Depression is ruining my life.

I am not doing well right now.
On top of everything wrong with the universe this year, fires are close enough to blanket the air with smoke and spark fears that we need to be packing. I haven’t said things can’t get worse in a while because every day some new horror is visited on all of us.

There’s no room for mundane pain and no chance to breathe.

Rahmen wrote:

I am not doing well right now.
On top of everything wrong with the universe this year, fires are close enough to blanket the air with smoke and spark fears that we need to be packing. I haven’t said things can’t get worse in a while because every day some new horror is visited on all of us.

There’s no room for mundane pain and no chance to breathe.

Let me know if you want to talk, man. I think you have my number. Hang in there. This is super scary.

Yeah, this year is too much for any sane person to easily handle.

Last month I resigned from a job to start a new job. The next day the old job just let me go. Long story but we had a major disagreement. It was contentious and they took it to attorneys, and I brought in mine.

I had another job lined up to start on 9/8

Last week my mom died. I asked to move the start of my job to 9/11, just 2 days after the funeral.

Today the new job decided to rescind the offer.

I may have a couple of other opportunities lined up but I don't know what will happen.

A couple of months ago I just had to deal with job stress. Now, I'm this mess of unemployment worries, money woes, my mother dying, and oh yeah I have a wife and kids to take care of.

I...don't know how I feel. It seems like a weird combo of fear, depression, anger, sadness, apathy, and...joy??

Budo wrote:

Last week my mom died.

My mom died in mid-June and on the run up to it, my depression hit me REALLY hard, as she was in-and-out of the hospital multiple times. Ever since then, it's been even harder, mixing grief with depression and anxiety. Therapy has helped me, and some good reading (Healing After the Loss of Your Mother: A Grief & Comfort Manual). It still hurts like hell, and I do find myself breaking down still at random times, but it's slowly getting better.

I'll give it a read once I figure out the job situation (which I need to prioritize of course). Thanks.

Despite a lot of good things happening recently, my wife is in a depression spiral related to the kids, school and schedules. Meanwhile, I'm battling my own depression with work. We both recognize the symptoms as we've both been down this road before. It's very tough as we know the answers and solutions we need here, but we're having a hard time putting into place the practices that will help.

For example we know we need to get to bed earlier. Guess how late we stayed up last night? We know we need to stop the depression eating. Guess what delicious awfulness we ate while we stayed up late? We know we need to get our exercise in. Guess what got dropped yesterday as we scrambled to stay on top of our schedules? We know we need to support our kids' remote learning better. Guess how many of our kids actually got their schoolwork done?

I think the real kicker here is knowing what our answers are, and then not being able to execute adds to the depression spiral. Every time we make those mistakes we beat ourselves up about it. Every time we make bad choices our subconscious points it out to ourselves. All I could do today while my wife cried was say "We have to do better. We can't let what's happened prevent us from trying to do better." So, here's to making better choices tonight and tomorrow.

Post in this thread, tonight, how you did.

Maybe you really don't need to do ALL of those things right now. We're in the midst of a pandemic and a lot of stress in general and while everyone thinks that they can somehow be super-productive through it all, it's a false perception. Maybe what you need (and what your depression is trying to tell you) is restoration, to slow down, breathe, and to just be.

Maybe pick one thing and focus on just that for a while so that you can at least gain a sense of accomplishment for something. Trying to do it all when you're already overwhelmed just doesn't work.

I lack the energy and will power to be up today. I assume this is from the stress of life right now.

I know every day I am not eaten by a zombie not taking risks during the pandemic is a win but still it doesn't feel like a win.

Why did I inherit grandpa's stomach issues too? Thanks 2020.

I'm so down today. I don't know why, but I woke up dreading the day and I'm struggling. I am sitting through meetings and barely paying attention. I am completely unmotivated to do the work that I know I need to do. My head is pounding and a voice in my head is quietly saying "why bother?" over and over again.

Maybe too much weed.
Maybe too much nicotine.
Maybe medication levels.
Maybe lack of sleep.
Maybe lack of sex.
Maybe too much stress/depression eating.
Maybe work stress.
Maybe lack of exercise.
Maybe just too much of ... *waves hands generally at the world* all of this.

I have back-to-back meetings until 2pm today (I'm literally posting this while attending one), but after that last meeting, I want to just go offline and crawl back into bed. Except that I know I won't be able to do that, because I have to be able to be on the kids this afternoon for their dentist appointments, take care of the usual parenting and household duties, make the dinner, and then I have conference calls tonight with the overseas team.

I'm just overwhelmed and exhausted and I want to run away and bury my head in the sand until this passes.

ThatGuy, I hear you man, and I'm struggling with a lot of the same things - I've never been as close to quitting my job as I was last week. If you're anything like me, your list of Maybes isn't an OR list, it's an AND list.

For me, picking any one of those to address has tangible and immediate benefits. I know that exercise is the best anti-depressant available to me, and even knowing that, it's sometimes a struggle to "take that pill". I try and remind myself that I almost never regret the choice to exercise, and almost always feel significantly better after it.

