Depression is ruining my life.

Antichulius, Congratulations on your amazing work achievement. As others have said, all of us here in your GWJ Family are super proud of you. If you do attend, SillyRabbit is right, imagine all of us there with you cheering you on. That said, I agree with Jonman, and you shouldn't feel obligated to attend that ceremony if you don't feel up to it. It's you that you need to worry about right now.

I want to re-post this quote:

Bill Harris at Dubious Quality wrote:

Not asking for help when you need it isn't selfless, and it's not protecting the people around you.

It's just another way to punish yourself.

It's your mind tricking you into thinking you don't deserve help because you failed in some way.

Man, that is such a trap.

I can't stress enough that you need to tell the people closest to you that you are not okay. When someone asks for your help on something, you need to say "no". You need to say "I'm really in a tough spot right now and I need help, so I can't help you." I know that is super hard, and could be near-impossible for many. But, it really is the only way forward to heal, and all of us here in your GWJ Family are here to support you and help you however we can.

You are seen, brother.

Thank you everyone. I did have a good cry last night, cut a bit short simply from sleep. I was mistaken about the awards date, so I didn't actually have to deal with that today, which was good. I don't really know what I need, but I'm grateful for the offers and thoughts in that regard. I'm just glad to have a place to share what I couldn't share anywhere else. And for a group of caring folks who listen.

Congrats! That sounds really awesome; I hope you can share what the award is for so we can properly appreciative.

Keep in mind that you can choose how to take congratulations from others. Consider them sincere and heartfelt - because they almost certainly are. This is a big deal, and it means that others around are actively recognizing your value.

Good job!

Chumpy_McChump wrote:

Keep in mind that you can choose how to take congratulations from others. Consider them sincere and heartfelt - because they almost certainly are.

You make a really good point here. I’ve got some thinking and considering to do on this. And how that’s not automatic for me. Thank you for raising this point.

Antichulius: CONGRATULATIONS. That sounds like a huge deal and we are all proud of you. I hope you get a shiny trophy or something!

Antichulius wrote:
Spoiler:

I’ve been steadily getting more and more overwhelmed recently. And I think today I broke. Because today I was told I was selected for the most prestigious award my place of work offers. And when I returned to my desk, I realized I had no one to call, no one who would celebrate with me, no one who would understand the dichotomy of my feelings, no one who I cared to have care.
...
It’s been such a long time since anyone’s decided to see if I’m okay.

And I’m just not.

The problem with feeling so alone—is, like, who do you even tell? Without feeling like you’re guilting or blaming them in the process? There’s no one to tell, because if there was, you wouldn’t feel so dang alone.

And maybe I’m not quite so alone since I can post here.

Spoiler:

I see a lot of myself in your post, so neither of us are alone in that regard, I guess.

My team is scheduled to go live with our new application tomorrow. It's a big deal on a personal and professional level, but also on a much larger scale. It's not an exaggeration to say that lives could be at stake, given that a key user group is sufferers of domestic violence. It's the most impactful thing I've ever worked on and I'm the lead on it. I've never been lead on anything before.
My wife doesn't even know what the application is, let alone that we're going live tomorrow. I've mentioned it. I think she just doesn't care.

I feel like I'm in the same boat as you. Like, what can I do about it? Who can I even talk to?

I've found that (aside from the good people in GWJ!) keeping a journal has really helped me. I also keep a little journal/log thing of nice things people have said or done about me. Things where I've made an impact, even if it's tiny at least it's something. I'll look at these things to remind myself that not only do I exist, I made a difference to someone. It's got all sorts of things, from a picture of my daughter giving me a kiss on the cheek to some random person using some of my code in a game jam.

Antichulius wrote:
Spoiler:

But what I really need is a good, long cry. The soul shuddering, cathartic kind. Because tomorrow, I’m going to get singled out in a meeting and a long line of semi-sincere, obligatory congratulations. And social niceties require that I smile and say thank you. And hope no one actually looks me in the eye.

Spoiler:

Mate, these are genuine congratulations. You're the one and only person getting this award and it's the company's most prestigious - there's no doubt it's sincere! If there's anything semi-sincere about it, it's because their insecurity makes them secretly wish they were you! I know it can be hard to accept things like this, but you owe it to yourself to at least let them give you thanks.

That sounds like a very cool project, halfway!