Depression is ruining my life.

Halfwaywrong, I'm sending big internet hugs to you and your wife right now. We're here for you.

Continue to remind yourself that your wife and child need you.
I get the desire to check out....but those are the weasels speaking saying they’d be better off without you.

They wouldn’t.

I’m sorry for your loss.

We've experienced a couple miscarriages as well and it messed with us (especially her) also. Similar experience in it being after a successful pregnancy so while we knew the possibilities we were still unprepared. Feel free to PM me as well.

My wife and I experienced a series of miscarriages, and it's awful every time.

Remember this: someone you love just died. That person wasn't born yet, but you already loved them and invested yourself in them and had such hopes for your future together with them. And now they're gone. You will feel grief, and that's okay.

I was so excited for our last baby we lost, because it seemed to be going so well, that I went out and bought a little stuffed lion for our baby. His first toy, just waiting for him to hold it. That Mumford and Sons song "Little Lion Man" was on the radio a lot at the time, and so that's how I thought of the baby: as Little Lion Man. When we found out that we'd lost him, my heart broke. It's still broken, in some ways, and I still have that little lion, and it still makes me cry every time I see it.

A lot of people won't understand your grief. Miscarriage is a weird kind of loss where people don't seem to want you to mourn but to pep up and write it off as a sad setback. It's okay to grieve, and even if no one else understands that loss, your wife will because she's feeling it, too. Be there for her, and she'll be there for you, and mourn together.

Thanks everyone for all the kind words. It's been a kind of lonely thing to go through, but you're all making it feel a bit less lonely and that's a big help. It's really appreciated. Clocky - your story about your little lion man is beautiful and pretty relatable right now.

It's been a pretty rough 24 hours to put it mildly, but we're doing ok. For now I'm just trying to focus on doing the best I can for my family, trying to grieve and mourn when I can, and reminding myself of all the things I have to be grateful for. And Clocky - you're right about it being a weird kind of grief. I'm a little anxious about how the team at work will be when I go back. They've been good about time off at least.

I feel like I've been doing a lot of grieving this year. I think it's probably an understatement to say this has been a bit of a sh*t year for more or less everyone.

Feel for you Halfwaywrong. We had one between our kids being born. It rocks your world and definately take time to mourn. We still buy the kid gifts and give to charity in her memory. Named her and will always remember her. With everyone else big hugs and take your time.

Not to steal the spot light but I've been hyper irritable and angry lately. Pretty sure it is something to do with everything in life, work, & whatnot causing depression. I am going to make some daily life habit changes and also use our EAP at work to try and talk with someone.

halfwaywrong wrote:

Thanks everyone for all the kind words. It's been a kind of lonely thing to go through, but you're all making it feel a bit less lonely and that's a big help. It's really appreciated. Clocky - your story about your little lion man is beautiful and pretty relatable right now.

It's been a pretty rough 24 hours to put it mildly, but we're doing ok. For now I'm just trying to focus on doing the best I can for my family, trying to grieve and mourn when I can, and reminding myself of all the things I have to be grateful for. And Clocky - you're right about it being a weird kind of grief. I'm a little anxious about how the team at work will be when I go back. They've been good about time off at least.

I feel like I've been doing a lot of grieving this year. I think it's probably an understatement to say this has been a bit of a sh*t year for more or less everyone.

I had taken a bit of an internet break for my own sanity so sorry didn’t post earlier. My wife had a miscarriage while on vacation to see my folks. So while juggling sightseeing, making sure our 3-year-old was happy, and dealing with some family drama she learned she lost the baby. It’s not easy and there’s nothing you really can do except be there for her. It’s something that happens a lot but which society doesn’t really talk about which sucks. It sounds like you’re doing everything you can. My only other piece of advice is to try and pitch in a little more where you can, whether that’s helping more as a parent or doing a bit more around the house. Keeping super busy helped me but that’s also one of my coping mechanisms.

