results.

Because without that, she'll never get through college, much less work. But with it, she'll be even better than her peers, because she will be used to related what she knows to the real world, and expressing it in such a way that people don't need to test her to see that she understands.

There are colleges that are based on this kind of work, btw, which are very well suited for those who have test anxiety. They do projects across a semester or year instead, just like a grad school environment. Works well for folks with ADHD and related issues.

Roo wrote:

The being not allowed to take them is brand new. We'd already done the going home on test day a few weeks before, and not wanting to go to school because it's test day that few weeks before.

I'm an adult with anxiety and I'm back in school. I would agree that even skipping a test might itself cause anxiety.

MotleyWizard wrote:
Roo wrote:

The being not allowed to take them is brand new. We'd already done the going home on test day a few weeks before, and not wanting to go to school because it's test day that few weeks before.

I'm an adult with anxiety and I'm back in school. I would agree that even skipping a test might itself cause anxiety.

In the same vein - my first major panic (that ended with the ambulance taking me to a hospital) attack happened less than 24 hours after I decided to move my diploma presentation to the following semester rather than work/stress myself to death for the next 4 weeks.
I suspect the cause of the attack was "not doing what was expected of me".

Not saying that's what's happening here, but just something to consider.

So Friday, I came out as bi to my sister and brother. They were both great about it. But on Saturday, my sister was telling her husband about it, and didn't realize my dad had swung by to drop something off. He overheard, and went nuts. Led to a huge blowup between him and me.

He's angry that I didn't tell him before. I'm angry because absolutely nothing he's ever said or done, this weekend included, has led me to believe that he has the capability of putting his family above his church. I told him that, and instead of refuting it, he started telling me what a terrible example I'm setting for my daughters. Things kind of escalated from there. My mom is not well, and she's now stuck in the middle with this crap. Essentially, every worst case scenario I ever thought of whenever I debated telling anyone but my wife about my sexuality is being realized, and it's awful.

I'm not entirely sure that things between us are reparable, and I'm not doing okay with this.

You can't choose your family, but you can choose who you deal with in life, how often and to what degree. Sometimes stepping back is a valid response, and can give you some emotional distance.

trichy wrote:

So Friday, I came out as bi to my sister and brother. They were both great about it. But on Saturday, my sister was telling her husband about it, and didn't realize my dad had swung by to drop something off. He overheard, and went nuts. Led to a huge blowup between him and me.

He's angry that I didn't tell him before. I'm angry because absolutely nothing he's ever said or done, this weekend included, has led me to believe that he has the capability of putting his family above his church. I told him that, and instead of refuting it, he started telling me what a terrible example I'm setting for my daughters. Things kind of escalated from there. My mom is not well, and she's now stuck in the middle with this crap. Essentially, every worst case scenario I ever thought of whenever I debated telling anyone but my wife about my sexuality is being realized, and it's awful.

I'm not entirely sure that things between us are reparable, and I'm not doing okay with this.

What a brave thing for you to do. Please protect yourself. Putting a wall between yourself and your father (and others, if need be) is perfectly appropriate especially if they don't understand who you are. Parents can be so very toxic, and I know that from personal experience. There is no law that says you have to maintain relationships with toxic people, whoever they are. It's awful, alienating, and depressing, but you are the priority, not an idea of a family or your father's feelings.

Exactly right! Put that wall up and then you have time and energy at some point later to deal with it, or not. Gives them time to think, too.

This is not on you. It's on them and they will have to adapt or gtfo your life.

Regardless of if/when he comes around, it's not your responsibility to change his mind. Emotions are high, but that can change over time.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I wish I could give you all the hugs in the universe right now.

And don't let them bait you into the trap of timing. That, did you have to come out now? BS
As if holding on is easier than letting the secret out. Something that shouldn't have to be a secret in the first place. Something that they make about them despite it being something so personal and vulnerable to the person coming out. And then to abdicate to the church or what their friends or the neighbors would say is just awful. They expect you to be what they consider adult about it and make hard decisions but they won't do the same in return.

Just want to add in that good for you sharing that trichy, and it sucks that your dad reacted that way. As others have already said (but hey, another person confirming can't hurt right), none of his response is on you, and it's not your responsibility to fix it. Do what is right for you.

Not sure if this is the right place, but I have nowhere else to go and it's causing me a heartload of depression and anxiety...

My wife and I continuously fight. She has PTSD from Iraq (as an Army vet) and recently had a friend commit suicide. No matter what I do right now, I'm in the wrong. I don't let her grieve right, I don't support her, I don't do anything up to standards... nothing. The kids and I don't know what to do - we're in limbo of tiptoeing around trying not to make Mom mad. I can't being to imagine the challenges she's going through, but I get nothing out of her on how to help or be supportive. I'm trying desperately and feel like nothing moves the meter. She can be loving to her clients (stay at home nanny), even loving to the kids, but I say one thing that even remotely comes close to a question about what's going on and she drags up months or years of prior hurts that I can't do anything about. I feel like I'm in a losing battle for my marriage and can't stop the flow. I'm a good husband, damn it, and I feel about one inch tall. I'm going to bed in tears most nights and waking up worried about what's going to go wrong today. My pre-existing depression/anxiety/bipolar disorder don't help much either.

This is nothing to say about the semi-nude pictures she apparently "accidentally" sent a military friend of hers two months ago. Apparently that's something I just need to get over and forget all about.