Yeah, exercise is an excellent first remedy. Helps me a lot.

ThatGuy, I can't remember if you've already answered this in a previous post either here or on another thread, but have you gotten a physical lately with blood test that includes all of your vitamin levels? If you haven't, you might consider it to see if you are deficient in anything and rule out any possible physical reasons for why are feeling the way you are feeling.

If you're working all day and into the night regularly, then you are very likely overwhelmed even considering the above and will need to find some way to step back from some of it and set up some boundaries.

Can confirm on the exercise. I bought a new bike, because I was near a breaking point. 30 minutes of biking a morning has helped a lot.

I've been without alcohol for 262 days now, and no cigarettes for 77 days. So I know I'm making positive changes and moving in the right direction. Believe me, the changes in my life without alcohol are palpable and overwhelmingly positive. But, I do wonder if my increased reliance on marijuana and e-cigarettes as "healthier replacements" are actually hindering my mental state recoveries. Hence me adding both nicotine and weed on my "maybe" list. And you're right Jonman, that list is a whole lot of "ANDs". I know that the culmination of multiple things are impacting my mental state.

Bekkilyn, you're also right, I did post about blood levels before as I have Hypothyroidism, and have been taking Levothyroxine to help balance out my hormones. Hypothyroidism can absolutely lead to depression and wild swings in appetite (both of which I'm experiencing) and it's been a while since I've had a blood test to confirm that my current medication levels are working as intended. In addition I'm on Lexapro as a mood stabilizer, and I know there's been many posts in here about medication levels needing to change over time. Sounds like I'll need to follow up here with a blood test and a discussion with my doctor to see where I'm at physiologically.

I also did the right thing this morning and asked for an appointment to see my regular therapist. It was very difficult for me to reach out for help on my psychological issues. Finding the right therapist took a long time for me and my early failures to connect with my assigned therapist led to some real anger and frustration with the process. Unfortunately due to the way my medical coverage works, I'm only covered to speak to her once a month, and due to schedule mishaps, my next appointment isn't until mid-November. Hopefully they'll get back to me today with an earlier opening.

Here's to making today a better day.

ThatGuy42 wrote:

But, I do wonder if my increased reliance on marijuana and e-cigarettes as "healthier replacements" are actually hindering my mental state recoveries. Hence me adding both nicotine and weed on my "maybe" list.

Spoiler alert, the weed is.

I mean, YMMV and all, but it's very common when dropping one drug to lean heavily on another. And weed is a super-easy way to push the "ah f*ck it" button. Call it a coping mechanism if you will, and it's very much that, but it's also substituting one problem for another.

I quit drinking at the start of this year. It's been a long time coming, and I finally decided to go for it. Weed has been both a salve during these times, but also a replacement problem. I feel like I'm headed towards needing to get rid of that too, as the I keep cutting myself on the other side of that double-sided sword

ThatGuy and Jonman, you are both awesome in the efforts you have made to this point!

You probably will at some point need to get rid of the weed and the nicotine and anything else that may be feeding some of the other issues, but it's good to take time out to celebrate what you've accomplished so far! We like for everything to be over and done right now, but our health is a lifetime journey and we can't do it all at once. It took years for some of these health issues to build up and it's going to take a while to reverse the negative effects, but you're made progress in the right direction and that progress is here TODAY and that's definitely something!

On a different note that has more to do with me, I just in the past week subscribed to a digital subscription "box" in CrateJoy called Listen, Color, Relax that includes some monthly coloring pages to print out and relaxing piano mp3's. (They have other options for mailing CD's and the pages physically too, but I didn't want to spend so much. The all-digital option was $2 per month.) It was just a little treat for myself and so I have the coloring pages printed out and ready to go and I've been using the music during meditation. I just put the music on a loop on my phone and set the timer in my Insight Timer meditation app and it works great! I know I can get this sort of thing for free but I like the surprise factor of just getting something sent to me already compiled so that's worth the money to me for now.

It's super important to take good care of and give love to ourselves, and when we have more practice doing that, it's more difficult to do things that sabotage ourselves.

From my experience, addictions are their own issue, and just switching one for another is not going to change your general situation. Both alcohol and weed are central nervous system depressants, so they have the same general effect; in switching one for the other you’ve made little functional change. And nicotine is actually more readily available in e-cigs than in regular cigarettes, I believe; that situation too has not addressed that issue. I also know that jangly feeling when you can’t get a smoke, and the rush and relaxation when you can. That yanks your mood around artificially, and yet, it’s also out of your control as an addiction.

When you are applying these drugs to your system, you’re kind of short-circuiting the rhythms that your depression and anxiety follow. That’s not going to make them go away, it just allows you to push the problems down the road. Better to turn your attention to things like CBT and perhaps medical approaches, to actually face and deal with the real issues, and understand and experience your own mental and emotional baselines without just jumping to the side with nicotine or weed when things get to be a pain. Or put another way, you haven’t created a situation where the weed and nicotine will eventually *not* be needed; you’ll be on those crutches indefinitely if you don’t deal with the chemical and behavioral issues that lie underneath. And they have their own issues that add to the ones you are trying to fix. But dealing with those issues can get you to a place where you can co-exist with your brain and emotions in a way that is constructive and also palatable to others around you.