The past two years have been a real struggle for me in trying to get my interwoven trifecta of depression, anxiety, and self-hatred under control. This year has been especially difficult for a slew of reasons, not the least of which has been the past three months having to remotely watch/hear my closest friend of twenty years -- the man I considered my brother in all but genetic lottery -- die all too quickly as his cancer took a hard left turn into "f*ck your chemo, f*ck your liver" territory.

He passed Wednesday morning and I've spent the past two days a complete bedridden wreck, utterly failing to be there when his daughter needed me most -- compounding the self-hatred to a level where... well, I don't know how I have a circuit-breaker that stops me from acting on suicidal thoughts, but I'm glad I have it.

It is impossible to convey to anyone the absolute despair of everything right now. It's not just my brother's death, or his daughter's grief, or so many aspects of the state of the world and the nation, or the constant never-ending fear every godsdamned day of whether we'll be employed or fall prey to this f*cking pandemic or whatever the f*ck else I can't even think of at the moment. It's just.. it's everything. It's too much. It's too f*cking much.

Gods DAMMIT f*ck everything.

Sorry, I need to vent and I lost the person who has long been my symbiotic vent-ee. My wife has done her best, and I have voiced my undying gratitude for her rocksteady support, but when she is the subject of so much of my self-hatred (feeling like I am a failure as a husband, a failure as a man, afraid that she'll figure out she deserves better than me, etc) I can't exactly vent all my fears and anxiety with her.

[Edit] Changed wording because I don't want to imply that my wife is causing these emotions through any action of her own -- this is entirely my brain-weasels' doing! [/edit]

Yes, I have a therapist and a doctor, and had a psych but stopped going there due to issues with how they conduct their patient care and the meds I'm on are the best fit for me at the moment anyway. Nothing is enough for the cavalcade of sh*t this year keeps piling on.

No PM's please, I don't have the emotional/mental bandwidth. I just needed an outlet and if there's anywhere I can trust to find people who will understand, it's here.

Sorry, man. Hang in there. Sorry for your loss.

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

You’re not alone.

MathGoddess wrote:

(((((((((HUGS)))))))))

You’re not alone.

And even moar hugs.

So sorry to hear Farscry.

In mid-September, in the midst of layoffs, I was fairly surprised to hear that I'd been selected for promotion. It was a huge deal. I got calls from our COO and CFO, personally congratulating me and telling me that they saw big things for me. My wife and I celebrated (as well as you can in this garbage year), my team was fairly universally excited for me, and I felt really good about my career path.

Three months later, and I feel every day like they made the biggest mistake. I feel like I'm drowning. I haven't made any huge mistakes yet, but I have this deafening voice in my head that it's inevitable. I feel like everyone is watching me, waiting for me to f*ck up, and while intellectually, I know that's not true, it's all I think about. I spend the first half of every project desperately trying to learn enough to even get started, and spend the entire time in a state of panic. When a project does turn out okay, I'm not feeling a sense of relief, just an overwhelming sense of, "Well I got away with it THIS time, but..."

I don't know what to do. I know imposter syndrome is a thing, but I feel like I'm drowning.

trichy wrote:

Three months later, and I feel every day like they made the biggest mistake. I feel like I'm drowning. I haven't made any huge mistakes yet, but I have this deafening voice in my head that it's inevitable. I feel like everyone is watching me, waiting for me to f*ck up, and while intellectually, I know that's not true, it's all I think about. I spend the first half of every project desperately trying to learn enough to even get started, and spend the entire time in a state of panic. When a project does turn out okay, I'm not feeling a sense of relief, just an overwhelming sense of, "Well I got away with it THIS time, but..."

I don't know what to do. I know imposter syndrome is a thing, but I feel like I'm drowning.

That’s the weasels talking. The gremlins. They hate light and they hate being named. By naming them in this thread you have shown a bright light on them.