GWJers, I don't know where to go with my pain. I have it and it's real and I don't feel like I'm allowed to express it at home. I can't tell my friends because it would poison the well against her and I'm trying to make things work. I can't tell my family for the same reason. You're all I've got and I'm sorry if I'm in the wrong place or somehow missing how wrong I am in all of this. I just got back from two months off of work for suicidal ideation and am right back at the brink and feel like now I don't have my wife's back on any of it.

I don't know what I need from you all except I know I need to say all of this. I'm sorry if it's a disjointed bundle of a mind dump but I have no other outlet. I'm sorry. I just feel so sorry all the f*cking time.

You are in the right place. There is room for you here. Please stay. That is a whole mountain to deal with. But there is a place for you to share and feel supported here. We are here for you.

Wow, I wish I had any clear, cogent advice for you in your situation, UMOarsman, but this is 100% the right place to unburden yourself. And please take care of yourself in the same way plane personnel advise you to put the mask on yourself *then* your kids. This situation sounds absolutely dire for your sense of self and well-being, and it's not your responsibility to be the hero or to fight against impossible odds.

You absolutely came to the right place UMOarsman. What you described sounds incredibly rough, and I can only imagine how difficult it is for you. I don't know what I can do for you besides listen, but that - and anything else that's possible but I can't currently think of - I'll do my best to do for you.

And I'm pretty sure that goes for all of us here.

I may have missed this in previous messages, but do you have access to therapists that specialize in PTSD and their families and/or group therapy specializing in the same?

I mean, we are pretty good here but talking to people who understand or have been through might really help you

But yes, we are still here for you

That was my thought. I kept waiting for "...but her therapist said...". VA has really good PTSD therapy; my brother has benefited greatly from it. I really hope she can get some help in that direction.

I know it's hard. Just know that you don't have to work to help her alone. Take care of yourself, and the kids, and nudge her towards therapy. It could take a while but that's the path to step onto.

I should have been clearer - she's been in therapy for years. Her current therapist seems to think I'm the problem - there's always things that come out of her sessions that I need to work on. I'm sure she has "homework" too but we never talk about that. I'm in therapy as well (session today) which is my lifeline to validate I'm not just an all around bad guy.

The times where we are good are almost worse in that I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't believe many of her compliments anymore because she'll just take them back in a fight. I'm just trying to ride this out to hopefully calmer shores.

Have you ever met Individually with her therapist? I know a couple of people who tried that especially if your wife is feeding them BS

Or have your therapist and hers compare notes.

Interesting - never thought about doing either or that they were even options. I don't know I think she's lying so much as in pain and lashing out in session. Maybe I'm just being naive but I do think she wants to make this work.

That was my first thought too. If either of you don't have therapy, sign up to go to therapy to de-mystify it for her.

Since she does have therapy, try to get a couples visit to make sure that they are getting the whole picture AND you are getting the whole picture. (it is likely your wife is focusing on the stuff her therapist thinks you need to do... most therapists worth their salt won't allow their patient to scape goat others or their spouse as they want you to face your problems rather than push the goal posts)

Also if you go to her session of therapy, there might be a lot of couple exercises you can both work on. This could alleviate problems with self worth and looking after each other.

Also FWIW, we are hear to listen. So if you need to write a Wall of Text, then by all means do so. Lord know I've put down some pages on GWJ

Your therapist can advise on how to approach for couple's sessions, for example. Might as well raise the topic and the concern.

If you feel comfortable with it, and you think the therapist will honour your request, you could also contact them confidentally and tell them your concerns. Might be another option if you feel like bringing up a joint session or you seeing her therapist individually wouldn't go well.

UMOarsman wrote:

Interesting - never thought about doing either or that they were even options. I don't know I think she's lying so much as in pain and lashing out in session. Maybe I'm just being naive but I do think she wants to make this work.

When my wife first started therapy it was much the same experience. My wife was not yet equipped with the tools to self-examine so everything was placed on external sources, including me. The therapist only had what she was given to work with, of course. The result was that a lot of root causes went unexamined. While there was undoubtedly work for me to do, the factor of how she presents situations to her therapist needs to be considered. We eventually worked through it but it was a pretty dark time and took her recognizing she was destroying the relationship and still wasn't any happier before the conversation could evolve to talk about tools to self-reflect.

It’s the holidays, and that means fighting off bouts of depression yet again (second year in a row).

For the rest of you that also struggle with depression during this time of the year, I see you. I feel you. It sucks, a lot.

While I can’t do anything except send virtual hugs and give you knowledge that you’re not alone (even though it 100% feels like it, at times), I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, I love you. If others can choose to hate people they have never met, I can choose to love people I’ve never met.

So even though I’m hurting like hell right now…

IMAGE(https://media.giphy.com/media/cjDasXwbelLQNvyidd/giphy.gif)

Yeah, the holidays are complex, aren't they, and frequently dreary. My heart goes out to anyone dealing with any mental health or mood issues on top of a notoriously difficult season with a new COVID variant wedged in. We are hear to help each other out, so please don't stop posting.

I wouldn't be a still-struggling artist if I didn't post these here, for they help cheer me up, though I'm not a believer at all:

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The Selfish Giant by Oscar Wilde

We chose to stay home to protect our kids, both under 5 and obviously not vaccinated. Some family has been understanding, but some has guilted us and been mad. Really sucks. Makes me want to stay home every year...

Anyway, take care of yourselves.

Hard to say f*ck em to family.

But f*ck em.

My wifeis currently in ER Triage for suicidal ideation. Not sure what else to say. Please send positive thoughts.

All the best to you, imbiginjapan. I hope they can do something for her but I'm very happy she's in a safe place.