Relying on weed and nicotine isn’t fixing things. It’s putting them off, at best. Consider throwing them into the therapy mix. I’m not a professional, but from my *personal* experience, you’ll be better off without them.

Remember that alcohol first acts as a stimulant, and later acts as a depressant. I would like to cut out alcohol entirely. The fact that I haven’t is telling.

Weed does not jive with my brain chemistry, so I can’t lean on that as a crutch, for better or worse.

On Lexapro: It’s my understanding that it’s sort of a starter SSRI. If it helps you, it’s a sign that something a little stronger might help you even more. I’m not a doctor.

Totally agree. When I started my journey to quit alcohol, I did so with the expectation that I would need to make further changes on other substances over time. But, I also knew I would not be strong enough to quit everything all at once. So, alcohol went first, then cigarettes. I have purposely been purchasing lower concentrations of nicotine in my e-cigarette solution to push that weaning process forward.

Marijuana usage has definitely been tough for me. I do not partake during the work day, no matter what. But what has happened is that my usage went from weekend usage, to every night. That's still better than my alcohol abuse, which was basically if I was awake, I was drinking. But, I think I need to re-evaluate my usage and make that concentrated step to pull back so that I can continue to work on myself and my deeper issues.

Just want to point out how awesome you folks are for sharing. It is inspiring.

Rawk, my doctor operates on the theory that the older the drug, the better known the side effects and dosage variations, and the cheaper the price. If Lexapro helps you, he'd argue you should stick with it. Perfect being the enemy of good enough in this situation. (And I use sertraline, which will have been on the market for 30 years next year, so I can vouch for the fact that the older SSRIs can work well.)

Thatguy, it's always hard to tell in short bits like this what someone is doing, and it sounds like you have definitely got a good plan and understand your situation. That's great, especially the weaning. You are pretty strong for knowing your limits and still sticking to the plan.

I see periodic re-evaluation as really healthy. I'd like to put it to you that you're actually doing pretty darn well, considering. We're all in various twisty mazes these days, what with the madness going on around us. Stick to your plan and remember that you've already made progress. Sometimes it's easy to forget that things have changed a bit for the better in one regard (in this case, internally) when other parts of the situation took a change for the worse (like the COVID world). But you still should be proud that you've got this far, and that you have a plan to move forward. That's an accomplishment you can celebrate, and should.

I take sertraline as well. So does my son. I suspect that soon might my daughter will too.

It's worked well for me, hopefully for you too.

Anyone here has experience quitting seroquel? I've been taking it for about a year and a half to help me sleep, and I would like to get off of it. My current dosage is half a pill (around 12mg) a day.

Unfortunately I don't have a GP at the moment. The pharmacist I spoke to recently suggested taking it only one day out of two and see how it goes.

I don't have personal experience with addiction, but I want to recommend herbal teas as an evening ritual. It's what we're using to keep drinking in check given 2020 in general. Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime is really solid. Herbals are very forgiving on the steep time - generally boiling water and then six minutes before you pull the bag. It can be a good calming ritual if that is something you're after.

I've heard that Seroquel and other drugs of its type are tricky to get off of. I'd get a doctor to oversee it, so you have someone to call if things go sideways.

ActualDragon wrote:

I don't have personal experience with addiction, but I want to recommend herbal teas as an evening ritual. It's what we're using to keep drinking in check given 2020 in general. Celestial Seasonings Sleepytime is really solid. Herbals are very forgiving on the steep time - generally boiling water and then six minutes before you pull the bag. It can be a good calming ritual if that is something you're after.

Sleepy Time Tea has chamomile, which is known to have a mild sedative effect, and is generally safe to consume in reasonable amounts.

But it also has VALERIAN root. This CAN cause problems for people taking SSRIs and antidepressants. Valerian can also cause negative side effects for people not taking medication. Valerian is one of those herbal supplements that should probably be classified as a drug. Valerian interferes with serotonin levels. It can make people sleepy, but it can also cause insomnia, and it can cause a hang over feeling hours after ingesting it.

Just be careful. Especially folks in this thread.

Mayo Clinic information on valerian.

Taking valerian while taking SSRI meds can cause serotonin syndrome which is potentially deadly.

Detecting and Managing Serotonin Syndrome

I've been drinking mint tea lately. Not because I particularly like mint tea because I don't. I just bought a box or two of it a while back thinking I would like it because I like peppermints and mint chocolate chip ice cream and other flavors of mint, but it turns out that I really don't like it as a tea. I don't hate it, but definitely not a favorite. Yet I feel obligated for it not to go to waste, so mint tea it is for now until it's gone!

(Not on any medications besides vitamins, so fortunately do not need to worry about accidentally mixing things up...at least tea-wise!)