Someday, hopefully soon, you’ll settle in and things will start to stabilize for you. Keep on being brave!

trichy wrote:

I don't know what to do. I know imposter syndrome is a thing, but I feel like I'm drowning.

It's totally normal to feel this way. You might want to see if there is some delegation you can do: you earned your promotion by doing more than you had to, now you have more to do. Find someone who wants to do more than is expected of them. You've got this!

Role changes at work are very, very tough. You've got Imposter Syndrome issues to work through, the Peter Principle to go up against, and all the normal day to day / life challenges on top of those!

But the GWJ crew above are right, again. You have to soldier through these first 3 months and keep looking at ways you can make the role your own. When I received my role change adding more responsibility it took about 18 months before I was really settled in and firing on all cylinders. That entire time I was here in the depression thread and loathe threads venting my frustration with work and talking about how I was floundering. This amazing community helped me find a way through it, so I know we can help you, too.

So, find the places you can delegate, find the places you can actually take pride in your role, even if it's just getting through a bunch of paperwork on-time. Remember to celebrate you successes as much as possible and definitely ask for and listen to the feedback of your peers. Ask around at the office how you're doing, because nothing beats imposter syndrome like hearing directly from the team that you're doing great. If they indicate there's a place you're not doing great, seize that feedback and ask how you can do better.

Lastly, I often tell people that our lives are a balance of work, family, and social lives. So remember, even if you're floundering at work, you're absolutely knocking it out of the park with GWJ in your role as Trichy Claus. The joy you have brought to this community is immeasurable, and we are all better off here for your contributions. If you are this awesome socially, you must be pretty bloody awesome at your job, too. Keep your head up, buddy. You've got this.

Yeah, I've learned (and been burned) a lot in the last couple years being in a similar position. A few things:

As Atras said, delegation is key and it probably includes pushing your subordinates out of their comfort zones as much as you are out of yours now. Don't assume you have to take on all the risk. It feels like you're setting people up for failure but it is part of being in management. Call out that risk the same as you would other risks.

Do your best to set clear work / life boundaries so it doesn't consume all of your waking hours. I was able to do that partially but while you can attempt to set clear limits on time I don't know that I have good advice on how to set limits on your mental and emotional energy.

Remember that the people who do this job really well, the experts, the peers that you are measuring yourself against, have done this job for YEARS. They've f*cked up just as much or more than you will and that's part of learning. Sure, that does come with risk to the company and to yourself, but that's something you've already accepted. Lead, do what you can, understand that you will certainly fail sometimes and learn from it.

From a realistic standpoint, take a look at your company culture and how it handles failure and calling out risk. From my own hard experience, in some cultures calling out risk is not helpful and you're better off failing and taking the hit 1 out of 4 times than you are telling people that there is risk all 4 of those times. If that's the case, lean HARD into that imposter syndrome and project confidence. Sometimes it's a feeling of security they are hiring and you should consider providing that part of the job. Put this way: They would rather feel confident that you'll succeed 50-80% of the time than be concerned (based on your own words) even though you're succeeding 80+% of the time.

Jolly Bill's advice is golden. Especially delegation! I once worked under a guy who got demoted because he had trouble reconciling his feelings around delegation. He insisted that the burden of the whole department was his and took on way more than any person ought to. Aside from demotion, his own mental health deteriorated a lot, and caused a lot of problems for his personal life.

And though it may feel wrong to push subordinates out of their comfort zone, sometimes they actually need that. They often benefit from that, even.
Also, you might feel like an imposter, but the people that put you there know that you're not. If they had doubts about you, you wouldn't be there.

In other news, I feel like I should update on my last few posts:

Spoiler:

First things first - I can't thank everyone here enough. You were all a bright point in a very dark time.

My wife and I are slowly reaching a point where things are feeling normal. She needed a D&C. Today the hospital gave us a little box of ashes. It's heart-breaking, but beautiful. But I also feel a weird feeling that I can't describe regarding the first miscarriage - that one was flushed down the toilet in the middle of the night while my wife was writhing in pain. My wife bought a little necklace with what would have been their birthstone in remembrance of that child, so that's something I guess.

I've been managing my mental health mostly by keeping busy, which is not hard to do with a full-time job and a toddler. And staying mostly sober. It's working, I think?
I've also been doing a lot of what MathGoddess mentioned - reminding myself that my wife and child need me. I still have a lot of doubts about that sometimes, but ultimately I know it's true. And also reminding myself how lucky I am to have the things I have. Despite the losses, I've got it good.

I just heard a podcast (Science Vs) about treating depression with a one time mega dose of Psilocybin in a controlled environment in combination with therapy. It’s in the experimental phase right now, but is looking very promising. They think that it works by inspiring your brain to create new neural pathways. I would love to be able to get out from under the oppression of frequent suicidal ideation. That is one of the benefits that have been observed.

One last thing on Imposter Syndrome.

Recommend building some peer or superior relationships so that you can get legit feedback. Works wonders for getting you out of your own head and as you find the right folks to build trust with, they'll not only watch your back but help you to ID and leverage your best skills.

trichy wrote:

In mid-September, in the midst of layoffs, I was fairly surprised to hear that I'd been selected for promotion. It was a huge deal. I got calls from our COO and CFO, personally congratulating me and telling me that they saw big things for me. My wife and I celebrated (as well as you can in this garbage year), my team was fairly universally excited for me, and I felt really good about my career path.

Three months later, and I feel every day like they made the biggest mistake. I feel like I'm drowning. I haven't made any huge mistakes yet, but I have this deafening voice in my head that it's inevitable. I feel like everyone is watching me, waiting for me to f*ck up, and while intellectually, I know that's not true, it's all I think about. I spend the first half of every project desperately trying to learn enough to even get started, and spend the entire time in a state of panic. When a project does turn out okay, I'm not feeling a sense of relief, just an overwhelming sense of, "Well I got away with it THIS time, but..."

I don't know what to do. I know imposter syndrome is a thing, but I feel like I'm drowning.

Same thing, exactly, happened to me(down to the timeline and everything). I am dealing with identical stress. Holler if you want to chat.

I never feel important enough to write anything here. It takes wayyyy too much momentum for me to come here and pen something. But yesterday, I decided I'm more important than that. And, so, that success leads to this, which is my confession.

I'm an alcoholic. Have been for about 20 years. I'm on the low-end of the spectrum but I consider myself an addict. I don't want to drink anymore. It gives me nothing I need. And it's really, really annoying.

To help solve my problem with addiction, I'm taking this drug, naltrexone, which completely blocks the activation of opioid receptors in the brain, and, man-o-man, does this work. For me at least. So far, I've not touched booze for about a week. It's, uh, kinda different.

And that's it. Got nothing else for now, other than I'm working on my self-importance, my matterness so to speak. Hopefully, I'll come back here sooner rather than later.

Hoping you come back here sooner rather than later as well.

Glad you are feeling important enough to gain some momentum and take some steps toward what you want / what will help.

Strangeblades, welcome, fellow addict! I too, am an alcoholic, and I have now been without alcohol for 329 days. Feel free to PM me if you want any additional support or need to vent on any specifics on leaving alcohol behind.

I want to congratulate you on starting your own journey and tell you that we're here for you. This forum has been invaluable to me and to others by providing a place to get help and support from our community. So take the time and write those posts. Share your progress. Ask for help if you need it. You're worth it, and you deserve to find ways to be happy. We'll be right here by your side the whole time; we're not going anywhere.

HI Strangeblades! I'm on the fence as to whether I was or was not an alcoholic, but either way, booze was contributing to my depression and I'm all the better for canning it (no pun intended). I'm not counting days, but it's something like what ThatGuy is at, and boy howdy is 2020 a doozy of a year for quitting.

Congratulations on recovering your agency!

Jolly Bill wrote:

Hoping you come back here sooner rather than later as well.

Glad you are feeling important enough to gain some momentum and take some steps toward what you want / what will help.

Thanks

ThatGuy42 wrote:

Strangeblades, welcome, fellow addict! I too, am an alcoholic, and I have now been without alcohol for 329 days. Feel free to PM me if you want any additional support or need to vent on any specifics on leaving alcohol behind.

I want to congratulate you on starting your own journey and tell you that we're here for you. This forum has been invaluable to me and to others by providing a place to get help and support from our community. So take the time and write those posts. Share your progress. Ask for help if you need it. You're worth it, and you deserve to find ways to be happy. We'll be right here by your side the whole time; we're not going anywhere.

Yeah. I wanna vent. Thanks!

Jonman wrote:

HI Strangeblades! I'm on the fence as to whether I was or was not an alcoholic, but either way, booze was contributing to my depression and I'm all the better for canning it (no pun intended). I'm not counting days, but it's something like what ThatGuy is at, and boy howdy is 2020 a doozy of a year for quitting.

Congratulations on recovering your agency!

Feels good. Thanks!

I suffer from depression but seem to have found an equilibrium with it. But now I need to figure out how to help my partner. When we met one another we both had more-evident spirits, but some hard years (not least 2016-2020, and especially 2020) have taken their toll on both of us.

My partner has been falling deeper into a pit of existential ennui for a few years now. She's currently struggling with the surface effect of daily boredom, but I know it's deeper. She's conflicted about working, as an outlet for her attention and as a source of more income, because she doesn't just want to take any job (certainly nothing seating her at a desk for eight hours a day) and we're not sure how we would handle childcare.

But there is something damning, too, in the relatively large amount of uncommitted time available during the day. Our toddler is growing and as toddlers do commands a lot of attention, so there is a gunshyness that comes with any nominal free time, e.g., when the toddler naps. We never know how long the free time will last, so larger-scale projects incur the risk of frustration when she needs attention right in the middle of an important part of the project. That's just one type of psychic limitation, but there is something deeper at work, too.

Even when we manage to carve out a large chunk of time that can be spent doing something that might be rewarding, my partner is reticent to really try anything. I think this is a function of depression, of ennui, and no matter how many things I suggest or help brainstorm nothing really finds a home in her intentions. For instance, she's got a great natural eye for photography but no matter what type of thing I might suggest, there is a reason for her not to try it.

Part of that stems, I think, from her never having really developed a sense of herself alone. She's never lived by herself, but more than that, she thinks of others or Things That Need Doing to an almost pathological degree. By itself, there's something to work with there; she has searched for various ways to be an advocate for people who are underserved by our culture. But there are lots of hoops to jump through even without a pandemic, and now there seem to be so many fewer opportunities for that sort of work (volunteer or otherwise) that are safe.

I know lots and lots of you have been through similar things, either yourselves or as the person trying to help someone else going through it. What are some things that have worked, even if only partially or temporarily, to help you or someone you know find their way through the doldrums of purposelessness?

I have a couple of suggestions.

It sounds like your partner has exhausted most of the obvious behavioral options. Perhaps it’s time to consider medication therapies. Finding the right combination of meds can be absolutely life changing. Just keep in mind that depression meds are not “happy pills.” They’re more like “normal pills.” Depression meds help to put a person who suffers from depression into a more psychologically-normative state of mind.

The other thing I would suggest for your partner is journaling. Journaling doesn’t need to be anything specific. It can be short or long or anywhere in between. It can be as simple as listing the pros and cons of something like taking on a photography project, which might have the effect of cutting through the general malaise of depression and help your partner see the value in an activity like that.

Writing short fiction as a means of journaling can also be helpful. Really, the sky’s the limit in regards to what to journal about. The simple act of putting words to paper can really help to gain clarity about one’s own feelings and priorities.

I wish peace and happiness to you and your partner. Good luck. Happy new year!